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Thread: boyfriend contacted escort...

  1. #1
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    boyfriend contacted escort...

    My boyfriend and I live together. We have had a great relationship, with a few bumps here and there, but generally speaking everything has been great. We have been talking about marriage and kids a lot recently, and I wholeheartedly (used to) believe he was the person for me.
    A few weeks ago, i jokingly asked him how often he watched porn, assuming the answer would be “never” because, like i mentioned earlier, we live together and often work the same schedules so we are home together most of the time. Plus, we have a great sex life. He got awkward and responded “I don’t know, once a month?” I was shocked. We have always been open and honest so after a long conversation where I explained that I didn’t understand why he needed that in his life when he has me, he told me that porn is just a habit, and if being with me meant he had to give up the porn, he’d never watch again. Everything had been great since.
    Until last night. I was looking at pictures we took on his phone, when i came across a screenshot of an email response that said “Can you text me? It’s more convenient for me. My messages keep getting send to spam.” Followed with a phone number. I couldn’t see too much more of the email, but i saw that this response was in reply to a message from my boyfriends email that read “Hello. I hope you are having a good day...” Which was all I could read at the moment. So i asked my boyfriend to explain, giving him the benefit of the doubt. First he lied and said it was something he found on Reddit. I told him that was a lie because it involved his email. I then knew something was wrong. He tried to then tell me it was “spam” from his email. I asked him to pull up his email so that I could read it to understand what was going on. The rest of the message read “I would like to try to set up an appointment. Thank you!” I was furious, and told him to get out. He kept trying to tell me it was spam and that he didn’t send the message. I knew he was lying, so I told him we were done if he didn’t tell me the truth.
    So he did. He said that he did send the message, he was online somewhere and an ad popped up and that he was curious. He said that he sent the email but never texted her. He wanted to prove this to me by going to his phone provider the next day and getting records of his messages and phone calls to show me there was nothing there.
    I don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk to because I don’t want to air our dirty laundry to friends. I can’t even tell my mom because she would never forgive him, and she LOVES my boyfriend. All of my family does. I do. I don’t wanna break up with him. But i’ve told him, i’m not gonna be the stupid girl that stays with a man that everyone realizes is trash except for her. He told me he’s gonna fight for me and for our relationship and that he can’t imagine a life without me, but understands hope bad he has hurt me. I don’t wanna say goodbye to the man I was expecting to spend the rest of my life with, but I also don’t wanna stay with this man and realize later on that I should have ended things after all.
    Anyone have any words of wisdom for this 24-year old?

  2. #2
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    Words of wisdom?

    Find a new boyfriend. Seriously. You're too young to stay with a guy who is sneaky and dishonest, and looking for sex with other women. Keep in mind that what you have discovered might very well be only the tip of the iceberg with this. Do get yourself tested for STIs if you haven't already; don't be foolish enough to assume that he's being honest if he says he has never actually met up with anyone else. Perhaps he hasn't, but your health is not worth the gamble.

    The world is at your fingertips. Don't waste your best years on someone showing you such an utter lack of respect.

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    There's nothing wrong with watching porn in a relationship. When I'm with a partner and in love it increases my sex drive as I desire them more and more.

    That being said the rest of his behaviour is shifty and dodgy. If he brings his phone records to prove he has not actually done anything else then you have a decision to make. Can you ever trust him again? I would certainly get tested just in case. His behaviour has not been good even if he can prove he's never gone ahead with anything.

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    Hi,

    I agree with ninjabib that him watching porn once a month...totally understandable and I think it's good that he offered to share that with you.

    I don't like that it took him so long to admit he sent that message. One important thing that you haven't touched on is, have you and your BF discussed why he did this? This is the root of your problem and what you really have to understand before you choose to stay or go. To me it's not as simple as him apologizing and saying he'll change. I would want to know why he chose to contact this person, and saying "oh I was just curious" is not even close to being a good enough answer. Once you pare it down to the real reason, that's when you decide if it is worth it for you to stay. Good luck.

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    thank you so much for your advice!

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    thanks so much for your help. he did provide his phone records and everything came back clear, there was no sign of him texting anyone. but i still feel betrayed. i definitely have a lot to consider. thanks again.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Words of wisdom?

