Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 22

Thread: Havent told my partner im still technically married

  1. #1

    Havent told my partner im still technically married

    So ive been seperated from my wife for 5yrs no kids or nothing. It was one of those "18 think you know everything deal" but infedelity on noth of our parts ended it. We havent lived together for 5 yrs and we have been trying to file for this whole time. We tried filing ourselves but its been kicked back so many times that i just recently got a lawyer and hopefully it will get settled soon. The problem is i have been dating someone for the past 3 yrs and we have a kid together and i havent told her im still technically married. I have broken her trust before and we are at a point where we are thinking of getting married. Ive been avoiding the subject eveytime she ask because i dont want to hurt her yet again but i feel like its unavoidable at this point. I dont want to keep hurting her. I feel by waiting i have made it worse and perpetuated the lie. If i tell her i feel it would be over. What should i do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,434
    Gender
    Male
    Do you want to remarry?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    10,868
    What's the hold up? Who is "kicking back" your divorce and on what basis?

  4. #4
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    1,006
    Oh wow, just wow. I've had a couple of women do this to me in the past - misrepresent themselves as being single when they are actually separated.

    It's a big fat lie and you need to tell her TODAY.

    Trust is a cornerstone in a relationship. It's so important, she can only love you as much as she can trust you.

    If you want to keep a relationship, you have to stop lying.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Age
    24
    Posts
    36
    Gender
    Male
    Well, it seems to me that thereís only one way.

    Tell her everything and I mean e v e r y t h i n g.

    I think that if you donít you will, probably, break her trust again.

    By explaining the reasons of your actions you will show her that you are serious about the relationship you have with her and the future marriage that you are planning.

    I think that if you donít open yourself to her the situation is going to be worsened.

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by Strainedhear
    So ive been seperated from my wife for 5yrs no kids or nothing. It was one of those "18 think you know everything deal" but infedelity on noth of our parts ended it. We havent lived together for 5 yrs and we have been trying to file for this whole time. We tried filing ourselves but its been kicked back so many times that i just recently got a lawyer and hopefully it will get settled soon. The problem is i have been dating someone for the past 3 yrs and we have a kid together and i havent told her im still technically married. I have broken her trust before and we are at a point where we are thinking of getting married. Ive been avoiding the subject eveytime she ask because i dont want to hurt her yet again but i feel like its unavoidable at this point. I dont want to keep hurting her. I feel by waiting i have made it worse and perpetuated the lie. If i tell her i feel it would be over. What should i do?
    You hurt your current partner? Did you cheat on her? If you want to marry her you will have to tell her that you are still married. Trust me, she will not be happy that you kept this from her. If she doesn't find out from you she will likely find out some other way. Prepare for the relationship to be over.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    8,706
    You need to tell her dude, before she discovers it on her own. Or someone else tells her.

    This recently happened to me, dating my bf for one year and he never bothered to tell me he was previously married.

    His sister told me! Apparently she thought I knew and why wouldn't she? We've been dating for one year!

    I don't care that he was married, but the fact he withheld this info from me broke my trust to the point I will be breaking up with him.

    YOU may not think it's a big deal (my bf didn't) given the circumstances, but I assure you it very much IS a big deal.

    And your situation is worse than mine because you are STILL married!

    I swear I shake my head sometimes at what's going on with some of you guys, your thought process.

    Tell her before someone else does or she finds out on her own through public records or another way.

    Or just because honesty and having integrity are important to you which should be the true reason.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-25-2019 at 10:57 AM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    8,396
    Oh my word, OP.

    There is no way this revelation isn't going to hurt her. You've been lying by omission for 3 years, and went so far as to have a child together without her knowing exactly what your deal is. She is going to feel seriously betrayed. Just no way around that.

    You cannot realistically keep lying anymore. She deserves to know you are, technically, still someone else's husband. Even if that relationship has been over a long time, the lack of transparency about your marital status is very troubling. Even if you managed to quietly divorce without ever telling your lady you were married before, you are still going to need to produce evidence of a finalized divorce to your local authorities before you could apply for a new marriage license should you and your current partner decide to get hitched. You aren't going to be able to hide this forever, and imagine her finding out when she's blissfully gathering the necessary information to marry you..and you pull out...your divorce decree. Don't wait to tell her until the last minute.

    I am sorry to say that this might very well end your relationship. You mentioned you have broken her trust before; this is likely to be the straw that busts the camel's back for good. There really isn't much other option, though. Sit her down. Be honest. Let the chips fall where they may.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    1,901
    I started dating about 4 months before my divorce was finalized, so i think I can weigh in here.

    My now current wife? I told her upfront what was going on. She even wanted to see the legal paperwork, I freely shared it with her.

    I had been separated informally for about 2 years before I even filed for divorce.

    I am positive that if I had hidden my status from her the dating would have ended as soon as the facts were known.

    Letting things slide, leaving out significant facts such as being married is a huge clue to a person's character.

    Whether or not you think it no big deal, many of us do.

    Tip: Instead of doubling down on the lie of omission and trying to figure out how to keep her from ever knowing what is going on, tell her the truth.

    Will doing so change things between you are her? Of course! Should it? Of course! Will you like the outcome? Probably not!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    8,706
    Op I have to ask, you say you have not told her you are "technically" divorced, did you ever tell her you were married?

    I mean you never had kids with your wife so it would be easy to keep this from her, like my soon-to-be-ex did.

    If you did tell her you were married, which I hope you did, what did you say when she asked you how long you've been divorced? Which is a standard question to ask upon meeting someone who's been married.

    Anything other than "I'm not yet divorced" is a lie, NOT a lie of omission but a flat out lie.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-25-2019 at 11:48 AM.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •