How to deal with elderly demanding parents who were not perfect growing up?

For adult children who now have elderly parents, how do you deal with their demands of your time and energy when you just feel exhausted from their constant neediness? My parents still live in their home of 30 years and have various health issues but nothing life threatening. What they want is my time and constant attention. I hesitate to use the term "narcissist" but their behavior and attitudes are a prime example of the dictionary definition.

Growing up, they did not physically harm me but they always preferred my older sister and would defer to her during arguments. My requests and my needs only came after everyone else's. I was always just there in the background like a silent support beam for their life. I had to be happy at my sister's accomplishments or parents would accuse me of not loving her or them. My sister never had interest my activities but parents never encouraged her to. As a kid, mom used to tell me she did not even like me much but it was alright because she would always love me. WTH? If I had any issues in school she would always sigh and just say her own mother used to tell her that some day I would be a blessing to her and then she would just walk away. I felt like my mom never gave me the unconditional love or support for being who I was.

My dad was more empathetic, but never advocated for me. I used to think he liked me more than my sister, but looking back I don't think he did. I recall one occasion when I was 7 years old and my older and larger sister stole my barbie doll and taunted me with it. I scratched her on the arm. She went screaming to our dad how I hurt her. Dad saw the scratch marks and dragged me onto the sofa where he took out toenail clippers and cut off my nails. I cried so loud because I was scared. When he was done all he did was make fun of how I "cried just because he cut my nails." He made my pretty nails that I loved look so ugly. No physical harm, but emotionally that event still haunts me. They gave me money, birthday parties, clothes and shelter. They paid for my college education. I got a job, found an apartment and never lived under the same roof again. My parents are friendly, active in the community, and everyone seems to think they are great.

Fast forward to now when they call almost every day. I just let it go to voicemail and answer when I have time. Several of the voice mails berate me for not returning earlier calls. They tell me I should call more often. They tell me they are hurt I do not see them more frequently, and their life would be so much better if only I just spent more time with them. I told them I was going to back off a bit and tried to get along by only talking to them once or twice a month and seeing them only on holidays. They said they don't understand and they just keep calling. The sound of their voice and tone of anger makes me nauseus. I recently blocked all calls and emails. I used to hear of adult kids who cut-off their elderly parents and I thought it was awful, but now I get it and understand how necessary it can be. Is this odd? Are my parents nut jobs? Any advice from others experiencing similar? Thanks.

I don't think you should cut them off completely. Stop letting them get under your skin. You're still playing the role of naughty little kid....don't do that.

You are an adult with your own life. Tell them calmly that your job and your responsibilities don't allow you to communicate with them more than once a week. Ignore the hostile voicemails. Eventually when they learn that they're not pushing your buttons anymore, they might desist.

This is a toughie.

I have witnessed people who had parents that would do anything for them. And as time goes, those kids would do anything for their senior parents now.

But that doesn't seem to be the case for you (and plenty of others). No two families are the same.

For your case, I think you need to find some level ground with them and sit down with them and set boundaries and expectations.

Those past hurts will still be there, but you need to work past them, and be there for your parents in their final chapter of their life.

You're entitled to your own life and space. If you need a breather, I think it's best for everyone involved. I am getting the impression that you are a little difficult to manage. Try to practice filtering a bit more and don't let things bother you so personally so much. Feel confident in the way that you are and the life that you have carved for yourself. Things will fall into place. You might not be so agitated with everyone around you or easily irked. I'm only saying this because I'm sensing a lot of frustration and comparisons with your sister. Stop that. Live your own life and be proud of your own choices. It all starts from the ground up.

Your outlook will change when you start feeling better about yourself.

Was anyone perfect growing up? Take some time and space if you need, but I would attempt to forgive them. They won't be around forever. I didn't talk to my mom for 15 years. I forgave, and now we have a decent relationship.

