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Don’t want to lose him


Munchkin76

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My husband and I have been together 20 yrs, married for 13, we have 3 children.

 

i have focussed on the children and neglected my husband some what, we have always got on and I didn’t realise he wasn’t happy.

 

a much younger woman at his work showed interest and whilst he says they are just friends, I have proof he is having an affair with her. He doesn’t know that I know.

 

We were arguing a lot around Christmas time and i have told him I want to i want to work on our marriage, he says he isn’t sure if he does, he has talked about moving out and having a break, still denies there is anyone else.

 

Some days he is lovely to me, says he hasn’t given up on us and cuddles me in bed, we go for a walk every night and hold hands, but he spends every lunch time with her and she doesn’t work thursdays so he has started finishing early and spending time with her.

 

I don’t want to tell him I know as I think that will push him out the door.

 

i am being nice to him and do have some hope, I think he is scared I haven’t changed, I’ve apologised for neglecting him and not paying him the attention he needs, he can see that I am starting to do this.

 

what he is doing is so out of character for him, he is hurting me so much, but I know if he ends the affair we can get through this.

 

Any advice on how to make him see he needs to stop the affair...

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Unfortunately you are going about this in a way that condones, perpetuates and encourages his affair. Your theory is that the affair is your fault and that if you become more like a doormat he'll leave the affair and work on the marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. At this point he has zero incentive to end the affair. Playing stupid is not a wise choice on your part nor is sticking your head in the sand and pretending the marriage will improve if you grovel and turn a blind eye to cheating..

 

He gets away with it, you don't say a word and on top of that he gets his butt kissed by you as a reward for cheating. You need to privately and confidential see a therapist alone to guide you. Also pull way back. Stop apologizing, begging indirectly and becoming more obsequious. That hasn't, isn't and will never stop anyone from having an affair.

 

You need to see an attorney to discuss your options if you or he decides to leave. You also need to check your credit report, credit cards and bank accounts to see how much money is going toward the affair. Are you a SAHM or do you work? Does he support you financially?

 

In the meantime, stop being supermom and superwife. Start being a woman who respects herself and takes care of herself. That means get in shape, improve your lifestyle and eating, socialize more with friends and family, get new clothes, hair, etc and update your look. Take some classes and courses, start working or take a part time job. Let him be home with the kids rather than on the prowl. Do not discuss therapy, seeing an attorney or your self improvement plan with your husband. Just do it. It will serve you whether he leaves or stays and whether you leave or stay.

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Not confronting him about his affair is not going to help improve your marriage. You need to tell him that you know all about it and provide the proof. You also need to be clear that you are more than willing to work on your marriage if he puts an end to it. That way you can both move forward from there. If you keep quiet he will continue with this affair and it wont be long before he's out the door and moving in with her. YOU need to stop the affair (if he is willing to).

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How do I confront him?

The evidence is from snooping, which he will be furious about.

 

You had suspicions. You were right to snoop. Let him be mad. It'll mostly be his guilt talking.

 

My wife was having a fair. I finally couldn't take anymore and caller her out on it. This was a little over a month ago. She didn't want to salvage anything and moved out. I was and am still being a doormat.

You won't know what reaction you have until you confront him, but do as suggested first. Get a job if you don't have one. You will need an income. Also, speak with a lawyer before you talk to your husband.

 

There is nothing you can say or do that will make him come back if he does not want to.

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How do I confront him?

The evidence is from snooping, which he will be furious about.

 

Good Lord all mighty. HE IS CHEATING ON YOU! What do you not understand that what he is doing is wrong! Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself, for once.

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I agree 100% with Wiseman.

 

This isn't about you, this isn't your fault and you certainly didn't drive him to throw all your vows out the window so he could get some strange on the side.

 

You would be stunned how often we see almost this exact thing on here.

 

Right now you are in a place of weakness and that is not attractive or a good place to do battle and yes you are about to do battle. Which battle is the only question at the moment. Will you be fighting for your marriage or fighting for your life after divorce?

