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Don't know if I should break up or not


Lovelavie

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I have been with my BF for 7 months now, we´ve had lots of ups and downs, especially because of him not having a job. But we talked a lot and he explained to me how he used to work with his mom and their company broke and they owe money to lots of people and he's just overall in a bad financial state. He's trying hard to get a job, whenever he has money he pays everything for me (not that it's something I want to happen, just saying that he always makes an effort to please me), and we're working things out in our way.

 

We get along well, we've been friends for 2 years now and we know each other a lot. Honestly he's the only person I've ever felt safe with. I know he truly loves me, however everything crumbles down when it comes to our future. I am moving to Australia in 4 months and I'll be staying there for at least a year. He's making plans to go next year for us to live together, but even if he does, we'll be 5 months apart. One thing that makes me extremely uncomfortable is the fact that every girl that's in our friends' circle he's hooked up with or hit on. No matter what she looks like, no matter if she's nice or not, if it's a girl, he's got involved with somehow. This makes me kind of insecure even though I know he's in love with me and I do believe he would never cheat, I can't get over the fact that every single weekend we get together with our friends, there will be at least a girl he's had a fling with, if not two, three and so on...

 

He says in these 5 months he won't hook up with anyone. But I just can't believe it. 5 months is a long time. I also find myself getting more and more involved and I feel like I will just hurt myself if I continue to be with him in these 4 months that's left. I want to break up and get rid of this horrible feeling that's in me but at the same time it hurts to think I won't have him in my life anymore. I don't know what to do. I try so hard not to be insecure but at the same time I find myself crying because of all this, and I just want it all to stop. It's like I met the right person at the wrong time. I know what's meant to be will be, but for now I just want this sad feeling that's in me to go away...

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I don't know how old you are but you sound very young. I think you should go with your gut feeling that you should break it off now. You're going to be a great distance away, and even under the best of circumstances, a long distance thing is very difficult.

 

Also, if he's so short on money, how on earth is he going to afford to travel to you? I think it's just a lot of pie-in-the-sky on his part. Lots of intentions and no finances to back them up.

 

Save yourself a lot of heartache by breaking it off now. I doubt seriously that he could avoid hooking up with other girls while you're gone.

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I'm 25 and he's 26. His dad has money and says he'll help him out with the trip until he can walk with his own feet. He never asks his dad for money, so this is something he surely will help my BF out. However, knowing myself, I know I will be paranoid these 5 months apart, no matter how hard I try to believe in, I think it's to far fetched to believe in a fairy tale story. Unfortunaly, I can't believe in men in general...

 

He's all "we love each other and we'll make it work because of the feeling we have for each other" and I'm more of a realist, where I know that with time things draw apart and 5 months is a long time, enough for things to cool down between us... it will be a hurtful process, and usually I end up getting hurt the most and the other person moves on easily.

 

And you're right, in the end I think I really should trust my gut feeling, I feel like this will hurt one way or another and I just want to make this process the least hurtful possible.

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I don't know how you feel so special to him, since he has had zero standards of who he hooks up with. You should be learning life lessons about who will be a good longterm potential partner to you and who won't. You should come up with a must-have list and a dealbreaker list, and cut the losers lose as soon as you see they don't meet all of your main needs. One of the items on the dealbreaker list should be financial instability.

 

What you see in the present, expect for the future because hoping for change is a fantasy which likely won't turn into reality. He's deep in debt. He's not working. He bangs anyone of the opposite gender. He has the time to shower you with all of this affection because he's not otherwise encumbered with making a living. And you think this is the one prize above all men who is meant for your one precious life on this earth?

 

Perhaps you should work on building a healthier self esteem or you will keep choosing losers over and over, as subconsciously you think that's who you deserve. I bet when your self worth has improved, you will be choosing and attracting decent men because you will accept nothing less. Take care.

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I don't know how you feel so special to him, since he has had zero standards of who he hooks up with. You should be learning life lessons about who will be a good longterm potential partner to you and who won't. You should come up with a must-have list and a dealbreaker list, and cut the losers lose as soon as you see they don't meet all of your main needs. One of the items on the dealbreaker list should be financial instability.

 

.

 

This hurts to read, but it's the truth I wanted to see from someone else's perspective. I always ask myself if I'm being paranoid with the fact that every weekend we have at least of girl he's slept with around us, even though he tells me they mean nothing, it still bugs me. I ask myself if I'm supposed to feel that way or not given that it happened in the past. But the thing is, he has hooked up with a lot of people I know, even a person I used to consider my friend. He's hit on some of my friends also, serisouly it just makes me so mad that he used to be like this. I just wish I had never fallen for him, I wish he never meant anything to me besides a friend. But deep inside I know I need to let go, I know I deserve better, I feel like I'm always expecting and hoping for something to happen that never does happen.

