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Thread: Issues With Boyfriend and Reconnecting With An Ex

  1. #1
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    Issues With Boyfriend and Reconnecting With An Ex

    Hi guys, I've been trying to work this out myself but realized I may need your input. Apologies for the length; I wanted you to have all the facts.

    I've discovered a few things about my bf in recent months that have left me quite troubled, having thoughts of ending it with him..

    However, I have a history of bailing on relationships, so wanted to stick it out, not run as is my typical MO.

    It all started a few months ago when I discovered, after 9 months dating him in an exclusive relationship, he was previously married.

    I have no problem with that, my problem is that HE never mentioned it, his sister told me when I noticed a photo of him with a woman on her ledge (not the ex I knew about) and asked who it was.

    She said oh that's Xxxx's ex wife!

    Imagine my shock when hearing that, apparently his ex wife and his sister are still quite close, hence the photo.

    Another problem was when I talked to him about it, he didn't seem to think it was a big deal, which is why he never mentioned it, and why he didn't want to talk about it.

    Okay, so I let that go.

    A couple of months ago, I was in the UK for a job I had been offered, and despite my attempts to stay in touch while gone, he distanced himself and I rarely heard from him.

    When I returned (the job fell through for various reasons), he explained it was too difficult to stay in touch knowing I may take the job and move over there.

    Ok fair enough.

    Now to the present. Recently I fell very ill, started with a bad chest cold, then developed into pneumonia. Not to alarm anyone but I almost died, and my bf just wasn't and isn't being very supportive at all!

    Early last week, I felt so alone and sick, I ended up reaching out to my ex, the doctor, if anyone remembers.

    I broke up with him because I didn't feel he was "emotional" enough, being a doctor he was very cerebral and felt we didn't connect emotionally, although the sex was amazing!

    I thought about becoming FWB with him bit decided against it.

    When I ended it, I did not think he would care, but he did, very much, he actually cried, this big strong ER doctor was choking back tears, it still haunts me.

    Anyway, I was at a low point physically and mentally, just drained, when I reached out, and my goodness ever since then he has been amazing!

    First, very concerned about my health, way more than my own doctors even!

    Prescribed a strong antibiotic that essentially killed the bacteria within a week, I am still sick but getting better every day! Thank goodness!!

    He has brought over food, cooked it for me, made me tea. One night he even wrapped me in this big warm blanket he had.

    It's all very innocent, my bf knows, I don't know what his thoughts are but everything just feels so tense between us which isn't helping me at all on my road back to good health.

    Honestly, I don't think I've ever really gotten over that he never told me he was previously married, he actually admitted he never planned on telling me! They were married for nine years! He didn't think it was important to mention it?

    That said, I am not blaming him for the decline, I know it's me too, and these feelings that have resurfaced towards my ex.

    Frankly I have no idea where my head was when I ended it, no he's not the most emotional guy in the world, but my god he's sure there when you need him, strong, solid.

    I am finding myself falling for him again, I want to tell him and see how he feels. Is this a good idea?

    I will end it with my current of course but wanted to get your thoughts on all of this, my brain is spinning like crazy, I need to calm down!!

    Thanks in advance guys.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-23-2019 at 02:59 PM.

  2. #2
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    I dont know what else to say other than you are most likely not ready for any kind of relationship.

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    Originally Posted by Wolfshook
    I dont know what else to say other than you are most likely not ready for any kind of relationship.
    I don't think this is a fair comment at all. All too often, posters jump in with a one-sentence, "end-it-all" statement, without looking at the entire story.

    First of all:
    He was married for 9 years, and his sister is still friends with her, and he never thought that should be something you should know?
    Um, yeah, I'd be ticked off. And if I brought up my concern, and he brushed it off, with a "well, I just didn't feel like it/thought you needed to know/whatever", I'd probably end it on that note alone.

    The fact that he backed away WRT London makes sense, honestly, looking at it from his POV. So I do get that. His lack of empathy with your pneumonia (so sorry, and so glad you're better) is probably tied to his need to emotionally distance himself from you, thinking that you're moving so far; it's his self-protection method.

