Boyfriends spoken to ex whilst being with me

So I’ve been dating this guy since December time last year, it’s been going well. He told me on one of our first few dates him and ex were amicable when they split, he fell out of love with her but I’m not sure whether she felt the same way back, They was together for 5 years, in the last 18 months of their relationship they didn’t have anything sexually going on between them, they became more like “housemates”. They have been split for over a year now.

I found out two days ago when I asked him if he had heard from her or not, he responded with “yes about a month ago” Going into this further with him it emerges that every month or so she texts him asking ‘how he is or how his dad is due to his dad suffering a stroke in 2017’. He said he replies back to her but never starts off the conversation first, he also still has her number saved on his phone. I wouldn’t exactly say I am the paranoid type or particularly insecure but this has really upset me because if what he is saying is true, I feel like her motives are perhaps not entirely innocent as she is still single & in his words “hasn’t moved on with anybody else since the split”. He assured me there was nothing bad in the messages (I have not seen them) but I do not know what to believe as this has really affected my trust in him, I am a strong believer in if you have no children or ties with an ex why be friends with them after as you never got with them in the first place to be “friends”.

She also whilst he was dating would message him saying a girl he was perhaps dating had “stalked her Instagram” etc. Loads of little things.

What do I do? I just feel like I don’t know what to believe, I do not want to ask to see the texts because I am scared of being hurt again! Please help.

Standing way over here, my advice is to breakup with him.

 

In my opinion, I think he is telling you his version of the truth. I think he probably genuinely feels that nothing is going on and that it’s all just friendly and innocent.

 

That said - I think he is mistaken. I agree with you that people who have genuinely moved on tend to actually move on. It’s hard to fully move on while you still have one foot in the past and someone hanging around as a “backup plan”.

 

But... that’s my (perhaps jaded) opinion based on my own experiences. I’ve been on the receiving end of breakups to go back to exes who were “just friends” one too many times.

 

... and I know that it’s much easier to give the advice than follow it when you have so much hope for the relationship.

I wouldn’t break up with him but I’d perhaps be open about how you feel about it. He’s not really done anything wrong. He’s been honest with you about the contact when he could easily have hidden it and it sounds like it’s totally her that’s initiating it.

 

Maybe assert your boundaries with him and, if he won’t block her number and cease the contact, then maybe go down the route of ending it.

For a counterpoint, I'll offer the opposite view as RedDress above.

 

He told you, in the beginning, that his breakup was amicable, which at least to me means they left on good terms. The occasional hello text? Well, to me that's just good terms. Doesn't sound like he was at all hedgy or shady in being honest about all this—which, well, good signs. What has dented trust for you would, for me, be a reason to trust.

 

I understand that contact with exes is a touchy subject for many, and from spending time on this forum I've come to see it's a dealbreaker for many. And, hey, fair enough. Everyone has different boundaries, different life experiences.

 

As someone who has had some wonderful, no-bs friendships with exes I've personally always found it comforting when other people are on good terms with theirs. It speaks to me of a healthy relationship style, as opposed to those who feel the need to cut out exes like a cancer, which to me speaks of a pattern to being attracted and attached to troublesome people or getting into drama-centric relationships. (Though I have some of those in my past, too, who are cut off.)

 

A question to you: Where does your "strong belief" about no contact with exes come from? Is it all connected with having shady exes of your own, bad relationships, lingering exes, and so on? If so, you might want to just make sure you're not projecting those experiences onto your new bf.

 

At the end of the day it's all about how your gut processes all this. In your shoes I'd try to talk to him openly—open to him explaining things, and open in letting him know how and why this rubs you the wrong way, be it because of past experiences or from how he's described his ex. See if you guys can work out a compromise, find something that works for both of you, since that's when you know you're in something with legs.

Did you ask him why he responds to her? If I were him and I had broken up with her I would probably just ignore her so that she would have a good reason to move on and find some other guy to keep her occupied.

It's thought provoking when I read these types of posts.

Someone might have motives for your man and what do you do?

From where I sit, what can you do?

You don't have control over things like this.

 

A lot of people have all sorts of motives and you can't live in fear that one of them will jump up and bite you.

 

From what you describe there are two people in your relationship. You and the guy.

 

The ex says hi once in a while. I don't think it's a sign of anything other than your guy is probably just a decent guy. She can have motives till the cows come home and there isn't anything you can do about it.

 

Tell him to cut contact? Then you just shared how little trust and faith you have in him, how easily you think he can be swayed and lured away. If that's how you feel, then maybe it's not the right relationship for you.

 

This sounds like it's a little more about you and how much trust you have in yourself.

The reason she reaches out to him is simple: Because he responds.

 

He can say all day long that she's only trying to be nice to check in on his dad, or that she's lonely, or that she's blue with purple spots. Doesn't matter. What matters is, he responds.

 

If he's really on that good of terms with her, why doesn't he invite you, so that the 3 of you go grab a drink together? Thought not.