Was anyone perfect growing up? Take some time and space if you need, but I would attempt to forgive them. They won't be around forever. I didn't talk to my mom for 15 years. I forgave, and now we have a decent relationship.

Nickel used one of the most powerful F words every relationship should have. Forgive.

Indeed, you need to forgive wrong doings of your parents, and be thankful that things weren't worse growing up.

Oh god I hear ya. Get them onto social media so you can communicate with them more that way. Buy them a laptop, and they can get lessons at the seniors center for free. Seeing pics, and story line stuff on your FB page will ease them off a bit. My mom is in her 80's and she's on social media more than I am. She still complains about me not calling her or answering my emails, but it's not as bad as it was before. Oh and she got a new dog, so that's keeping her busy too.

^^^^ That's a great idea. Get them on Skype so you can communicate without being there in the flesh.

I'm curious as to whether your parents have the same demands/expectations of your sister? I'm in a similar situation, both with a mother who fails to acknowledge that I can't keep popping over when I am 60 miles away, work full-time and study for a degree, and with very much being the less favoured child (she contacts me to tell me every little thing she's not happy with but mentions nothing to my brother).

My therapist told me to look after myself, put boundaries in place and learn to be OK with saying no. It's easy to succumb to emotional manipulation and it can really get you down.

You're entitled to your own life and space. If you need a breather, I think it's best for everyone involved. I am getting the impression that you are a little difficult to manage. Try to practice filtering a bit more and don't let things bother you so personally so much. Feel confident in the way that you are and the life that you have carved for yourself. Things will fall into place. You might not be so agitated with everyone around you or easily irked. I'm only saying this because I'm sensing a lot of frustration and comparisons with your sister. Stop that. Live your own life and be proud of your own choices. It all starts from the ground up.

 

Your outlook will change when you start feeling better about yourself.

What does the bolded part mean?

I'm sort of in the same boat, GingerMay. My parents always adored my younger sister, the baby of the family and to this day she still gets away with murder. She could do no wrong in my parents' eyes while I'm labeled the "messed up one or the troublemaker." Never mind that I was always the responsible, dutiful eldest daughter who always went above and beyond what was expected of me. Go figure. My late father doted on my sister and she received free passes all her life. My sister and mother are thick as thieves. I'm very compatible with my brother though.

Now that my mother recently retired, she has time but I am the one who has since backed off considerably. When she was younger, she was stressed and very unhappily married which didn't make for a loving, tender mother.

Nowadays, we're reduced to major holidays and family traditions a few times a year. Since my mother and siblings reside locally, we meet at restaurants for a few random birthdays and even then not always. I get along great with my younger brother; my spoiled brat sister not so much much, however we're all civil toward one another.

I've since aired my grievances to my mother and siblings to no avail. I don't know if your parents would turn a deaf ear should you attempt to dredge up all of their past wrongdoings during your childhood. They'll probably change the subject, gaslight or accuse you of fabricating the whole thing.

Sometimes explaining won't work. I wouldn't cut your parents off completely though. Estrangement is not advisable. I do believe in forgiveness as long as you control the dynamics such as reasonable visits and decreased communication whether verbal or written. This is what I do with my mother and sister which works splendidly. You can be civil and peaceful minus lovey dovey. You don't have to be sugary syrupy sweet with them. Just act natural while maintaining a safe distance. Be cool and keep your cool.

I wouldn't block calls and emails because then you're acting hostile. Take the higher road. Be classy no matter what. I know you hold a lot of grudges because you wouldn't be human if you didn't. I too hold a lot of grudges which leaves me steamed. Do what I do. Keep the peace but don't get chummy. Be the bigger person. As difficult as it is to do, try softening your heart so all parties can heal.

Someday when your parents pass away, at least there was closure because you made amends with each other despite not explaining anything to each other. A lot of times it's unrealistic to extract and expect apologies because most of the time it will never be forthcoming. Be mature, grow up, swallow your pride, check your ego at the door and do the right thing. No one ever said life was fair. Don't live in the past.

