Red Flags or Jealousy?

After being apart for 14 months, my ex called to let me know one of our best friends was in the last stages of death. He asked if I wanted to visit him in Hospice with him. I knew he was in a relationship and said I would like to see him, but didn’t want his girlfriend to feel uncomfortable if we went together. He assured me they had split up before Christmas.

We went together and were constantly together for the next 3 weeks until our friend died.

Long story short. We started dating during this time and it was so easy, so natural and so great!

Complication: During the 14 months apart this couple and my ex did everything together and my ex helped take care of his friend during his illness. The wife of his dying friend (who was also my best friend), came to rely on my ex and developed a crush on him that all my friends made comments about. Since we weren’t dating at that time I stayed out of the drama.

Now that her husband is dead, she texts my boyfriend all the time. One evening last week, she texted him 21 times, while we were trying to watch a movie. She calls him to pick her up when she gets her car serviced, to take her to lunch because she is lonely. She has used him to help her around the house, etc.

He knows what people are saying about him & her and he keeps assuring me there is nothing between them in a romantic way. He just feels sorry for her loss and is trying to be helpful.

I’m trying to be understanding but I feel this is going to be a problem.

I am overjoyed that we are back together and don’t want to rock the boat but it’s hard to not feel betrayed by her since she knows how much I wanted us to get back together and was my shoulder to cry on.

Am I overreacting?

No. You are not.

I know that she is having a difficult time, but he needs to put boundaries in place. This is your best friend, have you been speaking to her?

Is she still calling you? Do you go with him, when she calls him over?

I agree with Holly, you should inject yourself into helping her through this horrible time.

Your friend had a huge void in her life and is filling it with a man she trusts and admires (your bf) because he was a stand up guy and was there for both of them. Put yourself in her shoes, she may not even recognize the boundaries she is crossing.

If you help pick her up, go with him at lunch and help her in general with him or alone it will be a good thing.

She has definitely latched onto your bf for a male presence in her life.

Do you honestly think she is trying to steal him from you? If so then you have reason to be jealous or upset with your friend trying to snake your man.

Lost

I have incorporated her into our lives. I have invited her to lunch with us and she always goes. The night she was texting him so much, was after we had taken her to lunch! I text her to find out if she is doing okay several times a week. She is 62 years old and is acting like she is a damsel in distress. She is texting my bf to come over and put air in her tires! Who doesn’t know how to drive to the gas station and put air in a tire!

When I take my car to be serviced, I either stay with it or the dealership takes me home and picks me up....she calls my bf to do this and when I suggest she use their service she reply’s that she wasn’t sure they had that service. It’s stuff like that that makes me feel like she is using him because she is lonely.

I’m trying to be patient and a good friend but it seems like she has a hidden agenda.

I agree that you should go with him every time he goes to do something for her. She may get fed up of not getting him alone and eventually stop asking him. If he won't let you go with him then you need to speak up and explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable because you know what her intentions are. If she is your friend then maybe you could talk to her about it too. Best of luck.

Yes at first i thought she was just lonely fullstop but as you are inviting her and being socialable with her and she still persists there has to be a point where enough is enough. I believe there is nothing untoward going on but she needs to get back into the habbit of doing things for herself by herself and stop coming between your relationship. I would definitely have a chat with her about it.

How long has it been since the husband passed away?

I would find this very uncomfortable as well and I think you are handling it the best way you can right now. You are present and involved in their interactions. At the same time I do feel bad for the wife.

Yes, she has some boundary issues, but cutting her off at this point seems heartless at the same time.

I think this just calls for some continued patience on your end and at the same time your boyfriend needs to slowly back off and wean the wife from her dependency on him.

but it seems like she has a hidden agenda. She can have one all she wants, but it doesn't mean she'll get it. Even though it's very likely, it is an assumption

Most of all she needs some friends. I think you can continue to do that for her in the meantime.

This could lead to a cheating relationship. I feel sorry for her, but she needs cut off if you don't want to risk your own relationship again.

Maybe it's not important, but why did you break up the first time?

The responsibility is really your boyfriend's for balancing his commitments between friends and his relationship with you. If you don't sense he is capable of doing this or is reluctant to step up to the plate, the responsibility is YOURS for cutting him loose for good.

Yesterday we were supposed to go to dinner but she called him over to clean the headlights on her car and then she asked him to go with her to a car dealership so he could help her pick out a new car. This completely destroyed our plans to meet up for dinner. He says he can’t tell her no because he feels obligated to help her since her husband is gone.

He says he feels nothing for her and my jealousy is completely unfounded. I tried to explain to him it has nothing to do with jealousy of her. I hate that she uses him and she doesn’t have any boundaries.

We ended our discussion with my telling him that if he continues to put her needs above mine, our relationship and his own physical disabilities, I won’t be a doormat and I won’t be the one taking care of him when he has to have back surgery.

What did he say to that?

I am not a fan of ultimatums because you are basically forcing someone to do what you want instead of them doing what is right. BUT there are times when men are idiots and need a swift kick in the butt to straighten us out.

Lost