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How to repair reputation/relationships after oversharing about my relationship?


hp1

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I'll try to summarize, but lots of factors and moving parts here. Im male, 50s, and living in another country with very different culture and have been trying to keep my own business going here for few years. Was going quite well and was happy and had nice 'semi'friendships' at the gym where I work. I dont do much socially with these people, but some are clients and some are just gym mates (mostly female).

 

I entered into a toxic relationship with a woman that left me with a serious depression and anxiety. My self esteem was so low I guess that I was not able to leave the relationship easily. My GF also came to the class I taught and I focused too much attention and on her and my clients sensed it. She also flirted with male members of my class which also distracted me. There were some complaints by female members of my class about this and I ended up losing some core members. My fault I know, but I was too addicted to this person to see clearly. My class basically fell apart. The relationship also started falling apart as the more she pulled away, the more needy I got, etc etc...and it just became a big mess.

 

Not having any close friends or family here, I mentioned to some women in the class that I take for my own workouts that I was having issues with my GF and since its such different culture thought they might have some clues how to fix the issue with my woman. I was so stressed and rattled that I also talked with other instructors at the gym, store clerks I see everyday..basically I couldn't shut up about it. I was so blinded by the pain this relationship was bringing me, I could not see the damage I was doing to my various relationships before it was too late.

 

Now many of these people dont see me the same way or respect me since I let this issue with my GF go on for so long. I kept asking advice but I was not willing to do what they suggested (break up) since I was still thinking I could salvage it. They grew tired of hearing the same story and lost respect for me.

 

She dumped me 3 weeks ago so I dont even have her to show for everything that happened. Im not blaming her or my aquaitances, it was my fault I know. I just overshared and reached out to people that are not really invested in me or know me that well. Gossip started and now most folks in the gym where I work and work out myself dont treat m the same. It sucks because NOW is when I need social life to get through the pain of the break up.

 

Ive apologized a few times and stopped talking about the issue. I told them we are not together anymore and im acting more like my old self.

 

Some people are coming around and more forgiving than others. But some of these relationships and some of my clients will not forget it. its a hard pill to swallow and I know beating myself up wont help. The more I try to interact with the ones who are most rejecting of me, the more its obvious im trying to hard and they seem to be getting more annoyed. Kind of what I did with my GF as she grew distant. Surprise surprise. Well, with her its over, but I need to repair my social and business reputation, but I cant control the gossip and what people perceive. What can I do? I know ...learn the lesson, but what else?

 

Thank you

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I suggest you seek some counselling and take care of yourself first. You don't need to drive yourself insane worrying about what people think of you. You're not going to gain that respect back from them over night, it takes time. Re-build your self respect and in time your business reputation will hopefully improve. You've got nothing to prove to those who refuse to understand your inner battles. Take care of you first.

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Only confide in very close friends and family. You can call these people rather than emotionally overtaxing gym acquaintances, especially women who may misinterpret that kind of crying on their shoulders as a come on. From now on go to work to work. Treat all clients male, female, whatever the same. Do not flirt or come on to women there.

 

Improve your social media presence as well to be more professional. Use other avenues to confide or make friends or meet women. For example take some language or local cooking classes, volunteer, join some groups or clubs, try a support group to confide your problems. etc. Get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting women but Do Not talk about your ex/breakup. In fact only burden close friends, family or therapists with that type of thing. See a doctor about your anxiety/depression. Stop blame your ex for "causing" that.

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There is really nothing more you can do, but take a step back and stop trying to make it all right. You have apologized, informed them you've broken up, and that's about all you can reasonably do.

 

I think the issue for a lot of people isn't so much your toxic relationship in and of itself, but the fact that you appear to lack appropriate boundaries. That is off-putting for people, because it's quite awkward to know what to say or do when someone you don't know well is unloading their personal problems. I imagine many sympathize but are still a bit (to be blunt) weirded out by your behaviour. It reminds me of a woman I once met who seemed like she could become a cool friend but almost immediately started oversharing about her marital problems; I was uncomfortable being her confidante since I hardly knew her. Quickly, I grew tired of being her emotional dumping ground and stopped responding to her messages.

 

I would focus on developing new friendships, and learning how to apply context-appropriate social and professional filters. It will probably be hard to change people's pre-existing impression of you, but you can work on developing new skills with new folks.

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So since you can’t do the “ please let me prove to you I’m worthy” with your ex girlfriend you’re now transferring all that unhealthy energy to your colleagues thus still pulling them into your sh*t. That’s not fair to them. If the bridge has been burned and they don’t want to rebuild you can’t force it. In other words stop trying to make people like/love you.

 

Look man you could solved a whole lot of this by seeing a great counselor. And honestly I’d bring all your posts with you so he/she can get a clear picture.

