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Thread: How to repair reputation/relationships after oversharing about my relationship?

  1. #1
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    How to repair reputation/relationships after oversharing about my relationship?

    I'll try to summarize, but lots of factors and moving parts here. Im male, 50s, and living in another country with very different culture and have been trying to keep my own business going here for few years. Was going quite well and was happy and had nice 'semi'friendships' at the gym where I work. I dont do much socially with these people, but some are clients and some are just gym mates (mostly female).

    I entered into a toxic relationship with a woman that left me with a serious depression and anxiety. My self esteem was so low I guess that I was not able to leave the relationship easily. My GF also came to the class I taught and I focused too much attention and on her and my clients sensed it. She also flirted with male members of my class which also distracted me. There were some complaints by female members of my class about this and I ended up losing some core members. My fault I know, but I was too addicted to this person to see clearly. My class basically fell apart. The relationship also started falling apart as the more she pulled away, the more needy I got, etc etc...and it just became a big mess.

    Not having any close friends or family here, I mentioned to some women in the class that I take for my own workouts that I was having issues with my GF and since its such different culture thought they might have some clues how to fix the issue with my woman. I was so stressed and rattled that I also talked with other instructors at the gym, store clerks I see everyday..basically I couldn't shut up about it. I was so blinded by the pain this relationship was bringing me, I could not see the damage I was doing to my various relationships before it was too late.

    Now many of these people dont see me the same way or respect me since I let this issue with my GF go on for so long. I kept asking advice but I was not willing to do what they suggested (break up) since I was still thinking I could salvage it. They grew tired of hearing the same story and lost respect for me.

    She dumped me 3 weeks ago so I dont even have her to show for everything that happened. Im not blaming her or my aquaitances, it was my fault I know. I just overshared and reached out to people that are not really invested in me or know me that well. Gossip started and now most folks in the gym where I work and work out myself dont treat m the same. It sucks because NOW is when I need social life to get through the pain of the break up.

    Ive apologized a few times and stopped talking about the issue. I told them we are not together anymore and im acting more like my old self.

    Some people are coming around and more forgiving than others. But some of these relationships and some of my clients will not forget it. its a hard pill to swallow and I know beating myself up wont help. The more I try to interact with the ones who are most rejecting of me, the more its obvious im trying to hard and they seem to be getting more annoyed. Kind of what I did with my GF as she grew distant. Surprise surprise. Well, with her its over, but I need to repair my social and business reputation, but I cant control the gossip and what people perceive. What can I do? I know ...learn the lesson, but what else?

    Thank you

  2. #2
    I suggest you seek some counselling and take care of yourself first. You don't need to drive yourself insane worrying about what people think of you. You're not going to gain that respect back from them over night, it takes time. Re-build your self respect and in time your business reputation will hopefully improve. You've got nothing to prove to those who refuse to understand your inner battles. Take care of you first.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Only confide in very close friends and family. You can call these people rather than emotionally overtaxing gym acquaintances, especially women who may misinterpret that kind of crying on their shoulders as a come on. From now on go to work to work. Treat all clients male, female, whatever the same. Do not flirt or come on to women there.

    Improve your social media presence as well to be more professional. Use other avenues to confide or make friends or meet women. For example take some language or local cooking classes, volunteer, join some groups or clubs, try a support group to confide your problems. etc. Get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting women but Do Not talk about your ex/breakup. In fact only burden close friends, family or therapists with that type of thing. See a doctor about your anxiety/depression. Stop blame your ex for "causing" that.

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    There is really nothing more you can do, but take a step back and stop trying to make it all right. You have apologized, informed them you've broken up, and that's about all you can reasonably do.

    I think the issue for a lot of people isn't so much your toxic relationship in and of itself, but the fact that you appear to lack appropriate boundaries. That is off-putting for people, because it's quite awkward to know what to say or do when someone you don't know well is unloading their personal problems. I imagine many sympathize but are still a bit (to be blunt) weirded out by your behaviour. It reminds me of a woman I once met who seemed like she could become a cool friend but almost immediately started oversharing about her marital problems; I was uncomfortable being her confidante since I hardly knew her. Quickly, I grew tired of being her emotional dumping ground and stopped responding to her messages.

    I would focus on developing new friendships, and learning how to apply context-appropriate social and professional filters. It will probably be hard to change people's pre-existing impression of you, but you can work on developing new skills with new folks.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    So since you canít do the ď please let me prove to you Iím worthyĒ with your ex girlfriend youíre now transferring all that unhealthy energy to your colleagues thus still pulling them into your sh*t. Thatís not fair to them. If the bridge has been burned and they donít want to rebuild you canít force it. In other words stop trying to make people like/love you.

    Look man you could solved a whole lot of this by seeing a great counselor. And honestly Iíd bring all your posts with you so he/she can get a clear picture.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What you do is get a grip on yourself and STOP. Seems that rejection or even perceived rejection of any kind triggers you to act out in frantic, needy, annoying, out of control ways. Instead of backing off and letting people breathe and come around to you, you want to control and push for what you want at all costs. No surprise that all you get is the opposite of what you want - you push people away. At 50, you really are too old to be so immature. Get counseling or just get a grip already.

