Handing social situations and any other crossover after breakup...

Hi, all-

So, the breakup was a really long time coming but neither of us wanted to let go of the relationship because it would also mean letting go of our amazing friendship. Right now we are recently in NC but she is friends with some of my closest friends on FB (in spite of my NOT wanting that to happen). We are also part of a friend group that is getting together in a week (they were my friends first but it gets confusing because her best friend is also in that group) and we typically do a spin class together on Monday (me, the ex and the ex’s best friend).

Naturally, I want her to delete my close friends on FB. Should I break NC to say that? Our “mutual friends” clearly will remain friends with both of us but I think I might just back off and let her be social with them.

Regarding the gym, the class is taught by someone I really like as a friend and an instructor and originally I had thought to stop going but I don’t want to give up everything I have been doing.

Any thoughts about this? Our NC is not black and white. We decided we would text to decide about the social get together next week and so I figure we will chat about it at some point and then go NC for real. I typically just take myself out of all awkward situations but I don’t think I should have to give all of the things up that I was part of first.

Any thoughts or advice?

Thanks!

I think that as long as continue to see her, you're not going to be able to heal. I mean that.

Let her be friends with the common friends and don't go out with anyone if she is a part of the group. Get another spin instructor. It might feel awkward at first, but I think it would be in your best interest.

The NC should be black and white. No contact means no contact, physically, verbally, spiritually, or mentally. You have no right to ask her to delete your friends on facebook. I know you don't want to have to give up things or make sacrifices, but unless you do, you won't get over this relationship and be in a good place to find someone else.

I think that as long as continue to see her, you're not going to be able to heal. I mean that.

 

Let her be friends with the common friends and don't go out with anyone if she is a part of the group. Get another spin instructor. It might feel awkward at first, but I think it would be in your best interest.

 

The NC should be black and white. No contact means no contact, physically, verbally, spiritually, or mentally. You have no right to ask her to delete your friends on facebook. I know you don't want to have to give up things or make sacrifices, but unless you do, you won't get over this relationship and be in a good place to find someone else.

But don’t you think if she is FB friends with my best friend on FB that that would be awkward? They will know when she is posting pics with her new girlfriend, etc. If NC is black and white, I feel like that should be too.

If you want your contact to be black and white you hide your exes posts on FB or block so there is no "arkwardness".

Trying to control your ex's behaviour is only going to delay your healing. Her life, behaviour, friendships are no longer any of your business.

Tell your friends you don't wish to be informed of her activities, whereabouts and love life if they see it on FB and to please not invite you to the same get togethers until you notify them you are sufficiently healed to handle it.

If you want your contact to be black and white you hide your exes posts on FB or block so there is no "arkwardness".

 

Trying to control your ex's behaviour is only going to delay your healing. Her life, behaviour, friendships are no longer any of your business.

 

Tell your friends you don't wish to be informed of her activities, whereabouts and love life if they see it on FB and to please not invite you to the same get togethers until you notify them you are sufficiently healed to handle it.

She isn’t my FB friend actually. That is why I didn’t think she should add my friends but she did anyway. But yes, I can tell them that I don’t want to know what she is doing. Thanks.

I think you overlooked the point. If you can see what she is doing on FB you are not NC. Change whatever settings you need to, block etc in order to alter that. It will only punch you in the gut when you see a post of hers when you think you are in a good place and least expect it.

The less she is on your mind the more you can focus on yourself and living your best new life. Removing all traces of her gives you less stimulus in respect to her and quicker healing and growth.

She isn’t my FB friend actually. That is why I didn’t think she should add my friends but she did anyway. But yes, I can tell them that I don’t want to know what she is doing. Thanks.

Good grief. As Thornz said, what she does now is none of your concern. Why not lay off of facebook for a while or do as Thornz suggested and block her comments. You don't seem to want to heal.

I think you overlooked the point. If you can see what she is doing on FB you are not NC. Change whatever settings you need to, block etc in order to alter that. It will only punch you in the gut when you see a post of hers when you think you are in a good place and least expect it.

 

The less she is on your mind the more you can focus on yourself and living your best new life. Removing all traces of her gives you less stimulus in respect to her and quicker healing and growth.

Thornz, you aren’t hearing what I am saying. She is NOT my Facebook friend...

Good grief. As Thornz said, what she does now is none of your concern. Why not lay off of facebook for a while or do as Thornz suggested and block her comments. You don't seem to want to heal.

Are either of you reading what I am saying?? She is NOT my FB friend!

I said to block her comments. One doesn't have to be a friend for you to see her comments.

I said to block her comments. One doesn't have to be a friend for you to see her comments.

She doesn’t comment on my friends’ posts. Not a problem.

She doesn’t comment on my friends’ posts. Not a problem.

So then, what's the problem? It sounds like you're inventing reasons to engage where it's not necessary. You don't need to unfriend anyone on FB in order to block any feeds you don't want to read, so there's no need to notify anyone of anything.

Set up your own play dates with any friend or friends you wish to see, skip any events where ex is invited for the time being, and move your focus onto creating NEW rewards and experiences for yourself, such as exploring a potential interest with any one of your other friends or alone.

Inventing complexity is a typical thing people do in order to rationalize making contact when it's obvious to everyone else that it's unnecessary. You can either get defensive about that, or you can recognize that we see this on these boards all fo the time. If you're here for the right reasons, you won't be offended when someone calls you on it. That defeats the purpose of your post.

Head high, you can do this. Find new things to DO.

So then, what's the problem? It sounds like you're inventing reasons to engage where it's not necessary. You don't need to unfriend anyone on FB in order to block any feeds you don't want to read, so there's no need to notify anyone of anything.

 

Set up your own play dates with any friend or friends you wish to see, skip any events where ex is invited for the time being, and move your focus onto creating NEW rewards and experiences for yourself, such as exploring a potential interest with any one of your other friends or alone.

 

Inventing complexity is a typical thing people do in order to rationalize making contact when it's obvious to everyone else that it's unnecessary. You can either get defensive about that, or you can recognize that we see this on these boards all fo the time. If you're here for the right reasons, you won't be offended when someone calls you on it. That defeats the purpose of your post.

 

Head high, you can do this. Find new things to DO.

Thanks, Catfeeder. Not offended at all. Just was annoyed that they kept telling me to unfriend her when I made clear that she wasn’t my friend on FB. We are trying to set up boundaries for a clean break. Thus far it has been unsuccessful as there have been details to work out but it will happen and thank you!