Boyfriend bailed again how do I handle this?

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months (he’s 24 I’m 20).!For a while he had nothing really going on. He was always free and would ask to see me every day. Eventually I said “I’m really stressed with school we need to see each other less.” I think this motivated him to start working. Now he works at a bookstore and does real estate stuff from time to time (he’s very new to real estate). Anyways, I have class 5 days a week and non stop homework but I always make time for him. Now that he has work he has no idea how to balance his schedule. What makes me even more mad is that on his off days, he sees his friends. He only sees me the days he has work. So I usually see him when he’s tired and cranky, and it’s for a few hours?

Anyways I haven’t seen him in over a week. His off days were Monday and Tuesday and he chose to spend them at his friend’s house till 1am. He asked if he could see me today after work and stay the night and I said yes. However I have school till 9:30 pm tonight and a ton of homework due. So I spent two days getting all my homework done for the week so I could see him tonight. Then he sends me a text saying “I’m feeling really down, I may need to rest I’m not sure what’s going on. But I think I’m going to take the day for myself and go home after work.” (Instead of coming to my house)

I try to be understanding and I told him that it’s okay, but it’s becoming really frustrating. Just a week ago he said he would be better about making plans and sticking to them.

Lastly, because of this, he wants to hang out Sunday instead but I have two huge tests on Monday. I’m fed up with him expecting me to revolve my schedule around him.

Basically- I don’t know how to handle this. He knows I hate when he bails on our plans. And I already texted him saying, “it’s fine I can see you another time.” Even though I’m really pissed. So what do I do now essentially?

Are you sure he knows it upsets you? Your response to him says otherwise

Yes we went to couples therapy last week and talked in depth about this. This time I said it was fine because I’m sick of telling him I’m upset about plans being cancelled

You've been together only nine months, at 20, and you're already in couples therapy? Relationships don't need to be this much work, especially this early and this young.

Honestly, it kind of sounds like you've outgrown him. Maybe in the early days there was a certain pleasure you got from all his attention, followed by a certain pleasure in pushing him to level up and seeing him blossom a bit. But there's a point where it gets a bit tedious to keep trying to teach someone how to be, you know, a person.

I can see how, for him, being with you is great. He gets a super star woman who can juggle a lot of balls with grace, help him learn to juggle himself, and so on; but what are you getting out of this, save a project?

Would I be right in guessing that couples counseling—much like pushing him to get a job—was your idea?

Agreed. Too much work.

You can do better than this.

He sounds kinda like a dead weight.

Replied in your identical thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=558163&p=7106743&viewfull=1#post7106743

I also replied in your other post as you have failed to disclose a lot of necessary information here. I.e he supported and went through a lot with you when you went through a rough time. It's only been 9 months and he went through a storm of emotions with you. Cut him some slack.

Well, if you are both too busy, something has to give? It's hard to have a date night when you are too busy. One or both of you need to drop it back to a 40 hour work/school week if you want a relationship.

Wow your other post paints a completely different picture

Not really sure how to respond

Are his friends the priority?

.................

You ask to see less of him , yet when he obliges , you complain.

You now say you are fed up with him expecting you to revolve your schedule around him.

But isn’t that what you asked of him initially?

School in not so intensive that it does not allow you to have a social life.

I’ve been there! When you start working , that’s when you suddenly have more money to party but less energy and time to.

If you struggle now to keep to a schedule , I hate to think how you will manage in 4 years time.

You basically enjoyed that he was free to see you whenever because that suited you. Especially all those times he spent accompanying you to hospital appointments etc.

You did realise that can’t be every day. And told him do.

He now does have his own schedule and you dislike not being the centre of his universe which does sometimes come with last minute cancellations. Because he now actually does have other commitments.

You are annoyed and frustrated at his alternate suggested date , that’s fine , but understand that this is a communication issue with you two.

Why are you angry? Because you have an exam or because you are cancelling on him because of it?

Why can’t you see him the day before your exam anyway?

