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Thread: Female (20) Boyfriend (24) Should I end it?!! Please Help

  1. #1
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    Female (20) Boyfriend (24) Should I end it?!! Please Help

    I am so lost right now someone please offer me some objective advice. Let me begin by explaining that I have had a very rough year. I suffered 3 separate traumatic events in the past two years and it has been hell on earth. I began having extreme panic attacks multiple times a day to the point where I could not function. My doctor eventually prescribed me Klonopin and it has helped me tremendously. Through all of this, my boyfriend has been a trouper- he has taken me to the hospital, come to my appointments, and talked me through almost every single one of my panic attacks. However, now that I am more stable, it seems like our relationship has become a mess. We do not see eye to eye, our communication is terrible, and we fight almost every week. Lately, we have been arguing over the fact that he cannot stick to our plans. He uses the excuse that he forgot or he is overwhelmed all of the time. It is frustrating because I have school 5 days a week and always try to find time for him. Yet, he cannot do the same and is not even in school. He works a part time job and is at home most of the time. Basically I told him, I cannot be in a relationship where my partner does not prioritize my time because it is extremely frustrating and disrespectful. He agreed to work on it but nothing has changed.
    Now most of you might say- if he can't find the time then he does not care about you etc. Well, when I told him we should take a break, he called me 3 days in a row crying saying he cannot be without me. I know he wants to be with me but his actions show otherwise.
    On our anniversary, he did not plan anything, and today he cancelled plans on me again. He said it is because he is depressed and needs to be alone. But then I find out that he bailed on me to play video games with his friends. I am really lost on what to do. He has been there through everything with me and at the beginning of our relationship he was a perfect boyfriend. I have also helped him through his depression and typically when he is sad he wants to see me because he says it cheers him up. I just feel like our relationship is changing but neither of us are ready to end it. Today he told me, "please don't be mad at me, I am really sad right now and I can't go without seeing you."
    Part of me feels like if I end it, I will be losing a lot, but another part of me believes that it is going no where. Thank you to those who read this and are willing to help! I have been very stressed about this and need some opinions.

  2. #2
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    I’ve learnt, behaviour is always more important than words. The action matters. The words don’t. The cliche is true, talk is cheap. If you ignore the words and only acknowledge the actions, your choice becomes much more clear.

    I say this as a disappointing boyfriend, and as a heartbroken fella

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by guitargirl11
    Now most of you might say- if he can't find the time then he does not care about you etc. Well, when I told him we should take a break, he called me 3 days in a row crying saying he cannot be without me. I know he wants to be with me but his actions show otherwise.
    That doesn't mean he cares about you. It just means that he wants to keep you on the hook, AND that he's manipulative. Also, he sounds amazingly entitled. Apparently, your role in this relationship depends on whether he wants to feel depressed, cheered up, or simply wants to play video games. Obviously, it's also ok for him to lie to you.

    I agree with you that this is going nowhere. I know it FEELS like you will lose something by breaking up with him, but in reality you will actually be making yourself available for better things. In the long run, a relationship like this should be a blip on the story of your life. Don't prolong the agony.

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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    That doesn't mean he cares about you. It just means that he wants to keep you on the hook, AND that he's manipulative. Also, he sounds amazingly entitled. Apparently, your role in this relationship depends on whether he wants to feel depressed, cheered up, or simply wants to play video games.
    All of the above, especially the bolded.

    Him crying about losing you means little, OP, when his actions clearly tell you he's not that bothered. He comes to you only when it's convenient for him. That isn't a relationship.

    I would part ways. The initial split will feel strange since you've become dependent on each other, but the real desire to be together just isn't mutual anymore.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's backing out of the relationship with the "busy", "depressed", "needs space" reasons. Did he meet someone at the bookstore he just started working in? You shouldn't have to twist your schedule around him and he shouldn't have to be required to forgo all outside interests for you.

    Focus on your tests, school, interests, friends and family and don't let this derail you. Ask your parents to help you get ongoing talk therapy for support for your anxiety. Guys you date for a few months should not t be acting in the place of doctors or therapists. If you need "couples therapy" after 9 mos of dating, you're simply not compatible. Everyone will feel better in the long run when you end this.
    Originally Posted by guitargirl11
    I began having extreme panic attacks multiple times a day to the point where I could not function. My doctor eventually prescribed me Klonopin and it has helped me tremendously.

  7. #6
    You talk about all that you went through but you don't acknowledge what he went through too. He was overwhelmed with all the rough things that had happened to you. He went through it with you too don't forget. Now that things have improved for you he's hanging back a bit, taking some time to breathe and having some time for him. It's not that he doesn't care about you it's just that he needs some space because it all took its toll on him too. Cut him some slack and stop judging him for wanting a little time for himself.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    To answer your hard question simply: Yes, you should end it.

    It's just clear as day, from this post and your earlier one, that you are not happy and have not been happy for some time. You've tried x, tried y—still, not happy.

    That you both care for the other and love the other—those are not reasons to stay in a relationship. If you were married, if you owned a home together, if you had kids, if you had 5-10 years of history—yeah, then I'd be offering different advice, encouraging patience, trying a, b, and c before pulling the cord. But even then I'd be skeptical.

