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Thread: My breakup story - with some odd particularities

  1. #1
    Member Lugus's Avatar
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    My breakup story - with some odd particularities

    Hello everyone,

    My fianceť decided to break our 5-year relationship last week, just about 15 days before our wedding. We've had an amazing relationship, I can't understate that. When I say amazing I mean it has all been incredibly weird, in a good way. We've had all sorts of adventures together. We used to do things like go track wolves in an unknown area with minimal gear and vivoac in improvised shelters during stormy weather, soaked to the bone. We've shared countless campfire nights, stayed wandering the winter forests up to the sunrise. We've shared unbelievable spiritual experiences, things I'd have considered absolutely not possible. We've gone as far as dying together.*

    But this last year, moving into a new place, reforming the house, the death of relatives, loss of many things I loved, starting a business while staying in my regular job (unpredictable schedule), and trying to make that wedding happen with very limited funds and time had damaged the relationship. I fell into a pattern of trying to grasp more than I could, getting myself more and more attached to the outcomes. I became increasingly stressed, worried, irritable and weak. As my chronic stress got worse, my ability to concentrate on multiple tasks and handle interruptions dropped drastically, and so did my performance on all tasks. I was in no situation for social interaction.

    *Some of you will be skeptical or think we should be institutionalised. I'll ask you to do the mental exercise of putting yourself in our place rather than judging the weirdness of it. It's all missing lots of details that would make me traceable.

    Eventually, she told me she couldn't marry me because I was not being the person she engaged, and she was feeling alone with me. That hurt me way more than it should have, because at the same time my friends decided to drop a year worth of complaints on me. A week later, she just dumped me despite a "significant improvement", in her own words. She said she didn't see me as a partner or potential good father anymore and didn't love me the right way anymore. She said she still loved me so much she'd die for me, but just couldn't stay in a relationship. She hasn't entirely ruled out being together again at some point but doesn't want to give me any hope.

    Something important to note is she has abandonment issues. Her father dissapeared when she was a toddler, and her step father did the same in her teens. That's probably her worst defect, she runs away from issues whenever hurt, and barely ever confronts them in time. She holds up her pain for as long as she's able to, then dissapears.

    After the worst three days of my entire life, I came to the conclusion that there was no way this year would have ended well. This event set my priorities straight, shock-erased long months of worry and attachment, and for the first time in many months I felt myself again. I started to see this as an opportunity to solve my issues and improve. While I'm looking forward to the future with a renewed thirst for life, and keep all options open, I'd definitely like to do everything in my hand to save this relationship. With the cloud of worry dissipated, I notice my own feelings were dulled. Now I'm feeling in love like a damn teenager.

    I'm looking for advice or psychological reads that may help put things in the right track. The easy part is going back to my better self, the difficult part will be tackling her fears and getting her to do the same while not making her feel pressured.
    I'm not even looking for advice on how to get her back, I'm sure she'll do as long as she can see me as a potential partner and father again, and as long as her fear doesn't get in the way. But even if she doesn't, I want us to help each other heal and grow, to improve each other. At least that would be a proper ending to a nice story.

    She's coming tomorrow to talk and decide whether to stay here, move, or go to her mother's place for a while. Coming from someone who usually just disappears, that's quite a good sign.

    My main concern right now is I could use some more time to work on myself by my own and focus on my own needs before being fully prepared to work together, but I'm not sure how distance will affect her abandonment fears. I'd also like to be prepared for the conversation that will happen tomorrow and have a better idea of what the best course of action is.

    Thank you for reading, ŅAny advice or good related reads?

  2. #2
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    Well I'm not sure what to advise really. From that read you both come across as intense people and that's not a criticism by the way just my feeling.

    Sounds like you pushed yourself so far that you lost control of your life and your relationship took a severe kicking for it. It's impossible to say whether it's recoverable but if you try and force that recovery it will definitely fail.

    What also sticks out to me is that when things were going good they were great but when you hit a sticky patch it sounds like there was no trying to work together but you naturally seemed to pull apart which isn't a good sign and I'm not laying blame at anyone's feet here

    I definitely think you should take time for yourself, fix the things that need fixing. Don't get back with her if you are not in a healthy place as the same thing will happen again and it would be fatal for the both of you next time I'm sure.


    One last thing when you say you.both died was that a recent thing? I have briefly died in an accident and was revived but as you know once you've had a near death experience the world is not the same so if it is a recent going this may play a part possibly.

  3. #3
    Member Lugus's Avatar
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    No, that was three years ago, not related to this. The NDE drew us a lot closer.

    She definitely did everything in her hand to help and supported me throughout these tough times. I'm the one who hasn't been a team worker. The issues on her side are that she focused on helping me and didn't stop to think about herself in time. If I ignored my own needs by overly focusing on tangible goals, she ignored hers by overly focusing on helping me and ignoring the fact that the whole was situation eroding her feelings and happiness up till the issue was too large to ignore.

