What is Your Opinion on Boyfriends Who Ask Their Partner to Change Appearance?

I went on a date a couple weeks ago and got a message from him recently saying that he liked talking to me and that I have a great personality, but my looks are not his type. What he is into is actually how I look 99% of the time, except for the one date we went on. We met online so maybe there were expectations I would do my makeup the same way I did in my pictures. I just didn’t wear makeup on our date.

Overall, is it wrong for a boyfriend to ask their partner to dress or look differently? I had a boyfriend until recently who made comments on multiple occasions that I should wear more revealing clothing and questioned why I wanted to wear certain things.

Sorry this happened. Some people send "not interested" texts like this. Just ignore it and continue dating. Never jump through hoops for someone who turned out to be an ahole by sending something this insulting. Anyone dictating how you should look, what to wear ,etc is a huge red flag.

I went on a date a couple weeks ago and got a message from him recently saying that he liked talking to me and that I have a great personality, but my looks are not his type.

He isn't your boyfriend and you aren't his partner. Not after only a few dates.

Any guy who would tell you that your looks aren't his type is not worth worrying about. His comments show him to be superficial and insensitive.

The next time someone asks you to change your appearance, ask them to change your contact info to "Delete".

Don't let insensitive, ego driven, shallow men define you. Take the attitude that this was just a lost opportunity FOR HIM, certainly not you.

As for your ex. Don't take it personally but DO take into consideration anything you truly feel would be of benefit to your goal of being the best you that you can be. If you feel your style and looks are spot on then screw him and the horse he rode in on.

We met online so maybe there were expectations I would do my makeup the same way I did in my picture

What do you mean "maybe?" Did dude outright tell you to wear makeup? Or was it implied your profile pictures sporting makeup were drastically different than your presentation without it? Of course "you should wear more makeup" isn't an appropriate line for anyone to be throwing out there, but I'd also do some reflecting on whether your pictures accurately represent you, makeup or no. I've seen women thrown off by a dude with a beard who had quite a pudgy baby face beneath it, and I've seen women caked up to the point I got no idea what's going on underneath all that. I think either is a perfectly fine excuse to stop dating someone even if it's a bit socially stunted to make note of it to the person.

Here is my litmus test - when in doubt, reverse genders and play it back.

(While he is wearing a polo shirt) “Hey! You look nice in a polo shirt! You should wear them more often!”

(While he is not wearing a polo shirt) “How come you never wear polo shirts? A polo shirt would be so much nicer”

... but I agree. If this was a first meet, what he’s really (awkwardly) saying is “you don’t look like your pics”. Are all your pics with heavy makeup and/or with filters or taken at a weird angle? Maybe throw up one or two when you are looking more natural.

@Jman: That makes sense. OP: If you looked drastically different than in your profile pics then I agree that it could be a deal breaker for many. Still, don't take it personally. Always have the attitude that its a lost opportunity for them, not you. Always take on constructive criticism not with victimhood but rather something to consider and then dismiss if you don't agree. Never accept controlling behavior which means you need to be able to distinguish a "I like you with more makeup" (said in an non insensitive way) as a suggestion and "Put on more makeup" as a controlling demand.

On Edit: Ha! Just saw that Reddress and I were posting the same thing (basically) at the same time.

If this was a first meet, what he’s really (awkwardly) saying is “you don’t look like your pics”. Are all your pics with heavy makeup and/or with filters or taken at a weird angle? Maybe throw up one or two when you are looking more natural.

Yes, this.

Would you say there is a stark difference between what you posted online and what you actually look like in person?

My first thought, too, was that the OP didn't look like her pics, hence the comments from the date.

But she also posted this:

I had a boyfriend until recently who made comments on multiple occasions that I should wear more revealing clothing and questioned why I wanted to wear certain things.

So this has happened more than once, these guys questioning how she dresses.

Block, delete, go.

What a jerk. A woman should alter her appearance to suit herself, not anyone else.

I had this situation many years ago. I met a man through a print personal ad. I had a cold when we met and looked pale (don't worry, didn't expose him lol!). Then I think we had one more date after that.