 

So you trusted your gut and snooped. Good on you!!! More people should trust their gut.

 

Here are some facts about cheaters.

 

-They are selfish

-They lie to everyone including themselves

-They cannot be trusted

-They rarely take responsibility for their actions and often blame the victim

-They are not the person you thought they were

-They didn't "Make a mistake" they choose to cheat

-More times than not they will attempt to continue the affair after things cool off

 

You may think your husband is different but cheaters are all pretty much the same. They put themselves above everyone including your children.

 

You cannot make him stop so put that out of your head. You cannot trick him into being faithful, threaten him into it or love him enough to make this stop. This was his choice and it needs to be his choice to stop because it is the right thing to do.

 

Stay aloof, start taking good care of yourself mentally and physically, make copies of all the financial documents including his check stubs. You may need it if he makes the wrong choice.

 

You also need solid advice on divorce in your area. This information will ease your mind if it comes to divorce. The unknown can be very frightening so get some good info so you know where you will stand later.

 

They way you speak it seems like you are from the UK and I am not familiar with the divorce laws there but chances are he will be looking at spousal support, and child support for many years to come. Men often freak out when the reality (financially) of what they have done hits them. Don't be fooled if he has a change of heart when the money and loss of stuff hits him, he should want to save the marriage because of love and devotion to you and the family, not to money and stuff.

 

Keep posting

Lost

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It is only with love that I say the following.

 

 

First you said this:

 

I have proof he is having an affair with her.

 

i have told him I want to i want to work on our marriage, he says he isn’t sure if he does, he has talked about moving out and having a break

 

he spends every lunch time with her and she doesn’t work thursdays so he has started finishing early and spending time with her.

 

he is hurting me so much

 

 

But then you say things like this:

 

I don’t want to tell him I know as I think that will push him out the door.

 

i am being nice to him and do have some hope, I think he is scared I haven’t changed, I’ve apologised for neglecting him and not paying him the attention he needs

 

How do I confront him?

The evidence is from snooping, which he will be furious about.

 

 

OK, I acknowledge and fully appreciate that you are holding yourself accountable for what you believe you contributed to his unhappiness. Kudos to you for that. And I understand that you and your husband have a family together, and a history, and to me it seems you are fighting for the children, as well as your marriage.

 

BUT being in a long-term relationship/ marriage and having children together certainly does not give Hubby carte blanche to have an affair and then make you feel like you are helpless to complain about it. Maybe you have not been perfect, but no one is, and at the end of the day you have been loyal to him while he has broken the marriage vows and did the unthinkable. Both of you made this marriage rocky, but he pushed it over the edge and then some.

 

I get that you don't want him to leave and therefore don't want to confront him. But this is reality; this is the situation, good bad or ugly. And the fact of the matter is, HE broke your trust big time and HE must hold himself accountable. Stop thinking you caused this. Every married person has the choice to cheat, regardless of how jerky/ inconsiderate/ neglectful their spouse is.

 

It would be helpful for you to start thinking of how you would live your life if you divorced. It doesn't mean you have to do it or that you have to make a decision. But it gives you that option and that security of knowing that you CAN live happily and take care of your children if he wasn't there. It may sound silly or unrelated to your issue. Trust me though it's vital to your thought process. There is a LOT of help out there for single mothers, divorced mothers, people in abusive relationships etc. My point is: You can do this on your own. Millions of women have and do and they are awesome.

 

Now with that out of the way, you are scared that he will be furious about the snooping. Really? Honey, you should absolutely be MORE furious than he could ever be. So, fine: "Yes dear, I snooped. Absolutely. And I acknowledge that I did it and violated your privacy. Now can YOU acknowledge that you on your own decided to break your vows without giving me the decency of ending our marriage so that I can also go on with my life? Can YOU acknowledge that you cheated on not only me but on our children?"

 

Notice I didn't put in an 'I'm sorry' from you. You obviously felt that something was wrong, and your instinct was dead on.