    This happened very similarly in my previous relationship (college days), so it's mostly a problem of mine and for me to deal with. On that occasion, she did ultimately change her mind, only it was too late and I had moved on.

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    It's good that you are taking ownership and tackling your issues. It's hard to give advice on your post really as it just sounds like everything got out of hand.

    Whether you get back together and stay together depends on many things. Have you fixed your issues, can you be sure this won't happen again? Can you be sure her abandonment issues won't raise their head if you do get back together etc etc.

    As this is not the first time you have behaved like this maybe you should consider speaking to a professional about it. They can help you explore and understand why you do the things you do that cause such damage. Maybe an idea.

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    It sounds to me like you both managed to get through 4 years without any major upheaval or upset in the relationship.

    It is only when obstacles or hurdles present themselves and how each other handles those is when a relationship is truly tested . Unfortunately for you both , those hurdles came within a year of a promise to commit to each other and since neither of you responded in a way the other would like , the closer it came to that commitment date the more she dwelled on it, as you perhaps also should have.

    As much as you would like to believe itís because of her abandonment issues , I strongly believe it has nothing to do with that. If it was , she would have not stayed 5 years.

    This , I believe has more to do with her expectations of someone to respond in a different manner than you did to the hurdles you faced recently and in the past year.

    Who suffered more losses in the past year? You or her?
    Moving house, renovating etc is a joint stress.
    Who was planning the wedding? That is a lot of stress especially when restricted to a budget.
    Who had a relative or relatives that passed?
    What do you mean by having lost ďmany things you lovedĒ?
    The stress of starting a business is yours , agreed!

    Who supported who? Who expected more support? Who withdrew? Who didnít offer support?

    Be honest with your answers and think before you do answer.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    When she comes over, just listen and observe very carefully. See where she is at. Do not rehearse an agenda.
    Originally Posted by Lugus

    Eventually, she told me she couldn't marry me because I was not being the person she engaged, and she was feeling alone with me.

    She's coming tomorrow to talk and decide whether to stay here, move, or go to her mother's place for a while.

  8. #7
    Member Lugus's Avatar
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    "As much as you would like to believe itís because of her abandonment issues , I strongly believe it has nothing to do with that. If it was , she would have not stayed 5 years."

    Why wouldn't she have stayed 5 years? She didn't feel hurt or left aside through that time, she was happy, living amazing experiences and looking forward to a great future, she had no reason to fear. We've known each other since highschool. If I mentioned fear of abandonment it's because I've seen her run away from people who've hurt her without ever explaining a thing, again and again, and actually prevented her from making that mistake with friends a couple of times. She absolutely avoids any sort of confrontation, she ignores problems for a while and clings to denial, and then just walks away when they get too large.
    I genuinly want her to learn to communicate things when they can still be solved, for her own good and independently of the result for me. She's an amazing person in every other aspect.

    Moving house - both of us equally
    Renovating - mostly my work, almost 100%
    Planning the wedding - Mostly me. It wasn't exactly conventional, given the low budget. As for actual preparations, I built a stone altar in a forest clearing, made almost everything with my own hands but for the clothing, which was primarily her work.
    Relatives - Both of us. She had two deaths, I had two deaths and a third with severe Alzheimers. We also had a mutual friend in coma, who woke up recently.
    Many things I loved - With my grandfather's death there was a huge cascade of family issues, loads of hate, the properties where I lived my best times through most of my life put for sale (a house in the mountains and the family ranch where we engaged and were going to marry).

    For the most part, she supported me and took all the small daily tasks while I took the larger and more challenging ones.
    And she expected more support, or rather plain quality time and attention. I only expected to push through and finish the tasks and get back to normal life, I didn't ask for support. I was absolutely absorbed into these isssues.

    I don't think to withdraw is the word. I was a mess of a person, couldn't stop one minute without stressing out for the stuff I had to do and wasn't already done. I was fully focused on getting though the challenges, I basically forgot everything else.
    I didn't see things deteriorate, nor her having a rough time beyond what's expectable. I offered support whenever I saw she was struggling, which wasn't many times. She offered support constantly (frequently in unpractical ways)

    "As this is not the first time you have behaved like this maybe you should consider speaking to a professional about it. They can help you explore and understand why you do the things you do that cause such damage. Maybe an idea."

    It takes something to happen twice to see a pattern. The first time, I didn't understand what happened, I'm quite sure I do now. If I can't solve it on my own, I'll seek help, but not before.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    I'm still trying to figured out how you both died and how a ghost is posting.

  10. #9
    Member Lugus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    I'm still trying to figured out how you both died and how a ghost is posting.
    Not the topic of the post, but look up NDE.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    I'm still trying to figured out how you both died and how a ghost is posting.
    NDE is where you die/stop breathing/on your way to heaven/whatever for a short time and are resuscitated. For me anyway.

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