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Thread: How to let go of the little things?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by DGlenn87
    I personally think he's taking advantage of you. He's pretty much saying I don't have time for you right now. Not even acknowledging you with a text or quick call. All im saying is, if someone of importance calls or text my phone and I can't answer, I at least text them.. Hey, I'm busy. Unless I'm asleep or almost asleep that's the only time I won't text or call right back.
    Yea, hes a good guy but he has said that he'll just let the other person do all the work if it's easier for him. So I'm just going to do things more on my schedule and he can work to fit me instead of the other way around. If that doesn't work, I'm seriously going to consider ending this relationship.

    He's also told me things he's said to people which I told h were very rude and all he said to that was "well its accurate." so what, it's still rude

  2. #22
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It honestly sounds like you are dating a person who is a total opposite of yourself and, as a result, you two have a major personality clash.
    You think that what he does or doesn't do is rude, what he says is rude, what he thinks is rude, etc, etc, etc.

    If you think the guy is rude....don't be with him. You'll save yourself a lot of grief, heartache, and trouble that way. The point of dating is to determine if that person is compatible with you. Finding their behavior constantly rude and irritating to you is the definition of incompatible. It doesn't mean that either one of you is a bad person, just not the right combination for each other.

    Never ever date someone with the idea that "if they care about me, they'll change". No, no, no. Change should only be done for yourself, because you determined that there are aspects about yourself that you need to improve for your own benefit. You never ever change yourself for the sake of others and never ever expect others to change for you. Again, the point of dating is to look at the person as they are and determine if they are a good match for you exactly as they are. If they aren't, you simply break up and move on. Keep looking and going out on various dates until you find the right match, aka a person who fits with you without need for change on either side.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I am not inclined to believe that this is so little if the overall feeling you get from this relationship is general unfulfillment. There are gray areas in communication but the one rule a couple (or any group of people or individuals) should follow is the overall feeling you wish to impart to your partner (or friend or colleague or stranger) and that should be mutual respect and safety in your communication styles and the kinds of information communicated.

    If he doesn't fulfill your needs in the relationship sense, this is an unfulfilling relationship and you don't have to go beyond that in rationalizing what's big or little in your eyes.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    It honestly sounds like you are dating a person who is a total opposite of yourself and, as a result, you two have a major personality clash.
    You think that what he does or doesn't do is rude, what he says is rude, what he thinks is rude, etc, etc, etc.

    If you think the guy is rude....don't be with him. You'll save yourself a lot of grief, heartache, and trouble that way. The point of dating is to determine if that person is compatible with you. Finding their behavior constantly rude and irritating to you is the definition of incompatible. It doesn't mean that either one of you is a bad person, just not the right combination for each other.

    Never ever date someone with the idea that "if they care about me, they'll change". No, no, no. Change should only be done for yourself, because you determined that there are aspects about yourself that you need to improve for your own benefit. You never ever change yourself for the sake of others and never ever expect others to change for you. Again, the point of dating is to look at the person as they are and determine if they are a good match for you exactly as they are. If they aren't, you simply break up and move on. Keep looking and going out on various dates until you find the right match, aka a person who fits with you without need for change on either side.
    You may be right about being incompatible. I've never asked him to change himself for me, just adjust like I have. I've adjusted little things to make things flow better but I'm still me, I haven't changed myself.

    I know I have insecurities and stuff so I think a part of this might be to do with insecurities or when I get really tired because lack of sleep and stuff.

    In the end, I do want to see if this relationship will become good because I'm willing to put the work in. But if he isn't and he's too busy and can't do things because he's too busy I may just tell him I'm not at a place in my life where I can be with someone like that

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I am not inclined to believe that this is so little if the overall feeling you get from this relationship is general unfulfillment. There are gray areas in communication but the one rule a couple (or any group of people or individuals) should follow is the overall feeling you wish to impart to your partner (or friend or colleague or stranger) and that should be mutual respect and safety in your communication styles and the kinds of information communicated.