 

Stand up for yourself and your children. He is in the wrong here. Don't let him push you around or turn things around so that you end up on the floor, begging him. I know you can do this.

 

~LC

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You had suspicions. You were right to snoop. Let him be mad. It'll mostly be his guilt talking.

.

 

 

I agree. If you weren't given a reason would have even checked?

Just be prepared, he'll likely have a huge reaction to you having checked, but it's an attempt to deflect the focus off of him and try to distract you.

 

Let him vent about it and ask him when he's done, that you'd like to talk about his new girlfriend. Try not to mix this issues and keep them separate.

 

I personally always advise that you two consider attending marriage counseling. If you didn't have 3 kids, I would advise otherwise and I'd tell you to contact an attorney instead.

But you two have a lot at stake and you don't want to look back without knowing you tried everything you could for the sake of the kids.

 

I had a therapist tell me once. ~There are some times that an affair is the best thing that happens to a marriage. It gets the players off the side line and into the game'

I am not promoting this theory by-the-way. Just repeated something that was said to me. But it does give you something to think about. Especially when you opened this post saying you've been neglectful of your marriage.

 

So, don't worry about snooping. Shrug it off. It's the least of both of your concerns right now. It's just a symptom of a larger problem.

Get busy addressing the problem.

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I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now. Be realistic. If he's putting any percentage of effort into a friendship with another woman, he's not putting 100% into your marriage. Address that and face it. Again, be realistic with yourself. I feel like you are living in constant fear of what if (what if he leaves you, what if he destroys your family, what if he never comes to his senses, what if he's not in love with you). You should face those what ifs head on and be courageous. It will free you. You shouldn't have to live in perpetual fear.

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The first step you need to take is one to find your way back to knowing, seeing and feeling your own self worth. This will happen with the help of a therapist as suggested. You could use some self pampering as well, treat yourself the way a wife should be treated and deserves to be treated if your husband is not up to the job.

 

Do you have social support people in your life that you can turn to as well to reinforce your self respect and confidence? Siblings, parents, girlfriends? Reach out to a few trusted people that you know you can rely on for encouragement.

 

Try not to be anxious that your husband is going to leave you, he already has, the only way back to where you once were is through complete disclosure from both of you, his commitment to end the affair, and seeking professional help to mend your marriage. This isn't about saving your marriage, its changed now forever, either you come clean on the snooping and he comes clean about his intentions and you move on separately or you mend things.

 

Pretending this will resolve itself in time is fooling yourself and puts you in a very unhealthy place where either detachment or blaming yourself will be unhelpful coping mechanisms that will not lead to resolution and will further confuse you and diminish your self worth.

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My husband and I have been together 20 yrs, married for 13, we have 3 children.

 

i have focussed on the children and neglected my husband some what, we have always got on and I didn’t realise he wasn’t happy.

 

a much younger woman at his work showed interest and whilst he says they are just friends, I have proof he is having an affair with her. He doesn’t know that I know.

 

We were arguing a lot around Christmas time and i have told him I want to i want to work on our marriage, he says he isn’t sure if he does, he has talked about moving out and having a break, still denies there is anyone else.

 

Some days he is lovely to me, says he hasn’t given up on us and cuddles me in bed, we go for a walk every night and hold hands, but he spends every lunch time with her and she doesn’t work thursdays so he has started finishing early and spending time with her.

 

I don’t want to tell him I know as I think that will push him out the door.

 

i am being nice to him and do have some hope, I think he is scared I haven’t changed, I’ve apologised for neglecting him and not paying him the attention he needs, he can see that I am starting to do this.

 

what he is doing is so out of character for him, he is hurting me so much, but I know if he ends the affair we can get through this.

 

Any advice on how to make him see he needs to stop the affair...

 

You need to identify whether hes going out with the colleague because he isn't getting what he wants from you or whether he simply sees a younger prettier woman and is no longer interested in you. There is no hope in the latter scenario but if the initial scenario is the cause then pay more attention to him.

