charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I got back together with my ex (we broke up five years ago, he left me just before my heart surgery bc said we were toxic) we talked some during the five years apart but always ended up fighting. Anyways we recently got back together four months ago and the idea was that we work towards a relationship again and go to counselling. Due to my schedule we only saw each other every second weekend. Sometimes I visit him once during the week. We live an hour bus ride from each other. Anyways he was coming up by bus to see me. He bought me a google home for Christmas and these smart lightbulbs for Valentine’s Day which was a lot of money. He texted me every day. But I couldn’t get it out of my head that he wasn’t going to hurt me again so I questioned things. I questioned why he never called me, why he didn’t tell anyone about me, why he didn’t say he loved me. He would always get angry when I asked a question feeling that I wanted to start a fight After the fight before the blowout he agreed to go to counselling for one session but said he didn’t think it would work. He came to see me again and gave me the lightbulbs. Anyways the next day I asked him if he had the same Feelings for me as when we originally got together as he hasn’t told his parents we got back together. He flipped out. I tried to fix it by asking to speak on phone but said we were done and clearly we were a horrible couple. This led to a three week fight through messages. I over messaged him. He told me I was insufferable, epic complainer, pick and prod at everything to drive anyone insane, told me to f**k off and leave him alone several times and to go f**k another guy. Anyways on the weekend before he dumped me he agreed to talk on the phone and made it seem like we were getting back together by saying your next gift is a bong. Well he didn’t show up for the phone call and when I texted him about it he said f**k off cant I even take a nap. I didn’t message for a day but then got upset bc I didn’t hear from him so I sent some emails to him while he was at work. He dumped me in between meetings and told me to f**k off again. Said we were too much drama and he didn’t want the stress. Says I’ve been an for the past month. I admit when he ignores me I over send messages and some can be nasty. I have apologized for same. I have apologized for messaging too much and not being more positive and appreciative in the relationship. I am frustrated bc although I realize I contribute to the drama I think if we just discussed stuff in this first place none of this drama Or stress would happen but he refuses to see that and just says terrible fit/toxic etc. I have not heard from him for a week now and I think I have completely destroyed us. Is there any way to salvage this? He doesn’t usually swear at me like that. When I stated I was hurt that he was breaking up with me again he said that I dumped him 20 times this past month. I do not remember doing this but he must feel my messages are dumping him... Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 You two need to stay broken up for good. You’re awful together. Link to comment
Keyman Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Is there any way to salvage this? Why on earth do you want to try to salvage this? What part of anything that you wrote in your post sounds like the kind of life you want to have with someone? Why is he so important that you want to live through such stress just to kinda be with someone? Link to comment
RayofLighten Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I can see why he thinks your relationship is toxic. It is. You didn't specify it but by what i have read, I can see you have insecurity issues. Your constant harassment is too much for him to take. Maybe its not couples counselling you need. I think you should see a Councillor alone as it seems you are the one with the problems. You cant let anything go and he cant take it. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Well when it’s good, it’s really good. We have a good time together and before the fight he claimed to be content. He has always been super helpful shoveling my driveway or lending me some cash when I’m running short before payday that one time. He seemed excited about me but I just get something in my head that he’s not serious about me and I ruin everything. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Yes I am super insecure. But he knew that from being with me in the past and fighting over the years so why bother coming back. I was even more insecure this time bc he already shown that he could leave me in an ICU bed and not come back. I screwed up with the messaging. I guess there’s no way of salvaging it then? Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 While I did mess up with overtexting during the fight when we are getting along I barely text, usually just in response to when he initiated. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Classic toxic abusive relationship. Read up on abusive relationships. Educate yourself on the cycle of violence. Google them right now.Well when it’s good, it’s really good. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Ok if you would rather keep hearing f-you rather than ily then continue with him and don't educate yourself on violence and abuse. He told me I was insufferable, epic complainer, pick and prod at everything to drive anyone insane, told me to f**k off and leave him alone several times and to go f**k another guy. your next gift is a bong. he said f**k off cant I even take a nap. told me to f**k off again. he said that I dumped him 20 times this past month. I do not remember doing this Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Okay good point. I have been wondering when it’s just anger and when it’s verbal abuse to be honest... Link to comment
