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Thread: Don't know if I should break up or not

  1. #1
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    Don't know if I should break up or not

    I have been with my BF for 7 months now, we´ve had lots of ups and downs, especially because of him not having a job. But we talked a lot and he explained to me how he used to work with his mom and their company broke and they owe money to lots of people and he's just overall in a bad financial state. He's trying hard to get a job, whenever he has money he pays everything for me (not that it's something I want to happen, just saying that he always makes an effort to please me), and we're working things out in our way.

    We get along well, we've been friends for 2 years now and we know each other a lot. Honestly he's the only person I've ever felt safe with. I know he truly loves me, however everything crumbles down when it comes to our future. I am moving to Australia in 4 months and I'll be staying there for at least a year. He's making plans to go next year for us to live together, but even if he does, we'll be 5 months apart. One thing that makes me extremely uncomfortable is the fact that every girl that's in our friends' circle he's hooked up with or hit on. No matter what she looks like, no matter if she's nice or not, if it's a girl, he's got involved with somehow. This makes me kind of insecure even though I know he's in love with me and I do believe he would never cheat, I can't get over the fact that every single weekend we get together with our friends, there will be at least a girl he's had a fling with, if not two, three and so on...

    He says in these 5 months he won't hook up with anyone. But I just can't believe it. 5 months is a long time. I also find myself getting more and more involved and I feel like I will just hurt myself if I continue to be with him in these 4 months that's left. I want to break up and get rid of this horrible feeling that's in me but at the same time it hurts to think I won't have him in my life anymore. I don't know what to do. I try so hard not to be insecure but at the same time I find myself crying because of all this, and I just want it all to stop. It's like I met the right person at the wrong time. I know what's meant to be will be, but for now I just want this sad feeling that's in me to go away...

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I don't know how old you are but you sound very young. I think you should go with your gut feeling that you should break it off now. You're going to be a great distance away, and even under the best of circumstances, a long distance thing is very difficult.

    Also, if he's so short on money, how on earth is he going to afford to travel to you? I think it's just a lot of pie-in-the-sky on his part. Lots of intentions and no finances to back them up.

    Save yourself a lot of heartache by breaking it off now. I doubt seriously that he could avoid hooking up with other girls while you're gone.

  3. #3
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    I'm 25 and he's 26. His dad has money and says he'll help him out with the trip until he can walk with his own feet. He never asks his dad for money, so this is something he surely will help my BF out. However, knowing myself, I know I will be paranoid these 5 months apart, no matter how hard I try to believe in, I think it's to far fetched to believe in a fairy tale story. Unfortunaly, I can't believe in men in general...

    He's all "we love each other and we'll make it work because of the feeling we have for each other" and I'm more of a realist, where I know that with time things draw apart and 5 months is a long time, enough for things to cool down between us... it will be a hurtful process, and usually I end up getting hurt the most and the other person moves on easily.

    And you're right, in the end I think I really should trust my gut feeling, I feel like this will hurt one way or another and I just want to make this process the least hurtful possible.

  4. #4
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Good for you. I'm sure you're making the right decision.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I don't know how you feel so special to him, since he has had zero standards of who he hooks up with. You should be learning life lessons about who will be a good longterm potential partner to you and who won't. You should come up with a must-have list and a dealbreaker list, and cut the losers lose as soon as you see they don't meet all of your main needs. One of the items on the dealbreaker list should be financial instability.

    What you see in the present, expect for the future because hoping for change is a fantasy which likely won't turn into reality. He's deep in debt. He's not working. He bangs anyone of the opposite gender. He has the time to shower you with all of this affection because he's not otherwise encumbered with making a living. And you think this is the one prize above all men who is meant for your one precious life on this earth?

    Perhaps you should work on building a healthier self esteem or you will keep choosing losers over and over, as subconsciously you think that's who you deserve. I bet when your self worth has improved, you will be choosing and attracting decent men because you will accept nothing less. Take care.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    I don't know how you feel so special to him, since he has had zero standards of who he hooks up with. You should be learning life lessons about who will be a good longterm potential partner to you and who won't. You should come up with a must-have list and a dealbreaker list, and cut the losers lose as soon as you see they don't meet all of your main needs. One of the items on the dealbreaker list should be financial instability.

    .
    This hurts to read, but it's the truth I wanted to see from someone else's perspective. I always ask myself if I'm being paranoid with the fact that every weekend we have at least of girl he's slept with around us, even though he tells me they mean nothing, it still bugs me. I ask myself if I'm supposed to feel that way or not given that it happened in the past. But the thing is, he has hooked up with a lot of people I know, even a person I used to consider my friend. He's hit on some of my friends also, serisouly it just makes me so mad that he used to be like this. I just wish I had never fallen for him, I wish he never meant anything to me besides a friend. But deep inside I know I need to let go, I know I deserve better, I feel like I'm always expecting and hoping for something to happen that never does happen.

    He has changed, but for example, this weekend we were at his friends' house. It was just me, him, two friends and one girl he's slept with. I felt uncomfortable the WHOLE time. I feel like this isn't fair to me. He says she means nothing, but the fact that they've been so intimate hurts me... I feel like I'm the one to blame since I knew this all along and decided to continue with it... but I just want to be happy and I feel like I can't be 100% happy with him, but at the same time, I feel like it's so hard to find someone who you get along with and have the same tastes.

  8. #7
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Love, the world is full of guys who have the same tastes as you do and will get along with you. Believe me, as Andrina said, he isn't the only guy on earth for you. Trust me on this one.

    I've been in a situation where I've had to be in the company of my husband's former girlfriend, and I can tell you, it's very uncomfortable, no matter how noble you try to be. You're right that it isn't fair to you for him to constantly expose you to his old girlfriends.

    Go to Australia and start a new life, one that doesn't include him. You'll be tremendously happy.

  9. #8
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    Is he still sleeping until noon, drinking every day and saying he doesn't want to work?

  10. #9
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    I sent him a long text breaking up with him.

    I can't stand the fact that every freaking weekend we meet at least one girl he's hooked up with. It's like I constantly have to tell myself that it's okay, that he's with me and I don't have to feel bad about other girls. But it was only after this weekend that I realized how this is so horrible for my mental health that it's destroying my self esteem and I'm on the verge of freaking out.

    I think I'd rather feel hurt for a while now that every weekend have to deal with some situation I'm extremely uncomfortable with.

    This sucks, I'm tired of starting over... but oh well. I won't force myself to feel ok with a situation that constantly bugs me.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Is he still sleeping until noon, drinking every day and saying he doesn't want to work?
    No, he has changed a LOT. And he thanks me for the fact that I also helped him in this process. But I feel like we're constantly "working" to get somewhere. We're never there. There's always so many issues between us. My parents were so happy for me that I finally was in a "happy" relationship. But today I woke up crying, anxious. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't know much about life, but I think that it's wrong to stay with someone that deep down makes you feel this way, even though he doesn't mean to.

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