Wife may have cheated 9 months ago.

[Eyaru]

So essentially, a little over 9 months ago my wife to be got pregnant. We were technically married already but nevermind the details. We recently had our newborn son, but there lies the problem. He doesn't look like me. To be more specific, he looks an awful like my wife's high school friend that was hanging around back then. I figure, if he would randomly pop in while I was home, he might do the same when I was at work.

My intentions are to get a paternity test as soon as my taxes come in which should be in the next week. And in case anyone is wondering my wife has shown to be untrustworthy already and I forgave her and took her back. This was 3 months before she got pregnant.

During her pregnancy the two of us bonded very closely, closer than the more than 2 years we have been together. I love her very deeply and I know for sure she feels the same. But if it does turn out that our kid is not mine what do I do? If I leave her I would be throwing away all of the progress we made towards this moment. But I wouldn't know for sure in my heart that she would stay loyal and faithful to me if an opportunity to cheat ever came along for her again, which it will because she is a magnet for men. But will she say no? I don't know.

Anyone have any advice or thoughts? I don't think I could stomach staying with her and raise another man's son. Not that I'm being selfish and disregarding this newborn, but that It was supposed to be me and her and our family, you know?

[MissCanuck]

During her pregnancy the two of us bonded very closely, closer than the more than 2 years we have been together. I love her very deeply and I know for sure she feels the same. But if it does turn out that our kid is not mine what do I do? If I leave her I would be throwing away all of the progress we made towards this moment. But I wouldn't know for sure in my heart that she would stay loyal and faithful to me if an opportunity to cheat ever came along for her again, which it will because she is a magnet for men. But will she say no? I don't know.

Well, not exactly - that progress would be based on a terrible amount of deception (on her part) and not genuine progress. In my mind, true progress in a relationship comes from a place of mutual respect, trust and transparency. If it turns out the child is not yours, well, you know you didn't have any of those three elements you thought you had. She would be the one throwing away all you thought you were working towards, by not being honest with you to begin with.

All you can do is wait for a DNA result. I would then sit down with a qualified therapist to decide how to proceed. It sounds like your relationship is not that great, if she's already cheated on you once in your two years together, and that you two could benefit from some professional guidance anyway. If the baby is not yours, you are also going to have some very difficult choices to make. I think you'd find it extremely challenging to maintain the semblance of a normal family unit, knowing that she cheated and the child is a product of that. You also might find that the father shows back up and wants to be a part of the little one's life.

In short, I would still encourage you to really take stock of your marriage. There is a relatively recent betrayal, that you know of, and there may have been another. Setting aside the question of paternity for a moment, you two evidently have some serious issues to address.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, although you "bonded during the pregnancy", you still don't trust her. Did she actually cheat in the past?

Are you legally married? Did you sign the birth certificate? You never forgave her and you still don't trust her. how much of this is real and how much is jealousy/paranoia? Very few "married" people ask for paternity tests.

Whether or not the child is yours will not predict if you'll ever trust her or whether she will cheat. All it will do is make you a biological parent or stepparent (unless you signed the birth certificate) and possibly make the child eligible for child support if she can track down her alleged affair partner. Or make you liable for child support when you inevitably divorce.

All in all DNA or not it's doomed because of your lack of trust.

We were technically married already

my wife has shown to be untrustworthy already and I forgave her and took her back. This was 3 months before she got pregnant.

I wouldn't know for sure in my heart that she would stay loyal and faithful to me if an opportunity to cheat ever came along for her again

I don't think I could stomach staying with her and raise another man's son.

[Eyaru]

To be perfectly honest with you I'll probably leave her. Unless I signed the birth certificate while in the hospital I definitely have not done so yet as we have not gotten it yet. So me paying child support may not be a thing. And yes, she did cheat....

[MissCanuck]

I am curious what you mean by "technically" married, too.

Are you in fact married as far as the law is concerned?

[Wiseman2]

Were you forced to "marry" her because of the pregnancy? Was this an arranged marriage? Why would you proceed to "technically marry" someone who cheated and who you suspect is pregnant from another man? See an attorney to see what your options are regarding paternity testing and getting "technically" divorced.

To be perfectly honest with you I'll probably leave her. Unless I signed the birth certificate while in the hospital I definitely have not done so yet as we have not gotten it yet.

[Eyaru]

By "technically married," (which was seriously not intended to be brought up because it's not important as we are legally married now,) I mean that we had a wedding but blotches the licence so we had to wait a little longer.... Don't ask please it's not important. As far as my legal rights go I am married to her yes, but I never signed a birth certificate. As far as I am aware with much research, so as long as I have not proclaimed the kid as mine through signing my name on said piece of paper so as long as I can prove he is not mine via a court ordered DNA test and have the rightful father take the test, "likely by court order," then I'll be fine. It won't be hard to find the guy he lives half a block away... Besides all of this crap will likely be avoid as I do not think she will press on the child support matter... And she probably will end up losing the kid to one thing or another because she has some disabilities and doesn't clean up after herself. Idk, it's all pretty screwed at this point.

[MissCanuck]

It's a rather moot point now, but may I ask why you took her back after she cheated?

What was it about this high-school friend of hers and their interactions that leads you to suspect he might be the father? (apart from the baby's physical appearance, I mean)

[Eyaru]

So when she cheated on me I was in the hospital. Actually we both were in separate cities. She got out first and starting posting all kinds of crap on social media and was with another guy who was trying for her attention for a while leading up to that. I didn't everything I could to prevent that from happening but it did. So for 3 weeks she had pretty much left me for a literal crack head..(no pun, he was really a crack head.) The day before she called me she got beat up by her druggy alcoholic mom and came to me because I HAVE NO IDEA WHY and asked me to take her back, but so refused. A week later I gave her another shot because everything in our life was really bad and I did not try hard enough to pull her away from that bad. Now she is clean as far as I know for a year now and everything is better.

As far as what makes me think she cheated on me again is just the timing, and that this guy was not coming over just to chat. He seemed far too interested in her beyond just a friendly hello and seemed to disregard me which pissed me off. But he stopped popping in right when she got pregnant.... So yeah.

[SherrySher]

Unfortunately, you didn't make any progress. What happened was, you gave her a free pass for cheating on you and becoming pregnant with another man's baby.

Someone who loves you and respects you, won't do those things. I know you so badly want to believe that she loves you the way you love her, but if it were true, you wouldn't be in this mess.

I don't blame you at all if you leave her once the DNA test is done and you find out the baby is not yours. It would be a constant reminder of her infidelity and of the other man.
I know it's possible to raise someone else's child but it makes it ten times harder when it's a baby born out of infidelity.

It is truly heartbreaking as it sounds like you were a good partner and did not deserve this.
This is your wife's fault. She refuses to stop enjoying other mens attentions. And she has no loyalty towards you, at least not 100% loyalty.

You shouldn't have to wait around either to hear about what other man has caught her attentions.

I am sorry you're going through this Eyaru.