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Havent told my partner im still technically married


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So ive been seperated from my wife for 5yrs no kids or nothing. It was one of those "18 think you know everything deal" but infedelity on noth of our parts ended it. We havent lived together for 5 yrs and we have been trying to file for this whole time. We tried filing ourselves but its been kicked back so many times that i just recently got a lawyer and hopefully it will get settled soon. The problem is i have been dating someone for the past 3 yrs and we have a kid together and i havent told her im still technically married. I have broken her trust before and we are at a point where we are thinking of getting married. Ive been avoiding the subject eveytime she ask because i dont want to hurt her yet again but i feel like its unavoidable at this point. I dont want to keep hurting her. I feel by waiting i have made it worse and perpetuated the lie. If i tell her i feel it would be over. What should i do?

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Oh wow, just wow. I've had a couple of women do this to me in the past - misrepresent themselves as being single when they are actually separated.

 

It's a big fat lie and you need to tell her TODAY.

 

Trust is a cornerstone in a relationship. It's so important, she can only love you as much as she can trust you.

 

If you want to keep a relationship, you have to stop lying.

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Well, it seems to me that there’s only one way.

 

Tell her everything and I mean e v e r y t h i n g.

 

I think that if you don’t you will, probably, break her trust again.

 

By explaining the reasons of your actions you will show her that you are serious about the relationship you have with her and the future marriage that you are planning.

 

I think that if you don’t open yourself to her the situation is going to be worsened.

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So ive been seperated from my wife for 5yrs no kids or nothing. It was one of those "18 think you know everything deal" but infedelity on noth of our parts ended it. We havent lived together for 5 yrs and we have been trying to file for this whole time. We tried filing ourselves but its been kicked back so many times that i just recently got a lawyer and hopefully it will get settled soon. The problem is i have been dating someone for the past 3 yrs and we have a kid together and i havent told her im still technically married. I have broken her trust before and we are at a point where we are thinking of getting married. Ive been avoiding the subject eveytime she ask because i dont want to hurt her yet again but i feel like its unavoidable at this point. I dont want to keep hurting her. I feel by waiting i have made it worse and perpetuated the lie. If i tell her i feel it would be over. What should i do?

 

You hurt your current partner? Did you cheat on her? If you want to marry her you will have to tell her that you are still married. Trust me, she will not be happy that you kept this from her. If she doesn't find out from you she will likely find out some other way. Prepare for the relationship to be over.

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You need to tell her dude, before she discovers it on her own. Or someone else tells her.

 

This recently happened to me, dating my bf for one year and he never bothered to tell me he was previously married.

 

His sister told me! Apparently she thought I knew and why wouldn't she? We've been dating for one year!

 

I don't care that he was married, but the fact he withheld this info from me broke my trust to the point I will be breaking up with him.

 

YOU may not think it's a big deal (my bf didn't) given the circumstances, but I assure you it very much IS a big deal.

 

And your situation is worse than mine because you are STILL married!

 

I swear I shake my head sometimes at what's going on with some of you guys, your thought process.

 

Tell her before someone else does or she finds out on her own through public records or another way.

 

Or just because honesty and having integrity are important to you which should be the true reason.

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Oh my word, OP.

 

There is no way this revelation isn't going to hurt her. You've been lying by omission for 3 years, and went so far as to have a child together without her knowing exactly what your deal is. She is going to feel seriously betrayed. Just no way around that.

 

You cannot realistically keep lying anymore. She deserves to know you are, technically, still someone else's husband. Even if that relationship has been over a long time, the lack of transparency about your marital status is very troubling. Even if you managed to quietly divorce without ever telling your lady you were married before, you are still going to need to produce evidence of a finalized divorce to your local authorities before you could apply for a new marriage license should you and your current partner decide to get hitched. You aren't going to be able to hide this forever, and imagine her finding out when she's blissfully gathering the necessary information to marry you..and you pull out...your divorce decree. Don't wait to tell her until the last minute.

 

I am sorry to say that this might very well end your relationship. You mentioned you have broken her trust before; this is likely to be the straw that busts the camel's back for good. There really isn't much other option, though. Sit her down. Be honest. Let the chips fall where they may.

