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Thread: Was I right in driving my relationship to a breakup?

  1. #1
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    Was I right in driving my relationship to a breakup?

    Sorry that this post is absurdly long, I have been dying over this and I needed perspective and I didn't know how else to vent all my emotions and thoughts

    My boyfriend and I met at uni and were friends for a year and a half before he asked me out. I was hesitant, since our cohort is tight-knit and I didn't want things not to work and be awkward, and I also sort of thought he was a bit of a d*ck when he asked me out, and I thought he would be difficult for me to date as he often offended me even when we were just friends. I thought about it for a while and decided not to overthink it, just go out with him, as I no doubt liked him, so we went on a few dates. He gave me mixed signals and I was unsure if he would want to keep dating when I then went overseas, fell for this guy, made out with him a bit on the trip thinking he would want to be with me, came back and told the original guy I had met someone else, we stayed friends, guy B ended up being not what I thought and I was getting closer to my friends so eventually we decided to keep dating after all. He was aware of the situation with the other guy but since we weren't a thing yet he was okay with this. (none of that is really relevant but it gives background as to how this all started).

    We dated for 6 months. During the first few months things were awesome, we got along so well and to be honest I let most rude comments or hurtful things slide off me because I felt I deserved it all for what I had done with the other guy. I was giving the relationship my all and I showed him as much love and care as I could. We had (have) so much in common; two common languages, almost all the same life views, similar hobbies, similar sense of humour (and I have a strange sense of humour), I had never been with someone before I enjoyed being around so much even with the relationship part of it aside. But I started to notice things like how he never offered to host me but always invited himself over to my house (even though I live far from uni and he lives a 20min bike ride away), that he sometimes said rude things and that he criticised me a lot off-handedly. My self esteem was decreasing rather than increasing.

    Then the holidays hit, and we no longer saw each other every day. To start the holidays we went camping for a few days with a group of friends. There were three couples including us, but I felt I was the only one being often criticised and shouted at for simple things like wanting to add a certain thing to the dish we were cooking or hopping into the water in the middle of the hike with my friend to cool off. It really ruined the trip for me and I remember sitting on the shore and crying because the whole exam period I had so looked forwards to spending time with him again and now he was just hurting me. Repeatedly in the relationship he said things that really stung, like that I was unobservant, erratic, impatient, can't read a map, etc.- to me, saying something that would hurt him hurt me, which I guess is how love works, and I only wanted to lift his self-esteem and make him see himself the way I did, as an amazing person, but somehow he could say painful things to me without feeling any regret or pain from it and this far far outweighed the very very scarce compliments I received. Things like cooking were never (and I literally mean never) without me being told that I was doing something wrong (even when he didn't know how to cook the dish himself), and I became quite constantly on edge about everything that I did and said in case he would find a personal fault or a flaw in me because of it.

    A bigger issue for me was that he seemed not to care about me and our communication was sparse throughout the holidays. Very little texting, constantly being left on seen, no interest whatsoever in me or how I was going, even when I would ask him how he was going or how his day was. He made time to see me, (but I always questioned whether he was making time or just already had time, as he doesn't have many friends and spends most of his time on YouTube or with his parents) but when we weren't physically together, I may as well have been single. I felt exceedingly lonely, more than I ever felt when I was single, and too depressed by the whole situation to get out of bed or to run errands or enjoy life at all (sounds excessive but relationships have an extreme effect on me for reasons I don't understand and I am unable to put things in perspective as it being "just a relationship")

    I had 2 weeks of placement during which he didn't ask me once how it was going, even though he knew through a group chat that I was having a terrible time. By this point I was quite upset, and I was about to go overseas to visit family. I told him he should text me while I am overseas, and he said "there's nothing to talk about", which really stung. I probed him further on this and he said that he was just gonna ask "How's Malta" and I'd say "sh*t" and he'd say "ok" (because I was in an upset mood I was projecting and saying my family was not going to get along well overseas (my dad and younger sister both have severe anger issues that clash horrendously on holidays)-- which is true but didn't mean I wasn't gonna enjoy the holiday, and in his position I would want to know how they are getting along and if I am coping with the situation). Another thing that upset me was that he decided to do his placement (which we can do anywhere in the state) 3+ hours away from the area where we live, which meant we would only have like 4 days to see each other when I would get back before he was leaving for a further two weeks. At first we thought it was actually going to be no days together, I just wouldn't see him until after the holidays, and this upset me so much but he didn't even react or care.
    I think I was visibly very upset that day (both before and after this conversation) from the whole relationship and he didn't really care or notice to find out what was wrong. While I was overseas, I felt so alone, and he didn't ask me a SINGLE time in 5 weeks how the trip was, how my family was getting along, how even one of my many flights were, when I was getting back, which country I was in, whether I was alive????, nothing. My sister and her boyfriend were constantly texting back and forth, sending selfies and lovehearts, skyping, and with us, there was not a single "how are you" (I did ask him how his trip was going but he never reciprocated the question), "I miss you", "how's __(country)__ going..." nothing.
    I also was notified by him that he was going to go to a holiday house with his parents 2 days after I got back (which he asked if I could come to but I couldn't due to my own placement which was taking place at the same time as his but without the Monday off), even though we had some loose plans to go camping that weekend. He could have easily given up going to this holiday house (which belongs to his parents and he goes to all the time); especially since he said he was just going to "sit indoors and read the whole weekend". I asked if maybe we could meet up midway between my house and his placement on the weekend after when there was no placement but he didn't want to because it was too far and he wanted to go fishing.

