Jump to content

"I Am Not Responsible For My Family"


Recommended Posts

Dear, long-lost ENA'ers! (Or am I the one long-lost?)

 

It's been many, many ages since I posted a question on this forum, and I have missed this community greatly over the last few months (and years), as I've had to leap-frog from personal trial to personal trial. Knowing you are here to return to is a blessing. This is truly one of the best url's on the internet.

 

I'm going to try to sum up a very complex situation, but there is some backstory. Yes, THIS IS A LONG POST -- MY APOLOGIES! I hope some will read it.

 

My mother, now 81, has been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I have cared for, as a respire caregiver, and seen up close and personal, a number of Alzheimer's patients. I know the statistics, that it is THE most expensive and exhausting (to everyone in a family) degenerative disease to die of. I know the stages and how it manifests at those stages. But no amount of knowing prepares you for your own parent facing this prognosis of slow self-dissolution.

 

My grieving has only begun because of the whirlwind of legal and financial tasks that are now upon me, including assuming time-consuming roles (such as Power of Attorney). The learning curve has been steep.

 

So far, nothing terribly original, but here's where it gets unusual: I worked and studied ferociously hard in my 20's to get ahead, had a shining academic and professional future -- but was felled by a chronic, painful, complex illness that has no cure. I've been on disability and receiving federal and state benefits ever since. Not many years after that, my older sister encountered the same situation, and likewise had to file for disability. Since these turns of fate, we have both been living many times below the poverty line and trying to make something of our lives despite the fact that trying to get out of this system would mean jeopardizing the very key medical benefits that we rely upon. The broken system is just one outrageous indignity of many, but it's worth mentioning, since it points up the fact that ambition, enterprising spirit, and willpower have never stood in the way of my progress towards a more secure material life; the culprit is the way the bureaucracy is structured. The tiny sum is not enough for any human being to live on, and to top it off, I live in the most costly state in the country. In addition, I have a lot of out-of-pocket medical expenses which have only been covered because my mother paid for them out of her very modest, fixed retirement income. I would probably have perished long ago had she not been able to help in this way.

 

There were a number of triggers for the illness in both our cases, and genes may have pre-loaded the gun, but safe to say, I believe the start of it was extreme PTSD in childhood, as the result of parental abuse, specifically by my father. Emotional, physical, verbal, psychological (and perhaps even sexual, that's debatable) abuse. And not garden variety abuse, either. Possibly the best way of describing it was like living in a cult, under a totalitarian cult leader -- my dad.

 

My younger sister (the baby) managed to break free of the dysfunction fairly unscathed for the most part, at least at the face of it. We all agree that my older sister and I bore the brunt of it all (I, being the most hard-hit). So, in her 20's, my younger sister went on the way is normally expected: she got through graduate school, met her life mate, they moved to where he could get a good job, and married. Some years after that, in her 30's, she had an only child, a son who is now almost 12 years old.

 

Now well-established in the STEM field, at the very top of his game in an academic elite position, my brother-in-law is earning well into the 6 figures. My sister's degree was in an artistic performance field, so the tiny bit of income she brings to the family is entirely eclipsed by his contribution. In fact, she owes her entire career to him, since without his resources, she never could have risen to the point she's at now, where she commands respect and admiration in her field, even though if she had to rely on it to live, her need for a "day job" would preclude her having the career she has in the first place. She has literally not had to work a day in her life, thanks to him (and my dad, who paid off all her college debt).

 

Needless to say, they have every comfort of the typical white, suburban family, living in one of the wealthiest districts in their state, and providing everything for their child any privileged kid could need or want, and then some.

 

I have not begrudged her any of these things, and in fact we have been best, dear friends all of our lives. Until now. And it feels like we are coming undone. Because now, we are encountering the question of how my mom will be supported as she declines and we are fast becoming "that family" -- "that family" that is broken apart by How to Take Care of Mom or Dad in Their Later Years. My mom's income wouldn't be enough on its own to pay for long-term facility care, by several thousand dollars a month. She does have some assets that are worth something, but not enough to lift anyone out of poverty. And these, she intends to divest herself of, leaving them to my older sister and me in a special type of trust fund. When she does that, she will be poor enough to be eligible for a state-subsidized long-term care home. And these homes are "you get what you pay for": lonely, malnourishing, fetid pre-death warehouses where people are often neglected by underpaid staff.

 

So this is the picture: two adult children, among the "have-nots", through no fault of their own, dealing with a lifetime of recovery; their mother, who is going down with the most expensive disease that exists. And one child who is set for life with a husband who has money saved up to last his son's lifetime, his own lifetime, their retirement, and they will probably even have a lot more than that after his inheritance from a father whose profession is the most lucrative in the country.

 

And this sister said that they do not have the money to regularly contribute anything to the mother's care (which is to say, to defray costs for all of us). This sister and brother-in-law have drawn a line in the sand, saying that "the money just isn't there". In a frank and demoralizing conversation with them, he told me he just doesn't have the money because it's all going to things they need, there's none to spare or left over for what will be increasing care needs of my mother, to keep her out of a home for as long as possible.

