Saw her 3 years after one night together, wanted her back, got nexted

Hi,

So this is the first time on this kind of forum for me, but I need some external, neutral input... This is a bit of a long story.

This girl is one of my best friends’ little sister. She’s in her late 20’s, I’m in my early 30’s. I’ll call her Lisa for the sake of clearness.

5 years ago I moved to the same city as my friend, and her.

So needless to say we saw each other quite a few times in the years that preceded the title’s so-called first night together. We (or at least I, but I feel I’m not mistaken by saying we) felt something was going on when we looked at each other, spoke, made physical contact (for whatever reason).

After a while my father died, so I got really depressed, dumped my girlfriend of the time, and I met this horrible girl at work. She was actually driving me crazy but hey, don’t we attract weird people when we’re depressed? But I still pursued that coworker and got to kiss her and spend a night with her (no sex).

Then came my friend’s (her brother) birthday. I, Lisa, and my friend’s girlfriend (who happens to be one of Lisa’s best friends) gathered at Lisa’s apartment to prepare a surprise party for him. Then of course the girlfriend leaves the place, Lisa locks the door and it takes literally 10 seconds for us to start making out. We spent that night together and it was great.

In the morning I was someone else, like cured of that weird coworker who was giving me so much sh*t . So I tell this coworker «look, something happened and I’m not sure I wanna keep things going between us». She starts acting jealous. Tells me «I thought things were going well» (which in retrospect is such a sick joke), to which I reply «give me some time»

The same night, panic struck me. I felt like I was betraying my friend so hard. What if things go wrong? What if it’s a ty relationship? I was out of an LTR, what if I’m not ready and she’s a rebound? What if what if what if... you get the gist. So the next day I see Lisa for a cup of coffee and tell her I’m not sure we should make this a thing. This here is the biggest regret I’ll probably ever have. Lisa tells me she feels the same. And I end up with crazy coworker for a few months, which of course were a nightmare!

Fast forward 2 years later, I’m broken, tired, I look awful. I quickly see Lisa and basically tell her «okay I’m ready now». Naturally she told me to f**k off...

Fast forward to about a month ago. I, my friend and his girlfriend (the same) and Lisa meet up for a drink, ironically enough for my friend’s birthday. Very good evening together, I can tell she’s happy to see me, and I am too. We end up waiting for our taxi together and joke about things. I had a date the day after and mentioned it to my friend during the night.

Then a few days later, I’m at an afterwork drink. I’m drunk, happy, thinking about her so I send her a simple «hey what’s up? What you up to» or something. She replies «I’m having too many drinks with a girlfriend». We end up meeting up. She introduced me to her best girl friend. We talked and drank and touched each other all night. She carved my initials on a bar table, I carved hers (we were drunk okay!). She asked me two or three times «how was your date the other day?» to which I simply reply «good thanks». Her friend says «I can tell something’s going on with you two». She reveals me secrets, and also tells me that the next day of our night together, she got «ready» to spend another one. Then in the morning after club we take a cab together and she shouts the hell at me saying «why do you guys always have to be so complicated» «did you your date or not» and so on... I felt like a child about to be grounded for a month. She ends up saying «tomorrow tell me what you want for real»

So the next day I tell her I wanna be with her, know her and spend another evening together. She says «not tonight I’m hungover»... which was... understandable to say the least.

Then I wait til the next Friday (so 2 days basically) to ask her what she was doing for the weekend. No reply for hours, so at around midnight I send her a big Facebook thumb (inside joke) to notice her of my disappointment. She directly tells me «I just got out from work, I can’t speak right now, we’ll speak tomorrow»

The next day she basically tells me she doesn’t want any relationship because she’s not entirely over her ex. They broke up 5 months ago. I also broke up with my ex 4/5 months ago.

I’m getting crazy here, I don’t know what happened. It seemed perfect, the timing was about right for once. And I feel like I said more and more things that pushed her further away from me. Why won’t she even leave me a chance to make myself known to her? What can I do if we don’t even speak to each other, if she doesn’t leave ANY space to me in her life? I want her to be happy with or without me and I don’t want to develop a one-itis kind of thing, but why do I feel like something’s not adding up?

Phew that was... long. Thanks for the kind attention of those of you who’ll read the whole thing and any feedback is appreciated. Any question or clarification I can provide too.

The next day she basically tells me she doesn’t want any relationship because she’s not entirely over her ex. They broke up 5 months ago. I also broke up with my ex 4/5 months ago.

I think you need to clarify with her what she means by that line and then proceed with caution if it means that she DOES just want another romp. You seem to be more emotionally invested in her whereas she's more physically attracted to you.

What is it you want with her? More than "I don't want a relationship?"

Thanks for your kind reply.

I don’t know really. She also said she didn’t want anything, with anyone. I feel like she’s really in a place where she wants to spend time with friends, rebuild her self and be happy alone. Maybe have a few flings here and there. I respect all these things.

I’m not sure what I want. I just know that I feel great when she’s around so... that she’s around more I guess. But I feel like she thinks as soon as we see each other, I’m gonna force her into a real relationship or something... She said she did want to see me as friends, but I don’t want her to always be on her guard due to what I told her.

Is she meaning platonic friends or friends with benefits?

I know you probably won't do this but if I were you, I would back off completely and let her do any pursuing (or not). You don't want to end up on the "Friends Ladder" never to transition over to the "potential ladder" and I'm getting the vibe that you will get too emotionally involved if she just wants friends with benefits. You know you (hopefully) so...

She meant platonic. I don't want this, and I don't want to put up with this kind of stuff...

I told her we'd better forget about each other for now because I don't feel good with this situation.

