In love with my teacher.

The first day of sixth form, I walked into my Biology class, sat down and was talking with my friends. I looked up and a new teacher walked in. Let's call him Mr M... Honestly, I don't believe in 'love' at first sight, but I do believe in what I felt at that moment. I felt an instant attraction towards him. I couldn't concentrate on anything he was saying cause I felt shy to even look at him even though he's the teacher and it's normal. I didn't give it much thought as I thought it's just infatuation. But as I got to know him more & more (I won't go into the details cause this will turn into a dissertation) I just fell in love with his personality and everything about him. I loved how much he cared about his pupils & how he didn't like to show that he cares cause he's awkward like that, so he'd hide it with sarcasm. I also loved how much of a gentleman he was, like he was honestly the best example of a gentleman & I realised chivalry isn't dead. He was so funny and the smartest man I had ever met, all the other teachers called him Einstein like I'm not exaggerating. I also really admired how much he cared about his parents and the fact that he took care of them cause they were unwell. I was shocked by how he was able to influence my outlook on so many different topics. He was incredibly wise and knew so much about everything! He used to stay back almost every day until super late & spend hours coming up with extra revision material for us so we have enough support. I can go on for days about why I think he's amazing... (he also wore the most sexy 3 piece suits, just saying...)

So I know that most people will look at the title, read all this and roll their eyes. I know how inappropriate it sounds, but you have to realise that I was 17/18 (not a child) & love does not discriminate! Just cause I was young it does not mean I was not capable of loving someone. The feeling and sensation of love is universal and everyone feels it despite their age, race or gender. I can't control who I have feelings for, the only thing I can control is my actions and I had not done anything wrong. Some people may think, oh she doesnt know anything about him he's just her teacher etc... But... if you think about it, I spent 7 hours, 5 days a week and some Saturdays, for 2 years in this person's presence. I saw him more than I saw my parents! It just wasn't fair that he was EVERYTHING I could have ever wanted in a man...so how could I not fall in love with him...i just wish I had met him a few years later under different circumstances.

As a person, he was so open with us and honest. He told us personal details about himself and was an amazing, caring teacher who invested a lot of his time in us so yes I think I knew him pretty well.

So, this is where it gets depressing...In my final year of A levels, one day during lunch time I saw him in a cafe ( a cafe I used to go to every lunch time for coffee- he and I both were coffee addicts). While waiting for my coffee I was looking out the window & suddenly I see him and another teacher of mine (female teacher) outside in the cafe garden behind a tree & he was moving her hair from her face!!! Honestly...at that moment my heart dropped... I literally stopped breathing for a while. I couldn't believe my eyes. It's crazy cause I was super close to this other teacher of mine & she had told me she had started dating a guy & she said she thought he was the smartest person she ever met (which makes sense). I just never knew it was him...until I saw them together.

Fast forward to end of sixth form (the rest of my time there was dismal and dull I was super depressed when I found out about them so I just kept a low profile). Anyway, I ended up failing biology and chemistry as I could never concentrate in his class and he taught me for both subjects. I was so anxious that he'd be disappointed in me that I didn't even say goodbye to him on results day. I just thought I'll get over all this when I go to uni. But guess what...i still couldn't. During my whole experience in uni, I didn't give anyone a chance cause no one could compare to him. From 18 to 22 (now), it's been four years and not a day goes by that I don't think about him or dream about him. I try to find traces of him online at least once a week but haven't come across anything new apart from what I already knew. It's so bad that I had even got myself into the PGCE course after my degree so I could become a teacher and try to get a job in the same school as him. This is not OK. I haven't seen him in 4 years, yet I can't get him out of my head. So a couple of months ago, I had an epiphany... I realised how stupid I'm being and left the pgce course as I realised I was doing it for the wrong reasons.

Then, last week, a friend of mine got in touch with my other teacher (the one who was dating Mr A) as she taught both me and my friend. After catching up with her, my friend revealed to me that this teacher of mine is now "Mrs M", meaning she married him.... Honestly... this was the hardest blow for me yet. I have already been battling with severe anxiety and depression for the past few years and this just made it ten times worse. I haven't stopped crying or thinking about this ever since I found out. Like I'm glad I decided to not pursue the teaching & try to work at his school even more now, as he is taken. But i can't help feel this deep deep hurt, sadness and jealousy, along with self-hate and guilt for feeling this way. I did not fall in love with him on purpose, I imagine him in every situation. When I think about my future, it's him I see standing next to me. It's not something I do consciously...it's always him and it just doesn't stop. I've given it a lot of thought and I don't know if it's cause I didn't ever really get the chance to get to know him romantically...if I had, maybe it would not have worked out & i would have seen that he's not right for me & could have finally been able to get over him..but I didn't get that chance, so I keep wondering what if....

and that's what I'll do for the rest of my life it looks like. I can't have a normal relationship or feel this way about anyone else. I've dated a couple of people but it didn't work out cause I just couldn't connect with them. I just feel like nobody compares to him and yet I compare every single guy to HIM. I know this probably sounds so irrational to people, but I can't help feel this way. I feel like more and more strongly about him every day. It's not infatuation, I know the difference cause I've felt infatuation for people in the past & got over it in a day. I understand it was probably just infatuation at the start but after two years of knowing him & the amount of time I spent with him, it turned into more than that. I know he's married & I honestly respect that, I feel like he deserves someone as amazing as my other teacher. I just want him to be happy but at the same time this happiness they share... is also the cause of my deep hurt. I know nothing will ever happen with him and I, I just want to stop crying and feeling so sad about it & stop it from affecting my life...it's been 4 years & I can't get over him.