 

It probably wouldn't feel as wrenching if she weren't in total agreement with him. She has told me all our lives that she's my friend no matter what, and that she would be there for me. We swore an oath when we were very young, and it was renewed often, that we would always be there if the other needed it. Well I am going to be destitute, and our MOTHER is, too. But as this situation has evolved, she's said to me, "I'm not here to save you. I have a family that comes first. I'm sorry that you have had the troubles that you have, and I'll help in any other way I can, but I'm not responsible for this family's past, or troubles." She even said her therapist backed her up, supporting these choices as "healthy boundaries." She told me, "This isn't my problem, it's yours. It's Mom's. I have nothing to gain by putting my time, money and energy into this." She even said that she feels she is being "punished" for things that she did not have anything to do with, by being "put in this position". I have long felt deep down, despite our lifelong bond, she has a strong need to flee our past, to keep running from it. And although I've been a loyal big sister all her life, "providing" for her in uncountable non-material ways, she sees my need as a reminder of what she is fleeing, and a threat to her own comfort and security.

 

I can't imagine telling her that her problems aren't mine. This is not my vision of "family". These aren't my values. This is not a person I recognize as my kin anymore. It's amazing how this thing we call money can change priorities. I have never believed that money is a measure of love. What a crass idea. And yet. Sometimes, it's the thing that is most needed.

 

You know, I am not privy to their income...and so how am I to judge? On the other hand, if a family with their status "can't afford" to pay for a mother-in-law's illness, WHO CAN? And what person tells their spouse that her mother should fend for herself, along with her disabled sisters? I have seen folks FAR below their means find ways. She keeps saying that helping us would jeopardize their own lives and her sanity, and I just don't see that in the reality I know and understand.

 

What happened to us being there for eachother? What happened to coming together during adversity? What about the aunt that I have been to their child, through some harrowing experiences, and as a person for this child to turn to in the future? What about loyalty to "blood"? Even just to "duty"? I know she has never been close to our mother, and I have had much to forgive my mother for. But she is my MOTHER. OUR mother.

 

I have never believed that I am entitled to something that isn't mine, but on the other hand, I would give the very shirt off my back for her or hers.

 

Enough for now -- it's already a crazy long post.

 

I want to know what people believe, as their "responsibility" to family goes -- not just your own immediate family, and not just to the ones you adore, but the in-laws you married into, and extended family.

 

I feel betrayed.

Link to comment

Oh, just to be clear, where I said this:

 

"She told me, 'This isn't my problem, it's yours. It's Mom's. I have nothing to gain by putting my time, money and energy into this.'" -- I should add, she HAS put a lot of time and energy into some of the planning process with financial and legal matters. But she is a transitional party in those activities, soon to be liberated from them. And what she said more specifically is that, while she cares and wants to help, "I get nothing out of this except that I care for my family." As if it's all a big favor, and an act of great altruism.

 

If I could only find a way to wave away the stain of feeling the need to ask. This is a consummate slap in the face to the pride and dignity I sought, coming into my own, when I planned to leave the family and proclaim my independence. Even all dastardly money matters aside, I would never let her believe that the care I bestow is a gratuity.

Link to comment

Wow, 😔 I am sorry. We are dealing similar issues. My husband’s father has Parkinson’s with dementia and he is moderate stage now in dementia getting to severe. They only want their daughter to help them . Or us if we lived there . They have the money for their own care but refuse to spend it and want to rely exclusively on their daughter . And their daughter lashes out at us . But nobody’s employer just lets them up and go off and look after your parents whenever you like . So it is hard.

 

As far as your sister goes if she ever needs a thing , anything, for any reason I would tell her to stick it.

Link to comment

Hi ToV, glad to see that you are back on the forum, I was missing your long, well-thought out posts. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with chronic ilness and that your mother's health is in decline.

 

While I understand your feeling hurt and betrayed by your youngest sister's reaction, I must say that actually you are having unfair expectations of her footing the bill for your mother's treatment. From the way you write about your youngest sister it seems to me that you are resentful and envious of your sister's success in life and that somehow you expect her to pay for the fact that she left a toxic family unscathed. I personally do not see anything wrong that your youngest sister prefers to focus on her current life, rather than rehash a poignant past. This is called moving on, and what is recommended by the majority of the people here who give advice. The excerpt below shows how little your value your sister's achievements by your attributing all of her success to her husband. This is pure sign of envy on your side:

 

Now well-established in the STEM field, at the very top of his game in an academic elite position, my brother-in-law is earning well into the 6 figures. My sister's degree was in an artistic performance field, so the tiny bit of income she brings to the family is entirely eclipsed by his contribution. In fact, she owes her entire career to him, since without his resources, she never could have risen to the point she's at now, where she commands respect and admiration in her field, even though if she had to rely on it to live, her need for a "day job" would preclude her having the career she has in the first place. She has literally not had to work a day in her life, thanks to him (and my dad, who paid off all her college debt).

 

Vey often you have given the advice to other posters to look inside for answers, perhaps this time is your turn to that.

 

As for the practical matters, since you are saying that your mother's inheritance will be put in a trust fund that will only benefit you and your older sister, excluding your youngest sister, then I do not understand how you could request your youngest sister to foot the bill, while you and your older sister are the only beneficiaries of the inheritance.

She [your mother] does have some assets that are worth something, but not enough to lift anyone out of poverty. And these, she intends to divest herself of, leaving them to my older sister and me in a special type of trust fund.

Also your mother has been financially helping YOU with your medical bills, not your youngest sister, so on a quid pro quo basis, you are the one who will have to repay the gesture.

