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Thread: Donít want to lose him

  1. #1

    Donít want to lose him

    My husband and I have been together 20 yrs, married for 13, we have 3 children.

    i have focussed on the children and neglected my husband some what, we have always got on and I didnít realise he wasnít happy.

    a much younger woman at his work showed interest and whilst he says they are just friends, I have proof he is having an affair with her. He doesnít know that I know.

    We were arguing a lot around Christmas time and i have told him I want to i want to work on our marriage, he says he isnít sure if he does, he has talked about moving out and having a break, still denies there is anyone else.

    Some days he is lovely to me, says he hasnít given up on us and cuddles me in bed, we go for a walk every night and hold hands, but he spends every lunch time with her and she doesnít work thursdays so he has started finishing early and spending time with her.

    I donít want to tell him I know as I think that will push him out the door.

    i am being nice to him and do have some hope, I think he is scared I havenít changed, Iíve apologised for neglecting him and not paying him the attention he needs, he can see that I am starting to do this.

    what he is doing is so out of character for him, he is hurting me so much, but I know if he ends the affair we can get through this.

    Any advice on how to make him see he needs to stop the affair...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you are going about this in a way that condones, perpetuates and encourages his affair. Your theory is that the affair is your fault and that if you become more like a doormat he'll leave the affair and work on the marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. At this point he has zero incentive to end the affair. Playing stupid is not a wise choice on your part nor is sticking your head in the sand and pretending the marriage will improve if you grovel and turn a blind eye to cheating..

    He gets away with it, you don't say a word and on top of that he gets his butt kissed by you as a reward for cheating. You need to privately and confidential see a therapist alone to guide you. Also pull way back. Stop apologizing, begging indirectly and becoming more obsequious. That hasn't, isn't and will never stop anyone from having an affair.

    You need to see an attorney to discuss your options if you or he decides to leave. You also need to check your credit report, credit cards and bank accounts to see how much money is going toward the affair. Are you a SAHM or do you work? Does he support you financially?

    In the meantime, stop being supermom and superwife. Start being a woman who respects herself and takes care of herself. That means get in shape, improve your lifestyle and eating, socialize more with friends and family, get new clothes, hair, etc and update your look. Take some classes and courses, start working or take a part time job. Let him be home with the kids rather than on the prowl. Do not discuss therapy, seeing an attorney or your self improvement plan with your husband. Just do it. It will serve you whether he leaves or stays and whether you leave or stay.

  3. #3
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    You're making a lot of mistakes.

    To understand, secretly read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book, and forget what you think you know about TL.)

  4. #4
    Not confronting him about his affair is not going to help improve your marriage. You need to tell him that you know all about it and provide the proof. You also need to be clear that you are more than willing to work on your marriage if he puts an end to it. That way you can both move forward from there. If you keep quiet he will continue with this affair and it wont be long before he's out the door and moving in with her. YOU need to stop the affair (if he is willing to).

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  6. #5
    How do I confront him?
    The evidence is from snooping, which he will be furious about.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Munchkin76
    How do I confront him?
    The evidence is from snooping, which he will be furious about.
    You had suspicions. You were right to snoop. Let him be mad. It'll mostly be his guilt talking.

    My wife was having a fair. I finally couldn't take anymore and caller her out on it. This was a little over a month ago. She didn't want to salvage anything and moved out. I was and am still being a doormat.
    You won't know what reaction you have until you confront him, but do as suggested first. Get a job if you don't have one. You will need an income. Also, speak with a lawyer before you talk to your husband.

    There is nothing you can say or do that will make him come back if he does not want to.

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by Munchkin76
    How do I confront him?
    The evidence is from snooping, which he will be furious about.
    Let him be furious. He is the one having the affair. Don't be afraid to confront him.

  9. #8
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    Your weakness will be the nail in the coffin.

    Btw: Everybody snoops and he's snooping you everyday.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Munchkin76
    How do I confront him?
    The evidence is from snooping, which he will be furious about.
    Good Lord all mighty. HE IS CHEATING ON YOU! What do you not understand that what he is doing is wrong! Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself, for once.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I agree 100% with Wiseman.

    This isn't about you, this isn't your fault and you certainly didn't drive him to throw all your vows out the window so he could get some strange on the side.

    You would be stunned how often we see almost this exact thing on here.

    Right now you are in a place of weakness and that is not attractive or a good place to do battle and yes you are about to do battle. Which battle is the only question at the moment. Will you be fighting for your marriage or fighting for your life after divorce?

    So you trusted your gut and snooped. Good on you!!! More people should trust their gut.

    Here are some facts about cheaters.

    -They are selfish
    -They lie to everyone including themselves
    -They cannot be trusted
    -They rarely take responsibility for their actions and often blame the victim
    -They are not the person you thought they were
    -They didn't "Make a mistake" they choose to cheat
    -More times than not they will attempt to continue the affair after things cool off

    You may think your husband is different but cheaters are all pretty much the same. They put themselves above everyone including your children.

    You cannot make him stop so put that out of your head. You cannot trick him into being faithful, threaten him into it or love him enough to make this stop. This was his choice and it needs to be his choice to stop because it is the right thing to do.

    Stay aloof, start taking good care of yourself mentally and physically, make copies of all the financial documents including his check stubs. You may need it if he makes the wrong choice.

    You also need solid advice on divorce in your area. This information will ease your mind if it comes to divorce. The unknown can be very frightening so get some good info so you know where you will stand later.

    They way you speak it seems like you are from the UK and I am not familiar with the divorce laws there but chances are he will be looking at spousal support, and child support for many years to come. Men often freak out when the reality (financially) of what they have done hits them. Don't be fooled if he has a change of heart when the money and loss of stuff hits him, he should want to save the marriage because of love and devotion to you and the family, not to money and stuff.

    Keep posting
    Lost

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