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Thread: I like her a lot...

  1. #1
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    I like her a lot...

    A quick bit of background... I was married for 10yrs and separated from my wife about 18months ago. A year after separation I felt ready to get 'out there' again and so looked into popular dating apps. I had good results from the outset, have met a number of lovely women for various dates. However, that real relationship I'm looking for, even when there's been serious chemistry, has proven elusive. Over the six month period, I'd say there have been three women who I've been very interested in. I was dating one for 3mths before she ended that without any reason given, I had a long distance thing going with another for two months that ended up fizzling out and, most recently, there's been Kate who is the purpose of this post. At all times, I've had other women I've been talking to and/or dating in the background but for whatever reason, I've not found any real connection with them.

    Now, the advice I'm after with Kate is to basically try to establish whether she's likely gone or if I can somehow turn this around. First and foremost (if it isn't clear already) - I genuinely like her a lot.
    We matched on Tinder back in January and exchanged a handful of messages (I had the long distance thing going on during this time). Kate then went quiet for weeks but I wasn't really fussed and figured it was one of many message exchanges that had just fizzled to nothing. Cue the end of the long distance thing... suddenly out of the blue, Kate reaches out to me again.

    We chat, I get her number and we arrange to meet up for drinks. Now, after 15 or so previous dates, I've learned to go in with zero expectations as I find it helps keep me relaxed and I can just be myself. The date was going well (good not great), we talked a lot, we flirted a fair bit and we drank lots too. She caught herself admitting that she never thought she'd open up quite as much on a first date as she was doing. The conversation wasn't superficial, it was engaging and there was no guardedness. One minute we'd be recalling drunken adventures and the next she'd be telling me about very personal childhood memories. I'm not going to lie, I found it extremely attractive that she felt comfortable opening up with me like that.

    I missed my last train home and made mention of the fact I'd have to grab an Uber but that was fine so we moved to a new bar. Now, hand on heart I never expected or even suggested it but at about midnight, she invites me back to hers. We were both pretty drunk, I agreed and so back we went. Needless to say, things escalated pretty quickly once we reached the comfort of her sofa and I ended up staying the night. Now, I have no shame in admitting that given the amount of alcohol we drank, the sex itself wasn't fantastic but she seemed to enjoy herself and the neighbours probably got as much sleep as we did let's put it that way. In the morning, she was extremely affectionate and cuddled up with me in an almost couple-like level of intimacy which I loved. We had sex again before she had to go to work, we got up, I got dressed kissed her goodbye and said I'd text her later as I left her flat.

    We messaged back and forth, I suggested a second date after a day or two but she was busy... no alternative date suggested. First mini-alarm starts going off in my mind. We continue to chat back and forth for a few more days and then all of a sudden she vanishes for about 5 days. I know she's read my message and has been online (the dreaded curse of whatsapp 'last seen' status). Now, I've been here before so I know what it indicates... but I want to keep her in my life so I send her a follow up text asking if she wants to see where things go BUT if not I'd still like to stay friends as I think she's awesome.

    She replies to this saying that she appreciates my text, that she feels really awful that she ignored me, apologises and admits that she's putting herself first in every aspect of her life just now. I brush it off as though I'm not fussed. I know she's been extremely busy with work and buying a flat so I have deliberately not chased her and given her space. She's reached out a number of times since but the tone is now friendly rather than flirty and I kind of feel I may have shot myself in the foot with the whole 'let's be friends' approach. At the time, I thought I could do it but after a couple of weeks, I can't get her out of my head and am kicking myself that I could well have blown it with her. I guess in hindsight, I'd rather have just been rejected and moved on than gone down the route of trying to stay friends.

    If there's a chance I could turn this round, I would absolutely rather go down that route first but it would be great to get some other people's unclouded opinions as to how likely that might be given the circumstances. Sorry for rambling and I appreciate any insights on this.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try to ride it out. Make sure you're not talking about your wife/separation etc too much. Just ask her out on dates and be romantic don't rush in to bed too fast on every date. Try to show her you're interested in more.

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    Thanks. It's bloody hard though isn't it!

    I never speak about my previous relationship (or my kids) on any dates unless the conversation steers that way naturally. I'm always up front that I have an ex with kids though as it's obviously a dealbreaker for some women, particularly those who are early 30s/don't have kids themselves already. Kate is 30, previously married but no kids whereas I'm 35 and have two. I never rush to jump into bed with any of the women I've seen since separating. In fact, it only reached that stage once previously with the woman I was dating for 3mths and that was on dates 5 and 6. I've never seen the appeal of one night stands and kinda hoped that it was more than a hook-up with Kate given we had a good connection and actually continued chatting after that initial first date.