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What you do is get a grip on yourself and STOP. Seems that rejection or even perceived rejection of any kind triggers you to act out in frantic, needy, annoying, out of control ways. Instead of backing off and letting people breathe and come around to you, you want to control and push for what you want at all costs. No surprise that all you get is the opposite of what you want - you push people away. At 50, you really are too old to be so immature. Get counseling or just get a grip already.

 

If you get into a toxic relationship, whine everyone's ears off about it but never take any constructive advice given, yes people will get fed up with you and distance themselves. This is a normal reaction, but not the kind of horrible negative you are making it out to be. Meaning that once you stop the behavior and get back to yourself and being normal and making better decisions, people will drift back.....assuming that you don't continue to cause more drama. Right now you ARE continuing on and on with more drama, you've just shifted the drama from your ex to ...well....everyone else within earshot. So stop. Shut your mouth and I'm not being rude, I'm being serious. Literally the moment you feel that compulsion to "fix" and talk and have verbal diarrhea, shut it down immediately. Talk about the weather instead or the cool exercise you want to try. What you do is give yourself a serious time out. Go on vacation, go visit your family, take a break, let things die down. If you can't leave, then just let things die down. Redemption requires time and patience, not pushing for results, aka drama, like a runaway bulldozer.

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Thank you, great feedback.

@rayoflighten: thank you solid advice. I have sought counseling during and after the relationship (now). I wish I could have afforded to go many times per week but couldn't as it's quite expensive. irs just now post breakup I wish I didn't tarnish those friendly light relationships since it's exactly what need right now. But I'll focus on improving and learning from this

 

@wiseman2: I did not confide in these women as a come on and they didn't interpret as such. They offered their advice and were very supportive but I should not have tried to create that type dynamics c with them. Not sure if you have ever been in such emotional pain that you couldn't see how your actions were being perceiving but that's what happened. As mentioned above I was a wreck over this and did seek counseling but even with that was hard. I agree to from now keep work about work and I've learned this lesson. I was just seeing best way to repair if any as I like these people socially as gym mates. I think I said I'm my post a few times I don't blame anyone for my choices. I was not depressed before getting involved with this person, but I did have trouble walking away which is on me. I am seeing therapist now.

 

@misscannuck: agree with what you wrote makes sense. Again they seemed very eager at first to listen but I overdid it and more to the point should not have even discussed and kept that sphere of my life "pristine" so to speak. I do need to work on filters and boundaries. I will continue to do so and learn from this. I won't make extra efforts with them anymore m

 

@figureitout: i was perplexed that these people initially wabyed to help, but judged me because I wasn't in a strong enough position to take advantage of their advice. I guess they felt I wasted their time or didn't value their input. I did. I just wasn't in a place yet to break off with her since as I've said before I'm in foreign county with no close friends of family. I need to work on that. I seeing counselor but I can't go every day because it's expensive. Bit I'll never use friends or colleagues as therapists again. I've leaned the lesson. My therapist knows well about all this. You are right in that I don't handle rejection well and that's low self esteem. I'm working on that to at least make use of this whole y experience I created.

 

Thanks for your input everyone. Appreciate it

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Dancing fool You have me pegged. Great advice. Just because I'm 50 though and haven't addressed these emotional reactions doesn't mean it's too late. everyone evolves at their own rate. Everyone's demons and pain from life experience is different. I guess they say life will keep handing you the lesson you need to learn until you do. I'm just stupid emotionally and socially and I guess didn't have good role models for that. But I want to finally fix this even though I'm 50. I will shut up that's great advice as is taking some time away. Thank you very much

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Dancing fool You have me pegged. Great advice. Just because I'm 50 though and haven't addressed these emotional reactions doesn't mean it's too late. everyone evolves at their own rate. Everyone's demons and pain from life experience is different. I guess they say life will keep handing you the lesson you need to learn until you do. I'm just stupid emotionally and socially and I guess didn't have good role models for that. But I want to finally fix this even though I'm 50. I will shut up that's great advice as is taking some time away. Thank you very much

 

Of course it's never too late and as the saying goes, late is better than never. Start learning how to reign in your emotions. If your emotions control you, then they'll take advantage of you, your life, your relationships and basically wreck it all. Emotions are good to a point, as in we are supposed to feel things, but we also have a brain to control and limit those emotions so they don't get out of hand and turn into a destructive force in our lives. You train yourself in that just like you can train your body at the gym. The approach might be different, but the principles of discipline are the same.