 

From the moment an adult starts their own family, their main priority should be their offspring and spouse. In this respect your brother in law has clearly set his priorities and rightfully so; he is under no obligation to pay for his mother-in law. You are talking about the obligation of blood ties, but your brother-in law, who is main earner in your sister's family, has no blood ties with your mother, he is not under any obligation to provide for her. And also not your place to count their assests and how much they earn. Envy again.

 

And last, but not least and I know it is a touchy subject, but what was your mother doing when your father was abusing you and your sisters? Isn't it the mother's oblgation to protect her children from abuse? Your mother's failure to stop your father from abusing you and your sisters is her tacit approval of the abuse. And if I were you, I would seriously question my obligation to take care of somebody who failed to protect me when I were a defenceless child in dire need of protection.

Link to comment

By your own account, your sister is essentially a 100% dependent on her husband and therefore, at his mercy. Her real success seems to be purely that she married a financially successful man. What you don't know is what kind of a man he is behind closed doors and what your sister really has to put up with and deal with in order to sustain her lifestyle. I think you are getting a small taste of it right now as he has rejected contributing anything to the care of his mother in law. Your sister doesn't have any option but to "support" his decision. This is her own survival mode. I'd realistically count her out. She doesn't make her own decisions.

Link to comment

You said expensive state, so I am assuming, NY, CA, or HI. Move all her money into your account and hide it. Get her set up with Medicaid. With Medicaid, you can get paid in most states as their caregiver, https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/info-2017/you-can-get-paid-as-a-family-caregiver.html

 

Your little sister? It's normal to feel jealous, but everything has cracks when you look close enough.

Link to comment
Wow, 😔 I am sorry. We are dealing similar issues. My husband’s father has Parkinson’s with dementia and he is moderate stage now in dementia getting to severe. They only want their daughter to help them . Or us if we lived there . They have the money for their own care but refuse to spend it and want to rely exclusively on their daughter . And their daughter lashes out at us . But nobody’s employer just lets them up and go off and look after your parents whenever you like . So it is hard.

 

As far as your sister goes if she ever needs a thing , anything, for any reason I would tell her to stick it.

 

Thank you, S. I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this, too, but in a kind of "ripple effect" way. I wonder why your father-in-law does not want your husband's help? Would you wish to help him/them? How do you feel about them not wanting your help?

 

Having enough money to take care of themselves easily without their daughter's help but preying on her is unconscienable. It seems that from the counselors, hotlines, and and helping professionals I've talked to, as well as caregiver support group leaders, there is usually an imbalance of who bears this burden with parents.

 

And I think the question arises here..."enough money". What is "enough"? When does someone have "enough money" to pay for what they need? And what is "need"? These questions have arisen from this. It seems kind of arbitrary. My brother-in-law and sister say they don't have "enough" money to help. How much WOULD be "enough" in their mind, or is there any amount that would be "enough" in their minds, short of being multi-millionaires? And in your case, do your parents believe they DON'T have enough, even though you do think so? Are there any objective answers here we can point to, hard numbers? Sticky questions. I have based my assessments on what I see others doing (and I saw a lot, volunteering with hospice) and what I see as the cost of living, and the kind of life someone is able to afford, and what I see with them is a lot of luxuries that anyone should be able to enjoy if they have the money, but would not be considered "necessities" if one wanted to put that instead towards a sick close relative. Which is a choice and a set of priorities, not a survival issue.

 

As I was researching this topic online (what family does in situations like this), so I could get a sense of what reasonably happens "out there", I saw article after article talking about how the Millennial generation is now hard-hit by such situations, and many are leaving work situations to geographically relocate to stay with an ailing parent, and often it falls to one person living closer, but that it's a common issue now that children give up work positions to do this for their parents, to take care of them and they get cuts in pay, retirement savings, and make huge sacrifices like that, especially if they are only children. I'm really very touched by these stories, because that's a LOT to give up and seems too much. As a parent, I wouldn't want my child to jeopardize their life savings to that extent, but it happens.

Link to comment
Does she have her will/estate in order? Who is the executor and who are the beneficiaries? If siblings have severed ties and washed their hands of family, there's not much you can convince them to do.

 

The short answer is yes, to having the estate in order. It's a living trust fund in her name, and soon will be converted to two separate "Special Needs Trusts" for her two children who have disabilities, which legally transfers the money out of her name. This helps her qualify for state-subsidized nursing homes down the roads, because she will have no money to live on. (This is what estate-planning lawyers advise, by the way.) However, even if I draw on that trust money, in order to keep it solvent, the amount I could withdraw would still have me well below the poverty line, so it's not like I'm suddenly flush with trust fund money, and these SNTs would have Trustees (executors) -- so, it's not considered "my money" under the law. Me and my sister are the beneficiaries, technically, but there is only so much that can be withdrawn without cutting into the principle. We'd still be dirt poor, especially in my case because of the cost of living where I am.

 

All her income would still go to her, but she would no longer be able to help pay for medical bills for me, and other quality-of-life things she's contributed to. It would all go towards chorework providers, in-home health aides, and the like for herself now. And as I said, that would mean utter destitution for us.

