Moving in together

Hello everyone! It has been a while since I have posted here. My last posts revolves around someone who is now my boyfriend and we have been seeing each other for about a year but didn’t become “official” until last June.

Our relationship is wonderful, we had some communication problems at first but they have all sorted themselves out in the first few months of our relationship. We live about an hour away from one another and we both work a lot. We spend every Friday-Monday morning together and usually one weekday night if he is not out of town working- currently he’s out of town working about 2 hours from me, but he is home on the weekends. He is a transmission power lineman so his crew gets sent out of town fairly often. Anyways. I am finishing up graduate school in exactly a month and will be taking my board exams sometime in May and plan to be searching for a job for what my degree is in. We haven’t specifically talked about moving in together soon but he will always make comments about me practically living there etc. refers to his house as our home and what not. I see my future with him, marriage children etc and this isn’t mutual but we have been together not even a year so I’m wondering do I bring up moving in together? When searching for jobs I don’t know if I want to search near where I live now, where he lives, halfway in between? I know I should just bring this up to him but just wanted to get some feelers for if this sounds too soon to live together and what not. I just don’t want to find a position where I live now if eventually I’ll be moving out his way but also don’t want to jump the gun and find employment out there if it’s too soon.

Has he asked you to move into his house? If not, you can safely assume it's not time to bring it up. You're a house guest and even if you move in you'll either be a house guest (who he can ask to leave at any time) or a rent paying tenant.

Has he mentioned marriage kids future? If not, you can also assume it's not on his mind at this time. Moving in is not a prelude to marriage, unless that is clear and mutual and planned.. It is a matter of financial, sexual and practical convenience as well a as test drive for compatibility. ..

Search for jobs and take the best job, do not count any chickens before they are hatched. Do you live at home with parents? Do not try to make a move from a parental home to a bf's house. At this point, you're not on the same page. Why can't you wait until there is more mutual interest in living together?

We haven’t specifically talked about moving in together soon but he will always make comments about me practically living there etc.

 

I see my future with him, marriage children etc and this isn’t mutual but we have been together not even a year so I’m wondering do I bring up moving in together? When searching for jobs I don’t know if I want to search near where I live now, where he lives, halfway in between?

Whoops “this IS mutual”

First of all, communication. Does he know your thoughts on any of this? And what are his thoughts?

It's all fine to move someone and look for a job, but what if it takes 6 months to get that job? How will you pay rent? I assume you are not wanting to commute, so I would start off with the communication thing and work from there.

He hasn’t asked but had mentioned to look at jobs near him “since I basically live here” but he didn’t specifically say “move on in”. I meant to type that this IS mutual. We talk about the future, marriage, children etc. he has mentioned being open to getting pregnant whenever I am ready. I do not live with my parents, I’m in my late 20s.

First of all, communication. Does he know your thoughts on any of this? And what are his thoughts?

 

It's all fine to move someone and look for a job, but what if it takes 6 months to get that job? How will you pay rent? I assume you are not wanting to commute, so I would start off with the communication thing and work from there.

I feel it’s only been discussed lightly, about four months ago he said I should move in but at the time I was doing clinicals for school so I explained the commute was too much since my clinical site was 1.5 hours from his house. I am currently employed right now, not in the specialization I went to grad school for but I have a decent paying job and never plan on having a lapse in employment as I already work out of my office as well as the office near his house.

Ok try to get a concrete conversation going instead of talk like "basically" or "open to". For example will you be a tenant? Will you get a cohabitation agreement? Or will you be a houseguest who pays for this and that? Who pays for what? Who does what? Who pays which bills? Will you get pregnant before marriage? etc.

Be clear and specific and do not interpret 'as if talk' as actual fully discussed mutually agreed upon plans. Lay all your cards and expectations on the table. Never move in hoping it leads to a marriage. Never get pregnant hoping for that. Speak your mind and lay out your plan.

