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Physical contact on the first date


kim42

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Hi everyone,

 

I had a date last Friday and although the guy was nice, the thing that put me off was his excessive touching. I’m not a prude and don’t mind a light touch on the shoulder on the first date, but this guy touched my elbow, my arm, and my hair. He also tried to hug me which I find a bit too much, especially since it was the first time I met him.

 

We matched on Tinder and texted for two days before he asked me out, so it was a complete stranger. I didn’t have many Tinder dates so far, all my ex boyfriends were my friends before we started dating, so this concept is pretty new to me. I googled briefly some dating advice and it seems that physical contact on first dates is encouraged. Am I being oversensitive when this makes me uncomfortable? I just find it weird when a man is trying to touch me when he barely knows me.

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Who in the heck is encouraging touching on a first date?

 

Yes, it happens but in my opinion, I think it's a sad habit people have gotten used to in this day and age. Touching etc on the first few dates, people seem to hit fast forward and it's sad.

Romance has flown out the window.

 

I completely agree with you, it's inappropriate and it's not a comfortable thing.

 

I know there are some who have a different opinion and are fine with touching right away, but that's okay for them that doesn't mean you have to follow suit.

If you're not into touching right away and find it creepy, then tell him you're not into it.

It's your right and it's your date too, you can decide how you want it to go or not want it to go.

 

In my opinion, the first few dates should be about talking, forming a friendship seeing if you're even compatible.

If he is moving too fast, tell him or move onto someone else who won't push.

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Have to agree with SherryStar. Dating websites such as Match, eHarmony and in some ways, Plenty of Fish, tend to have more relationship reminded people on them. Although, even then, it’s still best to take precautions as unfortunately they’re not totally free of players, people who just want a quick sex fix and the like.

 

Nothing wrong if someone just wants to have sex. However, there are some people that can trick others into a relationship (which could include them being very eager to touch you a lot on the first date or two, unless I suppose you’ve given them permission to do so), so they can do something sexual. And then likely disappear after once they’ve had their fun.

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I know it's pretty much a hook up but then again, some of my friends met their boyfriends on Tinder. Usually the guys who are only after sex mention it pretty much at the beginning, and the guy I met didn't talk about sex. Actually our conversation was pretty decent, so that's why I was probably surprised by how touchy feely he was.

 

Oh and by the way, Tinder is a hookup app so most people you meet on there will assume you're looking for quick sex.
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You have a right to prevent people from invading your personal space no matter the situation. I know when my stepdaughter first started working, she said a male co-worker was touching her in this way and I told her that she needed to tell him she didn't want him doing that, and if he thought she was B for saying so, that was his issue and that not every person needed to like her.

 

The first time he touched me, I would've smiled and said, "Oh, just so you know, I'm not comfortable with touchy-feely stuff until I get a comfort level with a person, and that's never on the first date." Something to that effect. If he balks, argues, makes you feel like a cold fish, etc., end the date at that point because he's a jerk. If he respects your wishes and is apologetic, you can decide if you want to get to know him any further.

 

You might want to try meet up.com for a less stressful way of dating. Good luck.

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No. Listen to your gut instincts and do not second guess yourself.

 

Aside from his penchant for physical contact, how else did his demeanour come across?

 

He was sweet, paid for my drinks, talked about our second date, made it clear he wanted to see me again. He texted me after the date that I was amazing and made plans for date no.2.

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I went out with a guy that did the same as above... touched my arm, hands, shoulder, etc... he was from Brazil where physical touch is very common and accepted culturally so I didn't see it as disrespectful, but I also wasn't comfortable with it at all. I don't mind a hug upon meeting and/or leaving as I tend to be a hugger myself but otherwise I like having my personal space respected while I am getting to know someone.

 

OP it's entirely up to you and what you are comfortable with... there is no right or wrong here and no "normal".

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He was sweet, paid for my drinks, talked about our second date, made it clear he wanted to see me again. He texted me after the date that I was amazing and made plans for date no.2.

 

Kim, I hope that's a good sign, but in my opinion, a man who touches you all over the place on the first date clearly doesn't have a lot of personal boundaries in place and doesn't respect your space. Being sweet, paying for drinks, talking about a second date and telling you that you're amazing could also means that he thinks you'll loosen up on the next date.

 

If he starts touching you again on the second date, you MUST say something. If he disappears you'll know that's all he wanted.

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I just read a few articles, and apparently touching the lower back is encouraged. I guess I have a different vision of what a gentleman should do.

 

Encouraged by whom? That's absurd. Stop listening to magazine surveys. You have a perfect right to not be pawed on the first, second, third, or tenth date. If he doesn't like it, tell him to get lost.

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Yeah, it’s not exclusively used for hook-ups. The first two women I dated after becoming single again were from Tinder and both were open to/looking for relationships (as am I).

 

You can generally tell which profiles are purely for hook-ups as they either explicitly say so, don’t have bio at all, or have suggestive pictures.

