I’m hurting, can you relate?

I was in relationship “so I thought” with a guy for a over a year. He has two children and I have none. We are both 29. He was always sketchy but I just got out of an abusive relationship and wasn’t pressuring him into committing right away. After 5 months of casual dating he ask for exclusivity and I agreed. I’ve fallen for him and don’t understand why because he was never that good to me. After we got official, He’ll talk to me every 3 days and I would get upset and lash out. It went on for over a year. I was always crying, felt neglected. He has small children with his ex so I gave him his time to do his thing but wanted him to put more effort into our relationship. During the last month we were together his ex messaged me on social media and said they were living together. I was embarrassed and heartbroken. I broke up with him and he blocked me because I told his ex all the awful things he said about her. I was mad because of his betrayal. I felt into deep depression because I was hurt. Turns out he had two apartments living a double life. He denies being with her and says he has spent the night but don’t live with her but of course I didn’t believe him. I’m embarrassed to say that I still wanted to be with him. After two weeks I started calling him, text him several times and he’ll ignore me. He always plays victim whenever he’s caught. We eventually made up but things were still bad. He says he wants to be with me, sleep with me, and ignore me. My self esteem has gotten low. I don’t know how to get out of it. Now two months later, my obsession has gotten worst. I’ll see him once every two weeks and he’ll ignore me and I’ll start calling crazy. He’ll ignore me 90% of the time and blame it on me stressing him out. I cry every single day because every time he ignores me I’m thinking he is with his kids mother and it drives me crazy. I pray a lot and going through therapy. I’m so lost and don’t want to love him anymore but i can’t. I let him play me over and over and get hurt every time. Has anyone gone through this??? I know I’m at fault too but I want to stop badly.

You went from an abusive relationship directly into this. You need to be alone, so that you can process your break ups, and understand why you stay with, and chose crappy men. You are ignore a lot of red flags.

Stop contacting him. Block and delete him. You are really disrespecting yourself by reaching out to him. He is with someone else. This man does not care about, like or respect you, but you know this.

I watched my best friend literally waste her life with a man who treated her like s**t and was married to someone else.

She was in her early 30s when the affair began. Didn't last long as he got bored of her and had other girls on the side.

She would be on and off with this guy for 15 years like that!. He treated her like crap, play mind games with her and yet she stayed... she was obsessed with him. Had no self respect. I guess she thought she didnt deserve someone who loved her. I tried to help her, advice her, I listened to her on multiple occasions tell me the horrible things he would do and say to her, she would not listed to me and leave the guy, at one point our relationship got strained.

My friend and I are close again, she is 49. Never got married or had kids and she wanted a family.

The guy finally got rid of her for a younger mistress

Love yourself, leave this situation, get counseling soon!!

You are a mother and need to be a good example for your kid.

Wish you good luck

You say that you are in therapy, I hope that you will explore with your therapist the possibility that you are suffering from love addiction. People who have this are not so much obsessed with a person as they are obsessed with winning over the approval and attention of a person who gives it reluctantly or inconsistently. They feel more comfortable being in stressed, messed up relationships because you are used to not being unconditionally and fully loved, it is likely people who suffer from this had a parent that either withheld love, approval and affection or used it as a reward where the child had to earn their parents' love, approval and affection. So, you end up becoming a person who doesn't feel excited by love that is given without you having to earn it or pay dues in some way by putting up with poor treatment to win the reward of love from the object of your obsession. People in this situation also have a very hard time committing to either staying or going, they prefer being stuck in the flux of indecision. They are drama junkies in this way.

I pray a lot and going through therapy.

What is your therapist advising you to do to help you to rehab from your addiction to this man? It IS an addiction and he is your drug of choice. Zero contact, cold turkey withdrawl is the only way you're going to rehab from the likes of him.

She suggest Cutting him off completely. I tried and somehow always ending unblocking. I’m mad at myself

She suggest Cutting him off completely. I tried and somehow always ending unblocking. I’m mad at myself

You need to block and delete him and come here and vent if you are having obsessive thoughts of taking another hit and contacting him. We will help you with your cold turkey withdrawl. In the meantime keep going to therapy and learning why it is you have so little love of yourself that you long for an A-Hole who uses you for side-piece sex.

You would do well to google "Nurturing your inner child" as I am going to take a guess and say that you didn't have a very good childhood with loving parents.

Don't.Contact.Him.Again!

She suggest Cutting him off completely. I tried and somehow always ending unblocking. I’m mad at myself

Keep trying! Lose his number. Change yours...it's worth in the end... don't stop therapy... love yourself

Thank you, thanks for the advice

Thank you for listening/ replying. Starting today I’ll try 2x harder

Continue therapy (that's great) and focus on building your life without him: invest on your career, friendships you neglected with this, family, etc.

In your case since your addiction to him is so hard to beat, I think you would benefit from marking the No Contact days in the beginning and set up a reward (it can be eating something you like or whatever reward of your choice that makes you feel good) for every week you manage to not contact him. This makes you have an idea of your progress and feel good about it. I'd stop counting after a while though, like a month or something.

Also in your case you have to block and delete him in every way possible so you don't have a chance to contact him.

Write on ENA when you have temptations to contact him, vent, call a friend, do whatever it takes to avoid contacting him or even looking at his social media.

You'll see that once you beat this addiction your life will be much better. You cycle of abuse ends now.

Unfortunately, you're not ready to date. You need to deal with the prior abusive relationship rather than jump from one to another never stopping to learn about what abusive relationships are about and look like.

I just got out of an abusive relationship

 

he was never that good to me.

 

I felt into deep depression because I was hurt.

This guy doesn't care about you. You are his puppet on a string. He is abusing you and you are letting him. He knows exactly how to draw you in. I don't believe you will try harder to break away. I don't believe you have any intention of leaving him.