 

Alternatively you can just file for divorce and get half his , alimony and custody (if you're in a western country) so you don't exactly lose out on anything.

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How do I confront him?

The evidence is from snooping, which he will be furious about.

 

When a cheater gets furious with snooping (because he was caught), it's call gaslighting and trying to deflect the bigger issue of being a cheater to snooping with good reason. Having an affair is much worse than snooping because you were suspicious. Let him be furious. He's the cheater, don't let him gaslight you or manipulate it into making you the bad guy. Also I recommend a full STD scan, you never know what kind of health risks your husband is putting you on without your knowledge.

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You need to identify whether hes going out with the colleague because he isn't getting what he wants from you or whether he simply sees a younger prettier woman and is no longer interested in you. There is no hope in the latter scenario but if the initial scenario is the cause then pay more attention to him.

 

Alternatively you can just file for divorce and get half his , alimony and custody (if you're in a western country) so you don't exactly lose out on anything.

 

I never agreed with the approach in bold which is a position of "blaming" the victim of the cheating. I don't agree that cheating is because something is lacking in the marriage. It can be, but other people live in unfulfilling marriages and they don't cheat. They either work to solve the issues or they leave. Cheating is a choice and it's based on deceit, lack of morals and respect for your partner that think he/she is in a monogamous relationship and is not aware that their health physical and mental is at risk. If he wants to stop cheating, then it's on him (not on her) to look inside for why he cheats and to work on being a better person and giving her reasons to trust again. This age old mentality of "lets tackle the cheating by putting the responsibility on the cheated partner to be a better partner" that has permeated couples counselling for decades has to stop, in my opinion because in the end doesn't actually solve the issue and gets the cheated partner insecure and feeling that they need to walk on eggshells and do more and more to prevent their dishonest partner from cheating, and it also infantilises the cheater by implying that they have no self control and condoning this.

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You've received a lot of great information up here. Its a lot to take in while you are at the same time looking at the man you made a vow to and have invested so much of your life with. I know your pain. My husband cheated five years ago and our marriage went on a rollar coaster ride for awhile before he decided to really move out for the third time last October. I learned early on that i couldn't do anything to make him want to work on our marriage. He has to be motivated to work on it and currently he is not. The time apart has been very beneficial for me because when he was home, it was hard to see him and be around him when he was treating me with such disdain and anger as if I had cheated on him. Everyone's story is different and everyone's process is different. Take it one day at a time and allow yourself to really deal with what has happened emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Michele Weiner-Davis has some great resources that I have read such as The Divorce Remedy: The Proven Seven-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can and prepare yourself for the long journey ahead. You will get through this.

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You need to identify whether hes going out with the colleague because he isn't getting what he wants from you or whether he simply sees a younger prettier woman and is no longer interested in you. There is no hope in the latter scenario but if the initial scenario is the cause then pay more attention to him.

 

Alternatively you can just file for divorce and get half his , alimony and custody (if you're in a western country) so you don't exactly lose out on anything.

 

Wow.... I cant believe I just read this.

 

My ex had an affair with a much younger co worker. I found out, divorced him & walked away with my 2 children. I was only working part time, he was a Managing Director of the Company. He had an expensive lawyer, I had no one, so he got the house and only had to pay me $200 a month in child support to feed, clothe & house 2 young children.

 

Not every "poor divorced man" gets taken to the cleaners by a vindictive ex wife.

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My wife did the same as you. She started checking out when we started having kids.

 

Now that they are getting older and moving out she has started to try and repair the damage. To little to late.

 

I haven’t cheated like your husband but I have checked out myself. I see my wife as “now that I am lonely I want a relationship with you again”. She is the one that refused to do date nights and weekend get aways.

 

I just don’t think you can fix what is broken. I still care about my wife and love her in a way but am no longer in love with her. Yes she knows this and we have been to some mc.

 

Hope this gives you some in sight. I don’t think my wife could do anything to repair the relationship. To many years of not putting anything into the relationship.

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