“since I basically live here” but he didn’t specifically say “move on in”.

 

he has mentioned being open to getting pregnant whenever I am ready.

Just do what my soon to be ex wife did, just start slowly moving all of your stuff over there. Lol. It worked.

When is your lease up? And what's the rush? If someone really is "the one," you're gonna have many, many years of shacking up with each other. Why not enjoy the security of your own place for awhile before then? Even if it ends up you "practically live together" were you to find a job in his area, there is benefit to having your own home in the meanwhile.

There is a whole big difference between "practically" and "actually" living together. I wouldn't assume because he digs your weekends together that he he'd just a year in fancy making it a full-time thing. As Wiseman advised, you shouldn't be hanging job prospects on a guy you haven't even been official with a year. It may also be presumptuous altogether that you'd have the privilege of choosing between multiple opportunities between your area and his. If you do find a good job in his neck of the woods, great. Move for the job and location first, and convenience for the relationship second. Lease an apartment for a year and have a more serious talk once that's coming to a close. If you find a great job near you, who's to say you two can't end up buying or leasing some place between where you two currently are? I'm not seeing much cause to base your professional prospects off those of romance.

Vague conversations about long-term relationship goals are generally safe. But speaking personally, if a lady I'd been official with since last June asked specifically how I felt about her looking for job near me and moving with me this summer or sooner, it'd scare me a bit.

I’m gonna be the odd man out.

I say if nothing is keeping you in your current town, what’s the harm in living closer to him.

You’re happy in a relationship and while there’s no guarantee its forevef, moving closer will at least save your cars and gas and time

I’m rooting for love here. I say do what feels natural, if a good opportunity presents itself go for it!

Doesn’t mean you have to move in together, but I don’t think it would scare him away to bring it up. If he’s on board and you’re both happy why not?

FWIW, I know two happy couples in one year relationships who bought real estate together. They aren’t just shaking up, they’re in it 30 years fixed!

So I say go for it.

Also Maddy you’ve been overthinking and second guessing this relationship from it’s inception coming here for advice that hasn’t always been to put it bluntly your reality.

You paint the relationship differently that it is in reality sometimes.

So many responders take your uncertainty and advise accordingly.

This relationship has been picture perfect but you’re still on eggshells, girl eventually you’re gonna have to take the training wheels off and embrace your happy!

I think you should spend the extra $ to get your own place and move closer to him if it's good for you career and job-wise. No need to move in together before marriage. Use the opportunity of your soon to be job issues to discuss concrete time lines -not moving in but engagement/marriage/having a family. He shouldn't be scared in the least to discuss- he should be enthusiastic and want to know that you both are on the same page.

He hasn’t asked but had mentioned to look at jobs near him “since I basically live here” but he didn’t specifically say “move on in”. I meant to type that this IS mutual. We talk about the future, marriage, children etc. he has mentioned being open to getting pregnant whenever I am ready. I do not live with my parents, I’m in my late 20s.

Sure, apply to jobs near him. Apply everywhere ! Take what's best for starting out in your career.

Take it from there. Between now and then, there's opportunities for talking more with him. But I wouldn't suggest narrowing down your potential future job prospects in order to be closer to him!

He seems established. A good steady job. Owns a house. He's not going anywhere for a bit. This is your chance to go spread your wings career wise before babies and sharing a home with him.

And it is very different ' practically' living with someone, to actually. If you move into his home, there's other aspects to be considered there too. You won't be on equal footing living there , it will be you as a renter in his property.

For some people that's fine, but something to think about.

I think he likes playing house on the weekends. I think one year is rushing things. I would look for jobs that are between where you live and he lives, even on the other side of him and find a new apartment closer to your new job. I think you need more time "Dating" - living a little closer so you can go on dates instead of it having to be a whole weekend because you live farther away -- living 20 minutes away would mean you could do the spontaneous dinner during the week, etc, and you would not be together all weekend because you would have your own stuff to do, too.