 

So that is what I'm saying, in my sister's place, I would not be okay with. If I was doing well enough, I would be asking my husband to put our heads together to figure out some amount we could do without, without it breaking the bank. You are right, Wisemen -- there is nothing I can do to change their minds or convince them. I am clear on that. It's more that I'm grappling with the meaning of that to me. She hasn't "severed ties", she just is not willing to help in materially significant ways. They said that "once in a while" for unusual expenses, they could chip in, but nothing regularly. This illness is a pretty regular drain in expenses, though.

Link to comment

I went thru a similar thing of sorts, except the inlaws lived up north. When they could no longer manage themselves my wife insisted they move to a apartment near us. Fortunately they had the funds. I was doing ok and my wife was not working so she could visit them. She'd make lunch shop dinner etc. When they needed more she found a licensed in home aid for the day eventually adding nights. Again they could afford this and I completely understand your situation is different. I mention all of this only to suggest the possability of looking into a go fund me or one of the many sites that will help raise some thing to help. I don't know if there is tax issues it not but I have a friend with a child with cancer and they have raised tens of thousands. Your story is heartbreaking. I have 3 kids and as they age i worry about their children. My wife never went back to work and I try to save but she is losing her eyesight. She wants to go now while she can see, and I can hardly blame her. But like yourself the assisted facilities provided by the state are terrible. At least in Florida. They come bye at your designated time for a bath and if you aren't up for it,, well you just have to wait till the next day. Bless you. Use the internet and ask lots of questions from different agencies. And take it day by day....

Link to comment

Thanks for weighing in, East4.

 

I of course expected at least one person to express the views that you do, and that was part of the hopes of this thread. That I would get an idea of the split of opinions on this matter. (Even though I suspect this thread will not get enough hits/responses to collect a lot of data points.)

 

There is a lot of stigma that comes with my situation, and the people who stigmatize it are the ones who respond exactly as you do. The shaming element is quite transparent. This could easily be seen by anyone with your orientation as an open-and-shut case of parasitism.

 

I can see where you'd think what you do -- assessing it as envy, jealousy, and resentment would be the low-hanging fruit.

 

I do know that you are quite wrong, about my feelings being driven by envy and resentment of her "successful" life. I specifically said in my OP that I have begrudged her none of her fortune, luck, and wealth, hoping to pre-empt the notions you've expressed along those lines. So either you take me at my word on that or you believe I'm lying to myself. "Looking inside for answers" is something that comes naturally to me, so I have no problem applying that and seeing this: that I am grateful for my sister's blessings, and happy for her that she managed to escape the circumstances that have befallen me. What would another downtrodden sister, and one whom I have emotionally supported all her life (yes, I have supported her in her pursuits!), and felt protective of as her big sister, have done to benefit me? NOTHING.

 

The fact of the matter is that our relationship would have crumbled into alienation years ago, rotted from "envy and resentment", had that been inside me. That hasn't happened, because that's not how I feel. Her better socioeconomic status has been a facet in our lives for 30 years, and only now, I'm dealing with this breakdown.

 

Furthermore, I don't perceive her life as a more worthy life, and I don't feel like a failure. It's taken a long time to beat back those voices, to find my own, to find value and integrity and ways I can be of service. I feel I'm living a life that has its own merits, and some of the things I have, she does not, ironically because I am not of means and so I've had to become creative. Certainly, I would not want to marry a man like her husband (for many reasons), even if he were rich.

 

Bear in mind, too, that the majority of people I call friends and know well, are better off than I am financially and in many cases, are in extraordinarily high places. My life would fast become a sewer of inner poison if I had it in my heart to resent each one. I'm glad to say that is not a governing force within me -- even if and when I have a pang of wishfulness.

 

It is one thing to grieve one's losses, looking around at what others have. It's another thing to feel that no one should have those good things if I don't, and to harbor ill will towards someone for having them. Those are 2 different mindsets, East4. And I do not harbor such ill will. I do not wish my sister had it as rough as I do, I do not wish her to have less than she has. I just wish all three of us children had had an equal opportunity to thrive in all ways, but we didn't.

 

I'll tell you what I resent. What I resent is that she has all her life has depended on someone else to give her not only what she needs for bare survival, and in addition, all the things she thinks she NEEDS for the comforts and joys of life, yet she feels I have no right to hope for any such graces, given my circumstances. It feels hypocritical. And that certainly doesn't feel like friendship -- this is the clincher -- if the shoe were on the other foot, what would she want done for her, in the name of love and sisterhood? Love + passive means have bestowed upon her all that she clings to in her own life, but how dare I imagine anyone would count me that way? THAT is what feels wrong. And it's not like I haven't done other things for HER that she needed, non-materially, to reciprocate in this friendship!

 

And this is not just about me. I am also asking what duty a grown child has to their ailing/aging parent, and in a marriage. Like I said, this is HER MOTHER, too. The mother who sang to her, read her stories, made her lunch every day for school, taught her what she is now teaching her own child.

 

As far as "quid pro quo", I'm not sure what you're saying, except that it seems you feel I owe my mother money back for paying for medical care I couldn't afford. I'm not sure what your concept is of people who are on disability BECAUSE THEY CAN'T AFFORD what abled people CAN afford, but that isn't a situation where a quid pro quo applies. It's N/A.

Link to comment

First and foremost, I am so sorry for you and your mother.

 

I lost my father to Alzheimer's and I know first hand the financial and emotional toll it takes on the family.

 

Though not ideal, your mom will be taken care of. Yes, I agree, state facilities are not anyone's first choice, but with the family acting as advocates the job gets done.