My father passed away in 2016. We were close when I was very young then not close at all. I forgave him when I was in my early 30s. He died when I was 50. I loved and respected him even though I didn’t love being around him. At the end of his life I worked very hard to help my mother deal with his caretaking and financial issues based on healthcare stuff. I knew I couldn’t help emotionally so I spent many hours helping on a practical level. My mother is awesome. She is in her 80s and has a great life and social life. I would do anything for her. I get that you’re not close with them and I’d keep in mind that forgiveness can be freeing and also since they paid for your college and parties etc then yes you should keep in contact to an extent and enforce appropriate boundaries in a mature and adult way. I’m not a perfect mom now but I try my utmost every day and yes it gives me perspective on how damn hard it is to be a parent. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. So you don’t have to love them but I do think you should do what you can and work on that forgiveness piece. Good luck.

Have you ever gone to counseling to deal with these issues? At some point you need to deal with in a better way so that you can forgive them. This anger is not healthy.

I agree with Holly that counseling would be good for you.

I identify with your story, OP. If you go to my started threads, you'll see I post about a parent that I have had issues with my whole life. Now mine is slightly different from yours in that she was actually physically abusive, but the basics to both are stories are similar. Never mind if other people think you are being unreasonable or whatever. What it comes down to is that YOU have emotional baggage/ issues stemming from your childhood and they are affecting your everyday life. I would never trivialize someone's feelings, especially concerning the way their parents treated them.

Everyone is different. Some people are stronger or more sensitive than others. Some people can handle things when they are children and others come close to breaking. There is no instruction manual for this. That's why the world has therapists, friends, and yes anonymous advice-giving forums. :)

I see that you are hurting from your childhood which is why I have to again push for getting some kind of therapy. Yeah it's not cheap but it's a drop in the bucket for you to slowly get your life back. Talk about your experiences with your parents and how they made you feel, how it affects you today. You need this, to first realize what hurt you and then take steps toward healing.

I wouldn't worry about when or how often to communicate with your parents. Not right now. imo I'd worry about healing yourself first and then take things step by step. Only handle and deal with what you really think you can. Again, step by step. You will have good days and then you will have bad days when you think about the things that hurt you, and you'll cry and feel helpless. That's all a part of healing, believe it or not.

Finally, I am sorry you felt emotionally unsupported by your parents. Trust me, I know the feeling. My mother was fond of talking about how attractive she was, and how attractive I wasn't, simply because my skin is a lot darker than hers. Oh that's just one story out of hundreds. Feel free to message me if you want to discuss all this further. I totally know how you feel and I encourage you to do what's right for you and your heart.

Sending you love,

LC

Few if any of the people I know had ideal childhoods, and we can all recall stuff that made us feel lousy while growing up. The good news is, as adults we get to drop our child role and adopt instead the role of an equal adult in our dealings with our parents. This means we can set whatever terms we want in order to regulate their treatment of us. It's a negotiation: an offering of something they want in exchange for something we want from them.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you, and I agree with you that it would be great for us to spend more time together. The problem we'll need to correct first is this: if the cost of doing business with you is that you'll try to make me feel guilty for anything I have not offered to you in the past, then that's too high of a price for me to pay.

I hope you'll consider this if you'd be open to letting me treat you to a meal in the next week or so to enjoy one another. If you'd like this, please let me know 2 times and dates that would be good for you, and I'll come back with my pick of the better one for me.

Let's see how well we can work this out.

Love,

Me

Bottom line: if they want your time, they'll need to behave in order to get it. If they do not, I'd give one fair warning that I'm about to pay the bill and leave if she or he doesn't back off on the guilting thing. Then I'd change the subject to something uplifting and see whether they'll play along.

