My ex is in a new relationship already and I'm going insane

**English isn't my first language, so excuse me any mistakes **

Hello, there! It's my first time posting here. I've just found this forum and my first impressions is that it's an amazing supporting community.

This is a bit of a long story, but I really need to put it out there because I'm going insane. I'd be very grateful if you could help me with some input.

My ex and I had a relationship for about 2 1/2 years. We met through work and we live in different cities - one hour away. When we met he was changing careers paths and facing some family problems. Our first year together was great, but suddenly things started to get complicated. He was working in two jobs including weekends and taking care of his sick mother who was living with him. We were barely seeing each other, but we were still trying to be together - even though we weren't in a fully committed relationship. During the relationship I used to go to his house, I've met his mother and used to talk to his sister on the phone, but he never called me his girlfriend. He always told me that I was the one and it was a matter of time for him to put his life together and finally dedicate himself to us.

However, I wasn’t able to deal with this situation as maturely as I thought I was. I became insecure, demanding, boring and obsessed. I stopped living my life, waiting for him to finally commit to our relationship and make me a priority. Things kept going for a while when one day I was so frustrated with him not giving me enough attention that I wrote an angry letter trying to release all my bad feelings towards him. I remember clearly that I wrote something like “I mean nothing to you”, “you don’t deserve me” and stuff like that. I was crying and typing on my laptop. I didn’t send him the letter, it was just for me to get my frustration out of my system, but it was done – ten days later he finally couldn’t take it anymore and said he needed space. He said he really liked me, but things were different and he was facing too many complications in his life, so he didn’t feel it was fair with me to be waiting for him. I tried to argue a little bit, saying that we were perfect for each other and that we belong together and his response was something like “I don’t know… maybe we do belong together, maybe not… but I can’t deal with that right now”. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it - I was. I felt it coming. And that letter was pure manifestation.

I was heartbroken and missing him immensely, but deep inside I knew it was for the best. I was tired of all the drama and the frustration I was carrying. I was feeling insecure and with low self-esteem. I still loved him deeply, but all my energies were sucked out of me. I was living for trying to get his attention and love, it was exhausting. Deep inside I knew we need a break to make it work in the long future. I needed to work on my self and on my self love.

We broke up in early December. It was a dark month. I cried and cried and cried. I was missing him so much. I couldn’t take it. I was in pain. I started searching for “how to get your ex-back” on Google, because I knew I wanted him back and I found the technique that almost every relationship guru preaches: no-contact rule. Since day one, I didn’t contact him, mostly by pride and ego, but it kind of worked because gave me strength and distance to revaluate my feelings and thoughts. Christmas came and he sent me a Happy Holiday message to which I replied warmly but friendly. New Year came and silence. And I was still crying and missing him daily. And I also started working on my self-love and my self-esteem.

Since our breakup, he have contacted professionally on Hangouts twice (February and March). He talked about work but it was a warm chat with intimacy and inside jokes. When we were together we would never contact me work-wise, so I thought he was trying to reconnect and re-establish contact in a neutral way. And he could have talked to somebody else to get the information he needed, so I REALLY believed we were about to reconnect.

Imagine my surprise when he posted on Instagram a photo with a girl and three red hearts as caption on March 16th. I was in shock, to say the least. My worst fear have come true: he's already dating someone else and to make it even worse, it's a 20-year-old girl! Posting photos on Instagram and showing her and their love to all his family, friends, clients and co-workers, something that he had never done with me.

People who know him can't believe he is acting like this, because it doesn't match his personality. I can't believe a 33-year-old lawyer is dating a 20-year-old girl. She is an administrative assistant at our company and began working at his office last November, so he probably got attracted to her and asked me for a break to be with her.

I feel terrible. I can't believe it is happening to me. After all we've been through, all support I gave him during his tough times - and I know he hasn't overcome all of his problems yet. I feel betrayed.

My terapist says it's for the best and that it probably won't last, but I have to let it go and move on. I even went to a tarot reading (totally in despair) and she said the same thing "it won't last, but you have to move on with your life, specially if you hope to have any success with him in the future". Everybody and probably you will say the same. But I hurting so badly, especially because he seems to be committing to her - posting photos, probably introducing to family and more. He's giving her what I wanted and was hoping to have in the future. I'm terrified that he will marry her!

