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Who controls the money in a relationship?


Loanieee

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I know my title sounds controlling. I personally think in a long relationship finances should be equal in a shared bank account. However my partner (been together 8 years) is obsessed with money, he thinks I’m not good at saving (I disagree I think i can save but now and then I also like to live and spend money), he wants all the money kept and deposited into one account that I won’t have access too, so he can watch it grow and we can save for a house deposit. I don’t feel good about this. It stresses me out. I love him, but I don’t love his obsession with money that has always caused underlying stress in our relationship.

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No, I wouldn't agree to his unreasonable idea. In my marriage, we have our names on each others separate accounts. We have come up with what we think is a fair divvying up of which bills I will pay and which bills he will pay. We don't split one bill, which is too much work, and if one of us payed the other like rent to pay the bills, the psychology of that would seem strange to us. Each of us will pick up groceries and each of us take turns for treating each other to restaurant meals.

 

You two have to come to a consensus on how you will handle finances. I'd suggest agreeing to a set amount you each save per month toward a house deposit which won't be touched unless there is an emergency. Assuming you live together, after the bills are paid, and some money is also given to savings if you don't already have a 3 month emergency fund, then certainly whatever is leftover should be used on fun experiences.

 

Is he a tightwad and you can't even enjoy life because he refuses to go to the movies or restaurants, or mini trips? Do you enjoy life with him besides having opposite thoughts on finances? Is he a dictator or does he work with you like a team player?

 

Never let anyone lock up your money without your access. Keep your own funds in your own account, and don't even put his name on your account to access with his mindset. You'd likely find it gone and placed into his account.

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Wow I'd never go along with anyone who wanted all of my money in HIS account. You need your own account.

 

My husband and I have a joint account and when he worked and I was home with kids we still had a joint account. I paid the bills with the money he earned. You need trust in a relationship and bank accounts.

 

What would you do if you split up and he had control of all of the money? How would you live and eat and pay rent? You wouldn't. Everyone needs their own identity and a bank account is part of that, and mature and trusting people have joint accounts.

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Wow I'd never go along with anyone who wanted all of my money in HIS account. You need your own account.

 

My husband and I have a joint account and when he worked and I was home with kids we still had a joint account. I paid the bills with the money he earned. You need trust in a relationship and bank accounts.

 

What would you do if you split up and he had control of all of the money? How would you live and eat and pay rent? You wouldn't. Everyone needs their own identity and a bank account is part of that, and mature and trusting people have joint accounts.

 

I second this post.

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Your partner of 8 years won't allow you to have access to your joint acct? Now, would you call that fair? Of course not! Make sure you have your own money and your own acct! Also, don't buy a house together jointly on the title especially if you're unmarried otherwise should your relationship go south, you'll encounter messy legal problems to split the property down the road. Consult a real estate attorney and while you're at it, couples counseling. Your troubles are brewing regarding finances which will only grow worse over time. There are major trust issues at stake. :icon_sad:

 

I'm married, have a joint and separate acct. No one controls the money. My husband and I are aware of every penny in and out of all accts. We're both held accountable.

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I don't agree with his idea. Also it might be borderline financial abuse (yes, this exists) denying you access to your joint account.

 

I've never lived with someone so I don't know what's best but from people I know, my common sense and what I read online, I'd say that the finances should be controlled by both and that there are 2 methods that seem to work:

 

- Having your separate accounts where you do whatever you want with your money but having a joint account where BOTH have access and to where both deposit a certain amount of money every month (this amount is proportional to your earnings) and this account is used to pay expenses of the couple like housing, utilities, car and stuff or even the couple's get aways.

 

- Having separate accounts where there's transparency about these accounts and the expenses being divided fairly by both. In someone couples the other transfers their expense amount to the partner who then pays the expense for example.

 

Remember that finances is one of the main reasons for divorce. Some people are incompatible with the way they deal with money and that makes it for unhealthy living situations. Never move in with someone and have joint accounts/living with someone who's spending style is not compatible to yours/before knowing their views on money and household organisation.

 

Oh, and it usually gets messy when people who are not married buy houses together, specially if they're in disagreement in finances or in other aspects of the relationship. I'd hold off from giving him such control of your finances and buying a house with him. Also, it might be a good idea hiring a financial consultant or something to help. An outside professional with no bias is better equipped to help you both than a controlling man.

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Why don't you have your own account, and pool the same amount as him, into a shared account (with both your names) every month

 

This is what I think is best and fair. You need to keep your own bank account in case you split or something happens. NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE (HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND OR WHATEVER) HAVE CONTROL OF YOUR FINANCES. Yes, transparency and joint accounts is good, but you still need to have your bank account with your money. Financial control/abuse is a thing and it's something that abusers and other controlling people use to control the victim. If they deny them all their financial freedom and control and get all their money under their control, then the victim can't leave if things get bad. This is always a bad sign. He might not be like that, but nothing good ever comes from not having your own bank account and giving him all the control of your money. The responsibility for the finances should be shared. Transparency is one thing, total control is another. Also, if he gets all your money into account, if you separate, you'll get ZERO and won't have a way to eat, pay rent and survive. And the legal system won't help you recover the money because you're not married and you gave him your money willingly. You won't have right to anything. Be careful.