 

On topic though, touching is something I do on first dates but usually based on non-verbal cues I get and I never over-do it. Sounds to me like he was either exceptionally crap at reading your body language or (more likely) chose to push it anyway as he was only after a hook-up.

 

I have to say, one of the things I was oblivious to after dropping back into the dating game for the first time in 16yrs is how it seems completely normal to kiss on a first date - and I’m talking full on kissing, not just on the cheek. It caught me by surprise anyway.

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I just read a few articles, and apparently touching the lower back is encouraged. I guess I have a different vision of what a gentleman should do

 

I have a different vision too. I like it when a man is concentrated on getting to know me and forming a friendship. Opening doors for me, being polite, those to me are what makes him a definite for a second date.

 

I think any man being touchy feely on the first date is showing that he doesn't understand boundaries.

It's a huge turn off for me.

 

A hug on a first date? Why? I don't know him, he doesn't know me. It's weird.

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I have to say, one of the things I was oblivious to after dropping back into the dating game for the first time in 16yrs is how it seems completely normal to kiss on a first date - and I’m talking full on kissing, not just on the cheek. It caught me by surprise anyway.

 

"Normal" for whom?

 

There is no normal. There is only people following like sheep believing that they needs to act like everyone else or do what everyone else is expecting them to do.

And even then, most of them are following what tv shows or movies or what others are telling them to do.

 

Just do what feels comfortable for you, don't follow the crowd as more often than not, the crowd is wrong.

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I pulled away when he touched my hair, but did not say anything. I didn't want to come off as rude I guess.

 

^^^^^ x 1000

 

I wonder if you used body language to discourage him? When he touches your hair, you could pull away from him and frown. If he continues, just say, "Hey, I wish you wouldn't do that."

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"Normal" for whom?

 

There is no normal. There is only people following like sheep believing that they needs to act like everyone else or do what everyone else is expecting them to do.

And even then, most of them are following what tv shows or movies or what others are telling them to do.

 

Just do what feels comfortable for you, don't follow the crowd as more often than not, the crowd is wrong.

 

Well, “normal” in that it’s been OK for all but one of the women I’ve dated in the last six months. I’ll add that I obviously didn’t initiate the first few times... but I guess I’m just comfortable with physical interaction during a first date if it’s gone really well. The important thing is about reading the situation, being comfortable with the idea and not overstepping boundaries. Everyone’s different.

 

If OP is uncomfortable but liked the guy, by all means she should definitely tell him if she’s wanting to entertain the second date. If he’s a decent guy, he’d completely welcome that approach as opposed to being written off for something he may just have been unaware was an issue for you.

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Thanks, I basically started this thread to see if this is something common to do on a first date or not.

 

I went out with a guy that did the same as above... touched my arm, hands, shoulder, etc... he was from Brazil where physical touch is very common and accepted culturally so I didn't see it as disrespectful, but I also wasn't comfortable with it at all. I don't mind a hug upon meeting and/or leaving as I tend to be a hugger myself but otherwise I like having my personal space respected while I am getting to know someone.

 

OP it's entirely up to you and what you are comfortable with... there is no right or wrong here and no "normal".

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I actually don't want to go on a second date with him. Besides him being touchy feely, he keeps texting me all the time which honestly freaks me out.

 

Kim, I hope that's a good sign, but in my opinion, a man who touches you all over the place on the first date clearly doesn't have a lot of personal boundaries in place and doesn't respect your space. Being sweet, paying for drinks, talking about a second date and telling you that you're amazing could also means that he thinks you'll loosen up on the next date.

 

If he starts touching you again on the second date, you MUST say something. If he disappears you'll know that's all he wanted.

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It doesn't matter if touching is encouraged or not or if it's right or wrong. What matters is that you're uncomfortable and you have all the right to be. This means that this is not the right guy for you. It's normal that many dates are one and done.

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Hugging a guy I just met is too personal for me. I kissed him on the cheek, and then he hugged me, also when we said goodbye. Then again, I’m from a different cultural background, so maybe I have different expectations.

 

I think it’s pretty common to start a date with a hug, but anything more than that seems over the top and too personal.
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I think it’s pretty common to start a date with a hug, but anything more than that seems over the top and too personal.

 

Yes, it'd be for me too.

 

Something funny with the cultural differences I experience on touching here. I come from a south European country and I'm living in a Scandinavian country. In my country there's a habit of kissing the cheeks of the person lightly when you meet them (woman to woman or man to woman) and you do that with almost everyone weather you know them well or not, unless you're at a professional setting or a more formal situation. It's so natural I don't even think about it. Here people greet with a handshake or a light hug. I have to remember this because 2 dates I forgot that the habits here are different and I kissed the cheeks of one guy who was going to give me an handshake and you should see the horror in his face. It was super awkward. On the other date I forgot too and he was approaching to give me a hug and I did "my country's greeting" and he looked at me like I was an alien lol

 

But when it comes to general touching I'm very shy on the first dates and would feel uncomfortable if someone was so touchy to me as this guy with the OP.

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