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Thread: Following up on new friendship situation...

  1. #1
    Gold Member Soulsister2010's Avatar
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    Following up on new friendship situation...

    As some of you may remember, I posted a while back about meeting a friend (we are both women) at the gym. I'm gay. She's not. That ultimately doesn't matter but it did make me self-conscious as I wanted to be friends with her and I wanted to make an effort without looking like I was hitting on her.

    Fast forward to present day. She is really cool in person. Totally friendly. Has no problem chatting with me like actual friends do. We'll talk about books and movies. I asked her if she wanted to have coffee. She said totally. That hasn't happened but that's fine.

    Here's the thing... as soon as we leave the gym, it's like we aren't friends. If I text her to ask a question, she'll answer after like 7 hours. If I text her to tell her that I love the show she recommended to me on Netflix, she likely won't respond. I can't figure it out.

    Perhaps she just isn't into texting but here's how I feel. If you text someone and they want to talk to you, they respond. I mean, she has been going through a lot of personal stuff and so it's not something I'm fretting about too much or taking that personally but I don't understand why someone would be so friendly in person and then just seemingly not interested in anything else. And as you all may recall, she is the one that asked for my phone number and not the other way around.

    I probably shouldn't think about this anymore but I typically read people really well and there is nothing about our exchange in person that says she is feeling awkward about us being friends. Nothing. She is actually a lot like me, personality-wise.

    Part of me feels like, well, maybe I ought to not text her anymore (and for the record, I maybe text her once a week, maybe) and that's fine but then I feel like I'm not being myself. Why shouldn't I tell someone, "Thanks for the book rec" just because they don't respond??? It's all very puzzling because I DO want to get to know her better and I feel like that will only happen if someone initiates convo and clearly that person has to be me.

    Thanks for any thoughts, all. I mean, I don't think you should have to try that hard to be friends with someone and I don't understand why she doesn't care to be more than gym friends as we have a lot in common but I guess she doesn't.
    Last edited by Soulsister2010; 03-22-2019 at 02:23 PM.

  2. #2
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    Whether you mean it or not, it certainly sounds like your intentions are to be more than friends.

    Give her space and let her do her own thing. She doesn't need you texting her all the time to prove friendship. She's hanging out with you, right?

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Try to 'switch off' your desire for a response. It might be difficult at first but it's worth the practice. You're ultimately letting your happiness depend on a text message. I had to work on this a lot when my mum was battling cancer and I couldn't understand why a close friend just didn't respond in the way I wanted her to. Mind you, we are like sisters and it hurt me deeply. Two years later I learned that she was dealing with severe depression and had her own battles.

    I'm not suggesting to you to be a doormat. I'm only encouraging you to switch off your immediate desire for a response and place less importance on this. Some things are out of your hands. Be a bit more fluid.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Soulsister2010's Avatar
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    Following up on new friendship situation...

    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    Whether you mean it or not, it certainly sounds like your intentions are to be more than friends.

    Give her space and let her do her own thing. She doesn't need you texting her all the time to prove friendship. She's hanging out with you, right?
    How do my intentions sound like I want to be more than friends? Because I believe in actually doing stuff with people? And no, the whole point is that we do not hang out. I see her at the gym and thatís it. I am trying to get to know her better as she seems that she is interested in that also but then nothing. And no, I am NOT interested in her as more than friends. I am just of the school of thinking that real friendships involve getting to know someone and time spent doing things that you both enjoy.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Soulsister2010's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Try to 'switch off' your desire for a response. It might be difficult at first but it's worth the practice. You're ultimately letting your happiness depend on a text message. I had to work on this a lot when my mum was battling cancer and I couldn't understand why a close friend just didn't respond in the way I wanted her to. Mind you, we are like sisters and it hurt me deeply. Two years later I learned that she was dealing with severe depression and had her own battles.

    I'm not suggesting to you to be a doormat. I'm only encouraging you to switch off your immediate desire for a response and place less importance on this. Some things are out of your hands. Be a bit more fluid.
    Thank you Rose Mosse. You are completely right and I know that this is a great opportunity for me to work on my expectations of outcomes. Thank you!!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    Thank you Rose Mosse. You are completely right and I know that this is a great opportunity for me to work on my expectations of outcomes. Thank you!!
    You're welcome! Don't feel discouraged.

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    I think you are doing fine - but you are a bit too focused on her. I would try to put myself out there to make more friends so that you are not waiting patiently for that one particular person to bite. You are approaching it a bit like dating even if you don't realize it. I think to her, you are a situational friend and unless the situation changes - one of you stops going to the gym or an event comes up that one needs to invite others to, there might not be more movement than what is happening. I would keep doing what you are doing - be friendly and cool at the gym - while continuing to do other things that might result in friendships - volunteering, meetups, etc. There will be more people that gravitate towards you. Sometimes situational friendships take longer to turn into close friendships. Close friendships only become that way over way more time than you have given this.

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    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    How do my intentions sound like I want to be more than friends? Because I believe in actually doing stuff with people? And no, the whole point is that we do not hang out. I see her at the gym and thatís it. I am trying to get to know her better as she seems that she is interested in that also but then nothing. And no, I am NOT interested in her as more than friends. I am just of the school of thinking that real friendships involve getting to know someone and time spent doing things that you both enjoy.
    Its the way you are approaching it - you are trying to "win her" as a friend. That's more like a dating move even though your aim is friendship.
    Getting to know someone sometimes happens over time over shared situations. Its not like a date where you sit down and "try to get to know eachother".

  10. #9
    Gold Member Soulsister2010's Avatar
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    Thanks, Abitbroken :-)

    Yeah, youíre right. And yes, if all of the sudden stopped coming to her classes, I donít actually think she would care. While at the same time, there was a job opening at her work and she told me in case I wanted to apply (I donít). So, she is confusing to me. But yes, I need to focus elsewhere. Thanks for the reminder. This may either take a long time or it will just never progress to being friends. I guess itís off for me because typically, when you get along great with someone, it becomes a coffee thing or whatever else. I mean, other ladies that I know far less well have had no problem saying, ďHey, letís hang out!Ē

  11. #10
    Gold Member Soulsister2010's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Its the way you are approaching it - you are trying to "win her" as a friend. That's more like a dating move even though your aim is friendship.
    Getting to know someone sometimes happens over time over shared situations. Its not like a date where you sit down and "try to get to know eachother".
    Oh, I totally hear you. That is why I enjoy talking to her and I have been enjoying that but I wanted to try taking it outside of the gym where we are always basically walking and talking. Thatís all. I donít think itís weird to want more than that when you think someone is cool.

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