Should I give up hope?

This is a bit of a long story, but I really need to put it out there because I'm going insane.

There's this guy (I'll call him Jack) I went out with for a brief time who I can't seem to get over. We met in eighth grade and both liked each other on and off throughout high school, without the other knowing. Things never fell into place and we both graduated dating other people.

A couple years after graduating we matched on a dating app. I never took anything seriously on those apps, but from there we started talking and we found out that we both had feelings for each other at one point or another without knowing. Right away he asked if he could take me out and I said yes. Our first date was perfect, and I knew that if I wasn't careful I'd start to fall fast, and I did. We kept seeing each other for the next month or so and he would do all these little things that made me believe he really liked me. He would plan dates according to what he knew I liked, he would pick me up after my work and drive me home even though it was only a 10 minute walk so I wouldn't have to walk alone in the dark, and he'd listen to me whenever I needed to talk about something that was bothering me. There was a lot of stuff going on with my family at the time, and whenever I was upset he would come pick me up and take me out for ice cream or just a drive around blasting Whitney Houston to cheer me up

I thought that things were pretty settled after a month, so when I left to visit family in the Philippines and he left to visit family in England for the summer, I thought that I'd be coming back to a potential relationship. But this is not what happened.

When I got back he told me that his cousin made him realize that he had made the transition from high school to post secondary in a relationship, and that because of this he hadn't had a chance to figure out who he is outside of that relationship or outside of high school. His ex cheated on him, and it had only been about 4 months after they broke up when we started going out. I told him I understood that he probably shouldn't jump back into another relationship, and we parted ways.

It has been a couple years and since then, and I've gone out with a couple guys but nothing has stuck. Recently I went out with this guy who was really great; he was nice to me and did everything right, but for some reason I couldn't find any feelings for him outside of friendship. While I was seeing him though, I found myself comparing him to Jack and I know that's a terrible thing to do, but I just couldn't help it.

I'm worried that Jack has set the bar so high that it'll be impossible to find someone else. But also I realized that a part of me is still holding out hope that some day Jack will come back into my life when he's ready for a relationship, and that we'll finally have a chance to give it a go. I find myself missing the little things he used to do and the way he made me feel. I've been trying to find those things in the other guys I've gone out with, but so far no one has hit the mark. At this point part of me wants to just wait around and see if he'll come back into my life some day, but the rest of me is terrified that my hope is all for nothing.

Stop wasting your life. Reach out to the guy so that you can get your answer.

This is a bit of a long story, but I really need to put it out there because I'm going insane.

There's this guy (I'll call him Jack) I went out with for a brief time who I can't seem to get over. We met in eighth grade and both liked each other on and off throughout high school, without the other knowing. Things never fell into place and we both graduated dating other people.

 

A couple years after graduating we matched on a dating app. I never took anything seriously on those apps, but from there we started talking and we found out that we both had feelings for each other at one point or another without knowing. Right away he asked if he could take me out and I said yes. Our first date was perfect, and I knew that if I wasn't careful I'd start to fall fast, and I did. We kept seeing each other for the next month or so and he would do all these little things that made me believe he really liked me. He would plan dates according to what he knew I liked, he would pick me up after my work and drive me home even though it was only a 10 minute walk so I wouldn't have to walk alone in the dark, and he'd listen to me whenever I needed to talk about something that was bothering me. There was a lot of stuff going on with my family at the time, and whenever I was upset he would come pick me up and take me out for ice cream or just a drive around blasting Whitney Houston to cheer me up

 

I thought that things were pretty settled after a month, so when I left to visit family in the Philippines and he left to visit family in England for the summer, I thought that I'd be coming back to a potential relationship. But this is not what happened.

 

When I got back he told me that his cousin made him realize that he had made the transition from high school to post secondary in a relationship, and that because of this he hadn't had a chance to figure out who he is outside of that relationship or outside of high school. His ex cheated on him, and it had only been about 4 months after they broke up when we started going out. I told him I understood that he probably shouldn't jump back into another relationship, and we parted ways.

 

It has been a couple years and since then, and I've gone out with a couple guys but nothing has stuck. Recently I went out with this guy who was really great; he was nice to me and did everything right, but for some reason I couldn't find any feelings for him outside of friendship. While I was seeing him though, I found myself comparing him to Jack and I know that's a terrible thing to do, but I just couldn't help it.

 

I'm worried that Jack has set the bar so high that it'll be impossible to find someone else. But also I realized that a part of me is still holding out hope that some day Jack will come back into my life when he's ready for a relationship, and that we'll finally have a chance to give it a go. I find myself missing the little things he used to do and the way he made me feel. I've been trying to find those things in the other guys I've gone out with, but so far no one has hit the mark. At this point part of me wants to just wait around and see if he'll come back into my life some day, but the rest of me is terrified that my hope is all for nothing.

Do you still have his number? Give him a call and speak with him. Have a catch up as friends. For all you know, you’re holding out hope he’ll get back in touch and he may already be settled into a long term relationship or be married with 2.5 kids by now. On the other hand, he might have gone through the same scenarios you have. You’ll never know unless you reach out though.

A lot can happen in two years and he may be a completely different person to the one you remember.