He asked me out again for Halloween and he said his mother had offered to take me for a makeover so I could learn how to wear more makeup than I wore. I was shocked and in my defense I was around 27 years old and he was hot. So I told him no, and I was offended and I still went out with him again. Yes, I was tempted to wear 'Halloween" makeup. That was our last date. I saw years later that he married a fashion designer.

I do think it's ok to ask a boyfriend//girlfriend to adhere to a dress code especially if it involves a work event. I offended someone I dated years ago because I asked him not to wear his large pinky ring to a work event at the very conservative place I worked. He came to the event and I don't remember what happened with the ring. I think in general it's a very sensitive subject but physical appearance -no - you either accept it or do not date the person (and certainly give compliments/positive reinforcement if the person dresses in a way that pleases you - that might motivate the person to dress more that way and that's fine!)

got a message from him recently saying that he liked talking to me and that I have a great personality, but my looks are not his type.

 

 

Overall, is it wrong for a boyfriend to ask their partner to dress or look differently? I had a boyfriend until recently who made comments on multiple occasions that I should wear more revealing clothing and questioned why I wanted to wear certain things.

2 different scenarios

First I'm sorry this happened to you, that was very insensitive thing to say to someone... anyone... he could have been more tactful, but hey, that's your cue to move on with this one...

In your previous relationship did he make you feel unattractive? Or would he suggest to wear something that would be more appealing to him ? I think that in long term relationships its okay to suggest things, always tactfully and respectfully.

I do wear thick eyeliner normally and so seeing me without it is different. I’m surprised it would make that much of a difference to someone though. And that he would say something to me about it after one date.

I never knew how to respond to my ex boyfriend when he’d ask why I didn’t dress more provocative. I like the way I dress (which is like Alex Chungs style) and wasn’t sure whether I should be considering his opinion about this or whether it was fair of me to say “well I like what I wear”.

I do wear thick eyeliner normally and so seeing me without it is different. I’m surprised it would make that much of a difference to someone though. And that he would say something to me about it after one date.

 

I never knew how to respond to my ex boyfriend when he’d ask why I didn’t dress more provocative. I like the way I dress (which is like Alex Chungs style) and wasn’t sure whether I should be considering his opinion about this or whether it was fair of me to say “well I like what I wear”.

I think it's nice to say politely and firmly "thanks for your input. How about if I want input on how I dress I'll ask you ok? I'm happy with the way I dress."

If he doesn't like how you look, then it is his loss. Move on.

Your boyfriend should not tell, it can sound controlling.

But this is a relationship forum. What are some of you ladies thinking? - of course you should wear makeup on your date. That's when you wear it.

Your boyfriend should not tell, it can sound controlling.

 

But this is a relationship forum. What are some of you ladies thinking? - of course you should wear makeup on your date. That's when you wear it.

The point of wearing make-up is to enhance your features, not completely alter your entire look!

The key to applying it correctly is such that no one should even know you're wearing it; if you're wearing black eyeliner so thick your bf wouldn't recognize you without it, or it affects your appearance such that he's not attracted to you without it, you are wearing too much!

In my experience, men don't care for loads of makeup, a bit to enhance your looks, looks he's attracted to regardless of how much makeup you wear.

Any man who suggests you need more or to wear more, or to change any part of your natural appearance, is NOT a man you want to be with.

Literally all my boyfriends thought I look sexiest in the morn when I wake up, a little groggy, hair disheveled and wearing no makeup at all!!

My current bf loves taking photos of me like that, he thinks I look incredibly sexy.

My other boyfriends felt same.

Learn to feel comfortable in your own skin and never allow a man to dictate to you how to dress or how much make up to wear -- be you, enjoy you, accept you, love you.

I agree this is a separate issue with your recent date. The issue was you didn't come to the date matching the image you portrayed online. I understand we all try to look our best when putting ourselves out there, but representing an accurrate depiction begets better outcomes. Perhaps he thought you looked drastically different without all of that makeup on, or perhaps he was let down that you didn't put in enough effort on your appearance for the date than you let on (well groomed, well dressed, wore makeup regularly, look accurate to your photos, etc).

