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Thread: Is time and space really what she needs or am I just fooling myself

  1. #1

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    Is time and space really what she needs or am I just fooling myself

    Context: We dated for a couple months, broke up a month ago, and stopped talking for over 2 weeks now

    So my ex left me around a month ago because of her extremely low self-esteem and her many insecurities about her image, and her inability to love herself. She said until she learns to love herself then she’s not ready to love me. We did tell each other we loved each other all the time and meant it. We talked about the future and she is an honest person so I believe her when she said she wants to have a future with me.

    She also says that we’re too young, she needs to focus on school, and she’s just not ready for a relationship. She is very hard to get to open up about her feelings and communicating is extremely hard for her. For example, she does not start a conversation and mostly only speaks when spoken to. It’s because she feels like she is bothering the person if she initiates the conversation, so it was around 80/20 when starting conversation.

    Even with all that, we were both very happy and we deeply and sincerely loved each other in our relationship.

    I still do love her very much, but when I asked if she still thinks about us, she said she doesn’t as much as she used to which was every second of everyday.

    I know I can be happy without her, (I’ve been before her,) but the thing is I don’t want to be happy without her anymore. I sincerely love her and we made promises. I intend to keep them. She just doesn’t know what she wants.

    I am now giving her space. I asked her if we should keep talking how we did for a little while in between the beginning of the breakup and now, or to give space and not talk. She said we shouldn’t be talking, and me texting her every other week was kind of stressful to her.

    I just think that if she truly loved me and meant what she said like how I was her “Dream Come True”, saying that she’s never liked anybody as much as me, that I’m the only one she needs to feel special and that she was blessed to have me, then why would she leave me so easily? If she really meant everything and never lied to me, then is it really just space? I’ve asked everyone i’ve talked to and they said it must be time and space that she needs if she meant that.

    I know this probably means nothing but every time I post a picture on Instagram she likes it. It could mean something like reminding me she’s still here, or it could mean nothing.

    I could’ve also scared her away with saying that I’m gonna make her my wife one day and stuff, but she was okay with it and said she wanted that too.

    I’ve asked many of my friends and family, and they’ve all said it’s up to me whether I want to stop waiting. I’ve told them all that she is the one i’m choosing.

    I just want your opinions, anything that might help to get her back in my life, because I don’t want to spend the rest of it without her.

    tl;dr: my ex broke up because she isn’t ready for a relationship due to her inability to love herself and open up to people. I just want to know if she’ll come back sometime.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by r00b14
    I could’ve also scared her away with saying that I’m gonna make her my wife one day and stuff, but she was okay with it and said she wanted that too.
    To be fair, this is too much for a couple that only dated a couple months. You two were just coming out of the gate, relationship-wise, and you were already dreaming about marriage. I realize it's easy to get caught up in the fantasizing, but it's always better to be more realistic and see how compatible you really are before evening mentioning marriage - and that's something you can't know within a couple months. I also wonder, are you both on the younger side?

    To me, it just sounds like the honeymoon is over for her and she realizes her feelings do not match yours and she can't continue the relationship. Surely, she doesn't want to hurt you but you seem to have been much more invested. She too got caught up in the thrill of a new relationship but she isn't as interested as you. Whether that's because she doesn't want a relationship in general, or whether she just isn't that into you, is rather beside the point. The bottom line is that she wanted to be single more than she wanted to be with you, unfortunately.

    I wouldn't recommend waiting for her. In my experience, these cases rarely result in a sustained reconciliation.

  3. #3
    Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where there is nothing really you can do. You are giving her the space she asked for, which is very respectful of you, but i agree with MissCanuck that she just does not want to be in a relationship. You should just move on with your life because i really don't think it ever going to go anywhere with this one. Don't waste your life waiting around.

  4. #4
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    So my ex left me around a month ago because of her extremely low self-esteem and her many insecurities about her image, and her inability to love herself. She said until she learns to love herself then she’s not ready to love me. We did tell each other we loved each other all the time and meant it. We talked about the future and she is an honest person so I believe her when she said she wants to have a future with me.

    She also says that we’re too young, she needs to focus on school, and she’s just not ready for a relationship. She is very hard to get to open up about her feelings and communicating is extremely hard for her. For example, she does not start a conversation and mostly only speaks when spoken to. It’s because she feels like she is bothering the person if she initiates the conversation, so it was around 80/20 when starting conversation.
    Do you even realize the sheer number of reasons she gave you for not wanting the relationship? She said you two should stop talking, because she realizes you don't understand that she genuinely wants your involvement to be over. It's not attractive to hang around someone while you are still in denial about the breakup. You only dated this girl for a few months, which is way too short of a time to be thinking about marriage.

    Ask yourself why you're clinging to this fling instead of moving forward. You say that you know you can be happy without her, but I have my doubts about that statement because you are actively choosing a painful route and looking for reasons to hang on. You can be happy, but only if you let go of the fantasy future she spun for the two of you and start living in the present moment.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You cannot talk anyone into wanting what they don't want. Whether the reason they give you is satisfying or not is irrelevant--they aren't raising objections for you to try to overcome them like a salesman. All relationships are voluntary, and nobody needs a good 'enough' reason to want out.

    It's not necessary to beat yourself into believing there's no hope that she'll change her mind someday, but a gentler approach is to trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday. It's up to each of you to reach that place on your own. This allows you to move your focus onto your own life and reaching your own personal higher ground through interests, friendships, family, education or any other pursuit that moves you away from living in your head. It's your percentage play, because if your ex ever wants to reconcile, you'll both need to be able to trust that she came to that choice without your influence. Otherwise, you'll know that she felt pressured and it won't last--so skip that.

    Head high, and read my sig.

  7. #6
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You guys only dated for two months, that's a short time. Now she may have issues, but she never totally fell in love with you and probably never will - which is the real reason she broke up with you.

    Additionally, some women below 27 are not ready to fall in love.

    Sorry about that - the best thing to do is start dating again and find a new woman. Good luck.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    You guys only dated for two months, that's a short time. Now she may have issues, but she never totally fell in love with you and probably never will - which is the real reason she broke up with you.

    Additionally, some women below 27 are not ready to fall in love.

    Sorry about that - the best thing to do is start dating again and find a new woman. Good luck.
    This made me chuckle. Sorry. Why the number 27?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If she does indeed have all the issues you just listed, she's not date-able and not able to participate in an intimate relationship.

    On the other hand, this may very well be a case of `it not you, it's me' way of backing out of a relationship she isn't even interested in having.

    Either way, there isn't anything you can do but respect her wishes and move on.


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