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Wife may have cheated 9 months ago.


Eyaru

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So essentially, a little over 9 months ago my wife to be got pregnant. We were technically married already but nevermind the details. We recently had our newborn son, but there lies the problem. He doesn't look like me. To be more specific, he looks an awful like my wife's high school friend that was hanging around back then. I figure, if he would randomly pop in while I was home, he might do the same when I was at work.

 

My intentions are to get a paternity test as soon as my taxes come in which should be in the next week. And in case anyone is wondering my wife has shown to be untrustworthy already and I forgave her and took her back. This was 3 months before she got pregnant.

 

During her pregnancy the two of us bonded very closely, closer than the more than 2 years we have been together. I love her very deeply and I know for sure she feels the same. But if it does turn out that our kid is not mine what do I do? If I leave her I would be throwing away all of the progress we made towards this moment. But I wouldn't know for sure in my heart that she would stay loyal and faithful to me if an opportunity to cheat ever came along for her again, which it will because she is a magnet for men. But will she say no? I don't know.

 

Anyone have any advice or thoughts? I don't think I could stomach staying with her and raise another man's son. Not that I'm being selfish and disregarding this newborn, but that It was supposed to be me and her and our family, you know?

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During her pregnancy the two of us bonded very closely, closer than the more than 2 years we have been together. I love her very deeply and I know for sure she feels the same. But if it does turn out that our kid is not mine what do I do? If I leave her I would be throwing away all of the progress we made towards this moment. But I wouldn't know for sure in my heart that she would stay loyal and faithful to me if an opportunity to cheat ever came along for her again, which it will because she is a magnet for men. But will she say no? I don't know.

 

Well, not exactly - that progress would be based on a terrible amount of deception (on her part) and not genuine progress. In my mind, true progress in a relationship comes from a place of mutual respect, trust and transparency. If it turns out the child is not yours, well, you know you didn't have any of those three elements you thought you had. She would be the one throwing away all you thought you were working towards, by not being honest with you to begin with.

 

All you can do is wait for a DNA result. I would then sit down with a qualified therapist to decide how to proceed. It sounds like your relationship is not that great, if she's already cheated on you once in your two years together, and that you two could benefit from some professional guidance anyway. If the baby is not yours, you are also going to have some very difficult choices to make. I think you'd find it extremely challenging to maintain the semblance of a normal family unit, knowing that she cheated and the child is a product of that. You also might find that the father shows back up and wants to be a part of the little one's life.

 

In short, I would still encourage you to really take stock of your marriage. There is a relatively recent betrayal, that you know of, and there may have been another. Setting aside the question of paternity for a moment, you two evidently have some serious issues to address.

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Unfortunately, although you "bonded during the pregnancy", you still don't trust her. Did she actually cheat in the past?

 

Are you legally married? Did you sign the birth certificate? You never forgave her and you still don't trust her. how much of this is real and how much is jealousy/paranoia? Very few "married" people ask for paternity tests.

 

Whether or not the child is yours will not predict if you'll ever trust her or whether she will cheat. All it will do is make you a biological parent or stepparent (unless you signed the birth certificate) and possibly make the child eligible for child support if she can track down her alleged affair partner. Or make you liable for child support when you inevitably divorce.

 

All in all DNA or not it's doomed because of your lack of trust.

We were technically married already

 

my wife has shown to be untrustworthy already and I forgave her and took her back. This was 3 months before she got pregnant.

 

I wouldn't know for sure in my heart that she would stay loyal and faithful to me if an opportunity to cheat ever came along for her again

 

I don't think I could stomach staying with her and raise another man's son.

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To be perfectly honest with you I'll probably leave her. Unless I signed the birth certificate while in the hospital I definitely have not done so yet as we have not gotten it yet. So me paying child support may not be a thing. And yes, she did cheat....

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Were you forced to "marry" her because of the pregnancy? Was this an arranged marriage? Why would you proceed to "technically marry" someone who cheated and who you suspect is pregnant from another man? See an attorney to see what your options are regarding paternity testing and getting "technically" divorced.

To be perfectly honest with you I'll probably leave her. Unless I signed the birth certificate while in the hospital I definitely have not done so yet as we have not gotten it yet.
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By "technically married," (which was seriously not intended to be brought up because it's not important as we are legally married now,) I mean that we had a wedding but blotches the licence so we had to wait a little longer.... Don't ask please it's not important. As far as my legal rights go I am married to her yes, but I never signed a birth certificate. As far as I am aware with much research, so as long as I have not proclaimed the kid as mine through signing my name on said piece of paper so as long as I can prove he is not mine via a court ordered DNA test and have the rightful father take the test, "likely by court order," then I'll be fine. It won't be hard to find the guy he lives half a block away... Besides all of this crap will likely be avoid as I do not think she will press on the child support matter... And she probably will end up losing the kid to one thing or another because she has some disabilities and doesn't clean up after herself. Idk, it's all pretty screwed at this point.

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So when she cheated on me I was in the hospital. Actually we both were in separate cities. She got out first and starting posting all kinds of crap on social media and was with another guy who was trying for her attention for a while leading up to that. I didn't everything I could to prevent that from happening but it did. So for 3 weeks she had pretty much left me for a literal crack head..(no pun, he was really a crack head.) The day before she called me she got beat up by her druggy alcoholic mom and came to me because I HAVE NO IDEA WHY and asked me to take her back, but so refused. A week later I gave her another shot because everything in our life was really bad and I did not try hard enough to pull her away from that bad. Now she is clean as far as I know for a year now and everything is better.

 

As far as what makes me think she cheated on me again is just the timing, and that this guy was not coming over just to chat. He seemed far too interested in her beyond just a friendly hello and seemed to disregard me which pissed me off. But he stopped popping in right when she got pregnant.... So yeah.