purplepaisley Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Him cussing at you, saying mean and hurtful things, and calling you names is not going to improve the situation. You both sound equally horrible to each other, and his behavior is definitely not something you should tolerate and his treatment towards you should not be tolerated either. That said, if you feel like this is mostly your fault and you caused this, at least you have some self-awareness, and you need to figure out how to stop it. Counselling might be the best idea, but certainly there are articles and self-help books that can help you as well. Self-control would be a good first step - that is, do not send angry texts. You sound downright irrational at times. It almost seems like you have these ideas in your head, and when he doesn't follow suit, you proceed to have a temper tantrum over it and accuse him of not loving you. You can't do that. But it's incredibly difficult to get over harsh words and name calling. That cannot be unheard, and no amount of treating you well and apologies can erase it...but you have to try not to let it rear its ugly head...that is, if he has stopped such cruel behavior. I suspect he whips out the cruelty about every time you express a concern...even a rational concern, and even if this concern has nothing to do with him. Over the five years you had minimal contact, there was a lot of fighting. This relationship seems so terribly unhealthy to me. Maybe you need to NC this guy and pursue some some self-help instead so that you can be prepared to have a healthy relationship. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Well I did try to rationally ask if he loved me and he said “I’m not ready to say the I love you sh*t just yet. He used to tell me he loved me four years ago. I agree that it comes across as a temper tantrum but I think it’s bc I become so frustrated with his initial behavior (refusal to discuss issues in relp) that being said I wish I could just let it go instead of texting too much. I wish I had more dignity. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Excellent, yet he's ready willing and able to say f-you plenty! If you want dignity get rid of the bong, all the other drugs and booze and get in to therapy.ask if he loved me and he said “I’m not ready to say the I love you sh*t just yet. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 And your right whenever I bring up a concern he will say I’m not wasting my time With this drivel or something to that effect and then ignores me the rest of the night. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 I don’t do drugs or booze. He does. He was implying I needed to bc I’m too anxious Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 You need to show up at his doorstep and ask him to marry you. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Starting to see how pathetic I must look. Link to comment
RayofLighten Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Yes I am super insecure. But he knew that from being with me in the past and fighting over the years so why bother coming back. I was even more insecure this time bc he already shown that he could leave me in an ICU bed and not come back. I screwed up with the messaging. I guess there’s no way of salvaging it then? This is the most unhealthy type of relationship. You have insecurity problems and he is emotionally abusive. It's not a good mix. Link to comment
SGH Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 He broke up with you... before you had heart surgery. I didn't have to read past that part to think it's insane you're still involved with him. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 The love has died. Unlike the fantasy world of movies and TV, once you breakup and stay apart for five years, the loves dies, and it never comes back. You get once chance at love per person. Find another man to date. Sorry. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 The love has died. Unlike the fantasy world of movies and TV, once you breakup and stay apart for five years, the loves dies, and it never comes back. You get once chance at love per person. Find another man to date. Sorry. Sorry, OP, because this likely NOT applicable to your situation. Still, I have to say that I have friends who broke up for 5 years (ironically, Gary), and now have been married over 20 years. Importantly, they behaved with discretion and self respect, always. They dated other people. They were drawn toward each other when social groups brought them together. Even then, they avoided all drama. Very few people can pull this off, and they wouldn't have if they had behaved as if they expected to be together. We have to let go. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 He sounds like a real prize! I can't understand why you would even consider giving this another shot.? How many times does he have to show you he does not give a sh$t? When were you a secret? This guy does not love or respect you. At all! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Abuse does not have to be physical. He is emotionally abusive. Why would you even talk to someone who abandoned you in the ICU, much less try to reconcile? It is toxic. Have you considered counselling for your self-esteem issues. You are asking if he will forgive you, you should be done , and feel incredibly disrespected. Link to comment
Annia Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 This is too much drama and effort. It shouldn't be this complicated and toxic and this is just the beginning of your new relationship where things should be at their best now, so I can only imagine if you continue. Stop pursuing and trying with someone who's toxic, verbally aggressive, bad communicator and is not interested in treating you kindly and have a relationship with you. It's time to work on moving on. Link to comment
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