    I'm not making the mistake of seeming like I'm chasing either. If she doesn't reply to a text for days, I leave it. It makes it difficult to trying to get that next date set up but I know neediness is the biggest interest killer around. I have another couple of women I'm chatting to now to help avoid that whole 'focused on one' vibe that females have a sixth sense for and, given how attractive she is, she won't be short of guys chasing her for attention, so I'm deliberately avoiding being thrown into that category too.

    She's dropped into previous messages about how her best friend is into watching sports and how 'he' took her to see a game, or that 'he' took her out for her surprise birthday meal this week... I'm experienced enough about the tests that women use that I'm interpreting this as a means of seeing how I react and whether I'm the jealous type. If it is a test, then I'm taking that as a good sign and I handled it accordingly - with lots of enthusiasm through metaphorical gritted teeth!

    I just hate how difficult this stuff is. I've been out of the game for a looooooooooong time!

  4. #4
    Silver Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    Sounds to me like she's found someone else she is more interested in, or possibly that he was already in the picture.

    She's on Tinder. I'm sure you weren't her only option if she is as you say.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Sorry but you are going uphill on this one.

    Keep busy meeting other women but don't write her off completely. Turning this around is more up to her than you. She has shown compassion for you by replying to your message of friendship and has messaged you in-between so you are on her mind whish is good but you need to be a little aloof and less friend like.

    Why don't you let it go for a few weeks and then give her a call. I know I know you are thinking "You want me to actually talk on the phone with my voice" and yes that is exactly what I want you to do instead of messaging on some platform. Be different and call when you are pretty sure she would be free to talk. Then keep it light and ask how the real estate thing is going and how she has been doing. Gauge her response and if she implies she has been super busy then suggest you take her out for a nice dinner so she can relax and have a good time.

    With these sorts of things you have zero to lose by trying but how you go about it can make or break your chances.

    Lost

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    As a woman, if a guy I was interested in asked me out and I was busy, I would definitely give him an alternate date. It doesn't matter what signals you thought you received that would make this something longer than one and done. She's just not that interested. You can't be everyone's cup of tea and you likely did nothing wrong. She was maybe just filling some time because nothing else was going on for the moment.

    Hold out for the woman who makes it crystal clear she's wanting to get to know you past one meet up.

  8. #7
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    Thanks for all of the feedback. Yeah, I'd gathered this was going to be a difficult one made harder by the fact it was never really clear what she wanted from the outset.

    The lack of alternative date given was a red flag I must admit but it was disguised slightly differently than the usual, 'Sorry, I'm busy,' line in that, she said she was away for the weekend and that Friday evening she was out with a girlfriend but would give me a shout if that fell through. Maybe it was optimism on my part but I figured she could have spared herself the trouble of the, 'If plans change,' line and just said she was busy full stop. As an aside, she also commented on my plans to hire a campervan in the near future and said that she'd 100% be there for that... even though I never explicitly invited her, I was just telling her about it. Perhaps she just likes the attention, I don't know. Like I said, she's very attractive so it's not like she'd be short of it elsewhere tbh.

    I have no trouble picking up the phone and calling, Lost so I'll probably do that in a couple of weeks. I guess I'll get an answer either way and know to stop wasting my energy over-thinking it all.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by newly
    The lack of alternative date given was a red flag
    Even if she had given an alternative date it still does not mean much. I just had a similar thing happen to me. In my case she cancelled the 1st date and offered to meet next weekend but that never happened. She had met some one else. Usually the 1st date getting cancelled is not a good sign.

    May I ask how old you and she are?

  10. #9
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    I'd say its time to man up with large romantic gesture. I am a bit concerned that the line you gave about being friends might have confused her, possibly giving her the impression you are not that into her. Sometimes you need to be a bit more bold than asking to see her or asking for a date. I suggest at the very least, sending her some flowers, don't be shy in the message, "can't stop thinking about you", send them to her work if that is possible and would not be problematic ( as in she takes transit or doesn't work in an office or store where she would have a vase etc). Even better if you find some concert or theater event happening say about a month from now send those too and say "let's do this" it can have a much bigger impact than "would you like to do this" and will set you apart from all the other guys she is meeting on tinder.

    Having said all that, I thought Tinder was considered more of a hook up site and it seems that is just what you got, so maybe she is not looking for something more serious. But if you really like her, invest a few bucks and show some alpha muscle, at least you will know one way or the other.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by SilverFactory
    Even if she had given an alternative date it still does not mean much. I just had a similar thing happen to me. In my case she cancelled the 1st date and offered to meet next weekend but that never happened. She had met some one else. Usually the 1st date getting cancelled is not a good sign.

    May I ask how old you and she are?
    That sucks. Maybe it was just bad timing? Im in a similar situation with another woman actually. She cancelled plans for the first date 3hrs beforehand but the excuse she had was pretty understandable and she was very keen to reschedule. Well just have to see how that pans out.

    Its probably safe to assume that offering an alternative isnt always a given that shes interested... but not offering one is a fairly conclusive indicator that the interest level is low.

    Kates 30 and Im 35.

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