Sounds innocuous to me. If you really can't do idle chit-chat / catch ups between a partner and their ex, dump the guy. You're free to have your own boundaries. But I don't think you've got much of a leg to stand on as far as compelling him to amend his behavior. Especially if I'd only been dating someone for a few months, addressing who they should or shouldn't speak to or how they should or shouldn't speak to them wouldn't be an activity I'd have either her or myself suffer.

 

The ex says hi once in a while. I don't think it's a sign of anything other than your guy is probably just a decent guy. She can have motives till the cows come home and there isn't anything you can do about it.

 

This^^^^^ and what Jman said, plus 1 each.

No offense but you should really back off.

 

FIRST...If you come into the situation insecure and controlling that will only turn him off. You say you're not insecure, when, in fact, you're showing OBVIOUS signs of insecurity. If you filter his friendships he could eventually start to resent you. In this situation you're extremely disposable. He has history with her and if you blow this and you get insecure this will happen: 1. He might choose that friendship over you or 2. He might break up with you. You'll be the girl he tried dating but it just didnt work out.

 

SECOND... I think you should stay out of the ex girlfriends personal life. No social media stalking. No asking about their relationship....nothing. Whatever they had should stay between them and them only. If he feels the need to discuss her, he'll bring her up himself.

 

THIRD... You shouldn't base the ex girlfriends feelings on the fact that she hasn't dated anyone. Or that she's out to get your boyfriend. There are a lot of reasons why a person would stay single after a long term relationship.

 

FOURTH... Just because you feel no need to stay friends with an ex, doesnt mean he's the same way. They have history and will always have history. Doesn't matter how much it bothers you, makes you insecure...ect. It'll always be there. There's nothing you can do about that. Staying friends is normal and from what I'm reading it seems like he's perfectly fine being friends with her. Dont come in trying to cleanse his life, it wont workout in your favor

I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!

 

Asking for his text messages is extremely controlling. It's not healthy behavior and if he declines, then what? You'll automatically think that he's hiding something and the relationship will implode anyways. It's a lose - lose situation. You need to stop asking about her and bringing her up because you might be putting the thought in his head or planting a seed of doubt when it comes to your relationship. Making him question his friendship with his ex AND not trusting him, might make him think "Well..my girlfriend thinks I still have feelings for my ex, I do like talking to my ex, Subconsciously, Do I still have feelings for her?" Questioning him about his feelings is a dangerous game.

 

Don't stalk his ex! If she's telling him that you're creeping on her, it makes you look bad! Leave her be!

 

I can guarantee that you're not just worried about him cheating. You're cyber watching this girl because in your mind you think she's after him, when in reality shes probably not even phased. You're looking at her accounts because you're trying to piece together what their relationship was like in order to make yourself feel better. The reality is, whatever happened between them is their business and cyberstalking, asking questions... ect is crazy behavior!

 

It's not fair to your bf! Especially if he hasn't done anything wrong/gave you reason to doubt him.

 

You're basically punishing him for having an ex girlfriend, wanting a civil break up and a causal friendship because you're insecure.

 

Doesn't matter how many guys you date in you're lifetime, there's always going to be an ex and you should learn how to cope with that because not coping will only eat at your self esteem.

 

And if he does get back with his ex? Means he wasn't the guy for you anyways. Right now, what you're doing, is "setting him up to fail"

I think the bottom line here is that she doesn't tear down her own romantic relationship boundaries to accommodate him. Either just leave him because he doesn't want to block her or she talks to him about her own romantic relationship boundaries to see if he agrees and if he doesn't then she leaves him then.

Checking her out will only make you jealous or insecure. You're dragging a "once in a while" situation into your everyday life. If shes not talking to him all day every day, what's the harm?

 

In the rare instance she has feeling for him? When you bring her up you're basically inviting her into your relationship and into his life again.

I'm not that worried about his sporadic exchange with his ex but I'm a bit weirded out with the fact that you know about their lack of sex life while they were together. He shouldn't be telling you that stuff. That's oversharing.

Tearing down one's own boundaries in order to accommodate someone's non compatible ones is 'setting herself up' to fail I think.

I think the bottom line here is that she doesn't tear down her own romantic relationship boundaries to accommodate him. Either just leave him because he doesn't want to block her or she talks to him about her own romantic relationship boundaries to see if he agrees and if he doesn't then she leaves him then.

 

Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole because it may cause him to rethink his emotions for an ex isn't the way to go. If his loyalty to her is that precarious then he really didn't have her to begin with.

I agree... However, everyone has an ex and sometimes as you get older, breakups can be civil allowing you to maintain a healthy friendship with an ex. She should get used to this and work on herself because not everyone blocks their ex. Hell, when you get older, you start noticing people invite their ex's to their wedding.

 

It's a skill she should try to work on because not everyone will understand her boundaries.

