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Thread: All by myself

  1. #1

    All by myself

    I have been single for 7 years now. i'm Female and 30. Although i am very busy working full time and studying, at times i feel very lonely and sad and am so ready to meet someone to cuddle on the couch with in my pj's. I have been on tinder, but only found men looking for a one night stand. Don't get me wrong, i enjoy a one night stand on occasion, if just only for some skin to skin contact but i only really enjoy sex if i care about the person. All of my friends are now officially either married or are in a partnership with children. I don't think i'm ugly, but i am also not conventionally 'attractive'. I am a well educated, independent, hard working woman who loves to travel and i feel i have a lot to offer in a relationship. So why am i so alone?

  2. #2
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    Eh, Tinder is not a great place to search for anything long-term. It seems you've realized that, though. I get that people sometimes do meet their significant others there, but the primary motivation still seems to be to find a hook-up instead.

    How much do you socialize, in a setting that would be conducive to meeting eligible men? I don't necessarily mean a bar or some such thing, but perhaps a Meet-Up or other community event that attracts like-minded people.

    You say you're also very busy, which doesn't often lend itself well to dating. I'm wondering if your busy schedule is preventing you from finding the time to foster a social life, where there is more potential to find a great guy.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to get on some higher quality relationship oriented (Paid) dating apps with good recent pics and a well written profile. Skip the part about the couch and pjs or any other unattractive descriptions including the entire "why me', 'All my friends are..', "I'm on tinder and all men want is hookups" and 'so lonely, boohoo'. Desperation and becoming a frumpy homebody are universally unattractive.

    If you are unsure of your appearance get some help from going to a salon/beauty place to update your hair, makeup, look, etc. get new stylish clothes, get in shape. Join some groups/clubs, take some classes/courses. Mention interesting hobbies, activities, etc in your profile. And no not "loves to travel", "likes to cuddle on couch", etc. Make sure your profile sounds nothing like this post. Be upbeat, mention interests and focus more on things people can relate to and less on desperation.
    Originally Posted by Rosealie7
    I have been single for 7 years now. am so ready to meet someone to cuddle on the couch with in my pj's. I have been on tinder, but only found men looking for a one night stand.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd skip the tinder and join an app or two more suited to relationship-minded people. I'd skip hookups and set up a bunch of quick meets for coffee after work. I'd take 15 to 30 minutes to check out each guy and not get discouraged when most of them are not a match. Those are natural odds. Rules would be that neither of us can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, if not, no response is necessary.

    I wouldn't get sexually involved with anyone until I've come to know him over t.i.m.e. I'm clear that I bond when I have sex, so I'd be careful and selective about who, exactly, I'll want to bond with.

    It makes no sense to invest in dating bad matches, allow those to pass early, and keep setting up quick meets until you strike simpatico with someone you'll actually want to date.

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  6. #5
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    Do I detect low self esteem there?

    What conventionally attractive means? Who sets the criteria for attraction other than yourself?

    Let me give you an example. Is a woman with extra weight attractive? I think that the first answer that you’ll think is no. But, men who like extra weighted women do exist, and I’m not referring to men with low self esteem that assume they don’t deserve well shaped women.

    I think you should reflect on your insecurities first (if they exist).

    Match your appearance with your personality.

    Be pretty for yourself first.

    Don’t let others define who you are and if you are pretty or not.

    Beauty is a relevant thing. Some men will be attracted to you, some won’t anyway.

    I think that paid apps and meet ups (that others have suggested before me) are great ideas.

    Wiseman2 made a good point: sniveling is “universally unattractive” (as he wrote it), which is fairly true. I think no one wants to get to know a potential sex partner who has negative ambience around him.

    I disagree with Wiseman2 in this: if you really love travelling and that defines you, If you really like and want to cruddle on the couch with someone in your pj’s and that defines you, put it in your profile.

    If you follow Wiseman2’s advice about how to set your profile, your profile will be very attractive (make no mistake), but if you create a profile that doesn’t match your personality, your “fraud” will be discovered.

    Remember, you should want to attract someone who’s personality matches yours. Who has things in common with you.

    Common interests, ideas and views make long lasting relationships possible.

