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How to let go of the little things?


egyptianmau

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I get upset and sometimes really angry when I text/message my bf and he doesn't answer. Especially if it's an app where I can see that he's opened the message.

 

Most of the time I tell myself he's busy and I'm fine.

 

Sometimes, like today, i see that he's opened my message and then just doesn't answer. Like, he messaged me, I answer him, and then he opens it and doesn't bother replying. I find that incredibly rude. I would understand if the conversation had come to an end but its just barely started! Like, why message me if you're not going to reply to me when I reply to you?

 

I just wish I didn't care so much about it because I realize it's stupid. Anyone else have an issue like this and found a way to get past it?

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You need to realise he is his own person and doesn't need to, nor is it healthy to be... glued to his phone all the time.

 

Maybe you need to reflect how much you use technology also, maybe have a break and spend less time on your phone then you won't get annoyed over things like this anymore. Why does it matter, if he chooses not to be on his phone all the time? Its a very unhealthy thing to be doing.

 

I have had a social media and phone detox and it does wonders for anxiety like this.

 

There are a lot of good videos and tedtalks about the overuse of social media and being constantly connected and messaging 24/7.

 

I kind of wish it was more like the 90's or early 2000's where there was none of this and the constant need for instant replies. Its really an issue with many people, I have been through this with a friend I had to cut off getting annoyed I wouldn't reply to her when SHE wanted me to... even though 90% of the time I did, until she started getting angry at me.

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Hi,

 

I was wondering, if you thought about it, do you get angry or upset about other 'little' things as well in life outside of your relationship that are perhaps comparable that may not really be considered as important in the grand scheme of things? Of course we all get irritated by things here and there, especiallu if we're tired or stressed, but I wondered if a bit of OCD might be at play, and in the case of relationship text conversing (for example) with a sprinkle of insecurity that may agitate it..

 

I'm speaking from experience. If this is the case, it won't exactly go away, but once realised can be mentally addressed and with your own will power, fight and hold such negative tendancies back.

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How important was your message? If it's something where you need a decision from him before you can go ahead with something, or you're trying to make arrangements and need his input, then feeling irritated when he doesn't respond is quite justified.

 

On the other hand, if it was a cute message about nothing in particular, try to relax. If it's just a way of keeping in light contact throughout the day, then him saying "Hi" to you and you saying "Hi" back seems perfectly OK, in the same sort of way that you might say "Hi" if you were passing him in the corridor at school. It doesn't really warrant any further conversation, which would explain why he doesn't take it any further. It's nothing to do with being rude.

 

So you need to ask yourself how important his reply is, in the general scheme of things. You seem very needy, and I get that an instant response may feel important to you, but this kind of neediness can be very destructive in a relationship - both to you and him. So, if it's just a cute message, make your response, turn your phone off and get on with something else, preferably something absorbing and pleasant. Hanging around waiting for a reply which doesn't come will be very upsetting for you, more and more so as time goes on.

 

Stop looking to him as the source of all the good things in your life, make sure you pay attention to your friends and interests, get more involved in your own life independently of him - and you'll barely notice if he doesn't respond!

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We can't make you stop being upset. I agree with the others, but clearly this is a problem for you that isn't going away. It sounds like him choosing to not respond results in a lot or anxiety for you. Maybe consider moving on from him and finding someone who texts the way you do.

 

For the record, I think the primary issue is your own inability to emotionally regulate, but you're not alone in this world of instant gratification and could find a boyfriend who will be just as smothering as you.

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I find it helpful to interpret what my attitudes and behaviors say about ME rather than about someone else. For instance, how controlling to do I want to become? Wouldn't I feel better about myself if I can be just as busy as my BF? Can I be patient enough to learn his rhythms and patterns and discover whether those might work out well for me, too? Do I have enough going on in my own life for a healthy balance that prevents me from focusing like a laser beam on BF?

 

Ultimately, it occurs to me that I own control over my own focus, and when I misuse it, I'm the one who will pay the price. I'll make myself miserable, and that will come out sideways and make me less attractive to BF or anyone else. I grasp that patience and empathy with others is a life skill, and I encourage myself to build it instead of stew in my own immaturity.

 

There are any number of ways to talk yourself into better thinking, and you will thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

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You let go of the little things if you let go of your phone which turns into a ball 'n chain for you and your boyfriend. You get past it by counting your blessings. If he doesn't lie, cheat, steal and if he's a generally good person, learn to let it go and don't sweat the small stuff. Don't contact him just for chatting sake since a lot of people aren't into it. If it's super important or an emergency, yes message or text but don't over do it otherwise, it's easy to ignore if it's not urgent. Even I get so tired of being too unavailable that sometimes I turn my phone OFF just to catch a break!

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This also happens to me sometimes with a lady friend crush...........

 

a few days ago, she texted she was going to bed, so I did not reply, did not want to bother her (I guess I could have texted "good night, sweetie my sweetie" - many times I do).