 

I hear your pain and through all of this I hear your fear of wondering how you are going to get by. I don't have an answer for you but your mom did the best she could to see that you and your other sister will benefit from what is left in her estate.

 

So the question here is - what does the youngest sister owe everyone in the mix? Mom's estate is secured, her care will be covered. This comes down to how this impacts you and the other sister and I hate to say it, but I don't believe that little sister and husband have a financial obligation to you. I hear you saying that your desire would be that they would help with Mom's care based on a curve so the money in the estate goes to providing for you and your sister, as your mother intended. Would it be nice? Yes. But they aren't obligated. I'm sorry. That is hard for me say.

 

Besides, they may not share the same view as you in your mothers care and what facility she goes to. It doesn't make them wrong, but more so just a different perspective than yours. That is their right.

 

I am currently dealing my mom's estate at this moment and my brother and I are co trustees. He's retired, his wife is wealthy and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I've had to push the notion out of my mind that I've been the caregiver of my parents during the difficult times, where he hasn't. There was decade or more he wasn't even involved with any of us. But none of that matters now. My parent's loved us both equally and more often than not, an estate, as well as the burden of care giving isn't divided by an equal curve. It's rarely ever fair and it's just the way it shakes out.

 

As you just shared there are a lot of layers to these situations, emotional, financial and otherwise. In a perfect world we should plan accordingly so we don't burden our kids. Just know you are not alone in this. Honestly, it's pretty universal.

 

I see both sides, but we will ultimately be disappointed when we have expectations of others, even when it's our own family members and especially where money is concerned.

 

I am sensing this is mostly the fear and grief talking for you right now and I hope you have some peace and strength to hold your through with all that's ahead.

Link to comment

TOV I have more to write I think but wanted to dash this off -apologies if abrupt. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My father died of Alzheimers and was finally diagnosed less than a year before his death and the financial/legal stuff was a mess which I helped un-mess. Yes, he went on state assistance after much difficulty -legally and financially.

 

As far as your sister, if she raised her child and did not have 24/7 help then she did work as a full time mother despite not working outside the home. I understand you cannot relate as much to her lifestyle and choices and it's probably vice versa. Also please cut her slack since this money is her husband's not hers -it is "theirs" but for this purpose it is his and she probably is having some challenges or struggles approaching him for the kind of financial help your mother would need. I'm sorry that's so upsetting and I can imagine why you are frustrated. But please try to see it from her perspective. And who knows what she told her therapist and what was the reply.

 

Alzheimers is so darn cruel, I know and I'm sorry. I would look into state run facilities since other kinds of care is just prohibitively expensive. And yes look into the "look back" as far as keeping her savings for her. I mean to do it in a legal way of course.

 

I wish you all the best and hope to help here.

Link to comment

Alzheimers is so darn cruel, I know and I'm sorry. I would look into state run facilities since other kinds of care is just prohibitively expensive. And yes look into the "look back" as far as keeping her savings for her. I mean to do it in a legal way of course.

 

.

My father who had Alzheimer's, actually died of a heart attack while in a long term care facility. His costs were based on his needs and the needs were growing exponentially. At the time of his death, my mother was writing monthly checks that were nearing $7000 a month. This was back in 2006. Add in the fact she had her own modest living expenses to deal with at the same time.

 

He was otherwise in good health and I can't even dare to guess how long he would have lived had the heart attack not taken him.

 

Don't be too proud to go to a state facility. I would have done it if I had to, but I would be sure to be there on a daily basis.

 

I get it. It's a gut wrenching decision and devastating for all those affected.

Link to comment

To be honest, everything in me is repelled by what your sister is doing. It goes against everything I believe in.

I understand the feeling you have of betrayal.

 

I'm keeping this short for now, as I feel all these strong emotions reading your posts.

 

Here's what it boils down to. No, you can't count on her to step up. When poop hits the fan, that's when you really see what someone is made of. I believe Capricorn had it right. She's too dependent a personality to risk any thing that could upset her standard of living. She's not faced being truly on her own, so she can't put someone's else's needs first. She literally does not have it in her. It's her limitation,band maybe she will manage to go through life never facing it. Some people do.

 

Knowing that, doesn't stop the feelings. The pain. I need you. Sorry, no can do. That hurts. When you need someone you love, and they aren't there for you, it hurts no matter the reason or explanation. It's that intersection where your need meets their capabilities, or lack of.

Knowing that though can help in the letting go. Because they are just being who they are. You can't get blood from a stone. And you can't get acts of courage from those who are so worried of getting supply outside themself.

Link to comment
Thank you, S. I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this, too, but in a kind of "ripple effect" way. I wonder why your father-in-law does not want your husband's help? Would you wish to help him/them? How do you feel about them not wanting your help?

 

Having enough money to take care of themselves easily without their daughter's help but preying on her is unconscienable. It seems that from the counselors, hotlines, and and helping professionals I've talked to, as well as caregiver support group leaders, there is usually an imbalance of who bears this burden with parents.

