Did I make the right decision?

Well I think I know the answer to this before I even start but here goes.

I started an affair with a woman about a year ago; I was single she had a husband. (I don't need a lecture on morality I know it was wrong) My intention was to keep it that way just an affair and a bit of fun but it quickly became something a lot more.

We both fell in love with each other. And had a fairly good relationship for a 12 months.

Back in October 2018 she apparently told him it was over and he would have to find somewhere to live. So I patiently waited for him to move out so we could make things more official. Roll on to march 2019 and he's still there. She's still making noises about him not finding a place etc small things continued to bug me like why her MIL was still giving her photos praise on Facebook or why her apparent exs MIL was still praising her apparent ex SIL. And how she apparently bumped into him at the pub one day and had dinner. Things just didn't gel and my gut told me something wasn't right.... My head told me to shut up and carry on.

One night at the beginning of of March 2019 she texts and asks me 'when did you last cum inside me?' seemed a weird question so I said 'before you had the miscarriage' (another story). Due to all the crap surrounding her and her husband I said 'you haven't slept with him have you?' from this point on things we're pretty much ruined.

Over 2 weeks she ignored my messages and I never got any replies. I'm not one to chase or hound. I made the decision to ask for my keys back and packed her stuff up to collect which she did.

Fast forward to today and after 2 weeks of hell trying not to contact her I gave in. She came round we cried we had sex. She said she wanted to start things slow and I agreed. I spilled my guts and told her how much I loved her etc

After she left I felt like a complete and utter mug and although we were back together felt and still do feel like a broken man.

Texting her tonight was fragmented and short and just not right. Probably my paranoia but it just felt like she wasn't into it.

I guess my question is what the hell do I do? Carry on pretending it's OK she's still living with her husband? Tell her it's over until she sort her life out?

The problem for me is I'm one of life's worriers. I worry ill be alone forever if I break it off. I'm not an attractive guy so I could be right.

Anyway any advice would be great.

This sounds horrendously toxic. I don’t think ever starting a relationship through cheating is going to result in a successful one. Don’t stick with the wrong person because you don’t want to be alone. Things work out the way they should, don’t force things that aren’t right.

To me it feels like she has that family circle..... 2 kids and husband at home whilst I'm the bit on the side to boost her ego etc.

I know what I have to do but I just can't seem to do it! I broke up with her once as I said above and it broke me :( I haven't eaten properly in 3 weeks.... Struggling like hell with work.... Today I had to pull over and sob and eventually turn round and go home.

I don't wanna loose her but this isn't really living :(

Life without her will go on and you will be okay. Just remember that time heals all wounds, focus on youself and making yourself happy. Going for a married woman isn’t going to make you feel better. Look after youself.

So many things.

First, just because YOU say you're not attractive doesn't make it true. Beauty is subjective. You know that, right? This makes me feel that you don't have a high opinion of yourself. That added to you subjecting yourself to being in a "relationship" without many of the great frills that go along with it, for an extended period of time, confirms this in my mind.

You're worth more. You deserve more.

I guess my question is what the hell do I do? Carry on pretending it's OK she's still living with her husband?

Of course not. It's not ok. It's never been ok (never mind the glaringly obvious "you should never have been with her to begin with"). She doesn't respect you. She is using you for sex and you think this is good enough. That's very sad to me. You deserve someone who is honest, someone you can live with, someone you can take out on dates and introduce to everyone you know while planning for the future, not this jumbled mess of a fake relationship.

Have you been to therapy? Seriously, seriously consider it, please. Don't even do it for yourself, do it for this random American chick on an anonymous advice-giving forum. You are not in the right state of mind to be in a relationship, never mind this fake one-sided booty call. Talk to your therapist about your lack of happiness and belief that you don't deserve all the good things in life. Because you do.

~LC

 

I know what I have to do but I just can't seem to do it! I broke up with her once as I said above and it broke me :( I haven't eaten properly in 3 weeks.... Struggling like hell with work.... Today I had to pull over and sob and eventually turn round and go home.

 

It may be helpful to come to terms with the fact that you never had her in the first place, therefore I wouldn't consider that as "breaking up." I'm sorry for your pain and I'm sure facing reality is not a walk in the park, as well, yet you have to start somewhere.

One day at a time...I wish you well.

Nothing good ever comes from cheating.

Delete and block her number & look for single ladies.

Not a lecture, but I will say stop being a third wheel in someone else's marriage. It is wrong for them, it is wrong for you.

Find an available woman to be with.

You are just the side piece. Not good.

BTW, get tested for STIs and make sure you are not infected. If she will lie to her H she will lie to you. So do not lie with her.

Thanks for all the advice. I know what I have to do. It's just the doing it part that's super hard.

Yes I do have serious self doubt issues which have just been compounded by this relationship.

Assuming that a cheater would be honest with you as if you're special and not part of her deceiving was your mistake... that and having unprotected sex with someone who's cheating on her husband. You seem to like the drama.

I recommend a full STD scan, getting some self respect and blocking all form of contact from this woman. Also, always look over your shoulder, you never know what a cheated husband could do. And therapy, lots of therapy.

Frankly, you are getting everything you deserve. Best wishes.