I am a great woman, also a lawyer, 31 years old. I know I'm attractive, sexy, beautiful and intelligent, but the love of my life prefers a 20-year-old girl who is still in college - she must be a nice girl, she's pretty and all, but I can't stand it! And even worse: I still feel we are perfect for each other. I'm angry, but I still like him and because I think he's my perfect match, I can't let go.

I'm still enduring no-contact and I've blocked him and desativated my Instagram. I'm still dying inside. I'm feeling humiliated, like I meant nothing. I want to scream, run and hide away! I don't know what else to do... I'm meditating, taking Bach flower remedies, going to terapy, but I can't help but imagine them happily together and me forever alone and undeserving of love.

What do you think? Any advice or consideration?

Thank you in advance!

Hey :)

First of all - big hug of support.

Secondly, I’ll just say what helped me (my ex jumped into a relationship 1week after I moved out, after 6,5 years together):

You are not alone! And you are not the one doing anything wrong!

I just felt so immensely alone and broken and stupid, and it took me months to realize that my worth wasn’t really tied to his perception. His choice made him an idiot, not me. And people around you DO see that! I promise you.

I’d advise you to find someone to talk to, that you can make some simple routines with, keep you to them, and that can listen to your tears. It doesn’t have to be a therapist, but it has to be someone that can take it. I set myself some simple goals for each day - eat regular, normal meals, get a good fix of sunlight and exercise each day, and just push him out of my thoughts. I was not ready to deal with anything regarding him, so I just deleted him from everywhere and used different kognitive tactics to not think about him for as much time of the day as I could.

For me it was, and still is, the thought of the two of them that is the worst. I still push those thoughts away as much as I can.

After a while you’ll get used to a new “normal”. For me, it became a sort of struggle to accept that my life was this now. And that I’d survive. And that people might surprise me.

It’s just not easy... It’s a real struggle. Every day and every night for a while. And you’ll live. Like all of us do. And then life suddenly gives you a little bit of sunshine again.

Try to appreciate the little things, they’re not fixing the heartache, but they’re good standing on their own...

You CAN survive. Another hour, another day, another week.

Du er ikke alene ❤️

Hey, Flipp!

Thank you so much for your support! ❤️

I can't even imagine what you've been through. Living together and all. I'm so glad you are in a better place right now. At the beginning it really seems like there's no way out. How long are you separated?

Funny thing is that I've had a boyfriend for 7 years - from 17 to 24 yo. He cheated on me and is stiil with the girl - it was saddening, but at the same time it was a relief, because I didn't like him anymore - just as friends. Now I'm hurting and struggling so much, even though it wasn't as long as my first relationship. The thought of the two of them is the worst part for sure. I can't stand that he's apparently committing to her and I can't help but thinking why it didn't happen to me.

I'm going to a therapist once a week, but I've stop talking to my friends about it. I think it's better this way. I had to deactivated my Instagram because blocking wasn't enough - I was able to unblock him anytime I want and his profile is open, so I'm preventing my self-destructive curiosity by deactivating my account for a few months. It won't hurt either to be away from all the happy posting of other people who seems to have all life figured out while I'm here feeling terrible. Temporary detox from social media to focus on myself.

I'm trying to not think about them, because I believe in law of attraction and energy. Abraham Hicks says that when we long for someone, we are giving our energy away without them even asking for it or giving us theirs in return. On the quantum level, we are not only focusing on the person we want, we are focusing on the ABSENCE of that person in our life. Which is an energy frequency in itself. So the universe says, "okay, if that frequency is what you want to focus on, I'll give you more of it." The trick is to become abundant again and fill ourselves with gratitude instead of feelings of lack. Stop sending our energy in that person's direction so that they can actually notice our absence on a energetic level. Rationally I understand the concept, but it's SO DIFFICULT to control those lack emotions when we are hurt. It's easier said than done.

 

I can't even imagine what you've been through. Living together and all. I'm so glad you are in a better place right now. At the beginning it really seems like there's no way out. How long are you separated?

