Husband hiding money

When I met my husband he'd recently got divorced. He told me he got a settlement of 50k. So fast forward we got married which I paid for, we moved into a new house as to which he gave me loads of crap cos I didn't have the funds to buy furniture (I'd just paid for our wedding).

Today I find out he's got over 55k in 3 different accounts. He only told me a few days ago his money is nearly gone. I just don't understand why he'd keep it from me.

I wouldn't care as much but the way he was with me, he was horrible and he was sitting on probably about 100k

Find or get your attorney to consult a forensic accountant. Whatever he had prior to marriage is not joint property, check with your attorney. He hid it during his divorce and he'll hide it from you, that's who he is and what he does. You need excellent financial, accounting, banking and legal advice. Don't depend on him for any of that.

I agree with wiseman, of course... but from a relationship perspective - I don’t understand this dynamic?

Why did you pay for the entire wedding? Why would that not have been 50/50? You must have had a reason in your head as to why this was happening?

Also - why did he think it was your responsibility to buy furniture? Should that also not have been 50/50?

Is he unemployed? Is he disabled?

I feel there is more to this story re: this dynamic.

Oooh heck! I had a relationship where I paid for nearly everything because he was self-employed and apparently broke... and then found out that he had actually been earning more money than I had. The relationship didn't end well. There are people around who view a partner as a resource to be exploited, rather than someone to share their life with. My guy turned really nasty when I couldn't afford to subsidise him any more, and this may be happening to you. It might also be useful to find out why his marriage ended.

Get legal advice immediately; he's keeping this stuff from you because, well, he intends to keep it to himself - while you bear the financial burdens of your relationship going forward.

Good advice here. Have you seen the divorce decree?

His ex divorced on unreasonable behaviour. I did see his divorce papers and he was basically an arsehole with her.

I paid for the wedding because I wanted to I could afford it so I paid but I didn't expect his reaction when we moved.he hardly spoke to me for a whole year and to be honest things haven't got any better. The thing is aswel I earn more than him so I pay more and to find he's basically loaded as made me sick. I don't know him at all

If he can lie about this he can lie about anything

His ex divorced on unreasonable behavior. I did see his divorce papers and he was basically an arsehole with her.

I paid for the wedding because I wanted to I could afford it so I paid but I didn't expect his reaction when we moved.he hardly spoke to me for a whole year and to be honest things haven't got any better. The thing is as well I earn more than him so I pay more and to find he's basically loaded as made me sick. I don't know him at all

Seeing those divorce papers and his behavior toward his ex should've been the biggest red flag. He'll likely screw you over in a divorce too.

His ex divorced on unreasonable behaviour. I did see his divorce papers and he was basically an arsehole with her.

You are beginning to experience his arsehole behaviour with you, too. It can be easy to tell ourselves that if someone was particularly badly behaved in a previous relationship, it must have been because of the other person - and it won't happen to us. I wish I'd paid more attention to the fact that my ex had a previous conviction for domestic violence, for example....

Get divorced asap. He basically handed you a legal document stating what you've signed up for. Immediately try to sever all your finances. As soon as you file for divorce he can't hide or take your money. Never try to buy love/a husband, especially when you know in advance that he's abusive and deceitful.

I did see his divorce papers and he was basically an arsehole with her.

I paid for the wedding because I wanted to I could afford it.

I earn more than him so I pay more and to find he's basically loaded as made me sick

Seeing those divorce papers and his behavior toward his ex should've been the biggest red flag. He'll likely screw you over in a divorce too.

I agree. This should have been a red flag. I hope that you do not have a joint account with him?

Does he work?

I don't think this is salvageable at this point. He's awful to you and he's not honest about his money (scammer?) And has been using you for money.

I'd contact a divorce attorney asap (I'd consult first with an attorney without him knowing to plan your moves).

I'm not so happy for you too, Donna, but I'm also not so sure about jumping the gun so quickly. I'd be cautious about a man who keeps things hidden or isn't forthright but I think you owe it to yourself not to start throwing stones. His temperament is a bit off and unpleasant but before you begin seeking divorce, I think you should (for yourself alone) overturn every stone you need to overturn before jumping ship. I'm sensing that there's immediate distrust upon hearing about the money but I'm curious also why all your trust was robbed so instantly without asking more questions or without giving him the benefit of the doubt. You should understand everything you need to understand about why his last marriage ended and what dynamic his ex-wife played as well. If she was a spendthrift or irresponsible, for example, he might have felt responsible for putting money aside for them in their last marriage.

I don't think you know all you need to know and I don't think building up intense negative thoughts or assumptions is a good way to handle this. Control your emotions and go back to the drawing board and start asking questions and discussing things with him with some respect. He deserves some respect as the man you chose to marry. If you want to find answers, you are going to have to extend the olive branch. Find out what you need to know and then make the appropriate decision.

I'm not so happy for you too, Donna, but I'm also not so sure about jumping the gun so quickly. I'd be cautious about a man who keeps things hidden or isn't forthright but I think you owe it to yourself not to start throwing stones. His temperament is a bit off and unpleasant but before you begin seeking divorce, I think you should (for yourself alone) overturn every stone you need to overturn before jumping ship. I'm sensing that there's immediate distrust upon hearing about the money but I'm curious also why all your trust was robbed so instantly without asking more questions or without giving him the benefit of the doubt. You should understand everything you need to understand about why his last marriage ended and what dynamic his ex-wife played as well. If she was a spendthrift or irresponsible, for example, he might have felt responsible for putting money aside for them in their last marriage.