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You can't undo the past. We all make mistakes. I know I've made a lot of mistakes. All you can do is readjust, change yourself, know your boundaries with others, show class, grace and kindness. It's all you can do. And, give it lots of time. People eventually come around and trust that you will behave properly. However, it requires your patience because people don't just bounce back even though you can. A lot of people are a forgiving lot. They won't forget how you had "loose lips" in the past but if they observe your sincere effort to be a good, PRIVATE person for a long time, then they'll be cordial and courteous to you in return. If they continue to snub you, you remain natural and polite always and conduct your life with good manners, poise, aplomb, professionalism (at work settings) and live a normal, calm life. Don't run away from shame or embarrassment. Transform yourself into the person you want to be and you'll be fine. This too shall pass.

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Trust in time to heal your rep IF you turn on the professionalism and avoid making other people's experiences about you. This doesn't mean turning cold, but it does mean to skip being overly friendly and trying to bond with customers on the level of friendship. Be kind and invested in your customers' goals and the right physical moves and mental focus for THEM.

 

Reserve your social life for outside of work. Consider using the internet to find groups, clubs, volunteer opportunities and go into these as warm but reserved. Participate without neediness, and you'll find that over time, people will become more familiar. Some people will become acquaintances and from there a subset may evolve into friends--but not if you treat them as therapists.

 

Hire a therapist, instead. Discuss your mistakes and your need for some social polish. Often you'll find that making your exchanges about the other rather than yourself encourages trust, and with trust comes more of an interest in you. Learning not to abuse that interest is important in cultivating friendships, as well as learning how to relax and just be a good listener.

 

The biggest ascent I ever made in building friendships and stronger bonds with family was when I struggled with anxiety after a hurricane. I had lost all of my possessions and had to move. My best tool for keeping myself together was to behave in ways to prevent people from worrying about me. I devoted my attention to making my time with others about them, not me. I didn't have the energy to be 'on' all the time, and this worked in my favor. It took the edge off of trying too hard, and instead it allowed me to be quiet and listen to people talk about themselves. I'd inject a bit of humor or ask questions to learn more, but I shut down the part of me that got in the way of sincere interest in supporting others.

 

So use this time to shock yourself into piping down and learning the power of invisibility. Go low key, save your high energy for workouts, and use a gentle approach with others as you heal your way into learning empathy and respect as your best friendship tools.

 

Head high, this could be a turning point and become the best thing that's ever happened to you. Use it wisely.

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I dont know what to say..your post really moved me deeply. 'Grace' is the only word I can use to describe the attitude you are speaking of and displayed during that hard time you went through. I will take these words to heart and reread your post often. I guess for some the default switch when are in pain is to 'take' even in situations where it's not appropriate and that's what iv done.

I made a complete hodgepodge of clients, friends, and acquaintances and a mess of it at that. From now, I will be more aware the clear divisions to be enforced and, more than that, be more silent so that for once I can try to listen more instead of waiting for my turn to talk.

 

So far, I've made improvements with not bringing the issue up at all, unless someone specifically asks and even then I try to keep it short. I am focusing on repairing client relations by providing service and keeping things professional. Some of the people who starting distancing are seeing the change and are already coming around. Focusing on work and finding work has been key.

 

Yesterday, one of my clients (the one I think my ex left me for and was perhaps cheating with - true or not its my gut feeling) came to my class. He has been absent suspiciously since the break up and not attended my class. I was tempted to mention her to him in an indirect way to see if he flinched. I also didnt want him there because of the strong negative association I have with him connected to her and the break up (if only by suspicion). But I refrained and I smiled and didnt say anything. It was hard but I did it. He contacted me later thanking me for a great class. I simply said im glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the nice feedback. I really wish he would stop coming because its hard for me to deal with, but I can use as a way to get used to professionalism when emotions are present.

 

Today I will make more effort to listen more and talk less. I will also look for groups and volunteer opportunities. Thank you again for the great advice.

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Great work, HP! We can never convince anyone of our sincerity by speaking, we can only demonstrate it over t.i.m.e.. You're doing that, and you're already noticing good results just by calming down and stepping out of your own way.

 

Not all results are instant, but when I made the decision to attempt ONE DAY of practicing 'ego invisibility,' the calming and anchoring felt so liberating, I decided to do it again the next day, and the one after that, until the habit became my default mode of operating. I have rarely, if ever, returned to my old tap-dancing ways.

 

One practice that enhances this skill is a few minutes a day of meditation. It's not true that your mind must be cleared of all thoughts as you do this. That's like making it a goal to stop your own heartbeat. You can, however, slow your heartbeat and any racing thoughts by using this time to focus on an anti-anxiety method called 'square breathing'. Breathe in to the count of 4, hold to the count of 4, breathe out to the count of 4, hold to the count of 4. Repeat and focus on slowing your count for longer and longer intervals.

