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Thread: Boyfriends spoken to ex whilst being with me

  1. #1

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    Boyfriends spoken to ex whilst being with me

    So I’ve been dating this guy since December time last year, it’s been going well. He told me on one of our first few dates him and ex were amicable when they split, he fell out of love with her but I’m not sure whether she felt the same way back, They was together for 5 years, in the last 18 months of their relationship they didn’t have anything sexually going on between them, they became more like “housemates”. They have been split for over a year now.
    I found out two days ago when I asked him if he had heard from her or not, he responded with “yes about a month ago” Going into this further with him it emerges that every month or so she texts him asking ‘how he is or how his dad is due to his dad suffering a stroke in 2017’. He said he replies back to her but never starts off the conversation first, he also still has her number saved on his phone. I wouldn’t exactly say I am the paranoid type or particularly insecure but this has really upset me because if what he is saying is true, I feel like her motives are perhaps not entirely innocent as she is still single & in his words “hasn’t moved on with anybody else since the split”. He assured me there was nothing bad in the messages (I have not seen them) but I do not know what to believe as this has really affected my trust in him, I am a strong believer in if you have no children or ties with an ex why be friends with them after as you never got with them in the first place to be “friends”.
    She also whilst he was dating would message him saying a girl he was perhaps dating had “stalked her Instagram” etc. Loads of little things.
    What do I do? I just feel like I don’t know what to believe, I do not want to ask to see the texts because I am scared of being hurt again! Please help.

  2. #2
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    Standing way over here, my advice is to breakup with him.

    In my opinion, I think he is telling you his version of the truth. I think he probably genuinely feels that nothing is going on and that it’s all just friendly and innocent.

    That said - I think he is mistaken. I agree with you that people who have genuinely moved on tend to actually move on. It’s hard to fully move on while you still have one foot in the past and someone hanging around as a “backup plan”.

    But... that’s my (perhaps jaded) opinion based on my own experiences. I’ve been on the receiving end of breakups to go back to exes who were “just friends” one too many times.

    ... and I know that it’s much easier to give the advice than follow it when you have so much hope for the relationship.

  3. #3
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    I wouldn’t break up with him but I’d perhaps be open about how you feel about it. He’s not really done anything wrong. He’s been honest with you about the contact when he could easily have hidden it and it sounds like it’s totally her that’s initiating it.

    Maybe assert your boundaries with him and, if he won’t block her number and cease the contact, then maybe go down the route of ending it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    For a counterpoint, I'll offer the opposite view as RedDress above.

    He told you, in the beginning, that his breakup was amicable, which at least to me means they left on good terms. The occasional hello text? Well, to me that's just good terms. Doesn't sound like he was at all hedgy or shady in being honest about all this—which, well, good signs. What has dented trust for you would, for me, be a reason to trust.

    I understand that contact with exes is a touchy subject for many, and from spending time on this forum I've come to see it's a dealbreaker for many. And, hey, fair enough. Everyone has different boundaries, different life experiences.

    As someone who has had some wonderful, no-bs friendships with exes I've personally always found it comforting when other people are on good terms with theirs. It speaks to me of a healthy relationship style, as opposed to those who feel the need to cut out exes like a cancer, which to me speaks of a pattern to being attracted and attached to troublesome people or getting into drama-centric relationships. (Though I have some of those in my past, too, who are cut off.)

    A question to you: Where does your "strong belief" about no contact with exes come from? Is it all connected with having shady exes of your own, bad relationships, lingering exes, and so on? If so, you might want to just make sure you're not projecting those experiences onto your new bf.

    At the end of the day it's all about how your gut processes all this. In your shoes I'd try to talk to him openly—open to him explaining things, and open in letting him know how and why this rubs you the wrong way, be it because of past experiences or from how he's described his ex. See if you guys can work out a compromise, find something that works for both of you, since that's when you know you're in something with legs.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Did you ask him why he responds to her? If I were him and I had broken up with her I would probably just ignore her so that she would have a good reason to move on and find some other guy to keep her occupied.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's thought provoking when I read these types of posts.
    Someone might have motives for your man and what do you do?
    From where I sit, what can you do?
    You don't have control over things like this.

    A lot of people have all sorts of motives and you can't live in fear that one of them will jump up and bite you.

    From what you describe there are two people in your relationship. You and the guy.

    The ex says hi once in a while. I don't think it's a sign of anything other than your guy is probably just a decent guy. She can have motives till the cows come home and there isn't anything you can do about it.

    Tell him to cut contact? Then you just shared how little trust and faith you have in him, how easily you think he can be swayed and lured away. If that's how you feel, then maybe it's not the right relationship for you.

    This sounds like it's a little more about you and how much trust you have in yourself.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 03-25-2019 at 07:36 PM.

  8. #7
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    The reason she reaches out to him is simple: Because he responds.

    He can say all day long that she's only trying to be nice to check in on his dad, or that she's lonely, or that she's blue with purple spots. Doesn't matter. What matters is, he responds.

    If he's really on that good of terms with her, why doesn't he invite you, so that the 3 of you go grab a drink together? Thought not.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Sounds innocuous to me. If you really can't do idle chit-chat / catch ups between a partner and their ex, dump the guy. You're free to have your own boundaries. But I don't think you've got much of a leg to stand on as far as compelling him to amend his behavior. Especially if I'd only been dating someone for a few months, addressing who they should or shouldn't speak to or how they should or shouldn't speak to them wouldn't be an activity I'd have either her or myself suffer.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself

    The ex says hi once in a while. I don't think it's a sign of anything other than your guy is probably just a decent guy. She can have motives till the cows come home and there isn't anything you can do about it.
    This^^^^^ and what Jman said, plus 1 each.

  11. #10
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    No offense but you should really back off.

    FIRST...If you come into the situation insecure and controlling that will only turn him off. You say you're not insecure, when, in fact, you're showing OBVIOUS signs of insecurity. If you filter his friendships he could eventually start to resent you. In this situation you're extremely disposable. He has history with her and if you blow this and you get insecure this will happen: 1. He might choose that friendship over you or 2. He might break up with you. You'll be the girl he tried dating but it just didnt work out.

    SECOND... I think you should stay out of the ex girlfriends personal life. No social media stalking. No asking about their relationship....nothing. Whatever they had should stay between them and them only. If he feels the need to discuss her, he'll bring her up himself.

    THIRD... You shouldn't base the ex girlfriends feelings on the fact that she hasn't dated anyone. Or that she's out to get your boyfriend. There are a lot of reasons why a person would stay single after a long term relationship.

    FOURTH... Just because you feel no need to stay friends with an ex, doesnt mean he's the same way. They have history and will always have history. Doesn't matter how much it bothers you, makes you insecure...ect. It'll always be there. There's nothing you can do about that. Staying friends is normal and from what I'm reading it seems like he's perfectly fine being friends with her. Dont come in trying to cleanse his life, it wont workout in your favor

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