  7. #6

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    I guess you got all the good advises you could from previous replies. I just want to add that you should make sure you feell good about yourself first, and if it implies updating your wardrobe, getting a new haircut or color or visiting a makeup store to try on some new stuff, do it. You will feel more confident and people can perceive you in a different way.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Try to go back and ask yourself what you want a partner for and where you see yourself/what you see yourself doing with this partner (aside from the obvious). Your goals and interests should be aligned. Dating is a practice in self-awareness. If you are not self-aware you will not find a well-matched partner, period. This is the golden rule. That self-awareness should continue and last your lifetime independently of your partner. Both of you should grow in tandem.

    People outgrow each other even in marriages and relationships (not uncommon). Self-actualization and self-awareness is probably the most important thing I'd emphasize about dating and maintaining long term close relationships. It starts with you. It also takes time. We all feel lonely from time to time without someone to bounce off. I think you should be kind to yourself and acknowledge that it's okay to feel that way. It's also important to keep growing with or without that company.

  9. #8
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    Paid or not, online is horrendous. Skip the apps as they are disappointing and a waste of time. I always recommend people get off the internet and live their lives if they are "on the market." That's what I've done and I've got three men interested in me in three different areas of my life. And I'm old lol. So if I can do it, anyone can do it.

    All women really need to do is be approachable (and get off the computer!!) and the rest will take care of itself.

    edited to add: the best piece of advice I received is to become a regular at a restaurant or pub (not talking about a bar or club, but something small and low-key). That's where I met one of the men.

  10. #9
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    Although i am very busy working full time and studying..,.
    At 30 I'm guessing you are either a doctor studying for a specialty, or an MBA/PHD candidate, or maybe a second degree (no need for more info on that - just seeing that as background).

    Maybe it makes you a bit unavailable and scares men off. In which case it is not a permanent problem, because when you complete your studies you'll have more time for you/them, and a relationship.

    That is an attempt to answer the question at the end of your post. That said, I do not think you should change your priorities and goals at all to accommodate the concept of starting a relationship.

    In the meantime ... you can have a look around, and if you have a couple of hours a week to spare there are some things you can do to widen your social circle, because you never know who you'll meet.

    High quality dating apps.

    Even on paid dating apps you get people who just want an over-nighter. I got one on Eharmony once. I guess there are people who want a bit more information, and a bit of quality, before picking a casual sex partner. Which is actually a smart thing to do.

    So you can experiment with that and see what comes along, or you can try doing it the old fashioned way.

    The 20th century method

    I would recommend trying some social/club activities that are not about dating, but about the activity, which should be something you enjoy, and an end in itself.

    You say you like to travel - do you take a lot of photos? If so, maybe try joining a photography club. Do you like cooking? - do a cooking course. Do you like animals? - volunteer for an animal shelter a couple of hours a week. Do you live near a body of water, and like boats? - sign up for some sailing lessons.

    You might not meet anyone you fancy directly, but that casual meet up for drinks, or birthday party, with some club members can bring you into contact with a wider social circle. Actually, sailing tends to involve a couple of beers/wines whatever at clubhouse to my observation, so it's a good one.

    Maybe the right man will pop up where you least expect him to.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Coily's Avatar
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    I half read through the comments, and good advice is popping up.

    My take is that if you use OLD find a relationship oriented one, not a hookup app. Then take a look at your profile, images and content, to see if you would date you. Get out and find friends who know you are single and not wanting to stay that way; but not just a one nighter either.

    That said there are a few red flags I as a recently and shockingly successful OLDater saw with profiles of women that scared me off.
    Tons of pictures with kids or pets; kids self explanatory, the pets side no matter how cute Fido looks I'm not dating your pet.
    Lots of drunk partying pictures, self explanatory
    Too many travel photos; makes an average guy feel like he has to be a jet setter with bottomless pockets

    "I am a well educated, independent, hard working woman who loves to travel and i feel i have a lot to offer in a relationship. So why am i so alone? " Self pity comments in the profile; no one likes this. The "Independent woman" has become almost a meme that most of us guys read that we have very little room in your life; don't take it as guys want a veritable shadow subservient woman, more of we want to be the main course not the parsley garnish.

    Shifting gears, don't let all of your friends' relationship status worry you too much. I speak from long experience, and it ate at me quite a bit (may again); but I started to look at what worked and didn't work in their dynamics; an education on romance as it were.

    Challenge your standards with the men you look at, i.e. look outside your usual type. Many of my married friends ended up with someone who would have been discarded on OLD platforms, even the ones who met through OLD took a chance on someone they didn't think would be a great match.

    Having been single for 15 or so years, it's hard. Very hard. So I understand where you are coming from generally, I changed my approach, my "target audience," and it's paid off. We're pulling for you here at ENA.

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