    My problem is that I do not know how to communicate. The thought of bringing it up to him that I felt unhappy, lonely, and single, in the relationship, caused me to hyperventilate, lose sleep, and not be able to focus. I tried to do it but choked on words. So as always I just held it back, and the only way I knew to cope was to distance myself from the relationship that was just painful and filled with rejection for me. We moved into the university dorm for the first time in our new campus after his placement and I was not myself for this time. My best friend (also male) noticed and constantly tried to check if I was okay because he felt I seemed depressed. My boyfriend didn't ask once. I acted distant and stopped putting effort in and initiating things. I stopped doing things that I used to do like giving him food all the time and trying to be around him as much as I could and I stopped wanting to do physical things because I felt disgusted doing that stuff if he didn't care about me. On the first weekend I went home, and when were were briefly texting I told him my friend had gone missing the night before and I was up the whole night searching for her and he didn't ask a single detail (not even was she found??). This was confirmation to me that he truly didn't care so I continued to distance myself and feel progressively more and more lonely. I felt the relationship was adding nothing to my life but pain and that he didn't like me at all, otherwise he wouldn't criticise me, he'd care about me and he'd be interested in what is going on in my life not only when we were physically together. I felt that it was missing missing key elements like care, heart to heart conversations, being there for each other, and I started to feel lonely even when I was by his side. Also worth saying we never got to the stage of "I love you" and things like "I like you" or "I care about you" were very rare if at all said.
    On the second week we spent a bit of time together but it was half-hearted from my perspective, and on the third week we basically didn't talk at all, and I several times wanted to just break it off but couldn't bring myself to do it. I came to stay over in his room the following week, and he apologised that we hadn't talked. He said he thinks we should go on more dates, go hiking, etc. and I took this as my chance to talk about what was bothering me.

    I said that I felt we don't talk enough in general, that I felt alone in the relationship and he said that he won't talk when he has nothing to talk about. I said when you care about someone there is always something to talk about but I don't think this convinced him. I said I didn't feel he liked me at all and was met with silence. When I tried to figure out why he was being silent, he said he felt the relationship was "good but not great", which is true, the relationship was really sh*t by this point (though apparently he had been feeling it for a few months), but that never changed for me that I liked him. He fluctuated between saying he did like me and not being able to give me a straight answer, saying things like "I like being your friend and I like the way you look, and I thought that was enough", "How do you know (if you like someone)??", "even if I did like you I don't think I would message you", "I do like you" etc.
    He agreed that he criticises me a lot and I told him that when you like someone, you want to message them, and you want to know how they are, and it pains you to make them hurt, and you see them through rose coloured glasses, just as I didn't see the flaws in him that everyone else seemed to and I saw so many good things in him rather than bad like he saw in me. He said he saw both the good and the bad in me but he couldn't name more than 2 good things about me (and they were really weird- that I can get ready quickly and that I use android features well; neither things he had ever mentioned to me during the relationship either).
    I said at one point that I felt he was only dating me because he wanted a girlfriend and not because he wanted me, and he simply responded with "how do you know these things?", and also sort of said that he was also dating me because he wanted a friend.

    This stuff all hurt so much to hear, and the next day we went out for coffee and talked and he said that I had figured it all out and that I was right about him not liking me etc. I asked why he dated me for 6 months if he didn't like me and he said "you're quite a catch". To write this causes me so much physical pain because it was so traumatic hearing this from my boyfriend who is also one of my best friends.


    It's been maybe 3 weeks since, and I can't move on. I am making progress and then falling back into these pits of pain and regret. Should I have communicated earlier? Tried to salvage this relationship? Been less passive aggressive at the end, maybe that made him lose feelings for me? Did I plant in his head/convince him that he actually didn't like me with all the evidence I had built up, after all the conversation just started with him wanting to go on more dates...
    He lives in my small dorm and he's part of my social group (wasn't really when we were dating but I guess now he has lost me as his gf he is suddenly spending heaps of time with my group -_-), and him and I get along just like we did when we were dating- fantastically. And it makes me constantly question why we ever broke up. When I am with him I just want to be his girlfriend again and I keep flashing back to the breakup and feeling intense pain. I don't know how I could find someone so similar to me and all-rounded as him again. And I think back to all the happy moments in our relationship, holding hands and kissing and hugging so lovingly and spending so much time together, expressions that he made, things he said, and I don't know how to fathom that he just didn't like me that whole time??? That there was no feeling on his end??? Everything feels fake and awful when I look at it that way, but it also seems surely impossible, given we were close and happy before things got this way, which makes me feel like I convinced him of something that maybe was not even true??