 

If you sit up and do this in the morning on waking for one or two minutes, you can either add more time over the course of weeks or not, you'll still gain the benefits of practice. You can research these benefits in an Internet search, but the biggest one for me has been an instant ability to adopt this breathing any time, anywhere, whenever I feel stressed. It's one of the most recommended stress reducers by therapists and it has aided people in avoiding medications or weaning themselves off of those.

 

From now, I will be more aware the clear divisions to be enforced and, more than that, be more silent so that for once I can try to listen more instead of waiting for my turn to talk.

 

Excellent! Relax into a trust that if there is anything important for you to say, you'll have no trouble retrieving it at the appropriate time. However, this practice can teach us all that most of what we believe is important is not. It's attention-seeking, which usually has the opposite impact than we intend. It drives a wedge between ourselves and others by sending the message, "What you share with me is not important to me; I'm only interested in reclaiming the spotlight to show off." Stepping outside of that habit to send a message instead that says, "I hear you," not only encourages trust from others, it declutters the mind and enables us to trust our highest intelligence to operate as needed.

 

I am focusing on repairing client relations by providing service and keeping things professional. Some of the people who starting distancing are seeing the change and are already coming around. Focusing on work and finding work has been key.

 

Good! When we love what we do, keeping our focus upon it to the exclusion of seeking recognition comes naturally. We are self-rewarded, and so concerns about external rewards drop away and we actually become even better at what we do.

 

Yesterday, one of my clients [..] contacted me later thanking me for a great class. I simply said I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the nice feedback. [...] I can use as a way to get used to professionalism when emotions are present.

 

Well done, especially your recognition of the opportunity that challenging people can present. There are no advantages to projecting 'stuff' onto anyone. Our own painful experiences can either be used to enhance our confidence in our resilience as a life skill, or they can be used as barriers to stagnate around. Practice neutralizing your projections in the first place--then you won't need to combat your emotions about them. You can allow your intellect to work in your favor instead of against yourself. Getting hung up on suspicions about someone who can only matter to the degree that YOU decide that they 'must,' is self-fulfilling angst--and for what purpose?

 

This isn't to say that enlightened thinking is some sterile state where nothing and nobody matters to us. Just the opposite. It's a mastery of control over selection--which emotional connections are productive and rewarding versus those that are miserable and ridiculous displays of insecurity confused with dominance. Territorial dominance is the stuff of animal kingdoms or bar room brawls that matter to nobody but the impaired. Evolved self control knows no need to sneer or pose for anyone, because by definition, the only true dominance that exists is control over one's own mind.

 

Head high, and enjOy your new focus.

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hp1, It's never too late to change and you are changing and improving for the better. Life is full of learning experiences. We find out what works and what had failed miserably in the past. As time goes by, you'll become wiser and wiser. EVERYONE makes mistakes. You're not the only one. The difference is between those who learn from those mistakes and does something about it vs. those who repeat same mistakes habitually, never admired and respected. You are in the camp where you're intelligent enough to know how you can change for yourself, for others, be a person you can respect in yourself and others will know you are a good, very decent human being. You will be alright!

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Thank you so much for your replies. Really appreciate the time and effort to do so. Actually I Had a pretty consistent meditation practice for some years, but fell out of the routine. I've since started again and it helps for sure. I'm not enlightened enough yet to not feel anger and frustration at the way I was left by my ex and the circumstances around it, but I'm at least refraining from making worse. I can say I am very unfound of (to put it mildly) of this client who I know played a role in at least accelerating the demise of my relationship. Ultimately it was her decision I know. But as I said I'm still very much in the middle of emotions and hurt and feeling betrayed. As far as friends and clients go, that part I can more easily step into a detached state and continue to step out of my own way. It's only been 3 weeks since she dumped me and she sabotaged the relationship with disrespect towards me to try to force me to end it for months. I'm not there yet on being ok with what she did and what this client did, but I accept that I allowed myself to stay in that situation. But I digress, that is my other thread.

 

Will continue making mindfulness a priority and being less reactive to those who may not want to notice or care about these changes.

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Yes, being mindful is key. Err on the side of caution by keeping your mouth shut. It is safer. You don't want regrets after you wake up tomorrow morning and regret by asking yourself, "Why did I say that?" This is the same whether verbal or written. It's about changing the way you think and self-control.

 

People can't always say and write exactly what they think because often times it could very well get them into trouble. Dealing with trouble later, isn't worth the risk and hassle not to mention a ruined reputation. Always think first and ask yourself if it's a prudent decision. Be wise because being intelligent will make your life easier, more peaceful, smoother, prevents undue angst and stress. Think before you act.

 

All of this takes a lifetime of practice. Live and learn the hard way. I've never learned the easy way. Life's harsh experiences including people's reactions taught me what not to do and what to do in my current life and in the future. Life will teach you to navigate your life wisely.

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