It’s a Sunday. No school. Have lunch , hang out for a few hours and relax.

If you are studying last minute then that’s poor scheduling on your part is it not?

yes because I realized I need to be more objective about the situation and talk about the relationship as a whole, not just recent events. Hence, why I explained other aspects of our relationship leading up to this.

So why not hang out with him while you get work done -at least you'll be together and can take little breaks, play kissy face or chat or whatever. My husband and I work from home quite a bit and sit two feet away from each other. Very often we're totally focused on work but it's nice to have the company. When we were dating we did similar things because I had a crazy unpredictable long-hours job and his job was not as unpredictable but he traveled a lot. We made it work. Of course your boyfriend knows how to balance his schedule -he chooses not to. He obviously balances his work schedule, for example or else he'd be fired for not completing his tasks, etc.

I'll explain further: He did not have a job or go to school for the first 6 months we were together. Then he would get mad and controlling if I did not have time to see him. Now that he has a job, it has become less of an issue. However, for the first 6 months, I was compromising friendships, school, and my future to see him (which is not healthy). Yet, I have become a lot better at balancing work and school while maintaining relationships. He is not quite there. He has not been able to manage working 4 days a week (each day is a 4 hour shift), and keeping his plans (and they are not plans I make, they are plans that he makes). But I am a very objective person and I realize that he was there for me a lot at the beginning of our relationship (hence, why I do not want to break up with him). I give people the benefit of the doubt and I am well aware that he may just be stressed or overwhelmed. The purpose of my post is due to the fact that I do not know if this is normal or not. I see that he is more busy now, but when he has free time, he decides to make a date with me. To make time for that, I will study for everything in advance, and last minute he will bail. So yes, it does become frustrating after a while. Also, I never cancelled on him, so I do not understand where you got that from?

Lastly, I do not procrastinate on studying....I am a neuroscience major and a little OCD about getting straight A's. Which means that I am studying around the clock. But no need to be concerned about how "I will manage in 4 years time." I am a 4.0 student woking part time while taking care of my younger brother- I think I can manage my life- so no need to worry.

So what's the deal with wanting to be an "objective" person - certainly it's about being reasonable but of course you bring your bias to your approach and mindset. It's all over your post. You value education, getting a 4.0, etc. You want to be "fair" -not "objective - you want to cut him slack because he cut you slack. But you have to figure out your personal boundaries. And you seem frustrated and resentful that he cancels last minute. I would be too. I personally would not give that person more than two chances to treat me with respect and figure out on his own how to make and keep a plan. On his part it's desire not ability. He chooses not to put effort into keeping a plan. He does know how.

I don't think you two have compatible values or goals. You are a full time student with an intense program and study schedule and he either didn't work or go to school at all or worked part time. You haven't mentioned if he has atypical family responsibilities -perhaps a caretaker for an ill parent, etc. Doesn't sound like it.

If someone works 16 hours a week it's a no brainer to make and keep social plans. Is that objective? No, it's my opinion. And no you don't owe him in this way - you don't owe him your time and effort this many times if he keeps bailing. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. If he wanted to see you he'd make it happen. The end.

Sorry my response was meant for Billie, but yes I agree. I was trying to be objective by explaining his side as best as I could and then my side (so I made two posts because I felt the first was very bias). Anyways, he does not have at home responsibilities, he grew up very wealthy and I did not. So yes, our values are very different:/ thank you for your advice

Sorry my response was meant for Billie, but yes I agree. I was trying to be objective by explaining his side as best as I could and then my side (so I made two posts because I felt the first was very bias). Anyways, he does not have at home responsibilities, he grew up very wealthy and I did not. So yes, our values are very different:/ thank you for your advice

What does wealth have to do with caring for family members? I understand he doesn't have to but wealth can buy you a housecleaner or a nurse, for sure, but many people also want to be involved in caring for their loved ones.

If you have different core values I think that's the simple answer. Good luck.