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Never commingle finances with someone you have no legal contract with. Keep all your finances separate. Never under any circumstances allow someone to hijack your paycheck and place it under their control.

 

You seriously need to reconsider the compatibility of this relationship and the motives of your partner. Do not buy a house with this person. Privately and confidentially see an accountant, financial planner and an attorney.

 

Also consider therapy privately and confidentially to examine why you are in this incompatible abusive controlling situation. Do not let him continue to strong arm you into handing over your money to an account he controls and you have no access to.

 

Most abuse starts with financial abuse and the kind of put downs, gaslighting and infantilizing that he is already doing. Get out now.

I personally think in a long relationship finances should be equal in a shared bank account.

 

he wants all the money kept and deposited into one account that I won’t have access too, so he can watch it grow and we can save for a house deposit.

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Accountant speaking in.

 

Budget your money. Come up with how much you need to cover expenses (plus a buffer) and how much each of you want to save. Agree on it.

Each of you deposit money for bills and savings into a joint account. The rest goes into personal accounts that you each get to spend how you please.

 

Win win.. Everyone is happy and there will be savings.

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I agree with you, Nickel. It's a start. It's not the only strategy. Some couples don't agree on joint accounts, period. That's their prerogative.

 

Loaniee, why would your partner believe you're not good at saving? Are you also trying to pay down any debt and what was/is the reason behind any debt? I'm asking from the relationship aspect of things.

 

I'd also be curious to know about what his background with money is (has he dug himself out of debt and is he anxious to save rather than accumulate debt?). Not everyone is the same or will have the same ideas or attitudes towards money or how it's used. Have you had previous conversations where things might have been misunderstood at an earlier date? I'm asking to understand where his existing notions or preconceived notions about you are coming from.

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I know my title sounds controlling. I personally think in a long relationship finances should be equal in a shared bank account. However my partner (been together 8 years) is obsessed with money, he thinks I’m not good at saving (I disagree I think i can save but now and then I also like to live and spend money), he wants all the money kept and deposited into one account that I won’t have access too, so he can watch it grow and we can save for a house deposit. I don’t feel good about this. It stresses me out. I love him, but I don’t love his obsession with money that has always caused underlying stress in our relationship.
I mean there's about 1000 miles of distance between the two.

 

I would never agree to any deal that didn't involve either of us having our own accounts to play or contribute with at our own leisure. Still, we combine for costs we're both responsible for.

 

What I will say, and this sounds like what your partner has planned, is we do have a brokerage account that I solely handle and which she contributes extra funds for me to invest when she can and wants to. The problem with your situation is it sounds like you two aren't married, which could involve what would be considered taxable gifts either between him transferring his assets into a joint tenancy or you two eventually not working out and having to cash out between each other. I'm not intimately familiar with that aspect, and I'm sure the accountant in this thread could correct me on everything, but do know the tax is rarely ever cheap, and there are a whole lot of other implications with a joint brokerage account than there are with a joint bank account, especially those non-spousal. I also think there are hurdles that hinder effective liquidity if a decision needs to be made straight away in a non-spousal joint tenancy. That's not to say I'd take him up on it in your shoes, but that there are reasons it'd solely be in his name were you to go down the road of investing the extra money as a means to save for a home.

 

There are ways to contractually work around issues, but I wouldn't mess with de facto joint assets. I'd get married first, and that's not because I'm a romantic. As to the more general question, "control" tends to operate on a sliding scale, but access to joint funds and assets should be equal, with the more financially responsible party trusting their partner pretty much not to **** anything up.

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If you aren't married, there should be no joint accounts period. You split the bills however you two agree and pay your respective shares. What you do with the rest of your funds is your personal business. Do not buy property together unless married. If you have no plans of getting married, however, please consult a lawyer on how to purchase jointly so that you can both easily get out should the relationship tank. Ultimately, I still strongly recommend against buying jointly and any decent lawyer will tell you the same. If you aren't married, keep your finances and assets completely separate and in your own respective names. Do not play house and wifey when it comes to money, savings, and assets.

 

Overall, what you are describing sounds more like financial control and abuse rather than just being obsessed with money, as you so kindly put it. Even if married, there is absolutely no way that you have an account where you have no legal access to it. Sure, couples can agree that a certain person will be in charge of bills or in charge of investments or both, but both partners have absolute right of access and ability to check the statements, accounts, etc. For this guy to insist on taking absolute control and cut you out financially is beyond unacceptable, it's actively dangerous to you. You are placing yourself at his absolute mercy and nobody should ever put themselves in that position. He shouldn't even be asking, let alone telling you that you aren't good enough and then taking control. That is the definition of abusive, controlling behavior.