Now your previous bf sounds controlling. We should feel free to dress how we want and express ourselves in healthy ways. Whether that means you like to be anywhere in the range of "natural" to "beating yo face with paint" makeup. At least show all of your different looks while online dating. Thus, I don't see the same case here. While you didn't intend for it, the guy obviously felt this was a bait and switch. That's bound to turn many off, regardless of personality. No one likes to feel duped. Heck, I feel disappointed if guys come into a date with discheveled beards, when all of their photos have them well groomed.

Hence I believe you should put forth some pictures of yourself with less makeup on as well. No filters, no working the angles. As a woman myself, I tend to have a mix. I am fairly skilled with makeup, but put forth pictures with natural and more "artistic" makeup, which looks more natural to heavier users. Regardless, I aim for diversity in order to not misrepresent myself. We can't always be wearing makeup all of the time.

I do wear thick eyeliner normally and so seeing me without it is different. I’m surprised it would make that much of a difference to someone though. And that he would say something to me about it after one date.

Somewhere along the line this guy may have picked up that giving people a reason why you don't want to see them again is a good idea. And he took it literally. I'd consider it a great screening device, because would you really want a second date with someone who is dense enough to say that?

I'd make a point of posting pics that are consistent with how I will look when I meet them. Do cosmetics make that much of a difference in the scheme of things? Not in the larger context of a relationship, but for first impressions, I'd say possibly. Some people look completely different with full makeup, while others wear no more than a barely-there look. It just doesn't make much sense to post representations of yourself that are not accurate--it's probably the number one complaint I've heard about online dating.

I never knew how to respond to my ex boyfriend when he’d ask why I didn’t dress more provocative. I like the way I dress (which is like Alex Chungs style) and wasn’t sure whether I should be considering his opinion about this or whether it was fair of me to say “well I like what I wear”.

Well, it could factor in to why he's an ex. Superficiality isn't a crime, but it's not a good match with anyone who finds it ridiculous. Those are two extremes, and most people fall somewhere in the middle. Nobody here can tell you a 'should' in this regard, because we each have a different take on dressing to please a partner. While I would enjoy doing it in the context of a relationship where I felt secure and loved despite it, I would thoroughly object it if I believed that the relationship depended on it--and I'd encourage the guy to go find someone who wants to be his Barbie doll. Context can mean everything.

What he actually stated was a variation of "no attraction". Period. Has nothing to do with pictures or makeup or clothes. That's what first meets and online dating is all about. Meeting in person to determine interest/chemistry.

That's why there are a lot more one-and-done than second dates. Everyone has a right to have certain tastes, types whatever. If you're not "his type", then you simply move on. Period. No need to analyze. If the raw chemistry/attraction is there, it doesn't matter if you show up in a paper bag.

I do wear thick eyeliner normally and so seeing me without it is different. I’m surprised it would make that much of a difference to someone though. And that he would say something to me about it after one date.

What he actually stated was a variation of "no attraction". Period. Has nothing to do with pictures or makeup or clothes. That's what first meets and online dating is all about. Meeting in person to determine interest/chemistry.

 

That's why there are a lot more one-and-done than second dates. Everyone has a right to have certain tastes, types whatever. If you're not "his type", then you simply move on. Period. No need to analyze. If the raw chemistry/attraction is there, it doesn't matter if you show up in a paper bag.

Yes, he didn't feel attraction/chemistry and that's it. It has nothing to do with wearing eyeliner in the date or not. I find a bit tasteless to express the reason being clothes or makeup. I find it better to just say "I liked meeting you but I don't see this going forward". At the beginning of dating it's very rude to make comments about a date's personal style and appearance, instead of simply ending it if they don't like it. Even at a relationship, your ex was rude in the way he commented your style. Anyway the result is the same: the attraction/chemistry was not there for him.

At this stage you shouldn't be jumping hoops trying to please people you barely know. It's time to just access if there's chemistry/attraction, dealbreakers and such and decide to go further or make it a one and done date and move on.