    You, however, are only nine months in. It should be pretty simple and ecstatic at this juncture: fun hangs, hot sex, great talks, goofy nights, mutual support and growth, small differences that are easily resolved. What you're describing sounds like a drag, more like a class project you're not thrilled with but, well, have to complete to graduate. Relationships aren't supposed to feel that way, don't have to, and there's no need to condition yourself into thinking so.

    Yes, they require "work," but it's a mutual thing, an effort both people are into and on the same page about—not a chore, not an endurance test, not a battle. It is not a requirement, not something you're graded for, though a lot of people treat them as such and, in my experience, tend to be pretty miserable and beaten down.

    I know how hard it is to let go, believe me. I'm nearly twice your age, and have let go of a few loves, from relationships lasting years to shorter ones that were in ways more potent. I've broken up with people I loved, been broken up with by people who loved me. All were for the best, all allowed both of us to evolve into the people we needed to become.

    And, yes, all were painful. No denying that part. But honestly? Whether I was the one leaving or being left, the "best" breakups were when someone was just honest about being unhappy. That way you spend less time building up resentments toward each other—which are really just resentments at yourself, for staying in something past its due date.

    From what you've written it sounds like you're already starting to really resent your bf. Nothing good comes from that—just feelings of bitterness, shame, and guilt that can linger long after a relationship and rewire our emotions in unhealthy ways. Learning to let go of someone you love, learning to wish them well while accepting you both deserve something the other can't provide—that's a life skill that will serve you as well as you're impulse to work through hard times.

    Hope that helps, and best of luck.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by guitargirl11
    I am so lost right now someone please offer me some objective advice. Let me begin by explaining that I have had a very rough year. I suffered 3 separate traumatic events in the past two years and it has been hell on earth. I began having extreme panic attacks multiple times a day to the point where I could not function. My doctor eventually prescribed me Klonopin and it has helped me tremendously. Through all of this, my boyfriend has been a trouper- he has taken me to the hospital, come to my appointments, and talked me through almost every single one of my panic attacks. However, now that I am more stable, it seems like our relationship has become a mess. We do not see eye to eye, our communication is terrible, and we fight almost every week. Lately, we have been arguing over the fact that he cannot stick to our plans. He uses the excuse that he forgot or he is overwhelmed all of the time. It is frustrating because I have school 5 days a week and always try to find time for him. Yet, he cannot do the same and is not even in school. He works a part time job and is at home most of the time. Basically I told him, I cannot be in a relationship where my partner does not prioritize my time because it is extremely frustrating and disrespectful. He agreed to work on it but nothing has changed.
    Now most of you might say- if he can't find the time then he does not care about you etc. Well, when I told him we should take a break, he called me 3 days in a row crying saying he cannot be without me. I know he wants to be with me but his actions show otherwise.
    On our anniversary, he did not plan anything, and today he cancelled plans on me again. He said it is because he is depressed and needs to be alone. But then I find out that he bailed on me to play video games with his friends. I am really lost on what to do. He has been there through everything with me and at the beginning of our relationship he was a perfect boyfriend. I have also helped him through his depression and typically when he is sad he wants to see me because he says it cheers him up. I just feel like our relationship is changing but neither of us are ready to end it. Today he told me, "please don't be mad at me, I am really sad right now and I can't go without seeing you."
    Part of me feels like if I end it, I will be losing a lot, but another part of me believes that it is going no where. Thank you to those who read this and are willing to help! I have been very stressed about this and need some opinions.
    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    That doesn't mean he cares about you. It just means that he wants to keep you on the hook, AND that he's manipulative. Also, he sounds amazingly entitled. Apparently, your role in this relationship depends on whether he wants to feel depressed, cheered up, or simply wants to play video games. Obviously, it's also ok for him to lie to you.

    I agree with you that this is going nowhere. I know it FEELS like you will lose something by breaking up with him, but in reality you will actually be making yourself available for better things. In the long run, a relationship like this should be a blip on the story of your life. Don't prolong the agony.
    Originally Posted by RayofLighten
    You talk about all that you went through but you don't acknowledge what he went through too. He was overwhelmed with all the rough things that had happened to you. He went through it with you too don't forget. Now that things have improved for you he's hanging back a bit, taking some time to breathe and having some time for him. It's not that he doesn't care about you it's just that he needs some space because it all took its toll on him too. Cut him some slack and stop judging him for wanting a little time for himself.
    One thing I want to point out. Coming from personal experience, when I am extremely depressed I like to play video games. It helps me forget about real life and talk to my close friends online about any issues I am having. For me, it often is truly a therapy session.

    If he was really there for you during all that time, I think you should try to be understanding and be there for him if he is having a difficult time.

    That doesn't mean you should let him abuse you, but please do try to be understanding and not selfish.

  10. #9
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    How long have you two been together? Was he irresponsible in the beginning? Are you guys still intimate?

    It sounds like his love level dropped because he was trying to be both your boyfriend and therapist for a long time - that's impossible, they are two different roles.

  11. #10

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    Can I just take a minute to celebrate with you? You have come through very difficult time and are in a better place. That is so good! Now, on to your current situation. How well do you and your boyfriend communicate? I believe this is so important in any relationship, but especially when you have been through something challenging like what you guys went through. You guys need to talk, really talk about everything you both went through. Maybe this will help in getting to a place of understanding for both of you and you guys will know what the other is feeling and whether or not to continue moving forward in your relationship. May you stay strong and believe in yourself no matter what!

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