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Unfortunately, you didn't make any progress. What happened was, you gave her a free pass for cheating on you and becoming pregnant with another man's baby.

 

Someone who loves you and respects you, won't do those things. I know you so badly want to believe that she loves you the way you love her, but if it were true, you wouldn't be in this mess.

 

I don't blame you at all if you leave her once the DNA test is done and you find out the baby is not yours. It would be a constant reminder of her infidelity and of the other man.

I know it's possible to raise someone else's child but it makes it ten times harder when it's a baby born out of infidelity.

 

It is truly heartbreaking as it sounds like you were a good partner and did not deserve this.

This is your wife's fault. She refuses to stop enjoying other mens attentions. And she has no loyalty towards you, at least not 100% loyalty.

 

You shouldn't have to wait around either to hear about what other man has caught her attentions.

 

I am sorry you're going through this Eyaru.

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You have nothing but hate, contempt and disparaging remarks about her. Were you forced to marry her? Get divorced or get it annulled or however it works in your country/culture.

for 3 weeks she had pretty much left me for a literal crack head

she called me she got beat up by her druggy alcoholic mom

As far as what makes me think she cheated on me again is just the timing

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Sherrysher, Thank you for your reply. It is much appreciated. It's good to see someone point out everything in a loving manor. Also you pretty pointed out everything I have felt for a long time. I'm very sad to have come to that same conclusion but it's true.. She does not love me the way so love her. At least not the same fullness of love.

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Aren't you jumping the gun a little here? You don't even KNOW if the child is not your's. You're simply guessing and assuming. Not all children look like their parents - my siblings and I all look different and none really look a lot like our parents. "May have cheated" does not mean DID cheat. You really need to take a step back and quit attacking her like this.

Also, how come you haven't signed the birth certificate? As far as I am aware one usually signs soon after birth, or at least within the first two weeks.

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Capricorn3 you are right, I'm just really stressed because our kid really does look just like that guy.... But you're right. I even though I haven't said it I am hoping for a positive test. A lot of people are saying bad things about her only because they don't know her. She wasn't always in the wrong crowd, and being homeless for 3 years got her there. Then I came along and it's been like I have been doctoring her heart and bringing her out of a black hole, with great success mind you. Still there is no excuse for her disloyalty towards me but I gave her another chance for a reason, because I saw something others didn't. I am hoping it's my son foreal so I can just love her for who she is and not who she was or where she was before.

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To be perfectly honest with you I'll probably leave her. Unless I signed the birth certificate while in the hospital I definitely have not done so yet as we have not gotten it yet. So me paying child support may not be a thing. And yes, she did cheat....

 

There's you answer. I'd line up an attorney along with the paternity test and get legal advice about your options and the right steps for each option.

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Sorry for all you're going though.

 

I'm with Capricorn, though, as it sounds like you're jumping the gun pretty hard. Babies, when born, tend to look a lot like...well, babies. Had she not cheated on you once, had she not shown herself to be deeply unstable, it's hard for me to imagine that you'd be as a suspicious as you are based on a high school pal coming round here and there while you, I'm assuming, were really around: being her husband, having sex with her, spending time together, and so on.

 

Your anger toward her is palpable, and understandable. Sounds like you never fully forgave her, and instead of really working through that hard chapter you tried to annihilate it by doubling down on the relationship: getting married, having a kid. That happens. And while her behavior is awful, you have to hold yourself accountable for that part. You did not leave her. You married her and (possibly) had a child with her.

 

So, what to do now?

 

Well, start with the paternity test. If it's not your child—well, there you have it. Lawyer, divorce, and so on. But seems to me there is a pretty high chance the baby is yours, in which case you have to see if your relationship can be salvaged. That's therapy, individual and couples. Whether you stay together or not, if this is your child you want to be able to raise it in a loving manner, not resent it as a reminder of some awful chapter in your life.

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The person I feel bad for in this scenario is the innocent baby that you are already considering abandoning because you think he might not share your DNA.

 

My husband fell in love with our daughter the second he saw her. If he found out tomorrow she wasn't his by blood it might end the relationship with me, but there is no way he would walk out on her.

 

How you can talk to coldly about leaving this innocent baby speaks volumes about the selfishness you and your partner have towards one another.

 

Babies don't always look like their dad. My daughter is my twin and looks nothing like my husband. That doesn't stop him from loving her.

 

You seem to be withholding loving this baby pending the results of this DNA test. In my opinion, if you doubt your partner enough to even consider a paternity test, you have your answer regarding this relationship.

 

As for the baby, I would decide right now if you are willing to be a decent parent or not - paternity test or not.

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Cant change the DNA of a person so this child has a father. Question is.. Are you the father?

I would say first thing is first. Seek counseling. This is tearing you up inside and you are coming up with plans and back up plans and back up to those back up plans and its making you go crazy. So just relax, breathe and go seek counseling.

Then okay, arrange for a DNA test and find out the result before executing your plans.

Then once you find out the results it really comes down to two options (regardless of the result) Do you stay in the marriage or do you leave the marriage? Marriage counseling can help you with this.

I know you have had sleepless nights not knowing and its probably the hardest thing you have been thru. Let calm minds prevail okay. Whats done is done, don't give in to your thoughts and get results, then decide. Good luck to you

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Waiting on the DNA test results now. Could be a few weeks or longer but in the meantime I will say this. If a person continuously shows that they aren't trustworthy than I won't stay with her. This is regardless of whether it's my kid or not. If he isn't my son it's proof she cheated on me again and there is no third chance after that. Otherwise she's acting fishy again lately so we'll see... Not going to put up with criticisms about being a bad parent when I'm being put in a position to choose a cheater and a liar for the child's sake. Mind you I am still hoping it's a positive test result.

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