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Thread: Is this really 'space'?

  1. #1

    Is this really 'space'?

    Hi, I'm not sure if I'm over reacting here but I know I probably have at some point due to shock.

    My boyfriend and I have been on/off for 5 years. In that time we've always loved each other but circumstances came along that caused conflict and for each of us to get cold feet. Anyway, about 18 months ago after taking a holiday together we finally opened up, talked, cried and decided to fully commit. My partner sold his house and we started renting a place 6 months ago together whilst we save the rest of a deposit to buy next year. We've had a wonderful 15 months. Only one disagreement that we sorted swiftly and we do so much together. My partner is considerate, loving and supportive in every way and we work well together as a team.

    A few days ago I noticed a sudden change in him. He dismissed it as stress at work and I reassured him. Then we suddenly argued over him not coming home from work, a brief telephone conversation about his meal being ready but he'd gone to the pub and said his meal wasn't important. I got upset as he'd normally text me to say he'd be going out after work for a beer so that I wouldn't make him food. We always communicate well and are respectful to each other. Anyway I just went to bed and my teenage daughter was downstairs. My partner came home at 9 and couldn't get in as I'd accidentally left my key in the door. He didn't knock though or alert my daughter, I just got a text and he had gone. I texted to ask him why he didn't knock and he responded saying I'm playing mind games. He stayed out all night at his mums empty house and called home yesterday for clean clothes etc. He didn't speak but texted afterwards to say he's gonna stay at his mums for a few days as he's unsure why he's not feeling himself and we've been in this situation before. I replied and was upset saying he can't just disappear over something so silly. He's not replied. That was 24 hours ago. I'm currently stunned, I don't know if he'll come back. We just booked 2 holidays (his decision ) for later this year and one of which he's paid in full and we spent a weekend away 5 days ago which we both enjoyed. He chooses to spend his free time with me and I always encourage him to have man time too and we balance that well. In fact he cancelled a guys night a week ago as he said it was too cold and he'd rather spend it with me. I'm not clingy or needy and I honestly thought life was pretty good.

    I'm currently in limbo. I'm in a house I cannot afford on my own and the rent is due in 5 days. We split everything 50/50 and there's no money issues.
    Advice much appreciated

  2. #2
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    This is why on and off relationships typically are not healthy. You get used to your partner suddenly going cold, and these types of behaviors are normalized. The person for you will want to commit and will not periodically pull disappearing acts or throw tantrums over minor conflicts.

    I know it isn't easy, but this time maybe you should just let him go. Stop holding onto an involvement that isn't consistent and progressing in intimacy. You'd be better off taking some time to get over him and then trying out a relationship with someone new (no contact with this person would be essential for moving on and making it work with someone new).

  3. #3
    Silver Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Icedgem1234
    Hi, I'm not sure if I'm over reacting here but I know I probably have at some point due to shock.

    My boyfriend and I have been on/off for 5 years. In that time we've always loved each other but circumstances came along that caused conflict and for each of us to get cold feet. Anyway, about 18 months ago after taking a holiday together we finally opened up, talked, cried and decided to fully commit. My partner sold his house and we started renting a place 6 months ago together whilst we save the rest of a deposit to buy next year. We've had a wonderful 15 months. Only one disagreement that we sorted swiftly and we do so much together. My partner is considerate, loving and supportive in every way and we work well together as a team.

    A few days ago I noticed a sudden change in him. He dismissed it as stress at work and I reassured him. Then we suddenly argued over him not coming home from work, a brief telephone conversation about his meal being ready but he'd gone to the pub and said his meal wasn't important. I got upset as he'd normally text me to say he'd be going out after work for a beer so that I wouldn't make him food. We always communicate well and are respectful to each other. Anyway I just went to bed and my teenage daughter was downstairs. My partner came home at 9 and couldn't get in as I'd accidentally left my key in the door. He didn't knock though or alert my daughter, I just got a text and he had gone. I texted to ask him why he didn't knock and he responded saying I'm playing mind games. He stayed out all night at his mums empty house and called home yesterday for clean clothes etc. He didn't speak but texted afterwards to say he's gonna stay at his mums for a few days as he's unsure why he's not feeling himself and we've been in this situation before. I replied and was upset saying he can't just disappear over something so silly. He's not replied. That was 24 hours ago. I'm currently stunned, I don't know if he'll come back. We just booked 2 holidays (his decision ) for later this year and one of which he's paid in full and we spent a weekend away 5 days ago which we both enjoyed. He chooses to spend his free time with me and I always encourage him to have man time too and we balance that well. In fact he cancelled a guys night a week ago as he said it was too cold and he'd rather spend it with me. I'm not clingy or needy and I honestly thought life was pretty good.

    I'm currently in limbo. I'm in a house I cannot afford on my own and the rent is due in 5 days. We split everything 50/50 and there's no money issues.
    Advice much appreciated

    You might get much better advice if you put everything into context and told us the cause of your problems.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Did he meet someone? Try to look for roommates to defray costs. Sever all ties with him financially and as far as the home.

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