 

Then the next day, we were having a text conversation, and she made the last text and I did not reply within and hour or so, and she got really mad at me, lol. That said, she was having a really bad day.

 

We smoothed things over with only a few texts.

 

I'm sorry, I just don't take Spacebook and text very seriously. But what do you guys think?

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I think that texting for any purpose other than conveying information or making arrangements is a minefield. Txt msgs can be so easily misconstrued because there are just words, while a high percentage of our genuine communication is from tone, body language etc. Also, for some people, phones have become a leash rather than just a way of keeping in touch - with all the problems that poses around expectations and entitlement.

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We can't make you stop being upset. I agree with the others, but clearly this is a problem for you that isn't going away. It sounds like him choosing to not respond results in a lot or anxiety for you. Maybe consider moving on from him and finding someone who texts the way you do.

 

For the record, I think the primary issue is your own inability to emotionally regulate, but you're not alone in this world of instant gratification and could find a boyfriend who will be just as smothering as you.

Ick, last thing I want to be is smothering! I agree I have a hard time regulating my emotions.

 

So my question now I guess is: is it ok to not care about this? Like, when he messages me or something, I answer because I feel like I would hurt his feelings if I don't. But since im not getting that same attention? Response? I think I'm getting upset the way I am. It's my first relationship so I'm just feeling things out. Like, if he doesn't answer me because it's not setting up a time or anything it's not rude for me to not answer if it's not something that's important? It's not rude?

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I find it helpful to interpret what my attitudes and behaviors say about ME rather than about someone else. For instance, how controlling to do I want to become? Wouldn't I feel better about myself if I can be just as busy as my BF? Can I be patient enough to learn his rhythms and patterns and discover whether those might work out well for me, too? Do I have enough going on in my own life for a healthy balance that prevents me from focusing like a laser beam on BF?

 

Ultimately, it occurs to me that I own control over my own focus, and when I misuse it, I'm the one who will pay the price. I'll make myself miserable, and that will come out sideways and make me less attractive to BF or anyone else. I grasp that patience and empathy with others is a life skill, and I encourage myself to build it instead of stew in my own immaturity.

 

There are any number of ways to talk yourself into better thinking, and you will thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

I like this a lot. Talking myself into being better about this doesn't mean he's taking advantage of me right? In this case it would just be regulating my emotions? I just really don't want to be taken advantage of again because that's what happened with the previous guy.
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Ick, last thing I want to be is smothering! I agree I have a hard time regulating my emotions.

 

So my question now I guess is: is it ok to not care about this? Like, when he messages me or something, I answer because I feel like I would hurt his feelings if I don't. But since im not getting that same attention? Response? I think I'm getting upset the way I am. It's my first relationship so I'm just feeling things out. Like, if he doesn't answer me because it's not setting up a time or anything it's not rude for me to not answer if it's not something that's important? It's not rude?

 

If he says "Hi" then say "Hi" back. Just don't get upset if he doesn't continue the 'conversation'; there's probably no need to. At the moment you're responding to him because you think his feelings might be hurt (they probably won't!) when it might not be convenient to do so. This is all arising because so much of your focus is on him, rather than the bits of your life which are separate to him. No harm in getting on with your life!

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It really sounds like he's putting you on the backburner. I don't think your overreacting. Sometimes I place my phone down or just don't see the notification on my phone and my GF still chews me out and I'll just explain what I was doing, but anytime I see her text or calls I always respond back as soon as I can. If something or someone's important in your life then it matters to you. Do you ever confront him about not responding?

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If he says "Hi" then say "Hi" back. Just don't get upset if he doesn't continue the 'conversation'; there's probably no need to. At the moment you're responding to him because you think his feelings might be hurt (they probably won't!) when it might not be convenient to do so. This is all arising because so much of your focus is on him, rather than the bits of your life which are separate to him. No harm in getting on with your life!
Ok, thank you for the break down of this! A lot of the comments are saying I need to chill so I'm going to take that in stride and chill lol and I won't worry so much about possible hurting his feelings over mundane things like this!
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I personally think he's taking advantage of you. He's pretty much saying I don't have time for you right now. Not even acknowledging you with a text or quick call. All im saying is, if someone of importance calls or text my phone and I can't answer, I at least text them.. Hey, I'm busy. Unless I'm asleep or almost asleep that's the only time I won't text or call right back.