Thanks for everyone’s replies! I don’t have the time to reply individually. Job prospects are better near him, im thinking of looking for positions about halfway between so that if I stay at his house it’s close enough as well as if I am staying at home. Someone mentioned my past posts but a lot has changed in the last year and with my relationship, we really are truly happy but I obviously don’t want to jump the gun and I of course know spending weekends together is different from living together day to day but I have no doubts that our relationship wouldn’t be altered negatively from living together but I want to be smart about it.

When is your lease up? And what's the rush? If someone really is "the one," you're gonna have many, many years of shacking up with each other. Why not enjoy the security of your own place for awhile before then? Even if it ends up you "practically live together" were you to find a job in his area, there is benefit to having your own home in the meanwhile.

 

There is a whole big difference between "practically" and "actually" living together. I wouldn't assume because he digs your weekends together that he he'd just a year in fancy making it a full-time thing. As Wiseman advised, you shouldn't be hanging job prospects on a guy you haven't even been official with a year. It may also be presumptuous altogether that you'd have the privilege of choosing between multiple opportunities between your area and his. If you do find a good job in his neck of the woods, great. Move for the job and location first, and convenience for the relationship second. Lease an apartment for a year and have a more serious talk once that's coming to a close. If you find a great job near you, who's to say you two can't end up buying or leasing some place between where you two currently are? I'm not seeing much cause to base your professional prospects off those of romance.

 

Vague conversations about long-term relationship goals are generally safe. But speaking personally, if a lady I'd been official with since last June asked specifically how I felt about her looking for job near me and moving with me this summer or sooner, it'd scare me a bit.

I live with my sister and her fiancé, I have agreed to stay until December of this year. They say I am welcome to leave whenever but I am planning to stick to my initial agreement to stay until then. There is no rush, but I do feel I’m paying rent to somewhere that I only stay at four times a week sometimes three or two so it seems somewhat like a waste. He recently bought his house where as I am renting, that’s why it’s safe to assume we wouldn’t be finding somewhere new together. I plan to officially live at my house until December but unsure about if looking for jobs more halfway or more near his house is the right move.

I would still get your own place in the fall or after next december. I would look for jobs everywhere from where you live, in the middle to on the other side of his house. You can move in the middle, or even farther on the other side of where he lives even if its 1 1/2 hours from your current home and 1/2 from his. I would not move in with him without a ring and a date.

I live with my sister and her fiancé, I have agreed to stay until December of this year. They say I am welcome to leave whenever but I am planning to stick to my initial agreement to stay until then. There is no rush, but I do feel I’m paying rent to somewhere that I only stay at four times a week sometimes three or two so it seems somewhat like a waste. He recently bought his house where as I am renting, that’s why it’s safe to assume we wouldn’t be finding somewhere new together. I plan to officially live at my house until December but unsure about if looking for jobs more halfway or more near his house is the right move.

I would not move in with him based on convenience or finances but only if the goal is to get married in the near future -i.e. wait till you have a wedding date. It is well worth the extra $ in rent to wait until the level of commitment is what you are looking for. In other situations convenience might be a great reason and in this situation I think it would be a poor choice on your part.

I live with my sister and her fiancé, I have agreed to stay until December of this year. They say I am welcome to leave whenever but I am planning to stick to my initial agreement to stay until then. There is no rush, but I do feel I’m paying rent to somewhere that I only stay at four times a week sometimes three or two so it seems somewhat like a waste. He recently bought his house where as I am renting, that’s why it’s safe to assume we wouldn’t be finding somewhere new together. I plan to officially live at my house until December but unsure about if looking for jobs more halfway or more near his house is the right move.