I'll explain further: He did not have a job or go to school for the first 6 months we were together. Then he would get mad and controlling if I did not have time to see him. Now that he has a job, it has become less of an issue. However, for the first 6 months, I was compromising friendships, school, and my future to see him (which is not healthy). Yet, I have become a lot better at balancing work and school while maintaining relationships. He is not quite there. He has not been able to manage working 4 days a week (each day is a 4 hour shift), and keeping his plans (and they are not plans I make, they are plans that he makes). But I am a very objective person and I realize that he was there for me a lot at the beginning of our relationship (hence, why I do not want to break up with him). I give people the benefit of the doubt and I am well aware that he may just be stressed or overwhelmed. The purpose of my post is due to the fact that I do not know if this is normal or not. I see that he is more busy now, but when he has free time, he decides to make a date with me. To make time for that, I will study for everything in advance, and last minute he will bail. So yes, it does become frustrating after a while. Also, I never cancelled on him, so I do not understand where you got that from?

Lastly, I do not procrastinate on studying....I am a neuroscience major and a little OCD about getting straight A's. Which means that I am studying around the clock. But no need to be concerned about how "I will manage in 4 years time." I am a 4.0 student woking part time while taking care of my younger brother- I think I can manage my life- so no need to worry.

YOU by your OWN choice compromised your friendships , school , future as you put it to see this guy.

You now admit that was a fault of yours and you have become better at maintaining relationships while balancing everything else , work, study , whatever. But I don’t actually see evidence in your post that you have worked out a healthy balance?

You simply are still putting him above you.

You have set a pattern of always making yourself available to him regardless. So in his mind it doesn’t matter if he cancels (subconsciously) you will be there when he reschedules anyway.

I am a former science student. And let me tell you , no future employee will give a crap whether you get straight A’s or not.

If you have to study around the clock to get a straight A , then perhaps you need to reconsider what you are studying. It’s not coming natural to you. I’m telling you that not to be negative but being realistic.

I am a scientist and have worked in my field for 20 years. I partied all through uni. Best years of my life!

You are wasting yours.

When I look through resumes of applicants for my work , I don’t care or even look at their grades.

I look beyond that. If you have the tertiary qualification, great. Who cares if you got an A?

I have hired people with lesser grades based on so much more.

Thinking logically works for science.

You cannot apply the same logic to emotions.

I disagree. I made dating-relationship/related sacrifices to excel in grad school (and yes grades counted -25 years later grades plus honors etc still count!). I'm not as familiar with the science field, do know that grades count (indirectly since I've worked with scientists) plus if her values are to excel at school then she should stick with that -it's not all about employability for sure. Many study around the clock to get top grades and to do a good job later on - it need not come "naturally" when it comes to certain types of academic work (or "work work"). If it came so naturally people wouldn't hire tutors for science subjects -including scientists.

I agree she taught him how to treat her. Many years ago there was a bad storm. My then serious boyfriend got stranded in our city for the night - he had options to stay with me or a friend. My exams were coming up early next week and I needed to focus intensely on studying. I knew he had a friend to stay with and I told him sorry he could not stay with me that night. I made that choice for my future. He was annoyed but he was safe and he understood. It's not always black and white and you have to make tough choices if you have certain goals.

I disagree. I made dating-relationship/related sacrifices to excel in grad school (and yes grades counted -25 years later grades plus honors etc still count!). I'm not as familiar with the science field, do know that grades count (indirectly since I've worked with scientists) plus if her values are to excel at school then she should stick with that -it's not all about employability for sure. Many study around the clock to get top grades and to do a good job later on - it need not come "naturally" when it comes to certain types of academic work (or "work work"). If it came so naturally people wouldn't hire tutors for science subjects -including scientists.

 

I agree she taught him how to treat her. Many years ago there was a bad storm. My then serious boyfriend got stranded in our city for the night - he had options to stay with me or a friend. My exams were coming up early next week and I needed to focus intensely on studying. I knew he had a friend to stay with and I told him sorry he could not stay with me that night. I made that choice for my future. He was annoyed but he was safe and he understood. It's not always black and white and you have to make tough choices if you have certain goals.