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It really sounds like he's putting you on the backburner. I don't think your overreacting. Sometimes I place my phone down or just don't see the notification on my phone and my GF still chews me out and I'll just explain what I was doing, but anytime I see her text or calls I always respond back as soon as I can. If something or someone's important in your life then it matters to you. Do you ever confront him about not responding?
I have before but he says that's just who he is. To be honest, Ive pulled back a lot and he hasn't changed a thing so I find that really unfair. If I'm changing to suit your needs I feel he should change something to suit my needs. Of course this is all to an extent, I'm not saying change who you are as a person to be with me but he thinks everything's fine just the way it is and I'm getting fed up because I'm the only one who's trying. He says he makes time to hang out with me every day and while I do appreciate that I find that that it's just too much tike together sometimes and I would rather just have a quick "hope you're having a good day, love you" kind of thing. I don't want to see him everyday because frankly it gets annoying because I also have school to focus on too

 

Sorry for the paragraph hahaha

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I personally think he's taking advantage of you. He's pretty much saying I don't have time for you right now. Not even acknowledging you with a text or quick call. All im saying is, if someone of importance calls or text my phone and I can't answer, I at least text them.. Hey, I'm busy. Unless I'm asleep or almost asleep that's the only time I won't text or call right back.
Yea, hes a good guy but he has said that he'll just let the other person do all the work if it's easier for him. So I'm just going to do things more on my schedule and he can work to fit me instead of the other way around. If that doesn't work, I'm seriously going to consider ending this relationship.

 

He's also told me things he's said to people which I told h were very rude and all he said to that was "well its accurate." so what, it's still rude

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It honestly sounds like you are dating a person who is a total opposite of yourself and, as a result, you two have a major personality clash.

You think that what he does or doesn't do is rude, what he says is rude, what he thinks is rude, etc, etc, etc.

 

If you think the guy is rude....don't be with him. You'll save yourself a lot of grief, heartache, and trouble that way. The point of dating is to determine if that person is compatible with you. Finding their behavior constantly rude and irritating to you is the definition of incompatible. It doesn't mean that either one of you is a bad person, just not the right combination for each other.

 

Never ever date someone with the idea that "if they care about me, they'll change". No, no, no. Change should only be done for yourself, because you determined that there are aspects about yourself that you need to improve for your own benefit. You never ever change yourself for the sake of others and never ever expect others to change for you. Again, the point of dating is to look at the person as they are and determine if they are a good match for you exactly as they are. If they aren't, you simply break up and move on. Keep looking and going out on various dates until you find the right match, aka a person who fits with you without need for change on either side.

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I am not inclined to believe that this is so little if the overall feeling you get from this relationship is general unfulfillment. There are gray areas in communication but the one rule a couple (or any group of people or individuals) should follow is the overall feeling you wish to impart to your partner (or friend or colleague or stranger) and that should be mutual respect and safety in your communication styles and the kinds of information communicated.

 

If he doesn't fulfill your needs in the relationship sense, this is an unfulfilling relationship and you don't have to go beyond that in rationalizing what's big or little in your eyes.

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It honestly sounds like you are dating a person who is a total opposite of yourself and, as a result, you two have a major personality clash.

You think that what he does or doesn't do is rude, what he says is rude, what he thinks is rude, etc, etc, etc.

 

If you think the guy is rude....don't be with him. You'll save yourself a lot of grief, heartache, and trouble that way. The point of dating is to determine if that person is compatible with you. Finding their behavior constantly rude and irritating to you is the definition of incompatible. It doesn't mean that either one of you is a bad person, just not the right combination for each other.

 

Never ever date someone with the idea that "if they care about me, they'll change". No, no, no. Change should only be done for yourself, because you determined that there are aspects about yourself that you need to improve for your own benefit. You never ever change yourself for the sake of others and never ever expect others to change for you. Again, the point of dating is to look at the person as they are and determine if they are a good match for you exactly as they are. If they aren't, you simply break up and move on. Keep looking and going out on various dates until you find the right match, aka a person who fits with you without need for change on either side.

You may be right about being incompatible. I've never asked him to change himself for me, just adjust like I have. I've adjusted little things to make things flow better but I'm still me, I haven't changed myself.

 

I know I have insecurities and stuff so I think a part of this might be to do with insecurities or when I get really tired because lack of sleep and stuff.

 

In the end, I do want to see if this relationship will become good because I'm willing to put the work in. But if he isn't and he's too busy and can't do things because he's too busy I may just tell him I'm not at a place in my life where I can be with someone like that

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I am not inclined to believe that this is so little if the overall feeling you get from this relationship is general unfulfillment. There are gray areas in communication but the one rule a couple (or any group of people or individuals) should follow is the overall feeling you wish to impart to your partner (or friend or colleague or stranger) and that should be mutual respect and safety in your communication styles and the kinds of information communicated.

 

If he doesn't fulfill your needs in the relationship sense, this is an unfulfilling relationship and you don't have to go beyond that in rationalizing what's big or little in your eyes.

Thing is, he does. When we hang out and talk and stuff it's fun. It's just sometimes when he gets busy (not even super busy, busy as in he has like 3 things to do in a day) he tells me he has no time to respond to my texts.

 

It's happened where we planned something tentatively because we didn't know if he had to meet a group for a project at the same time. I had class so I asked him to let me know if he ended up meeting them in that span of time so I wasn't waiting around. He said ok. I finished class, texted him to see if he was available and didn't get an answer back for over an hour and then when he finally did respond he said he was at the campus pub with his group. So when he pulls stunts like this I get mad

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