------- "He told me on one of our first few dates him and ex were amicable when they split, he fell out of love with her but I’m not sure whether she felt the same way back, They was together for 5 years, in the last 18 months of their relationship they didn’t have anything sexually going on between them, they became more like “housemates”. They have been split for over a year now."

 

This paragraph is weird. You're basically summarizing their relationship as if you were in it with them. On top of the fact that you're clearly cyber creeping on this other woman and you're bothered over the fact that she even exists so you're punishing your boyfriend (not trusting him) because he occasionally has small talk with an ex/angry that he was with someone before you in the first place.

I'm not that worried about his sporadic exchange with his ex but I'm a bit weirded out with the fact that you know about their lack of sex life while they were together. He shouldn't be telling you that stuff. That's oversharing.

I agree! And I imagine he's telling her that because she put him in a place where he had to share that information. I dunno, I dont think we're getting the full story here, I think there was some sort of confrontation. I dont see how he'd bring up their sex life in the first place unless she straight out asked.

 

I've dated enough guys to know that it's not normal for someone to SUMMARIZE their old relationship to their new SO. Someone could be married for 20 years without knowing the entirety of their partners previous sex life/downplay of relationship. This stuff normally doesnt come up! Unless asked haha

Agree with everything you're saying rchubn.

 

Past about age 18 I think it's an awfully strict and borderline unrealistic boundary to believe that the people you date must have zero contact with anyone who came before you.

 

Asking or requiring—actively or passively—that someone close off doors to their past as a show of "loyalty" is also, in my opinion, somewhat juvenile. Especially when we're talking about legit grownups who have only just started seeing each other.

 

One of the risks of dating is that the person you're falling for/investing in has some unresolved feelings or unfinished business with an ex. And the truth is there is no way to safeguard against this, none. You can meet someone who has zero contact but, six months in, a year in—heck, a marriage in—there is suddenly contact and, with it, a whirl of sentiment that derails everything. Or there is contact that is just, well, contact that does not derail.

 

It is always a gamble. To make contact/no contact with an ex such a critical hedge against the gamble is—wait for it—a gamble too.

 

As for her knowing details of their sex life, I don't even think that's so peculiar. There's generally, a few months into any relationship, some sharing of past romantic experiences. It's part of getting to know someone. Not the full wiki version—always a bad sign when someone needs to unload—but a little cliff's notes sprinkling is par for the course.

 

Years ago, for instance, I briefly dated someone who was married before me; she mentioned they didn't have sex during their last year of marriage in the context of why they got divorced. Just information—something I digested and spent maybe 40 seconds thinking about before figuring out what we'd eat for dinner. Had I been more insecure I suppose I could have fixated on that, but I just saw it as, well, life. Never came up again, seemed pretty standard fare, as plenty of relationships peter off into sexlessness.

 

I get the sense, from the original post, that OP is prone to some obsessing thinking on this stuff, perhaps more than she's ready to acknowledge. Whether that's fueled by her own insecurities or a gut sense, semi-denied, that her dude is a bit ambivalent, who knows? Either way it doesn't bode well, as paranoia is basically the antidote to curiosity, and without curiosity it's damn near impossible to really get to know other person.

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately he gave you the disclaimer upfront that three will be a crowd. Anyone who talks about an ex this much and leads with we are still friends , means that you are in a triad.

 

She's not the problem. Your bf is. He encourages it and then lies about it. They may not get back together but you are a third wheel in their whatever strange relationship.

He told me on one of our first few dates him and ex were amicable

OP, this is between the both of you and I think if you want to work through your insecurities and his lack of boundaries, the only people that should be doing the talking is the both of you (with each other). Most people will have differing ideas on what's right or not because....well, it depends if we ourselves keep in contact with our exes. Others have different ideas about boundaries or what's acceptable in a relationship. All the advice here is relative.

 

Speak with him and repeat everything in your first post. If he doesn't have energy or the heart to talk about these things with you, you have your answer. If he's invested in your relationship he will engage in some meaningful conversation with you. YOU should be clear about what your expectations are in a relationship. Be prepared to walk away if he doesn't make you happy. At that point, you would have done your bit and been honest with yourself.

I agree... However, everyone has an ex and sometimes as you get older, breakups can be civil allowing you to maintain a healthy friendship with an ex. She should get used to this and work on herself because not everyone blocks their ex. Hell, when you get older, you start noticing people invite their ex's to their wedding.

 

It's a skill she should try to work on because not everyone will understand her boundaries.

It's not uncommon to be done with someone who has been demoted from S.O. to just friend and I don't think its "healthy" to maintain any sort of one-on-one "friendship" with an ex that your current partner is left out of as with this Op's situation. I don't think anyone "needs to get used to" something that crosses a personal/relationship boundary... but that's just me.

 

Op has a few perspectives and if having a S.O. that maintains some sort of behind the scenes contact bothers her and he doesn't want to stop the interaction then I guess they're just best to compromise in someway or reconsider their relationship if they can't come to something that will be copacetic to the two of them.