 

He has changed, but for example, this weekend we were at his friends' house. It was just me, him, two friends and one girl he's slept with. I felt uncomfortable the WHOLE time. I feel like this isn't fair to me. He says she means nothing, but the fact that they've been so intimate hurts me... I feel like I'm the one to blame since I knew this all along and decided to continue with it... but I just want to be happy and I feel like I can't be 100% happy with him, but at the same time, I feel like it's so hard to find someone who you get along with and have the same tastes. :icon_sad:

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Love, the world is full of guys who have the same tastes as you do and will get along with you. Believe me, as Andrina said, he isn't the only guy on earth for you. Trust me on this one.

 

I've been in a situation where I've had to be in the company of my husband's former girlfriend, and I can tell you, it's very uncomfortable, no matter how noble you try to be. You're right that it isn't fair to you for him to constantly expose you to his old girlfriends.

 

Go to Australia and start a new life, one that doesn't include him. You'll be tremendously happy.

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I sent him a long text breaking up with him.

 

I can't stand the fact that every freaking weekend we meet at least one girl he's hooked up with. It's like I constantly have to tell myself that it's okay, that he's with me and I don't have to feel bad about other girls. But it was only after this weekend that I realized how this is so horrible for my mental health that it's destroying my self esteem and I'm on the verge of freaking out.

 

I think I'd rather feel hurt for a while now that every weekend have to deal with some situation I'm extremely uncomfortable with.

 

This sucks, I'm tired of starting over... but oh well. I won't force myself to feel ok with a situation that constantly bugs me.

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Is he still sleeping until noon, drinking every day and saying he doesn't want to work?

 

No, he has changed a LOT. And he thanks me for the fact that I also helped him in this process. But I feel like we're constantly "working" to get somewhere. We're never there. There's always so many issues between us. My parents were so happy for me that I finally was in a "happy" relationship. But today I woke up crying, anxious. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't know much about life, but I think that it's wrong to stay with someone that deep down makes you feel this way, even though he doesn't mean to.

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No, he has changed a LOT. And he thanks me for the fact that I also helped him in this process. But I feel like we're constantly "working" to get somewhere. We're never there. There's always so many issues between us. My parents were so happy for me that I finally was in a "happy" relationship. But today I woke up crying, anxious. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't know much about life, but I think that it's wrong to stay with someone that deep down makes you feel this way, even though he doesn't mean to.

 

I agree.

 

I suffered from terrible anxiety until my relationship with my ex ended. Magically, my anxiety disappeared. Vanished. And never came back.

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I agree.

 

I suffered from terrible anxiety until my relationship with my ex ended. Magically, my anxiety disappeared. Vanished. And never came back.

 

Yeah, I have always had anxiety, but before him I was so much more confident in myself. Now I find myself constantly working on telling myself that his past means nothing. Even though his past is always in our present. Every freaking weekend I have to talk to a girl he's been with. It's exhausting.

 

I'm crying as I write this, I blame myself for all of this. I wish I didn't feel this way but I do, and I just want it to end.

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Then end it and solve your own problem. Behaving in one way but wishing for a different outcome is counterproductive and it won't get you anywhere. Try to find some peace. Wishing you peace in your decisions and more conviction in yourself.

 

As others have already mentioned, there's a different way to live. Eventually once you find it, you'll realize you'll never go back to this type of living again. Value YOU and trust yourself more.

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I never know if I'm making the right decision or not. I got attached to how much he's changed after he started liking me and how much he's done in order to be with me that I simply kept telling myself that I was wrong to feel this way. I do indeed believe the past is in the past, but it got tiring to meet with at least one girl he's been with on the weekends. I don't mind being around just don't like the fact that he acts normal to them, I feel humiliated actually and if he won't change that then I just have to leave...

 

I feel sad, like once again I believe in someone and it didn't turn out as I expected... people in general are selfish idk...

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OP.. If your best friend came to you with your story, saying her BF doesn't work that the relationship is constant "work" and if she is just not happy anymore. What advice would you give her?

I think what you were in was a "One way" relationship. Seemed like everything flowed in one direction. You to him. You did what you could to make him happy, but to make you happy there had to have been conditions met first.

 

I think you already know the answer to all of your questions. You are not happy and you should of gotten out of the relationship. You don't trust him, you don't believe him, so why would you or anyone stay in a relationship like that? If he wants to better himself, he will have to do it for him, not for you. He is the one who is going to have to stand up on his own (or with daddy's money) and make a change. You cannot be the one who is constantly driving him to change. He has to change for him.

 

In the long run, this is the best thing you could of done. This guy was just a dreamer and is waiting for something to happen instead of making it happen. You are the type of person who wants to make things happen. Find someone who is more aligned with you instead of trying to convince yourself or this guy that you two are go getters. Hey, he could be the nicest guy in the world, but that doesn't mean he is right for you. You are going to be just fine.

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