Can you give an example of how your grades mattered 25 years later?

I can’t imagine what kind of industry or profession would care to look at someone’s grades from 25 years ago and make a judgment based on that over 25 years of work experience and references? Maybe a corrupt one? Where lives don’t depend on it?

If one needs to hire a tutor for a given subject , then that’s their weakest subject and a sign not to pursue a career in that subject. Even if tutoring allows one to pass and subsequently get a job in that field , they won’t excel in it.

As a scientist , obviously I work with scientists. But some of them do basic duties because they just don’t have the natural skills to go beyond that despite training on the job.

I agree with you that if her values are to get top grades then she can go all out and do that. But it’s not me questioning her values and what’s important to her , it’s her questioning her bf’s values and what’s important to him.

If she feels unimportant to him and a low priority, then that’s up to her to make a decision based on that or at least discuss with him.

Can you give an example of how your grades mattered 25 years later?

I can’t imagine what kind of industry or profession would care to look at someone’s grades from 25 years ago and make a judgment based on that over 25 years of work experience and references? Maybe a corrupt one? Where lives don’t depend on it?

 

If one needs to hire a tutor for a given subject , then that’s their weakest subject and a sign not to pursue a career in that subject. Even if tutoring allows one to pass and subsequently get a job in that field , they won’t excel in it.

As a scientist , obviously I work with scientists. But some of them do basic duties because they just don’t have the natural skills to go beyond that despite training on the job.

 

I agree with you that if her values are to get top grades then she can go all out and do that. But it’s not me questioning her values and what’s important to her , it’s her questioning her bf’s values and what’s important to him.

If she feels unimportant to him and a low priority, then that’s up to her to make a decision based on that or at least discuss with him.

I don't need to prove anything to you. I don't discuss my specific (completely ethical/non-corrupt!) job/career/profession on here - I know of several professions/jobs/careers where grades and school accomplishments and what school you attended matter forever -and whether it's for actual proficiency in the job or for advertising/marketing purposes or some combination is irrelevant in the sense that whether it's one or all of the reasons it affects the applicant's marketability. If a company were to want that for advertising/marketing that's not "corrupt" -that's knowing who your potential customers/partners/people are and what they look for in that particular industry. Often grades and honors/awards are directly connected. In my case they were so it isn't only grades (and no, my high school grades don't matter, my college grades very little if at all).

I don't think someone who just passes in a field like science should pursue a career in science with some exceptions of course - I agree with you! nor do I think that person would be particularly marketable other than basic duties/skills and some people want that because maybe for example they also have family responsibilties. But, a person who needs a tutor to go from a b to an A or to learn how to approach her studies better or more efficiently or in a more organized way -or simply to have something click in a user friendly way where the professor might not have explained it that way -that person might love/excel in that field. In grad school we had study groups in part so perhaps someone who wasn't getting it could get it if the material was explained in a different way. And the person teaching it also reinforced the material for herself.

I agree that her boyfriend is entitled to his values. Based on his actions towards her I would think there's little to discuss at this point.

OP I wanted to add something based on personal experience. Especially if you want a family someday find someone with compatible values about working outside the home. In my situation because of how many years I worked before having a child and because of my husband’s job I don’t have to work. But once my child was in school full time I wanted to work and return to my prior type of work if at all possible. So I found a great job. Issue is that now my husband has to pitch in more when it comes to child care and household responsibilities. If he didn’t I would have to hire people or make care arrangements.

If he didn’t “get “ how important it is to my mental health and work ethic and sense of self to do the job I have he easily could say “quit because you don’t have to work”. Or get a job with more regular hours. But because he cares for me AND because he can relate to why I want to work he pitches in. Makes a huge difference.

My doctor didn't flunk out of med school.

Can you give an example of how your grades mattered 25 years later?