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I started dating about 4 months before my divorce was finalized, so i think I can weigh in here.

 

My now current wife? I told her upfront what was going on. She even wanted to see the legal paperwork, I freely shared it with her.

 

I had been separated informally for about 2 years before I even filed for divorce.

 

I am positive that if I had hidden my status from her the dating would have ended as soon as the facts were known.

 

Letting things slide, leaving out significant facts such as being married is a huge clue to a person's character.

 

Whether or not you think it no big deal, many of us do.

 

Tip: Instead of doubling down on the lie of omission and trying to figure out how to keep her from ever knowing what is going on, tell her the truth.

 

Will doing so change things between you are her? Of course! Should it? Of course! Will you like the outcome? Probably not!

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Op I have to ask, you say you have not told her you are "technically" divorced, did you ever tell her you were married?

 

I mean you never had kids with your wife so it would be easy to keep this from her, like my soon-to-be-ex did.

 

If you did tell her you were married, which I hope you did, what did you say when she asked you how long you've been divorced? Which is a standard question to ask upon meeting someone who's been married.

 

Anything other than "I'm not yet divorced" is a lie, NOT a lie of omission but a flat out lie.

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Tell her today, own up to it, apologize, and most importantly, tell her what you are doing about it and how you will fix this problem so that you can move forward with her.

 

Agree.

 

Please, do not tell her you didn't (don't) think it was a big deal, even if YOU don't think it is.

 

That's what my soon to be ex did, he shrugged it off, accused me of "over-reacting" which is actually what pissed me off most of all.

 

Best of luck.

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Your one and only option (imo) is to come clean, and let the chips fall where they may. After lying to her in this capacity, it's likely she'll end it. After all, how can you possibly build the trust after a betrayal of this sort?

 

In short and as the say, "the truth will set you free."

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I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the marriage process, you will need to provide the date of divorce and/or documentation... so... I’m not even sure it’s a choice? You are going to have to bite the bullet and tell her.

 

For what it’s worth - personally, in her shoes, while that would of course upset me very much - and you would definitely have your lumps to take - if we had a child together, this would not spell the end of the relationship for me. It’s paperwork. So yes, there is the element of trust, etc - but at the end of the day, it would not be enough for me to split. If I found out some other way, though (ie: not directly from you), it would be.

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Therea alot more to the story. I told her i used to be married. I do think its a big deal. Im waiting on the lawyer to finalize eveything but idk i feel like i dont deserve her anymore. I feel like she would be better off without me

 

Be honest with her, and let her make that call. Unless you don't actually want to be with her anymore, for some reason you haven't yet shared here.

 

Don't try to just run away from the relationship without ever telling her the truth, though. I hope you are not planning on just breaking up with her and keeping your secret.

 

I would be curious to hear why you have been hiding this from her, though rather than having been honest from the get-go. What was your line of thinking there?

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Therea alot more to the story. I told her i used to be married. I do think its a big deal. Im waiting on the lawyer to finalize eveything but idk i feel like i dont deserve her anymore. I feel like she would be better off without me

 

Thank you for responding back. Re bolded, that's fear talking. You're afraid once she knows the truth, she will dump you so you're protecting yourself by saying she's better off without you, which isn't necessarily true.

 

Just own it now. In all honesty if my soon-to-be-ex had told me he had been married himself, even if it was how many months after we began dating. I may not be dumping him.

 

It's the fact he never disclosed it and then after I found out and talked to him about it (in a non-threatening way), he brushed it off like it was no big deal and accused ME of over-reacting.

 

THAT is why I am ending it with him.

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I'm afraid I agree with MissCanuck in that there is no way this news won't hurt her, given how long you have held on to this information. I am also curious about what your answer will be to katrina's question... does she know you were married to this woman?

 

You need to just bite the bullet and tell her and take the consequences. Sticking your head in the sand and hoping it will go away isn't going to make it so.

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Therea alot more to the story. I told her i used to be married. I do think its a big deal. Im waiting on the lawyer to finalize eveything but idk i feel like i dont deserve her anymore. I feel like she would be better off without me

 

You never answered my question. What did you do to hurt her before? Did you cheat?

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