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Thread: Am I pushing her away?

  1. #1
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    Am I pushing her away?

    I donít want to be a bore, so Iíll be as succinct as I can be.

    My GF and I have been together for 7 months, weíre both 33. She is incredibly independent and time poor currently. Intense and inconvenient work schedule and studying, very close relationship with her mum, and as internationals, they are both trying to get permanent residency here and spends a lot of time and money on legal fees and advice.

    Our relationship works. Itís always been fun and supportive, apart from a few minor tiffs along the way. Iíve never done anything to push her away and am always conscious of the obligations in her life that are obstacles to our time together.

    Only a few days ago, I guess I got insecure for the first time in our relationship. I was very unsettled on a day she told me Ďeverything is fine, just a lot on my mindí. I didnít believe her (she has never been dishonest with me) and in my mind she was pulling back and being distant. I missed her terribly and all I wanted was to be in her presence. Again, Iíve never been like this before.

    In an effort not to be intense or a negative presence, I pulled back myself. Not responding to messages for a few hours and being distant myself. Self awarely passive aggressive. She called me out on it on the final day of her tribunal process and I told her Iím all fine and wished her luck. I was to see her later in the day. By this point I was in a bad mood. I wanted to be with her, or have her validation and I didnít have it. On a day that should have been about her an her mum, I had a bad mood and failed at hiding it. I wasnít abusive or anything, just not jovial on what should have been a happy day for everyone. ☹️☹️☹️

    We ended up having a fight, even though I didnít want to, I was just upset and missed her terribly. I told her I find myself missing her more than spending time with her, and Iím tired of missing her. That fight was a little tense overnight and into the next morning. She came over my house last night for dinner in an effort to get things back to normal, which went well, but there could still be some residual resentment that Is a few days away from dispersing.

    So, question time, is there any serious flow in effect from this that I should be concerned about? She is very stoic, and Iím a talker. I do love her so much, but I feel a self sabotage coming on because I want more than what she is able to offer currently.

    Any thoughts would be immensely appreciated

    Thatís was far longer than I intended. Sorry

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. At 7 mos of dating the rosy glow can wear off and the real issues of incompatibilities like this begin to appear. She is too busy for you with all that's on her plate. Playing games won't change that, only make matters worse, as you have seen. There are no games that are going to make her be able to hold your hand 24/7. Try to find someone with a more compatible lifestyle and communication style. It's going to get worse, not better, if she's always too busy and you're playing games.

  3. #3
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    Thanks for your advice. If it helps, the study is done and dusted in 9 weeks and the residency should only be weeks away too. Weíve talked and Iíve said eighth now what we have is hard, itís not easy and I know Iím putting up with a lot, but I know sheís with it too.

  4. #4
    Don't play mind games because it seriously backfired on you. You guys don't seem compatible to be honest. You have a connection but no proper communication.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    How often do you guys see each other?

  7. #6
    Silver Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    Playing games will not work in a lot term relationship. Either accept that she won't always have time for you, or find someone who is more on your level of neediness.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Seems like you're not comprehending or understanding at all the magnitude of the changes going on in your gf/her mum's lives. You're fortunate she's putting up with you. If you do know what it's like and you are an immigrant also, you should know better. I'm not saying this to be trite. I'm being honest with you that you're coming across as a needy and unworldly. She may outgrow you quickly. I'm being very honest here.

    I would apologize to her and practice some restraint when it comes to your messages and self-control with your emotions. Think things through carefully. Even if feeling those emotions are okay (you are entitled to that), raining a barrage of emotions on someone unsuspecting or undeserving in a given moment is not appropriate. I say it's inappropriate only because of your descriptions of the events above. If there is a more appropriate time and she really is halfhearted about you in general, I'd suspect she is outgrowing you or that you both don't share enough lived experiences or have enough in common. Try to process a bit better and think carefully about what your end point or your overarching message is in a clear way that is open to discussion and gives the other person room to open up also.

  9. #8
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    We see each other about twice weekly. Sometimes 3 times, sometimes only once. It depends on our schedules

  10. #9
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    Iím not an immigrant. This is my home. I have somewhat of a greater understanding of the immigration rules and always thought their application would be successful. Maybe thatís why I didnít lend myself to the stress they were experiencing. I have apologised for my mood and I canít stress enough this is the first time in 7 months Iíve felt like that. I know I should have exhibited some self control. I fear she has seen a side of me she doesnít like.

    Iíll fill you in when I know more

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Are you engaged enough in your own life beyond the GF? Sure, you can fight urges to drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, but you'll need to resolve that on your own regardless of whether GF wants to continue with you, or not. So there's no time like the present: get a therapist or a life coach or a good friend or family member to aid your accountability in cultivating your own life. From there, whoever comes or goes still matters, but you won't confuse that with a lifeline.

    Neediness is smothering, and if you don't want to snuff out your connection, you'll need to recognize that you can't whine or manipulate yourself into someone else's good graces. Behave your way there with self sufficiency, patience and maturity--all of which are foundational to building resilience as a life skill.

    If you can't function well on your own without the GF, you'll only position yourself with a need to do that permanently.


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