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I don't think it matters what other people do with money in their relationships, or what the normal situation is for other people. What matters is what you're comfortable with and what you want. And the two of you want different things. It's not fair to either of you to have it one way or the other when one of you is not comfortable with it. You two disagree on so much about money; you think two people should equally have a share in the combined finances, he thinks only he should have control over it, you think he is "obsessed with money" - a phrase that doesn't suggest that you trust his judgement, and you both disagree on whether or not you are any good at saving money, which suggests that he doesn't trust your judgement, either. So regardless of WHAT you two actually want or think about it, the fact is you don't agree, so right now I don't think you should combine anything, not until you can agree on it or come to a compromise. I can see why it stresses you out.

 

Maybe you can open a savings account that only he has access to, but together you will decide how much you want to contribute to it every month, and whatever else you make is yours to control and spend how you want. Do you think h would be willing to agree to that?

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BOTH your names should be on the account.

I have an aunt and uncle. The aunt will save a tiny bit of money - but the latest handbag comes first. And she buys two $8 lattes a day.

So they are both on the account, but my uncle transfers an appropriate amount of money to savings when the direct deposits hit before she can get her hands on it to go on a shopping spree. She obviously can access the money at any time but they both agree once its in the savings account, its hands off.

 

I do agree that if you are not a saver and he is better at finances, maybe he is the one who pays the bills. But you should have access to all the money, too.

The only way i disagree is if you have a gambling addiction,a drug problem, or your mortgage doesn't get paid because you empty the account at the mall - then i would agree you should not have access

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I mean there's about 1000 miles of distance between the two.

 

I would never agree to any deal that didn't involve either of us having our own accounts to play or contribute with at our own leisure. Still, we combine for costs we're both responsible for.

 

What I will say, and this sounds like what your partner has planned, is we do have a brokerage account that I solely handle and which she contributes extra funds for me to invest when she can and wants to. The problem with your situation is it sounds like you two aren't married, which could involve what would be considered taxable gifts either between him transferring his assets into a joint tenancy or you two eventually not working out and having to cash out between each other. I'm not intimately familiar with that aspect, and I'm sure the accountant in this thread could correct me on everything, but do know the tax is rarely ever cheap, and there are a whole lot of other implications with a joint brokerage account than there are with a joint bank account, especially those non-spousal. I also think there are hurdles that hinder effective liquidity if a decision needs to be made straight away in a non-spousal joint tenancy. That's not to say I'd take him up on it in your shoes, but that there are reasons it'd solely be in his name were you to go down the road of investing the extra money as a means to save for a home.

 

There are ways to contractually work around issues, but I wouldn't mess with de facto joint assets. I'd get married first, and that's not because I'm a romantic. As to the more general question, "control" tends to operate on a sliding scale, but access to joint funds and assets should be equal, with the more financially responsible party trusting their partner pretty much not to **** anything up.

 

I'm not a tax accountant, but from what I remember, My opinion is still that the transfers would be a non-taxable gift if she were also on the account. Either way, I'm speculating and it would generally be a bad idea should things go south. The person listed on the tax document first would also be the one who should claim any income from the brokerage account on taxes, for IRS's sake. Even though the reality is that it should be 50/50.

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He cant stop you from having control over your own earned money, that's ridiculous. Why don't you have your own bank account? Are you actually a reckless spender? Is that why he wants complete control? Either way he is too controlling.

 

Even if she was a reckless spender it wouldn't be a boyfriend's job to control her finances, but instead to leave her if the spending styles are so non compatible.

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I know my title sounds controlling. I personally think in a long relationship finances should be equal in a shared bank account. However my partner (been together 8 years) is obsessed with money, he thinks I’m not good at saving (I disagree I think i can save but now and then I also like to live and spend money), he wants all the money kept and deposited into one account that I won’t have access too, so he can watch it grow and we can save for a house deposit. I don’t feel good about this. It stresses me out. I love him, but I don’t love his obsession with money that has always caused underlying stress in our relationship.

 

I would never share an account with someone I was not married to. I think that's nuts!

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Think long and hard and reflect on this logically.

1. If he is so great with money why does he need yours to buy a house/get a mortgage?

2. What if he dumps you after your money is locked up in this account rather than for this supposed 'future house"?

3. If a stranger said give me your paycheck and I'll invest it for you but you can't have access to it, would it make sense to you?

4. Telling you you're too incompetent, stupid or undisciplined to manage your own money is gaslighting you to wear you down so you go along with this scam..

he wants all the money kept and deposited into one account that I won’t have access too, so he can watch it grow and we can save for a house deposit
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Think long and hard and reflect on this logically.

1. If he is so great with money why does he need yours to buy a house/get a mortgage?

2. What if he dumps you after your money is locked up in this account rather than for this supposed 'future house"?

3. If a stranger said give me your paycheck and I'll invest it for you but you can't have access to it, would it make sense to you?

4. Telling you you're too incompetent, stupid or undisciplined to manage your own money is gaslighting you to wear you down so you go along with this scam..

 

Unfortunately I also smell a scam here. I'd run away as fast as I could. This is a glaring red flag and recipe for disaster.

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