Are you able and willing to happily pay toward half his utilities and mortgage while having no stake in the equity? Often, it amounts to a much better deal than paying market rate rent for a comparable property, but it's a very recurring issue on these forums that someone comes in upset they're paying on an unmarried partner's mortgage. Would you be OK doing so knowing he reserved the right to give you notice to vacate on a whim, or that you'd have to formally write up a lease agreement with him as your landlord to afford yourself such a right as a lease duration? Would you even want to enter one if it meant you could be on the hook for rent for however many months after a breakup even if you emotionally needed to remove yourself?

That's not saying there aren't couples who can and do manage it, but there are a lot of extra power dynamics at play, even if he's not the type to capitalize on them, which thoroughly and often needlessly complicate relationships in that kind of scenario. It takes an incredibly thick skin and an exceptional level of preparedness to coast through it. And if you really do have such a great thing going-- why do it?

Look, I'm the last person to suggest marriage or even a wedding date prior to cohabiting is the only way. Speaking personally, I couldn't propose to someone I hadn't lived with. You can effectively live with someone, but until you've fully dedicated to a shared space with someone, it's my own opinion and my own life approach that I can't be educated enough to make a decision to spend my life with someone. STILL, in your situation, one where there's a homeowner and, at the very least, you don't have years of the relationship under your belts to make an even vaguely reason-based assertion it'd more likely than not work out, I'd strongly suggest waiting for marriage. Even if it means "effectively" living with him and getting the cheapest studio you can find to rent as a backup in the meantime. Plus, speaking as a guy, women who are prepared, have their **** together, and aren't planning on just jumping from living with their sister and her fiance to moving their things into my house are just sexy. Give the man as much reason to respect you as you can.

I agree with Jman other than I didn't need to live with my husband to commit to marriage. I never lived with anyone (other than him when we were engaged the first time around, for about a month or so) And I'll add this -even if we had lived together it never would have prepared me in any way for living with him and a newborn in a one bedroom apartment, three months after we got married. It really worked out fine - all I'm saying is if we'd lived together before I might have had expectations of what it would be like to live with him as a married couple -and that might have made it harder since living together as parents of a newborn/baby has very little to do with living together as a couple. Having said that, we spent a lot of nights together despite having our own places and also went on vacations together. To me that wasn't any sort of "test" but sure it helped know him in that way.

I mean... a waste for who? That's very typically how healthy and self-sufficient couples operate before prematurely deciding to cohabitate. It's not that you're paying just for the apartment to be empty however many nights. It's that you're paying for it to be your place. You or he decide in January this isn't going to work, you're ready to continue on in an independent capacity.

 

Are you able and willing to happily pay toward half his utilities and mortgage while having no stake in the equity? Often, it amounts to a much better deal than paying market rate rent for a comparable property, but it's a very recurring issue on these forums that someone comes in upset they're paying on an unmarried partner's mortgage. Would you be OK doing so knowing he reserved the right to give you notice to vacate on a whim, or that you'd have to formally write up a lease agreement with him as your landlord to afford yourself such a right as a lease duration? Would you even want to enter one if it meant you could be on the hook for rent for however many months after a breakup even if you emotionally needed to remove yourself?

 

That's not saying there aren't couples who can and do manage it, but there are a lot of extra power dynamics at play, even if he's not the type to capitalize on them, which thoroughly and often needlessly complicate relationships in that kind of scenario. It takes an incredibly thick skin and an exceptional level of preparedness to coast through it. And if you really do have such a great thing going-- why do it?

 

Look, I'm the last person to suggest marriage or even a wedding date prior to cohabiting is the only way. Speaking personally, I couldn't propose to someone I hadn't lived with. You can effectively live with someone, but until you've fully dedicated to a shared space with someone, it's my own opinion and my own life approach that I can't be educated enough to make a decision to spend my life with someone. STILL, in your situation, one where there's a homeowner and, at the very least, you don't have years of the relationship under your belts to make an even vaguely reason-based assertion it'd more likely than not work out, I'd strongly suggest waiting for marriage. Even if it means "effectively" living with him and getting the cheapest studio you can find to rent as a backup in the meantime. Plus, speaking as a guy, women who are prepared, have their **** together, and aren't planning on just jumping from living with their sister and her fiance to moving their things into my house are just sexy. Give the man as much reason to respect you as you can.

