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Thread: Am I right to discourage my husbands participation?

  1. #1
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    Am I right to discourage my husbands participation?

    We've been married 30 years, both retired. We get along fine, occasional argument but nothing serious, no sign of infidelity on either part ever.

    A few months ago my husband ran into an old high school friend (hadn't seen in years) and they met for breakfast. I was happy for him to reconnect.

    His friend learned that a group of their high school classmates meet for brunch every other month. His friend suggested they go to the next one, and my husband agreed (told me about it in advance).

    It seems the group began meeting several years ago as a few women. Recently, as people retired, the number of women increased and a couple men sometimes came. At the brunch my husband went to there were about 15 women, he estimated, while he and his friend were the only men.

    I'm not happy about my husband participating with so many women and so few men. Some of those women are likely single or divorced and looking for a man. My husband is a nice guy and a “good catch”. He's naive about predatory women – he wouldn't know if one was pursuing him unless she was blatant. Even then he's too polite to rebuff firmly, and anything less might seem like encouragement.

    After hearing the situation, I asked my husband not to go anymore. He said it's only brunch and he'd never get involved with another woman, but who knows what might happen. Interaction that starts out innocent could escalate to trouble. He said he never had a relationship with any of the women except for being classmates. That being the case I can't see why he'd want to spend any time with them now.

    I could go with him, but I don't know any of them and would feel out of place. Plus it would only prove that no one went after him while I was there. I certainly don't want to go every time.

    My husband thinks I'm being paranoid. He claims it's all very innocent, but I'm uncomfortable with it. He agreed to my request not to go but I could tell he was annoyed. And he doesn't know what to say to his friend, who wants to keep going (and whose wife seems okay with it). I didn't insist that he not go, but he realizes I'd be upset if he did.

    I'm pretty sure I'm being reasonable, but just to be fair I'm posting this to ask for feedback. I am right to ask him not to attend?

  2. #2
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    Fifteen women and two men?
    I would be relieved if you asked me not to go.

    I think he may be too.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't tell him what he can and can't do. He'll get sick of the gossip and all that soon enough. If you make it a no-no based on your jealousy and interpretation of 'predatory women' it not only sounds ridiculous but he may stand his ground for the pure principle of it.

  4. #4
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    Which of the women has tried to lure him away from you?

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I could go with him, but I don't know any of them and would feel out of place.
    Then I don't think you are being fair.

    If he said you couldn't go, well then yes, you would have a point. If you don't want to go when you can, then you are being rather controlling in not wanting him to go without you.

    You blame his "naivety" on not wanting him to go when in fact you don't trust him or you are feeling insecure in wanting to have a life outside of the one he has with you.

    I would suspect that if the meet ups are not to his liking then he certainly is grown up enough to ask to meet just with his male friend for coffee. If they are to his liking then get yourself dressed and go with him if you are that uncomfortable with him going without you.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Lester
    Fifteen women and two men?
    I would be relieved if you asked me not to go.

    I think he may be too.
    He says he wants to go mainly to hang out with his male friend. My husband doesn't have many friends and he seems to really like this guy. They used to be friends in high school but lost touch and just reconnected a few months ago.

    It's fine with me if he wants to spend time with his friend, but they should do it on their own rather than with a bunch of women.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Don't tell him what he can and can't do. He'll get sick of the gossip and all that soon enough. If you make it a no-no based on your jealousy and interpretation of 'predatory women' it not only sounds ridiculous but he may stand his ground for the pure principle of it.
    He resisted somewhat but didn't stand his ground. He agreed not to go since he realized how much it bothered me.

    I don't want to be unreasonable, which is why I posted here for other opinions, but it would unsettle me a lot if he kept going.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Which of the women has tried to lure him away from you?
    None of the women tried to lure him away as far as I know. But that doesn't mean they won't in the future. The more he goes, the more likely it would be.

  10. #9
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    If he is true to you nothing any woman does will matter. So does it mean you don’t trust him?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Then I don't think you are being fair.

    If he said you couldn't go, well then yes, you would have a point. If you don't want to go when you can, then you are being rather controlling in not wanting him to go without you.

    You blame his "naivety" on not wanting him to go when in fact you don't trust him or you are feeling insecure in wanting to have a life outside of the one he has with you.

    I would suspect that if the meet ups are not to his liking then he certainly is grown up enough to ask to meet just with his male friend for coffee. If they are to his liking then get yourself dressed and go with him if you are that uncomfortable with him going without you.
    Do you really think I'm being controlling and insecure? I don't want to be like that. It doesn't feel that way to me -- I just feel like I'm protecting our marriage.

    If I tell him to go, I think it will trouble me quite a bit and I may resent him for it. It just seems a lot safer for him not to go.

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