    If you get into a toxic relationship, whine everyone's ears off about it but never take any constructive advice given, yes people will get fed up with you and distance themselves. This is a normal reaction, but not the kind of horrible negative you are making it out to be. Meaning that once you stop the behavior and get back to yourself and being normal and making better decisions, people will drift back.....assuming that you don't continue to cause more drama. Right now you ARE continuing on and on with more drama, you've just shifted the drama from your ex to ...well....everyone else within earshot. So stop. Shut your mouth and I'm not being rude, I'm being serious. Literally the moment you feel that compulsion to "fix" and talk and have verbal diarrhea, shut it down immediately. Talk about the weather instead or the cool exercise you want to try. What you do is give yourself a serious time out. Go on vacation, go visit your family, take a break, let things die down. If you can't leave, then just let things die down. Redemption requires time and patience, not pushing for results, aka drama, like a runaway bulldozer.

  8. #7
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    Thank you, great feedback.
    @rayoflighten: thank you solid advice. I have sought counseling during and after the relationship (now). I wish I could have afforded to go many times per week but couldn't as it's quite expensive. irs just now post breakup I wish I didn't tarnish those friendly light relationships since it's exactly what need right now. But I'll focus on improving and learning from this

    @wiseman2: I did not confide in these women as a come on and they didn't interpret as such. They offered their advice and were very supportive but I should not have tried to create that type dynamics c with them. Not sure if you have ever been in such emotional pain that you couldn't see how your actions were being perceiving but that's what happened. As mentioned above I was a wreck over this and did seek counseling but even with that was hard. I agree to from now keep work about work and I've learned this lesson. I was just seeing best way to repair if any as I like these people socially as gym mates. I think I said I'm my post a few times I don't blame anyone for my choices. I was not depressed before getting involved with this person, but I did have trouble walking away which is on me. I am seeing therapist now.

    @misscannuck: agree with what you wrote makes sense. Again they seemed very eager at first to listen but I overdid it and more to the point should not have even discussed and kept that sphere of my life "pristine" so to speak. I do need to work on filters and boundaries. I will continue to do so and learn from this. I won't make extra efforts with them anymore m

    @figureitout: i was perplexed that these people initially wabyed to help, but judged me because I wasn't in a strong enough position to take advantage of their advice. I guess they felt I wasted their time or didn't value their input. I did. I just wasn't in a place yet to break off with her since as I've said before I'm in foreign county with no close friends of family. I need to work on that. I seeing counselor but I can't go every day because it's expensive. Bit I'll never use friends or colleagues as therapists again. I've leaned the lesson. My therapist knows well about all this. You are right in that I don't handle rejection well and that's low self esteem. I'm working on that to at least make use of this whole y experience I created.

    Thanks for your input everyone. Appreciate it

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    Dancing fool You have me pegged. Great advice. Just because I'm 50 though and haven't addressed these emotional reactions doesn't mean it's too late. everyone evolves at their own rate. Everyone's demons and pain from life experience is different. I guess they say life will keep handing you the lesson you need to learn until you do. I'm just stupid emotionally and socially and I guess didn't have good role models for that. But I want to finally fix this even though I'm 50. I will shut up that's great advice as is taking some time away. Thank you very much

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by hp1
    Dancing fool You have me pegged. Great advice. Just because I'm 50 though and haven't addressed these emotional reactions doesn't mean it's too late. everyone evolves at their own rate. Everyone's demons and pain from life experience is different. I guess they say life will keep handing you the lesson you need to learn until you do. I'm just stupid emotionally and socially and I guess didn't have good role models for that. But I want to finally fix this even though I'm 50. I will shut up that's great advice as is taking some time away. Thank you very much
    Of course it's never too late and as the saying goes, late is better than never. Start learning how to reign in your emotions. If your emotions control you, then they'll take advantage of you, your life, your relationships and basically wreck it all. Emotions are good to a point, as in we are supposed to feel things, but we also have a brain to control and limit those emotions so they don't get out of hand and turn into a destructive force in our lives. You train yourself in that just like you can train your body at the gym. The approach might be different, but the principles of discipline are the same.

  11. #10
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You can't undo the past. We all make mistakes. I know I've made a lot of mistakes. All you can do is readjust, change yourself, know your boundaries with others, show class, grace and kindness. It's all you can do. And, give it lots of time. People eventually come around and trust that you will behave properly. However, it requires your patience because people don't just bounce back even though you can. A lot of people are a forgiving lot. They won't forget how you had "loose lips" in the past but if they observe your sincere effort to be a good, PRIVATE person for a long time, then they'll be cordial and courteous to you in return. If they continue to snub you, you remain natural and polite always and conduct your life with good manners, poise, aplomb, professionalism (at work settings) and live a normal, calm life. Don't run away from shame or embarrassment. Transform yourself into the person you want to be and you'll be fine. This too shall pass.

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