    Find a new boyfriend. Seriously. You're too young to stay with a guy who is sneaky and dishonest, and looking for sex with other women. Keep in mind that what you have discovered might very well be only the tip of the iceberg with this. Do get yourself tested for STIs if you haven't already; don't be foolish enough to assume that he's being honest if he says he has never actually met up with anyone else. Perhaps he hasn't, but your health is not worth the gamble.

    The world is at your fingertips. Don't waste your best years on someone showing you such an utter lack of respect.
    great advice. thanks so much.

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    It's good that you know he actually hasn't DONE anything but what he did was still not right, i think it would have seemed better if he was upfront about it when cornered for some reason. I cannot think of why someone would do that? FOr a buzz? DOesnt make sense. Had you had an argument or something just before, doesnt excuse what he did but might make some sense.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by timmyyyturn
    thanks so much for your help. he did provide his phone records and everything came back clear, there was no sign of him texting anyone. but i still feel betrayed. i definitely have a lot to consider. thanks again.
    It is indeed a betrayal.

    Whether or not he's since been in touch with anyone else isn't really the biggest issue. The most significant concern for me would be the discovery that he is exploring this curiosity to begin with, and is interested in trying to contact other women for sex. That isn't something that is likely to go away with an apology and promise to change. There is more going on with him and his actual commitment to the relationship which you'd been in the dark about until now.

    You two are on very different pages in terms of your investment in and respect for each other.

  11. #10
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    Update:
    We spent the entire following day apart (we were both at work). I told him the night of the discovery that I didn’t think I could get over this, no matter how badly I want for it to work, and that he could stay at our apartment until he finds a place to live (he’s from out of state and my mom lives a minute away so that just made the most sense). He told me he couldn’t imagine a life without me and would spend everyday rebuilding my trust. We went back and forth for a while, I was telling him that I wasn’t certain i could ever forgive him, he was telling me he would do anything to be with me. It was already 2 am, so eventually I ended the convo and told him I needed to sleep and we could talk more the following day.
    The following day we texted a bit back and forth, once again me telling him I didn’t think it was possible for us to make it work, him telling me he would do anything to make it work. I got home from work a bit before him, so when he got home he walked into me packing a suitcase to take to my moms like I had told him I was going to do. He walked into our bedroom and literally fell to the floor crying. I have seen him shed a few tears from time to time, but never like this. He couldn’t get any words out because he was crying so much. Now I know that he lied to me and betrayed me... there’s no denying that... but this was a completely genuine response to seeing me packing to leave.
    I calmed him down. We went to sit on the couch. We talked for hours. He told me how ashamed he was, how he doesn’t deserve me anymore but needs to make it work because he doesn’t wanna live without me, how he hates himself for even thinking of contacting an escourt. We tried to get to the root of WHY he had that idea and made some progress. It was definitely a productive discussion.
    Now aside from this, he has seriously been the man of my dreams. The best boyfriend, period. I understand the worry that if he has done this once, maybe he’ll do it again, or maybe there are more skeletons in his closet. I am definitely scared of this. But my heart is telling me to try to forgive. I told him, “Look, there are two ways we can move forward. We can break up. Or we can try to rebuild my trust and get past this.” I am having him connect his icloud to our shared Mac so that his messages get forwarded, and he is signing onto all of his social media/email accounts on that computer as well. Not for me to constantly snoop, because that is the furthest thing from a trusting relationship, but for me to be reassured that he isn’t hiding anything. He was more than happy to do so. I also told him that I was going to get checked for STDs (we both got checked before starting a physical relationship and we’re both clean), to which he responded that he never cheated but was understanding and then told me he would go with me to get himself checked to prove to me he hasn’t cheated. I told him that it was going to be hard. That i was going to randomly get sad and upset thinking about it and he understood. In fact today I started feeling down on myself and insecure because of what he did, and he embraced me, we talked and got through it together. I really do want to try to move on. I understand that i’m young, and maybe i’m making a mistake by choosing to forgive him and move forward. But I wholeheartedly believe that it will be worth it. Seeing him so broken after what he did to me has restored the faith that I have always had in him.
    Thank you all for letting me talk this out with you all. It has helped me more than I could ever explain and I have taken every word to heart. Thank you for helping me work through this thus far.

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