    Anyway, I can't move on and I can't feel normal again. I can't imagine finding someone like him again and I don't know what to do. I guess I am here for some sort of perspective on whether I majorly screwed up a chance at happiness. Thank you for every and any answer.
    Last edited by pachzevel; 03-27-2019 at 07:35 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing breaking up. It wasn't working and you were too incompatible despite some good points in the beginning.

  3. #3
    Member Monmouth's Avatar
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    He does sound a rather abusive person verbally. The good thing is you broke with him.
    Move on & find someone who deserves you, even your ex had to admit that your'e quite a catch.
    Other men will think so too & treat you as such!

  4. #4
    Screwed you chance of happiness? With someone who didn't think anything of you? Do you really want someone like him again? Someone who never really liked you? Someone who was destroying yourself esteem by constantly criticizing you and didn't give a crap about you? Really? It doesn't matter how early or late you communicated with him because it wouldn't have changed how he felt about you. He kept you as a GF because he just wanted a friend. What the hell is that about? Just remember that if you had stayed in a relationship with him you would've been very unhappy. At least now you are free to move on (it takes time but you'll get there) and free to pursue other things. There is a guy out there somewhere that will treat you the way you deserve.

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    According to your narrative, he is not an amazing person as you see him to be. He seems to me a classic extremely criticizing person who thinks that he always (and he alone) is right and better. Thatís why he ďtries to correctĒ others. People like him do that only to those who they perceive as inferior to them and want to control everything, in addiction.

    Relationships have an extreme effect on me. That is how it should be. If you are indifferent and perceive it as just a relationship then you are in the wrong relationship. It is no longer a relationship at all.

    The thing that I can not comprehend is that you want to find a guy like him again. So you want to find someone to verbally abuse you?

    You write that you can not feel normal again. I donít know what normal is. In fact, normal, is a relevant term.

    Way I see it, you gained much experience. Now you know what features you donít want on a person. What you donít want in a relationship, which leads you to know what exactly want from a relationship.

    If I were you I would continue with my life,use what i've learned from my pevious relationship, meet new people and eventually someone else will come, again. But remember, he wonít be the prince on the white horse and make sure that he is nothing like your ex. Which mainly means: someone who sees you solely like a catch.

  7. 03-27-2019, 12:16 PM

  8. #6
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    "I also sort of thought he was a bit of a d*ck when he asked me out, and I thought he would be difficult for me to date as he often offended me even when we were just friends."'

    " I let most rude comments or hurtful things slide of"

    What were you thinking! I cannot faithom why you would have anything to do with guy, much less date him. You need to address your low self esteem issues. He did not respect you and was abusive. You need to address why you got involved with this creep, and stay single a long while.

    Block and delete.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-27-2019 at 01:41 PM.

  9. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Getting rid of him is the best decision you've made in a long time.

    Never ever get into a relationship where a man is rude to you, puts you down, etc. When you feel your self esteem is being eroded, you don't stick around, you run. I don't care what hobbies or interests you think you have in common. It doesn't matter, because the relationship is toxic and is literally eroding you as a human being.

  10. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    He said rude things to you, constantly criticized you, never complimented you and never shared his feelings. You admit you overlooked these things and dated him anyway. And yet you wrapped this post up with this:

    I don't know how I could find someone so similar to me and all-rounded as him again. And I think back to all the happy moments in our relationship, holding hands and kissing and hugging so lovingly and spending so much time together, expressions that he made, things he said

    I am sorry you are hurting and sometimes we romanticize things when we clearly should not. When you think about it, why would you do this unless you are trying to hurt yourself more than you already are? Stop.

    Give yourself some time to grieve. It's pretty typical to do this, along with all the safe blame and what if's. Within time you will see things more clearly and believe or not you'll be grateful that he let you go so you can find someone who's crazy about you and wants the same thing you do. This guy clearly didn't and doesn't deserve you.

    Head high.
    Hang in there.

  11. #9
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    "He said he saw both the good and the bad in me but he couldn't name more than 2 good things about me (and they were really weird- that I can get ready quickly and that I use android features well; neither things he had ever mentioned to me during the relationship either)."

    I cannot believe that this is what he said. It is sad and terrible.
    The following paragraph is even more awful. Know that this guy was NEVER your friend.

    OP, why do you think so little of yourself that you would tolerate any of this behavior? You should address this. Can you speak to a counselor at school?

    Time to expand your friend group. Didn't your friends ever comment on how badly he treated you.? Clearly, others can see he is a bully- but you did too, and still decided to date him :(


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