    Reaching out to your exBF.....hmm......that's unsettling, I have to be honest. We would be all over your BF if he reached out to an exGF, even if he said, "well I was at death's door, and she's a doctor". You know as well as we do that your exBF, the doctor, is not the only doctor in your large city who could treat your pneumonia. This part isn't my business, but are you a patient of record? As in, he's treating you? He obviously is, or he wouldn't have/couldn't have prescribed anything. Which then crosses into an ethical dilemma, doctors dating patients.

    Not trying to beat you up, I promise. You know I adore you, Katrina, I'm just asking the hard questions I know you'll want me to.

    But......I'm going to ask you to dig really deep here and ask yourself......why, really, did you reach out to him? And why do you continue to allow him to come inside your relationship?

    It's ok if you're having second thoughts about your ex, but you know this answer just as well as we do: you'll have to end it with current BF before you go back to your ex. Or before you even tell your ex of your feelings. You can't play the "Safety Net" game with your ex, hedging one guy against another.

    You'll have to take this risk: If you break up with BF, and then tell exBF you want to get back together, you have to be prepared for a No, in which case you'll be single again. Are you ok with that?

  4. #4
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think that after 9 months in a relationship, he certainly should have told you about having been married. You are not off base to be upset over that.

    As with your ex, it's obvious that the two of you are in the process of rekindling something. What may have not worked out earlier in your lives might work out now, but I agree that you have to end it with the bf first, and be prepared that it might not work out with your ex, either.

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    Hi LHG, thanks for your response (you too Wolf and Sarah).

    Yes I'm okay being single, I have no problem being single, I enjoy it.

    The reason I held off ending it with my current is cause my history has been bailing too soon, but realize now when things are such that it's just not working, it's actually best to bail.

    Now is that time.

    Re reaching out to my ex, I was pretty sick. My own doctors were treating me like I was part of an assembly line, the treatments they were giving me weren't really working either, taking too long; I just felt so low, I just needed someone to care.

    As you know my brother has terminal cancer, only given a few months so my family is dealing with that, so didn't feel like I wanted to trouble/burden them with my illness too right now.

    When I ended it with my ex he told me to reach out if I ever needed anything, which no one ever does, but again I was just feeling so low.

    If he had not been a doctor himself, not sure if I would have, but he is, and the fact is, with the treatment he prescribed, combined with him simply caring, I am on the road back to good health.

    I didn't expect to start falling for him, but I have, and from his actions, he has too, course I won't know that till I tell him I how I feel.

    I do not necessarily think we should get back together right now, I need some time after all this, but I do want to tell him how I feel.

    Hope that clarifies!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-23-2019 at 03:52 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I would respond but LHgirl pretty much said word for word everything in my mind so I won’t restate it.

    Just know I’m involved in the post haha.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    You’re in an emotional state Kat.

    Best advice I’ve ever heard do not make life time choices during times of crisis.

    Give it time, heal fully, really think.

    I’m not saying you shouldn’t reconcile, although like LHgirl pointed out had your boyfriend wrote from his perspective we’d have some choice words for your actions.

    I’m not saying stay with your boyfriend

    I’m saying sit on it. Maybe you did end things with the Dr too hastily don’t make the mistake of getting back with him hastily too, what happens if you change your mind again? you’re gonna devestate the poor guy being on again off again. Don’t do that to him, stop, be in the moment, heal, then and only then can you begin to put all this together and decide what’s best for you.

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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I would respond but LHgirl pretty much said word for word everything in my mind so I won’t restate it.

    Just know I’m involved in the post haha.
    Why do I think you have way more to say? Lol

    But respect that you prefer to remain quiet, but please know I welcome your comments, positive and negative!!

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    You’re in an emotional state Kat.

    Best advice I’ve ever heard do not make life time choices during times of crisis.

    Give it time, heal fully, really think.

    I’m not saying you shouldn’t reconcile, although like LHgirl pointed out had your boyfriend wrote from his perspective we’d have some choice words for your actions.

    I’m not saying stay with your boyfriend

    I’m saying sit on it. Maybe you did end things with the Dr too hastily don’t make the mistake of getting back with him hastily too, what happens if you change your mind again? you’re gonna devestate the poor guy being on again off again. Don’t do that to him, stop, be in the moment, heal, then and only then can you begin to put all this together and decide what’s best for you.
    Thank you! You are so right!

    I am not going to say anything, at least not right now.