Thanx. I don't know if I'm in a better place. Or, rather, I know that I'm not as bad off as I was, but I really, really feel that 'm more stuck in the mud than most people. I think I mentally know what to do, I do them, and I know what's real an not ... I KNOW how it should be, but my body/heart (or whatever) is just like "nope". So, I just keep telling my self the right things. Eventually it might stick? We broke up one of the last days of July, so it's been 8 months now.

Funny thing is that I've had a boyfriend for 7 years - from 17 to 24 yo. He cheated on me and is stiil with the girl - it was saddening, but at the same time it was a relief, because I didn't like him anymore - just as friends. Now I'm hurting and struggling so much, even though it wasn't as long as my first relationship. The thought of the two of them is the worst part for sure. I can't stand that he's apparently committing to her and I can't help but thinking why it didn't happen to me.

Well, the mind is a real assh*ole some times, what can you do? I was once tought that the mind reacts to things in a similar way no matter if it's real or not. So the pain of thinking that he's comitting to her in a way he didn't commit to you, is equally painful as if it was true. But you don't know, do you? I spent an unhealthy amount of time thinking about how he would do this or that with HER before I was able to block it off more. I dreamt about him every night for weeks - always the same thing - they beeing mean or condecending towards me. Him telling me I should have known I wasn't good enough etc etc. But I recently found out that he's extremely unhappy in this relatinship, and that everything just went south for him after all this. For the time being he's being a real coward staying with newgirl because she works were he does and he just cannot handle having more people upset with him I think. I don't know what will happen, but my point is, most of my crushed thoughts have been wrong, or not real in so many ways all along, and even so, they've caused me so extremely much pain and suffering. So if we CAN seperate the things we KNOW, and the things we SUSPECT, and try to react accordingly, we might be able to save ourselves some pain... It's not easy though, but if I couldv'e downward spiraled a few lesser times than I did, it would have been great!

I'm trying to not think about them, because I believe in law of attraction and energy. Abraham Hicks says that when we long for someone, we are giving our energy away without them even asking for it or giving us theirs in return. On the quantum level, we are not only focusing on the person we want, we are focusing on the ABSENCE of that person in our life. Which is an energy frequency in itself. So the universe says, "okay, if that frequency is what you want to focus on, I'll give you more of it." The trick is to become abundant again and fill ourselves with gratitude instead of feelings of lack. Stop sending our energy in that person's direction so that they can actually notice our absence on a energetic level. Rationally I understand the concept, but it's SO DIFFICULT to control those lack emotions when we are hurt. It's easier said than done.

Hmm, I've heard about that, but don't know that much about it. I grew up religious, so I might have just written it of like "things that happen in the spirit world". But It makes sense! The past few months I had this extremely wierd feeling that my ex would contact me, and then poof, there he was... We're talking a bit nowadays, but i*m trying to be realistic about it all. The control of energy and emotions is so hard. SO hard...

I wish you all the best.

I don't want to sound mean, but what exactly do you want? A medal? Do you want him to acknowledge your help or how you were a good GF to him? Do you feel like he owes you or you are owed anything? Im listening to you and how you say things like how can this be happening to me? Or how you felt betrayed? Because he is showing off this hot young girl around and not you?

You said "However, I wasn’t able to deal with this situation as maturely as I thought I was. I became insecure, demanding, boring and obsessed. I stopped living my life, waiting for him to finally commit to our relationship and make me a priority". I think your X didn't help out the situation, but at the same time you could have made it hard on him. This has nothing to do with blame or what lead to the break up because that is in the past, you cant change it and just have to accept that the relationship ended. Reason no longer matters.

But that is where you kept hope alive. By staying in contact and seeing him, you had hoped that it would rekindle a flame. Perfectly logical thought and a lot of people pretend to be 'friends' to see if there is any hope of getting back together. So now he is with this 20yr old girl. That means you let him go and you let him live his own life. Even if it doesn't work, doesn't mean you should go back or want him back. He had his chance with you and it didn't work out. Im sorry but its over. The next time you fall in love with someone its going to be with someone new.

One other thing. Love and happiness is not a race. It doesn't matter if he found someone first. He did not win and you did not lose. What matters is your healing, recovery and standing up to find happiness again. You cherish the good memories and don't think about the bad because in time, you will meet someone and make better memories.