I just don't know how to get my heart to be on the same page as my head. Please help, I'm getting deeper and deeper into this hole of depression and it's affecting every aspect of my life now.

Trust me when I tell you that you don't know him. I only read half your post, to be fair, but I can tell you just from that that you don't know him.

I used to be a teacher and a fairly young one at the time and to college students, so the age gap was not too large for them to have interest but large enough and definitely inappropriate. The thing is, teachers present a very particular image of themselves in the education environment. Of course they are being themselves, but it is still the professional aspect of who they are. Trust me when I tell you that away from work and in his private life, he's a much more 3 dimensional human being with interests and behaviours that you know nothing about and which would likely surprise you and change your opinion of him should you ever see them. You don't know him, you know the 2 dimensional teacher aspect of him.

With time, your feelings will calm down and change. You will mature and this crush will disappear. You cannot change the inappropriateness of the situation and cannot act on it, so you have no option but to let it go. And you will, with time. Many students or people develop interest in someone that performs a caregiver role. Teachers, nurses, coaches, etc. they all help people and have a position of power and a duty of care. Those in their care respond to that care and that is often the driving force behind such crushes. But these roles are actions, they are not those people. Those people have lives outside of their responsibilities which would very likely change your opinion of them if you knew or at the very least make you see them in a more accurate light.

For your sake you need to stop feeding into the fantasy and move on. He's married and your former teacher. The latter fact won't change and the former fact hopefully won't either.

Edit: I read the rest of your post and the above still stands. I will just add that this level off attatchment isn't healthy and I would advise you to seek some professional help from a therapist to get to the bottom of it and to address your depression. I actually feel that your crush is a smoke screen for a much deeper issue that has nothing to do with your former teacher. I don't think you have feelings for him at all, but I think - for whatever reason - you've subconsciously latched onto him or the idea of him. Because you don't understand the driving force behind your interest it has made it difficult for you to let go. So, I suggest seeking help as the best way to understand what is going on. I think you might be surprised at how much easier it will be to move on once you understand the reason for your interest. Good luck!

It normal to have crushes on attractive, teachers, etc. However the real issue you need to address is this. Go to a doctor for a checkup either on campus or ask your parents. Be honest and discuss your depression and this obsession.

I'm getting deeper and deeper into this hole of depression and it's affecting every aspect of my life now.

This is a teenage infatuation turned into obsession. It's very unhealthy. Even when he was your teacher you couldn't pursue him because its illegal for a teacher to get involved with a pupil. You say you want him to be happy and he is. Happily married and will likely have some little Ms running about soon. You need some psychiatric help here because your behavior, getting into the PGCE course just to get near him and stalking his social media is not normal. It's 'fatal attraction' behavior. Its Psychotic. Get some urgent help.

Most schools have an on-campus therapist available to students. Look into this and make an appointment.

I read your whole story and there's a set of things you need to know:

1) Teacher relationships are not the same as normal relationships. A Teacher's role is to grow and support you and in that role the teacher shows up to give. The stage in life you're in when you show up is that you can take what they are giving. This causes people to fall in love faster but if you were in an actual relationship that teacher would also need to take, as it is a give and take relationship. You would then not be as in love with him, even more if you no longer needed to take what he gave. So be aware of people that are in a role to give to you, this could be a masseuse, a doctor, or anything else as that will cause you to fall for them faster.

2) You only got to see the best side of the teacher. Not when he's getting ready for school, standing in his underwear farting without consequence. Not when he's drunk, or missing hitting the toilet, or with bad breath. You got to see him in a suit for 2 years and that has a big effect on you falling in love with him. It's just like internet love where people fall in love with what they see of personality and not the day to day life that everyone goes through.

3) Your love for this teacher would die down normally but you don't let it. You do this by imagining his presence everywhere, and this helps you by avoiding feeling the loss of losing him. At the same time, it prevents you from letting go and no longer being in love with him. While you stay in love with him there is no way a new guy will compare. And it's not just that you're in love, you're in love with the best representation of that teacher and no one in real life can compare to that dressed image of that teacher.

4) All of us age. If you were to look up the father or grandfather of that teacher it is unlikely you'd be able to fall in love and right now that's where this teacher is headed. Every 7 years he'll look older and eventually you won't picture him the same way you do know.

The one action I really recommend you take is to stop picturing him with you. If you do that then eventually you'll start falling out of love.

You seem to recognize now that your obsession with him is not healthy, OP.

I would contact counseling services in your area and discuss this with a professional. Having a teen crush on a teacher is fairly normal, but it's gotten to the point where you're not functioning because of the reality check you've had about him. This where a qualified therapist can help you untangle and understand your emotions, as this is not just about this specific man anymore.

I second what LotusBlack said about how you don't know him - you only know his professional persona, and your massive crush is comparable to that you might have on a rock star. You've spent a lot of time with him purely as a teacher, and it would have been completely inappropriate had it ever gone beyond that. This isn't love, it's infatuation based on a fantasy around your perception of his professional self.

I've been a teacher in the past, and am very aware of the need to keep that professional distance even whilst being caring, supportive and approachable. That has nothing to do with the me who goes out dancing, socialising or whatever. Conversely, the emotionally abusive relationship which brought me here in the first place was with a guy who was very well respected and liked as a teacher. His professional persona was NOTHING LIKE the way he really was in private.

I also agree that this level of attachment to someone who's unattainable is masking a much deeper problem, one which will seriously impact your life if you let it. It's important that you get professional help, but it's also important to realise that this is nothing to do with your teacher. It runs much deeper than that.

Good luck!