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Thread: Who controls the money in a relationship?

  1. #1

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    Who controls the money in a relationship?

    I know my title sounds controlling. I personally think in a long relationship finances should be equal in a shared bank account. However my partner (been together 8 years) is obsessed with money, he thinks Iím not good at saving (I disagree I think i can save but now and then I also like to live and spend money), he wants all the money kept and deposited into one account that I wonít have access too, so he can watch it grow and we can save for a house deposit. I donít feel good about this. It stresses me out. I love him, but I donít love his obsession with money that has always caused underlying stress in our relationship.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    No, I wouldn't agree to his unreasonable idea. In my marriage, we have our names on each others separate accounts. We have come up with what we think is a fair divvying up of which bills I will pay and which bills he will pay. We don't split one bill, which is too much work, and if one of us payed the other like rent to pay the bills, the psychology of that would seem strange to us. Each of us will pick up groceries and each of us take turns for treating each other to restaurant meals.

    You two have to come to a consensus on how you will handle finances. I'd suggest agreeing to a set amount you each save per month toward a house deposit which won't be touched unless there is an emergency. Assuming you live together, after the bills are paid, and some money is also given to savings if you don't already have a 3 month emergency fund, then certainly whatever is leftover should be used on fun experiences.

    Is he a tightwad and you can't even enjoy life because he refuses to go to the movies or restaurants, or mini trips? Do you enjoy life with him besides having opposite thoughts on finances? Is he a dictator or does he work with you like a team player?

    Never let anyone lock up your money without your access. Keep your own funds in your own account, and don't even put his name on your account to access with his mindset. You'd likely find it gone and placed into his account.

  3. #3
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    Why don't you have your own account, and pool the same amount as him, into a shared account (with both your names) every month

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Wow I'd never go along with anyone who wanted all of my money in HIS account. You need your own account.

    My husband and I have a joint account and when he worked and I was home with kids we still had a joint account. I paid the bills with the money he earned. You need trust in a relationship and bank accounts.

    What would you do if you split up and he had control of all of the money? How would you live and eat and pay rent? You wouldn't. Everyone needs their own identity and a bank account is part of that, and mature and trusting people have joint accounts.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Wow I'd never go along with anyone who wanted all of my money in HIS account. You need your own account.

    My husband and I have a joint account and when he worked and I was home with kids we still had a joint account. I paid the bills with the money he earned. You need trust in a relationship and bank accounts.

    What would you do if you split up and he had control of all of the money? How would you live and eat and pay rent? You wouldn't. Everyone needs their own identity and a bank account is part of that, and mature and trusting people have joint accounts.
    I second this post.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your partner of 8 years won't allow you to have access to your joint acct? Now, would you call that fair? Of course not! Make sure you have your own money and your own acct! Also, don't buy a house together jointly on the title especially if you're unmarried otherwise should your relationship go south, you'll encounter messy legal problems to split the property down the road. Consult a real estate attorney and while you're at it, couples counseling. Your troubles are brewing regarding finances which will only grow worse over time. There are major trust issues at stake.

    I'm married, have a joint and separate acct. No one controls the money. My husband and I are aware of every penny in and out of all accts. We're both held accountable.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I don't agree with his idea. Also it might be borderline financial abuse (yes, this exists) denying you access to your joint account.

    I've never lived with someone so I don't know what's best but from people I know, my common sense and what I read online, I'd say that the finances should be controlled by both and that there are 2 methods that seem to work:

    - Having your separate accounts where you do whatever you want with your money but having a joint account where BOTH have access and to where both deposit a certain amount of money every month (this amount is proportional to your earnings) and this account is used to pay expenses of the couple like housing, utilities, car and stuff or even the couple's get aways.

    - Having separate accounts where there's transparency about these accounts and the expenses being divided fairly by both. In someone couples the other transfers their expense amount to the partner who then pays the expense for example.

    Remember that finances is one of the main reasons for divorce. Some people are incompatible with the way they deal with money and that makes it for unhealthy living situations. Never move in with someone and have joint accounts/living with someone who's spending style is not compatible to yours/before knowing their views on money and household organisation.

    Oh, and it usually gets messy when people who are not married buy houses together, specially if they're in disagreement in finances or in other aspects of the relationship. I'd hold off from giving him such control of your finances and buying a house with him. Also, it might be a good idea hiring a financial consultant or something to help. An outside professional with no bias is better equipped to help you both than a controlling man.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ndk
    Why don't you have your own account, and pool the same amount as him, into a shared account (with both your names) every month
    This is what I think is best and fair. You need to keep your own bank account in case you split or something happens. NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE (HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND OR WHATEVER) HAVE CONTROL OF YOUR FINANCES. Yes, transparency and joint accounts is good, but you still need to have your bank account with your money. Financial control/abuse is a thing and it's something that abusers and other controlling people use to control the victim. If they deny them all their financial freedom and control and get all their money under their control, then the victim can't leave if things get bad. This is always a bad sign. He might not be like that, but nothing good ever comes from not having your own bank account and giving him all the control of your money. The responsibility for the finances should be shared. Transparency is one thing, total control is another. Also, if he gets all your money into account, if you separate, you'll get ZERO and won't have a way to eat, pay rent and survive. And the legal system won't help you recover the money because you're not married and you gave him your money willingly. You won't have right to anything. Be careful.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Never commingle finances with someone you have no legal contract with. Keep all your finances separate. Never under any circumstances allow someone to hijack your paycheck and place it under their control.

    You seriously need to reconsider the compatibility of this relationship and the motives of your partner. Do not buy a house with this person. Privately and confidentially see an accountant, financial planner and an attorney.

    Also consider therapy privately and confidentially to examine why you are in this incompatible abusive controlling situation. Do not let him continue to strong arm you into handing over your money to an account he controls and you have no access to.

    Most abuse starts with financial abuse and the kind of put downs, gaslighting and infantilizing that he is already doing. Get out now.
    Originally Posted by Loanieee
    I personally think in a long relationship finances should be equal in a shared bank account.

    he wants all the money kept and deposited into one account that I wonít have access too, so he can watch it grow and we can save for a house deposit.

  11. #10
    He cant stop you from having control over your own earned money, that's ridiculous. Why don't you have your own bank account? Are you actually a reckless spender? Is that why he wants complete control? Either way he is too controlling.

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