 

And I think the question arises here..."enough money". What is "enough"? When does someone have "enough money" to pay for what they need? And what is "need"? These questions have arisen from this. It seems kind of arbitrary. My brother-in-law and sister say they don't have "enough" money to help. How much WOULD be "enough" in their mind, or is there any amount that would be "enough" in their minds, short of being multi-millionaires? And in your case, do your parents believe they DON'T have enough, even though you do think so? Are there any objective answers here we can point to, hard numbers? Sticky questions. I have based my assessments on what I see others doing (and I saw a lot, volunteering with hospice) and what I see as the cost of living, and the kind of life someone is able to afford, and what I see with them is a lot of luxuries that anyone should be able to enjoy if they have the money, but would not be considered "necessities" if one wanted to put that instead towards a sick close relative. Which is a choice and a set of priorities, not a survival issue.

 

As I was researching this topic online (what family does in situations like this), so I could get a sense of what reasonably happens "out there", I saw article after article talking about how the Millennial generation is now hard-hit by such situations, and many are leaving work situations to geographically relocate to stay with an ailing parent, and often it falls to one person living closer, but that it's a common issue now that children give up work positions to do this for their parents, to take care of them and they get cuts in pay, retirement savings, and make huge sacrifices like that, especially if they are only children. I'm really very touched by these stories, because that's a LOT to give up and seems too much. As a parent, I wouldn't want my child to jeopardize their life savings to that extent, but it happens.

 

I don’t think it’s that they don’t want our help it’s just that we don’t live anywhere near them. We live three hours away . My sister-in-law is in the same condo complex . Basically ,my in-laws had kids to look after them in their old age although they’ve never said that that’s what they entirely expected. And I’m just the evil biatch that took one of their servants .

 

Now my husband left home at 23 years old . My sister-in-law lived there for 36 years ,rent free ,money free with her parents making her food ,washing her clothes and even buying her sanitary pads ( TMI I know)if they were at the store . And she worked part time in high school and university and then full-time banking all her money till she was 36 years old never paying a dime to her parents for one thing . They never wanted one cent from her. Of course the trade-off was they wanted to servant when they were decrepit .

 

My sister-in-law for her part is a spoiled rotten little snot and is very ticked off at now having to provide the same things to her parents that they provided her . So she phones to scream and yell at her brother .

 

My in-laws don’t want any person in their home that is not their child in their home ever ever ever ever never gonna

happen ever . They have not had an outside the family visitor in 40 years . They plan to keep it that way . And they ain’t gonna be told what to do in no home . Believe me we pleaded and begged and bullied and they are not going to change. They would rather die . They will have their daughter looked after them thank you . My husband has taken time off and even gotten compassionate leave to help them out and then they refuse has all offers of finding them situations in which they could be taken care of . They are stubborn to the point of stupid and abusing their daughter and she allows it and turns the abuse on her brother. He in turn allows it because he feels guilty he’s not there .

 

I have blocked my sister-in-law from calling me . In extreme circumstance we have seen who she is and I don’t like it . And you have seen how your sister is too. You don’t have to like it either.

Link to comment
To be honest, everything in me is repelled by what your sister is doing. It goes against everything I believe in.

I understand the feeling you have of betrayal.

 

I'm keeping this short for now, as I feel all these strong emotions reading your posts.

 

Here's what it boils down to. No, you can't count on her to step up. When poop hits the fan, that's when you really see what someone is made of. I believe Capricorn had it right. She's too dependent a personality to risk any thing that could upset her standard of living. She's not faced being truly on her own, so she can't put someone's else's needs first. She literally does not have it in her. It's her limitation,band maybe she will manage to go through life never facing it. Some people do.

 

Knowing that, doesn't stop the feelings. The pain. I need you. Sorry, no can do. That hurts. When you need someone you love, and they aren't there for you, it hurts no matter the reason or explanation. It's that intersection where your need meets their capabilities, or lack of.

Knowing that though can help in the letting go. Because they are just being who they are. You can't get blood from a stone. And you can't get acts of courage from those who are so worried of getting supply outside themself.

 

I agree with this. I'm also not comfortable with "shoulds" when it comes to family helping at this time as far as what exactly the person "should" do - but yes I agree with rare exception a child should be there in some way to care for the parent. Again with exceptions - there are estranged families, abuse, a sheer inability to help i.e. where the child has a severe mental illness or physical disability, or is homeless but yes in general I get the expectation. My sister and I weren't close with my father (my sister especially) but I helped many many hours with the financial and legal aspects (meaning I didn't give $ -none was needed - but I helped find the right lawyers, accountants, resources for elder care since my mother is not on the internet and of course was busy visiting my father, etc) and my sister helped so so much by emotionally supporting my mother with her time and actions plus offering to visit my father and do "anything" she could. Could it be your sister resents how your mother spent her $ over the years or similar resentments?? Anyway not to detract -I agree with Itsallgrand and support you in the same way. Sorry.

Link to comment

It is up to your sister to want to help your mother or not, this kind of issue is actually quite common whereby the poor sibling has the bigger heart but no finances and the rich sibling (in her case, her husband) denies responsibility. There is no solution as this is simply a moral decision, the only thing you can try do is guilt your sister into caring.

Link to comment
I'm also not comfortable with "shoulds" when it comes to family helping at this time as far as what exactly the person "should" do ...

 

... the only thing you can try do is guilt your sister into caring.

 

I've found it most helpful to recognize that 'shoulding' and 'guilting' usually prompt an equal and opposite reaction from those who may have otherwise voluntarily offered something of their own accord over t.i.m.e. Instead, the expectation offends and prompts resistance. Then one's reaction to the resistance builds an even bigger wall, and there you have it--a Mexican standoff power struggle at a time where mutual respect and cooperation is crucial.