    If he doesn't fulfill your needs in the relationship sense, this is an unfulfilling relationship and you don't have to go beyond that in rationalizing what's big or little in your eyes.
    Thing is, he does. When we hang out and talk and stuff it's fun. It's just sometimes when he gets busy (not even super busy, busy as in he has like 3 things to do in a day) he tells me he has no time to respond to my texts.

    It's happened where we planned something tentatively because we didn't know if he had to meet a group for a project at the same time. I had class so I asked him to let me know if he ended up meeting them in that span of time so I wasn't waiting around. He said ok. I finished class, texted him to see if he was available and didn't get an answer back for over an hour and then when he finally did respond he said he was at the campus pub with his group. So when he pulls stunts like this I get mad

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by egyptianmau
    Thing is, he does. When we hang out and talk and stuff it's fun. It's just sometimes when he gets busy (not even super busy, busy as in he has like 3 things to do in a day) he tells me he has no time to respond to my texts.

    It's happened where we planned something tentatively because we didn't know if he had to meet a group for a project at the same time. I had class so I asked him to let me know if he ended up meeting them in that span of time so I wasn't waiting around. He said ok. I finished class, texted him to see if he was available and didn't get an answer back for over an hour and then when he finally did respond he said he was at the campus pub with his group. So when he pulls stunts like this I get mad
    This is negligence which leads to unfulfillment. If he hasn't learned basic courtesy or doesn't practice it and you recognize it, the onus is now on you to make the decision that's right for you. All a person has to do is display what he/she really is. It's your decision what you want to do with that information.

    You should be making better choices in the company you keep. If someone does not respect your time, you are under no obligation to spend time with that person. How you choose to handle your relationships is really your responsibility. I'd encourage you to look up and aim higher. A mistake is a mistake which is fine if owned. Repeated unexplained acts of negligence and carelessness are something else.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    This is negligence which leads to unfulfillment. If he hasn't learned basic courtesy or doesn't practice it and you recognize it, the onus is now on you to make the decision that's right for you. All a person has to do is display what he/she really is. It's your decision what you want to do with that information.

    You should be making better choices in the company you keep. If someone does not respect your time, you are under no obligation to spend time with that person. How you choose to handle your relationships is really your responsibility. I'd encourage you to look up and aim higher. A mistake is a mistake which is fine if owned. Repeated unexplained acts of negligence and carelessness are something else.
    I really want this to work though, and things like this I feel like he could improve on if he wanted to. I feel like I haven't calmly explained these to him because I'm just figuring out how to word things so people don't get defensive haha. So, the next time something like this happens I'm going to call him out on it and calmly explain to him why it bothers me and why that's not ok. If nothing changes I will have to end things because I just can't be put on the back burner every single time he gets busy

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    And that is why you're upset. Dating to to get to know someone, not fix and change them.
    But I've adjusted certain things about myself. Not changed, that was a bad word choice. I've adjusted, he hasn't and I feel like that should be a 2 way street

  10. #29
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    I think there is a lot of analysis and overthink here.

    I have a cousin who is like this. We値l have tentative plans. I値l text at the time to see if it痴 still on. I wait 5 mins and then I make a decision and tell him about it.

    徹k... well, I知 not hearing back from you so I知 going to go ahead and take a shower/do some errands/whatever it is I知 going to do. Text me later!

    Or if he suddenly drops from the conversation:

    徹k... so, I see you are busy. I知 going to go do XYZ. Chat later!

    I get that it痴 super annoying to feel 登n hold... so just 塗ang up! Don稚 wait for him to end the conversation - if you need that closure - end it yourself!

    No need to get stressy about it or worry about what you 電eserve, IMO. Just take control of the situation yourself.

    JMO

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by egyptianmau
    But I've adjusted certain things about myself. Not changed, that was a bad word choice. I've adjusted, he hasn't and I feel like that should be a 2 way street
    You can't change another person; especially, you shouldn't expect another person to change/adapt/adjust for you if they just don't want to. A relationship which is dependent on both parties changing to suit the other is doomed - very few of us are willing to change in the face of pressure from someone else, and even if we do, the change won't last.

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