Wow there are some pretty heavy judgments in this comment so I’ll try to reply as best as I can/ have the patience for.

I say a waste because I’m paying a heavy portion of rent and commuting a lot, that is essentially a waste when you aren’t spending all that much time somewhere.

I am financially ready and able to pay half of what he pays, I’m going to make this clear. Money is NOT the issue, I am independent and have a great paying job and am done with school in a much to have a position that is an even better paying job. On one hand you’re saying why move in together and on the other saying you need to live with someone prior to marriage.

Who says he doesn’t respect me? Who says I’ve never had my own apartment or house independent from family? I’m doing my sister and her fiancé a favor by renting a room in a three bedroom house because they asked me to and wanted the help financially- this doesn’t mean I don’t have my together or place any reason for him not to respect me. I have seen your name multiple times and know you love to play the devils advocate often times offending people and saying comments that are intended simply to try to reinforce your views without taking into account way you phrase it.

He’s not just a man he’s my partner who I know I have my future with so insinuating he doesn’t respect me is a little much.

I think everyone is under the impression jay our weekends together aren’t a reflection on what living together would actually be like but we don’t live in La La land over the weekend, I work at an office near him on the weekends for extra hours and he is often working as well. I have a key and treat the house as my own, am there without him etc. we are very comfortable. My question wasn’t necessarily for judgment about whether or not he takes me seriously because I don’t need validation on here for that because I know what we have. I’m just curious about people’s opinions on if dating for a year and a half (in December we will be a little over that) is reasonable to be moving in together.

I think everyone is under the impression jay our weekends together aren’t a reflection on what living together would actually be like but we don’t live in La La land over the weekend, I work at an office near him on the weekends for extra hours and he is often working as well. I have a key and treat the house as my own, am there without him etc. we are very comfortable. My question wasn’t necessarily for judgment about whether or not he takes me seriously because I don’t need validation on here for that because I know what we have. I’m just curious about people’s opinions on if dating for a year and a half (in December we will be a little over that) is reasonable to be moving in together.

That’s the point that I made when I brought up you past posts!

You must have glossed over it because I believe your relationship is a strong one, that could withstand taking that next step.

Don’t gloss over what I’m saying please: GO BE HAPPY!

I think it's very different psychologically to have your own space and I can't underestimate how crucial that is in a romantic relationship unless both people are on the same page about moving in together. If you have the same goal about moving in together -whether it's purely a matter of convenience, or also about increasing your commitment - then that's fine. If you are not entirely on the same page it doesn't matter how long you've been dating - moving in together will more than likely be disastrous for the commitment part of your relationship even if it has financial or convenience benefits. Paying rent for your own space away from your SO is a great expense to make if you and your SO are not on the same page about the purpose of living together.

I know people who moved in together in a much shorter time -it's not really the timing that is an issue. It's just sharing physical space. As far as commitment I think a year and a half especially as you described is long enough to decide to get married or engaged with a wedding date.

Also it doesn't matter if you have a key to his house and treat it as your own. You both know on some level it is his house, you have your own space, he could change the locks tomorrow and you have no entitlement to be there. Not that he thinks that way every day or ever but he knows that and you know that.

So yes if he takes you seriously and you are comfortable with the level of seriousness and you two are very clear about what moving in together means and does not mean, sure it's more than enough time to share physical space! I wouldn't mingle any finances though till marriage.

Agree. It seems you are looking for convenience. And having a guest here and there is vastly different for both of you that setting up a household in terms of finances legalities, etc. Do not push and shove your way into his house in an effort to accelerate the relationship. It will backfire.

There is a whole big difference between "practically" and "actually" living together.