Main thing I'd avoid: defending myself or devolving into my grudges about the past. Main thing I'd uphold: boundaries around things I don't want to answer. If I'm asked anything too prying, I'd either look distracted and change the subject, or I'd plainly say that we can talk about that kind of stuff at a later date--let's just relax and enjoy our time together.

You can't learn how adopting an adult role instead of your child role will work until you work it.

Head high.

Two of my sibling think i was the favorite, I thought my sister was the favorite by 20x, she thinks my brother was the favorite, etc, and I definitely do NOT think i was the favorite. I required more of my parents' time at a particular point for a period of time due to medical needs. Stop playing the game of thinking who was the favorite. People have a very different lens that they look through. Maybe your sister had challenges or maybe she acted out towards you because you didn't care at all (your parents wanted you to cheer her on because you acted like you wanted nothing to do with her). you could have been the easier child and she required more hands on. Who knows.

Now is now. your parents are getting older. They want to see you. So instead of seeing them just once a month, see how they act when they actually do see you more -- and in a way that they don't have to pester you. Maybe the second tuesday or a particular sunday you do something with them and express that you are looking forward to that date when they pester you. They are using all of their energy on pestering you to see them -- so they have all this energy saved up and unleash on you -- instead why not plan an afternoon per month to do whatever = hang out with them and offer to serve a need on another two days -- drive them to the doctor or something. And every time they pester you - talk about "hey, what would you like to do on that particular day i am seeing you next. " So instead of avoiding them - you are redirecting them.

I hear you about your past grievances.

They paid for your college education. It may be hard for you to believe but millions of parents won't and can't pay for formal educations.

I agree with others regarding enforcing healthy boundaries. There is a way to control your relationship with them in a healthy way and make sure you're in the driver's seat. This is what I do with my sister and mother: We don't get along great with too much intimacy such as getting together frequently, texting / emailing / messaging / phone chatting frequently and the like. As long as I limit all forms of contact to the bare minimum and get together a FEW times a year such as a few restaurant rendezvous and traditional holiday celebrations / family reunions, then we get along cordially. This is the beauty of boundaries. Granted, it feels like we're a bunch of acquaintances but at least everyone puts forth the effort to be on their best behavior. Eventually the light bulb turns on in their brains. They realize they'd better behave or I'll do the disappearing act again. It works wonders. You can't control other people. However, you can steer the ship and control yourself for your sanity while remaining fair to yourself.

I know you're bitter and resentful regarding your past mistreatment. I am, too but don't be shackled to bad memories. Don't allow bad, sad memories to have a grip and hold on your life. We are all flawed. As we grow older, it's time to mellow, step back and remain calm. Fighting and arguing will get you nowhere. If arguing rears it's ugly head in the future, learn to walk away, take a deep breath and when it's calm again, just remain peaceful. It's all about self-control on your part. Remember, walk away. People are shocked by people walking away. You don't have to attack back. Walk away and everyone simmers down. Then when things are settled, the subject is changed or everyone should remain quiet until behavior is decent again. Hopefully you can avoid those scenarios. Generally those scenarios arise from too much smothered togetherness.

As you grow older, you'll learn to navigate yourself. You can't control others. You can only control yourself for the best outcome. Have class because it's all you can do.

Also, most of us retaliate because it's human nature. However, you can retaliate in your own way by remaining unwavering and steadfast regarding enforced healthy boundaries. I do it all the time. Some people call it passive aggressive behavior but I don't care because that's what a new set of boundaries are.

And, realize that often times people don't apologize because they don't feel any guilt, they truly believe their innocence, they lack empathy and will never admit to wrongdoing in a million years. Or, they gaslight you, deflect and cause you to think you're the crazy one which is infuriating. Forgive doesn't mean condone nor forget. Forgive means you move forward, learn how to deal with abnormal, disrespectful, difficult (or abusive) people and it's all about boundaries. Perpetrators won't change. YOU change. It worked for me and I hope it works for you, too. Change your trajectory.