 

I don't think you know all you need to know and I don't think building up intense negative thoughts or assumptions is a good way to handle this. Control your emotions and go back to the drawing board and start asking questions and discussing things with him with some respect. He deserves some respect as the man you chose to marry. If you want to find answers, you are going to have to extend the olive branch. Find out what you need to know and then make the appropriate decision.

"he hardly spoke to me for a whole year and to be honest things haven't got any better."

There is much more than a money issue, here.

"he hardly spoke to me for a whole year and to be honest things haven't got any better."

There is much more than a money issue, here.

Yes. It almost sounds abusive and nasty... And considering the divorce motives (proved by documents she saw) from the previous wife, there are way too many dangerous red flags here.

I'm sensing that there's immediate distrust upon hearing about the money but I'm curious also why all your trust was robbed so instantly without asking more questions or without giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Her trust was robbed instantly in the same way that your trust might be robbed instantly if you caught your husband having sex with another woman (or man, come to that!). And what's the 'doubt' you're talking about here?

I would need to know more, personally, I think because I place more trust in myself when choosing a partner. I'd have trusted in my decisions knowing that I'd have made a reasonable decision before marrying someone and I would also understand that there are various reasons for saving money or investing in different areas. I cannot gauge the complete picture here but I know I'd need to ask more questions or if I had clients in this situation I'd need to know more. I am not a relationship specialist. I'm an accountant. The number of variables is very wide.

Him hardly speaking with her for a whole year doesn't quite offer a very concrete basis for making any assumptions about his character. It may also indicate that Donna wasn't a very approachable person or was difficult to talk with (sorry, Donna). There are two sides for every story.. or more. In her best interests, overturn every stone and don't make assumptions about character. The way people respond to us is also telling of what kind of people we are. I'd encourage her to find out everything she needs to know. I ignored the marriage certificate details because these are irrelevant to the issue of money in this (his second) marriage. It doesn't look good for his character but this is secondary information that only leads to more questions about his ex-wife also and what role she played.

I would need to know more, personally, I think because I place more trust in myself when choosing a partner. I'd have trusted in my decisions knowing that I'd have made a reasonable decision before marrying someone and I would also understand that there are various reasons for saving money or investing in different areas.

Very wise. It seems that the OP hasn't been quite so wise, so that's probably why you're not the OP. The question she's asking is that, having established that she really doesn't know this person she's married at all, where the **** does she go from here.

I would need to know more, personally, I think because I place more trust in myself when choosing a partner. I'd have trusted in my decisions knowing that I'd have made a reasonable decision before marrying someone and I would also understand that there are various reasons for saving money or investing in different areas. I cannot gauge the complete picture here but I know I'd need to ask more questions or if I had clients in this situation I'd need to know more. I am not a relationship specialist. I'm an accountant. The number of variables is very wide.

 

Him hardly speaking with her for a whole year doesn't quite offer a very concrete basis for making any assumptions about his character. It may also indicate that Donna wasn't a very approachable person or was difficult to talk with (sorry, Donna). There are two sides for every story.. or more. In her best interests, overturn every stone and don't make assumptions about character. The way people respond to us is also telling of what kind of people we are. I'd encourage her to find out everything she needs to know. I ignored the marriage certificate details because these are irrelevant to the issue of money in this (his second) marriage. It doesn't look good for his character but this is secondary information that only leads to more questions about his ex-wife also and what role she played.

I see. So it's her fault that he has been dismissive, secretive and not spoken to her in a year? Interesting.

It seems that he expects her to pay for the majority of things- is even getting angry over the fact that she is not- but is not making any sort of contribution to the home furnishings.

He should have been honest about his savings and not hid it. They are a partnership.

Married couples should always be transparent with each other about finances. A married couple is a team. And when a spouse hides money and is dishonest about their income, they're putting their spouse (and children if they have) at risk.

I don't see anything wrong, per se, in putting money away without necessarily consulting with your partner, or having personal savings accounts or whatever, and as Rose says, there are various reasons for investing money in different areas. No problem with that, and if I were one of Rose's clients I'm sure I'd have confidence in her abilities as an accountant.

What is really worrying here, though, is that he is doing his investing and saving for his benefit alone, whilst telling the OP that his money is running out and then expecting her to pay for his lifestyle - and turning nasty when she doesn't. She isn't making any assumptions about character - they're staring her in the face!

Let's go back to post #1 (Donna's post).

She's expressed fear and frustration about her husband not disclosing portions of his income and also that she specifically says she doesn't know why. I am only encouraging that she finds out everything she needs to know. I don't think it's helpful to project anything else onto the situation than what it is: there is a dearth of information and she needs to find out more. In her best interests, again, I think it's more helpful to remain as neutral as possible, work on any trust issues the couple has and find out what she needs to find out in order to make a more informed decision.

No thank god

No definitely not salvageable.

Also I've discovered he has another bank account which I don't know how much he has in that one