 

Sounds as though sister was participating enough to learn potential arrangements and timelines. She just had not volunteered her husband's money, and we don't know whether their private conversations over time would have lead to a future contribution at any point. So tossing an expectation into that mix may have derailed that process, and now they're locked down and dug in against it.

 

Sister was positioned badly. If she has mastered anything, it's a loyalty to the hand that feeds her (and same is likely true of her therapist). I don't mean that disrespectfully, because in her shoes I don't know that I would appreciate any expectation that I 'should' automatically cause my own marital strife by forcing an issue onto my husband that I could have otherwise finessed in my own time and my own way.

 

Since we don't know how this may have played out without prematurely voicing such an expectation, I'd focus on repairing my relationship with sister--because nothing good can come from upholding a standoff and holding a grudge. There is zero advantage to that. I'd rather confide in sister that my request was motivated by fear under pressure, and I'd apologize for not thinking it through. I'd ask her to consider what I can do to make it up to her, because losing her in my life would be the worst possible outcome I could imagine.

 

I would do this regardless of how sincere I believe that I can be in that moment, because my days of a faulty strategy would be over. It would be my percentage play against alienation over pride and thwarted expectations. That would be of no benefit to me, and the domino effect on my Mom wouldn't be helpful, either. My goal moving forward would be to shield Mom from the details and to operate in a way that maximizes family unity and involvement in Mom's life.

Link to comment
I'll tell you what I resent. What I resent is that she has all her life has depended on someone else to give her not only what she needs for bare survival, and in addition, all the things she thinks she NEEDS for the comforts and joys of life, yet she feels I have no right to hope for any such graces, given my circumstances.

 

Given what you've said about your sister's character, I don't think that's the case (bolded).

 

It's not a matter of whether she thinks you deserve graces; the money simply isn't hers to give.

 

She is just able to enjoy it and will continue to be able to enjoy it as you fall deeper into poverty.

 

The money belongs to her husband. He decides where it goes.

 

Chances are, he has his own aging parents to think of and is bracing for that same financial black hole on his own end.

 

I totally understand why you feel betrayed and offended by these circumstances, and that you need to vent about it.

 

But dwelling too long on this ugliness will just prevent you from confronting the situation on your end head on, which is what you need to do.

 

You do have some opportunity, no matter how small, to mitigate damage. You should seize upon that.

Link to comment

How do you know she gets comfort and joy from the money and or material things ? I think you’re both making assumptions. Have you ever offered to care for her child - not sure if you can given your disability and not sure about the logistics but now you’re asking her to help care for your mother so I figured I’d ask. Even the kind of thing which I’ve done where you come over and say “you go wash your hair and I’ll watch the baby “ yes she probably is constrained in her ability to use this money to give to her mother’s care and you have no idea how hard she works as a parent - and neither do I because perhaps she does have 24/7 care or perhaps her husband does everything or his family etc. just please be careful with the assumptions.

Link to comment

Thank you, everyone, for your sympathies and empathy, taking time to consider and respond thoughtfully to my situation -- and a special, deep expression of gratitude for those who have been able to validate the pain and feelings of abandonment that I dealing with.

 

I intend to respond to each post individually, with the points raised. I just have to take it in small bites, post by post, because I'm overwhelmed by this situation and current affairs around it happening as we speak.

 

I want to elucidate some things, though, based on themes that several of you have brought up.

 

One of the big issues being brought up, and rightly so, is that this money is not hers to offer. It is her husband's. And that that changes many things about what she feels she can and can't do. TRUE -- with some major "but's".

 

A bit about their relationship -- and because I have served as her closest confidente, none of what I'm about to say is guesswork or assumptions:

 

My brother-in-law (BIL) would give my sister anything she truly wanted. These are in her own words. And I have seen it in action. To give you a couple of examples, two-ish years ago I arrived there after a long plane flight late at night. It was my first time in their new house they bought. I was looking around saying how lovely it was, and then he pointed out in an obscure high corner of the kitchen near the ceiling a pipe that was showing. I never would have noticed it had he not pointed it out, and I'm pretty visually observant. He said my sister didn't like that pipe, that she said it grated on her nerves and wanted to have it replaced. He said he didn't think it was a big enough deal, and that it would cost several thousand dollars. But, he said, in a resigned tone, if she wanted it, he'd go along with it (he sounded reluctant, but not upset).

 

Then there was the time she wanted them to buy a new mattress, and organic cotton mattress. A mattress costing in the 4 digits. When they got it, she started to feel that it was too hot and made her uncomfortable, and it seems a money-back policy was not in place, so they were considering a whole new one, even though my BIL would be okay sleeping on a busted spring-coiled bed. She told me he was "not happy about it," but if she truly wanted it, he would give it to her. They also have paid out thousands of dollars in vet bills for their cat to keep up its care, at times for expensive procedures (it was a stray they got from a shelter), and of course, that was both their decisions, because it's a beloved family member to them, and I of course understand why that would be important and fortunate to have the money to upkeep. But that is a luxury, to pay for feline surgeries that are a small fortune in themselves.