You have this perfect image of him built up in your mind but the reality may be very different, and finding that out might help you move on too if that’s what you ultimately need to do. Be prepared for the likelihood that he has and it will lessen the blow.

He didn't want you, so why keep on? I am not trying to be harsh, I am being realistic.

You made this huge fantasy up in your head and it's just not reality and you seen to keep glossing over a very large fact, if he felt at all about you like you did him, he wouldn't have told you, thanks but no thanks.

You didn't spend enough time with him to see all side, you only seen the good sides and have now made it up that he is somehow perfection.

That's not true.

You really need to let this rest now.

I think if I am being honest with you, while you were so called falling in love, when he finally stepped back, he realized that he wasn't into things like you were and more than likely spoke to his cousin about it who told him to let you down easy and came up with the excuse that he needed time on his own.

It's done now.

Time to move on and time to give other guys a fair chance because "Mr. Perfect" didn't want you.

I agree with Sherry:

I'll add that you are OCD thinking on this guy instead of closing the door on him. Until you stop making your thoughts of him your best friend, you are never going to find a guy that rings your chimes like you say he did. If you think logically rather that ideally about him you will realize that if he wanted to be with you, he would have contacted you by now so close the door on him and get on with your life without him renting space in your head for free. Saying it straight up: It appears that he's not pining away for you like you are for him so don't let him keep you mired emotionally to him like you have been.

Unfortunately, I think the only way she will move on is if she contacts him. She has built up a huge fantasy in her head, and after only a month of dating..

Unfortunately, I think the only way she will move on is if she contacts him. She has built up a huge fantasy in her head, and after only a month of dating..

Exactly my thoughts. Two years is a long time to have spent hung up on someone to just suddenly make a decision to move on without the closure she so desperately feels she needs.

I think reaching out with no expectations is the only way... as long as she’s aware that there’s likely zero chance of the perfect outcome she craves.

OP, you have to remember, he decided to give up on a good thing based on a chat with his cousin... who does that? If I was with someone I saw as being exceptionally special, there’s no way I’d let any third party opinions make me perform that sort of u-turn. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had his head turned whilst perhaps out with his cousin and friends over the holidays and decided the committed relationship wasn’t what he was looking for so soon after his break-up. But I’m speculating wildly so could be completely wrong.

You clearly need to get it out of your system though and the only person who has the potential to offer closure is him. Just try not to get your hopes up.

You can't get together again with Jack, he's not interested.

It takes time to get over a breakup. Keep dating other guys. Eventually you'll meet another man who makes you feel like Jack did.

Unfortunately, I think the only way she will move on is if she contacts him. She has built up a huge fantasy in her head, and after only a month of dating..

She will probably contact him anyway which is what she wants to do even if we advise that she doesn't. Its human nature to give into our curiosity. Unfortunately if she calls him and things start up again, she'll never have the satisfaction of knowing that he cared for her enough to want to reach out to her and be with her.

OP: You will experience so much more bliss if it were him that reached out to you which would tell you that he was actually thinking of you.

After two years of no contact? Let logic and not curiosity rule you.

You can't get together again with Jack, he's not interested.

 

It takes time to get over a breakup. Keep dating other guys. Eventually you'll meet another man who makes you feel like Jack did.

They only dated a month.

Thanks for all the input, honestly I know I'm pretty delusional with the entire thing so I wrote my original post searching for a reality check, which is what I got, so thank you.

I'm not an idiot, I know not to reach out to him because if he hasn't reached out it means he's not interested so obviously it's not going to happen.

I've realized over the past couple years that I tend to reach for those memories when I'm feeling insecure, because regardless of how he felt about me, he made me feel really good about myself. I think more than anything I'm hung up on those feelings.

My dad died recently, and I haven't been taking it very well which I think is part of why I think I've been revisiting those memories. Thinking about those memories reminds me of a time when I was happier, and it helps me get through the most impossible time of my life because it's like a quick escape. Again, I know it's delusional behaviour, but for now it's easier than facing the reality that my support system is gone. My dad is usually the person I would talk to about all of this, but since he's gone I didn't know what to do so I thought I'd post here.

Again, thank you for all the input everyone

I'm sorry about your father. Do you have any friends you can reach out to? Have you considered a bereavement group?

 

I'm not an idiot, I know not to reach out to him because if he hasn't reached out it means he's not interested so obviously it's not going to happen.

I'm sorry you're grieving the loss of your dad. I've had to go through that as well and its hard but with time, it won't be as debilitating. I think you'll find that posting here and helping others may just help you to process your grief. Maybe give it a try???

Best wishes.

It makes more sense now.

I am so sorry for your loss. I truly am. I understand what you mean about wanting to re-visit memories that brought you good feelings when you're in the midst of losing someone you loved very much.

The grieving process can be tough.

I hope you have friends and family that will help and support you through this time in your life.

As for your ex, I know in your logical state of mind, you know that he is gone. But don't let it hold you back. You can find someone who truly does love you and genuinely wants to be with you and be good to you. You just need to stop being scared to open that door again.

Write here anytime you need to, whether it be about relationship issues, going through the loss of your Dad or anything else.

We're here to listen and help when we can.

Here is another thread that hopefully will be helpful at some point.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=476469&highlight=talking+deceased