She meant platonic. I don't want this, and I don't want to put up with this kind of stuff...

 

I told her we'd better forget about each other for now because I don't feel good with this situation.

Good! Now you just have to do the mental work you need to do to get her out of your head. I give you props for not being her male girlfriend. *two thumbs up*

You sound like a good guy who knows his worth and who is worth being with. I have a feelings she (or some other babe you'll be just as into) will be appreciating that 'fact' soon enough.

That's a very nice thing to say. Thanks a lot for that and taking the time to give me advice.

Well for now I sure hope she changes her mind about us, but I'm sure I'll get over it and feel better soon.

Damn though, I was so sure this was it! How could I be so mistaken? I might have overthought the whole thing and maybe I want to "make things right" because of the brother situation by making it official... I don't know

The next day she basically tells me she doesn’t want any relationship because she’s not entirely over her ex. They broke up 5 months ago. I also broke up with my ex 4/5 months ago.]

Might be worth mentioning than between this and now, there's a whole bunch of me trying to understand this completely strange situation with a ton of questions, and her always replying "I already told you, I don't want to be in a relationship", whatever the question is, pretty much...

I felt like I was betraying my friend so hard. What if things go wrong?

You're all a bit older and wiser now, so don't worry about that.

The next day she basically tells me she doesn’t want any relationship because she’s not entirely over her ex. They broke up 5 months ago[she wants to spend time with friends, rebuild her self and be happy alone]. I also broke up with my ex 4/5 months ago..... the timing was about right for once

No the timing wasn't right. She isn't interested in a relationship with you* right now. If her explanation is true & correct, that is actually a smart thing to do. And you don't want to be a rebound for her, or visa versa.

She said she did want to see me as friends

I do not understand if that is just "friends" or friends + what sounds suspiciously like potential rebound sex. You being big brother's friend, you are a pretty safe option for the latter.

Either way, Do.Not.Go.There if you ever want to have a chance of having a proper relationship with this lady in the future. You are in a way in her friendzone now, you need to haul yourself out of there.

May I be so bold as to suggest you give her what she says she wants - time and space to sort herself out. May I be even bolder and say that you have not had a relationship so you don't have to do no contact, but don't initiate any, or at least not much.

Happy birthday/Christmas/congrats on your job promotion - maybe those if that's just business as usual, but no texts asking about "hanging out". Really fade the level of communication. Be polite if she contacts, but no "friends" stuff.

Here is a question though - since you broke up with your ex (not clear if that was coworker or not), have you worked on yourself - physical, career, finances, mental balance, etc? If you are, keep doing it, if not, start doing it.

If Lisa ever takes another look at you, it will position you (improved you**) better to catch her eye. And if not, there are other eyes out there.

And, for additional emphasis, she doesn't want to have a relationship with you* right now, but that doesn't mean she won't be attracted to one with improved you** down the track.

...a ton of questions, and her always replying "I already told you, I don't want to be in a relationship"

Looks like you have stopped that now, so good. She gave her answer, pestering her makes you look needy and unattractive.

She meant platonic. I don't want this, and I don't want to put up with this kind of stuff...

 

I told her we'd better forget about each other for now because I don't feel good with this situation.

See above comment - the friendzone will kill any romance. Now stick to your guns and do not initiate contact.

Thanks for your feedback

Yeah I felt like this was for the best too, I don't want us to start anything if one of us is not 200% into it... which doesn't apply only to her in particular actually.

Well everyone has rough patches, but I'm always trying to get better at everything I do you know.

I gather that you have already said to her that you can't be just her 'friend' because you have romantic feelings for her - and she can let you know how she feels about that somewhere down the line, if she wants to.

If you haven't, I do not suggest you contact her again to say that now, just back off.

If she comes back at you in the near future with a query about why you are not being friendly, politely tell her that then.

«why do you guys always have to be so complicated»

She seems disappointed of the men in her life and probably you are one of them.

«tomorrow tell me what you want for real»

She was drunk when she told you that, right? Chances are she regretted it and maybe she wants not to get too close to a guy to which a) she is attracted to, but b) he (like almost every other guy in her) disappointed her ‘cause he didn’t know what he really wanted and complicated things.

Maybe (and I say maybe ‘cause I’m guessing; no one really knows what’s going on in an others’ person's mind) that is why she doesn’t give you a chance to make yourself known to her. She is avoiding you. Now more than ever because in her drunkenness she gave the impression that she is ready to get involved in a relationship with you and now she wants to correct that drunken mistake.

I thing the question is: why do you pursue her so much? What are the qualities that she has and you want?

You seem someone who has his success with women, so can’t you find those qualities in another woman?

If I were you I would do exactly that. I would leave Lisa alone, and let things get their course with her and start to seek Lisa’s qualities in other women.

Thanks for your reply AlexanderK, I totally agree.

Well we had a «fight» via text this morning and I’m pretty sure she hates me now... whatever.

I’m ready to do the (hard) work and forget about her as you said, that sh*t wasn’t going anywhere anyway.

If dealing with this lady in search of the prize is as draining as this discussion is, then I think you are right to end contact with her.

The search for a connection does not have to be so complicated. When it becomes so? Look elsewhere.

Work on yourself before seeking another relationship.

 

Well we had a «fight» via text this morning and I’m pretty sure she hates me now...

Hate is not the opposite of attraction - indifference is.

It would be best if you try to not initiate contact with her anymore, if it is just leading to angry exchanges. Or at all, really, because ... friendzone.

You aren't going to change her mind, she probably finds it annoying, and it makes you look unattractive in her eyes.

She told you she needs space/time for herself. If you don't give it to her, you will drive her further away.