 

My point is that they maintain a very high standard of living, and that is thanks all to my BIL -- but he counts my sister's wants and needs in a way that she has quite a bit of say. In fact, she is more or less the one who decides how their money is spent. And the truth is, if he had his druthers, he would spend it in such a frugal (the euphemistic word) way -- as saving and not spending almost seem an obsession with him -- their house and lives would look a lot different. He was supposed to pick me up at the airport and meet me at baggage claim, but instead he drove to the curbside and I was frantic about where he was (his phone was turned off) for a while, wondering where he was. Turns out he was trying to save the $2.00 parking fee.

 

On a side note, it's worth noting that during this whole uproar, she's told me time and again that she respects and defers to my BIL's savvy with money/investment and how wisely he treats it, saying, "The reason well-off people are well-off is because they know how to save", and indignantly defended him to me, saying, "He's a GENEROUS man, ToV!" Yet funny enough, when I had that one Skype talk with both of them, he said to me, "My wife and son call me cheap. But I know I have to be that way, to keep things on track." OH, REALLY? Your son and wife get EVERYTHING THEY WANT, and still call you "cheap"? Hm. And all the while, your wife told ME that you are a generous, not-tight-fisted man with your money, and has defended your frugality? (I wonder how my sister felt that he blurted that out.)

 

So the money is not just "there" as I see it, but my sister has a lot of power in that relationship to direct the money. Her choices and "asks" are central to their dynamic.

 

Having said all that, I believe a couple of you have astutely assessed that despite the power she holds, she is still beholden to him. And they have a division of labor, which legitimizes her demands: while she is not the primary breadwinner, she performs the vital function of quasi stay-at-home mom (quasi because she has activities and paid work she does in her field that count as "work", even though what it brings in is negligible, and is more for her personal enrichment than income.) When she was a new mother, she was with her son almost 24/7 (which caused her post-partum depression and a nervous breakdown from which I don't believe she's fully recovered, but that's another whole issue.) So it is true that their marriage is an exchange: he holds up the roof and gives her what she wants and feels she needs (whether small or large), in exchange for her toiling as a mother to his son, who is his pride and joy and, as he told me, "The only thing I TRULY have a passion for -- being a dad." Their marriage itself pivots on this tacit agreement and modus operandi. It is not a passionate marriage, and I wouldn't even call them "happily married", as my sister is chronically unhappy over things money can't fix and my BIL is not an emotionally demonstrative man. But they have an "arrangement", and this is working for their son's sake, which is their common most important investment. Despite their lack of intimacy and passion, they never argue, my sister says, and I have never seen it myself. They may disagree at times and have a heated moment or two, but on all matters of consequence, they are a united front.

 

The question, then, is -- even though the money isn't hers to spend, but their arrangement is that she is de facto the one to spend it and to make her own wishes paramount, why wouldn't she say, "As my mom starts to need more supervised caregiving at home, I want us to contribute something. Let's work out some amount we can contribute, since we can't be there to help out." It is a secret to no one that in so doing, they are sparing money so that I (and my older sister) can continue to enjoy the tiniest fraction of quality of life that she has in multiples, and that my medical expenses can continue to be paid, which my mom has contributed to. But even if I weren't even alive, that wouldn't change how I see this.

 

Does anyone think that if you added up all the expenses she "needs" over time that he has allowed, that asking for help with her mother's caregiver bills would be so unreasonable? Even if I were totally independently wealthy, but certainly because I am in the fix I'm in?

 

These are real questions, but to me it seems rhetorical. And I will conclude these thoughts in the next post.

Link to comment

 

Chances are, he has his own aging parents to think of and is bracing for that same financial black hole on his own end.

 

 

I just wanted to pick out this one point for now, though -- that as I mentioned in my OP (I know, there was a lot there to wade through, so maybe this got lost in the shuffle), my BIL's own father and mother are millionaires. They buy a new car every few months. The father is in the most lucrative and prestigious job you could have in this country, and his wife has never had to work (when I say work, I mean, go to a job that pays -- I don't consider full-time mothering less work than a paying job, but you do get to be your own boss more.) And, not parenthetically, it is still harder to have to go to work for a paycheck, full or part-time AND parent -- especially if you're a single parent.

 

Not so incidentally, my BIL would be perfectly happy for my sister to be a complete stay-at-home wife/mother, with no career, if she wanted that. Because that's how he was raised, with a 1950's styled household (and he doesn't lift a finger to cook unless she's out of town).

 

So, my BIL's parents will age in the greatest of comforts. No financial black hole there. This would look a lot different to me if that were the case. They are in their golden years and it's truly golden.

 

And, my BIL stands to get an equally golden inheritance, even split between 4 children. So in addition to my BIL's own financial security, he stands to get heaps more through inheritance. By the time it's all said and done, my sister will be a millionaire. My mother will be gone by then...but that is the track they are on.

 

And this brings up another part of my anger, and it's big: I don't believe that my BIL would for ONE SECOND withhold financial support to his parents if he saw even the slightest quiver of a need. No, he would not put his own mother in what is basically an institution. He would see to it that she got the very best of care, and I'm sure that if his siblings fell on hard times, that would also be considered.

 

So he is not treating his wife's family as he would treat his own, and that makes me feel sick to my stomach, especially when I am his son's favorite Aunt (sister has told me so), and I have invested myself deeply as her best friend, consultant, sounding board.

 

Side note: as I live many thousands of miles away from her (and my mom), physically being present to care for my mom is not an option. It is many hours by plane from where I live, and hundreds of dollars just to visit family.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...