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Thread: Grieving or not interested anymore?

  1. #1

    Grieving or not interested anymore?

    I've been dating this guy for the last 2 months. We both agreed that we were not casually dating but have not yet called it a relationship so I guess it's somewhere in between. Things have been going well until his friend passed away earlier this week. In my attempt to comfort him I accidentally said something that made things worse - in short it was a case of choosing the wrong word and a massive misunderstanding, which I apologised for immediately. So that was the beginning of his withdrawal.

    Later on that night I sent him another apology by text, no response. A day later I tried reaching out again, he finally replied and said "don't worry about it, it happens." I've left him alone since and we didn't speak all week. I still felt terrible so I sent him a care package yesterday without telling him, he was very surprised and grateful. I know that he's grieving and the last thing I want to do is get in the way, so I've decided at this point to just be passive, give him all the space and time and wait for him to contact me when he's ready to.

    My question is what are the chances that he's simply not interested in me anymore and I should just move on? How long should I give it before I try to talk to him about it, and if I should bring it up at all? I'm usually someone who would ask the question just to get some closure but I understand that this situation is a little more delicate. Any advice would be appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. What did you say that came off wrong? Dating 8 weeks is not enough of an investment to put that first when something like this hits. So in a way it's both grieving and not that much invested.

    Leave him alone. You're a stranger and he would rather be with understanding friends and family right now than entertain your texts or a dating situation. Respect his situation and stop contacting him. And most of all, stop inflicting your form of "support" on him. Stop making him "talk about it".
    Originally Posted by Leila1990
    I've been dating this guy for the last 2 months.
    Things have been going well until his friend passed away earlier this week. In my attempt to comfort him I accidentally said something that made things worse

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Leila1990
    I've been dating this guy for the last 2 months. We both agreed that we were not casually dating but have not yet called it a relationship so I guess it's somewhere in between. Things have been going well until his friend passed away earlier this week. In my attempt to comfort him I accidentally said something that made things worse - in short it was a case of choosing the wrong word and a massive misunderstanding, which I apologised for immediately. So that was the beginning of his withdrawal.
    What did you say?

  4. #4
    Thanks, I think I needed to hear that. I said "such a waste" when what I really meant was "it's such a shame someone so young and with so much potential died before they got to experience more". Massive face palm moment but I would've never meant it in a disrespectful way so I can only hope he could see that. I don't regret sending the care pack, I feel like I've done my best to fix the blunder and I don't need to feel bad anymore.

    I wasn't going to make him "talk about it", I was just wondering if I should ask him if he still wanted to see me, but I suppose if he's silent for the next few weeks that would be my answer.

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  6. #5
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    Emotions are heightened in the aftermath of losing a loved on. I speak from experience on that.

    I lost an ex-boyfriend to a tragic accident many years ago now, and some people said things I took poorly even if they didn't mean them that way. It took me time to look back and see that folks often simply don't know what to say to the bereaved, and words sometimes come out less sensitively than they intended

    Given that you don't know this man all that well, I don't think there's more you can or should do at the moment. He is processing the loss in his own way and his priorities are elsewhere right now. He knows you care, and he knows how to reach you. I would leave him be, as the coming few weeks are sure to be full of raw emotions for him. You will hear from him if he's still interested.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think you've done all you can and anything more coming from you is going to appear to be self interest rather then genuinely caring. I would imagine that dating is the last thing on his mind right now but once he gets past the initial grief and is interested in living his own life again, he'll remember how you cared about his well being (the care package) and he'll call you.

    In the meantime, don't put yourself on hold. You live your life as if you were casually dating him (which you were) and that if he never calls you again, well that is the life of the dating. They come an they go until you find one that doesn't.

    Good luck, hopefully its just a blip in the scheme of things.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I doubt that most people would be up for dating while in the shock of new grief, so of course he's not interested at the moment. I don't believe that what you said was a tremendous whopper, and I doubt that he's likely to remember it over time. I'd give him the space to grieve as he wishes, and if he's up for dating again in the future you may hear from him.

    Head high, this isn't about you.

  9. #8
    UPDATE: thanks for advice you guys, really appreciate it.

    In the last 3 days he's initiated two conversations with me, albeit VERY short conversations. I've just been passive and responded like normal, stopping when it looked like he wasn't going to continue. We didn't talk about his friend, it was more so a casual conversation about this fitness program he convinced me to join and he wanted to know how I was going with it.

    I don't want to read too much into it but it's really difficult to get someone out of your mind when they constantly resurface.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Leila1990
    UPDATE: thanks for advice you guys, really appreciate it.

    In the last 3 days he's initiated two conversations with me, albeit VERY short conversations. I've just been passive and responded like normal, stopping when it looked like he wasn't going to continue. We didn't talk about his friend, it was more so a casual conversation about this fitness program he convinced me to join and he wanted to know how I was going with it.

    I don't want to read too much into it but it's really difficult to get someone out of your mind when they constantly resurface.
    He's grieving but he's keeping in touch. Like I said, he'll probably contact you again when he's starting to feel like living his life again.

    You can certainly NOT put yourself on hold and date others while he comes to terms with his friends death.

  11. 08-12-2019, 04:13 AM


  12. #10
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    Originally Posted by KamCheaph
    interesting explanation about the video being old... youd hope shes not in on a scam and truly thinks its her son, otherwise its a bit off colour isnt it?
    What does this mean? What son? What video?

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