    I want to be sure my feelings are coming from the right place, he's such a good man, last thing I want to do is break his heart again if my feelings turn out to be a whim due to being sick, feeling low, etc.

    Great advice, thanks again! :)

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    First things first: so sorry to hear about the health problems. Big hugs on that front, and so happy to hear you're on the mend.

    Onto the matter(s) at hand:

    Your bf not telling you that he was married is unsettling, big time. That he was dismissive about it being unsettling, as LH said, is what I would find particularly concerning. It speaks to (a) an inability to recognize your hurt and (b) a deeper character trait of shoving complexity under the carpet rather than dealing with it head on. Remembering some of your past posts, I don't think this is the first time you've seen some of these qualities surfacing.

    Dealbreaker, all that?

    Maybe. Early on in a relationship I think there needs to be some space to be hit with a curveball or two without cutting the cord. One of my best friends, for instance, got married to a long time ex under awful circumstances—he was broke, needed her insurance to get his wisdom teeth removed. The marriage, really, was the end of their relationship, and they were soon broken up, getting divorced. He didn't tell his new gf (now wife) about any of this because he didn't want to put pressure on things early; it was a source of shame he was still processing. She found out much the way you did—it kind of slipped out from a third party. And she was shocked, but she was awesome, understanding. They were a month or two into things, so this was still the discovery stage. When you're open to discovering the good, the bad, the shocking, the whatever...

    Nine months? The curveballs should have largely come and gone by that point. You should be pretty comfortable feeling that you know who you are with, what their trajectory was in life leading up to connecting with you, and so on. My opinion, at least. Not sure I could keep moving forward, if I could sincerely put that behind me.

    If I was in your shoes, I'd be listening to my spirit, being honest about how well I can genuinely sit with something. Having gotten to "know" you a bit on this site, it's evident that you're a heroically strong woman, someone who can handle a tremendous amount of stress and uncertainty while remaining buoyant, nimble. A beautiful quality. But also a fragile one. Just because you can handle something doesn't mean you have to, and in this case you certainly don't want to be taking on a weight to the spirit to atone for being a "runner" in the past.

    That isn't saying end it now. Perhaps even the opposite. Sit for a moment, let feelings come and go, so you're not reacting too impulsively. Sitting still, as I believe you once said to me, as I believe your father advised you, is often the most radical response to uncertainty.

    Onto the ex.

    The impulse there is one I understand very well, and have given in to plenty, so no judgement in what I'm about to say. Still, I think you need to be very realistic about what could be fueling that connection. You were, and are, in a state of heightened emotion, heightened vulnerability; regardless of where all this all ends, I suspect you'll find yourself looking back on this moment as one where you were in something of a fugue state. Not quite yourself.

    You've been thrown a major wrench to your physical well-being and one to your emotional well-being. Back to back, two major pillars in your life—your literal life, and your relationship—became shaky. Not minor stuff. You're reeling. You're also strong. Sometimes—again speaking from experience—strong people don't realize that they're reeling a lot more than they know. Sometimes you just need to remind yourself of that: that you are reeling more than you know, more confused that you know, and give yourself time to, well, really know that before reacting.

    Which is to say that, right now, regardless of the authenticity of your connection with your ex, part of what's making it feel so intense and surprising is that he is a port in a storm. That's not to say he isn't more than that, or that you two couldn't be something, but it's to remember that the storm will pass, is passing, and making major life decisions in these moments isn't always so advisable. A relationship built on a foundation of "intensity" can suffer when the intensity wanes. A doctor has tremendous power and magnetism over someone who is sick, but, once healthy—the ideal state—they are mortals again. You want to make sure you're falling for the mortal not the healer.

    To push a bit more: I can't help but think part of your attraction to your ex is connected to some of your frustrations with your current bf. An ex of his—an ex wife—has disrupted the equilibrium you two shared and now you've reacted by bringing an ex of yours back into the equation. Also, reconnecting with an ex softens your self-critical identity as a "runner," so let's say you ended things with your bf and got together with your ex—well, there's some potential subconscious self-soothing going on because you're not totally "running," if that makes sense.

    I'll leave it all there for now. Sit with all this for a moment, maybe with some distance from both men, so you can hear the truest, most important voice in the room, which is your own.

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