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Thread: How to let go of the little things?

  1. #11
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    I think that texting for any purpose other than conveying information or making arrangements is a minefield. Txt msgs can be so easily misconstrued because there are just words, while a high percentage of our genuine communication is from tone, body language etc. Also, for some people, phones have become a leash rather than just a way of keeping in touch - with all the problems that poses around expectations and entitlement.

  2. #12
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    Txt msgs can be so easily misconstrued because there are just words, while a high percentage of our genuine communication is from tone, body language etc.
    - that's very true.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    We can't make you stop being upset. I agree with the others, but clearly this is a problem for you that isn't going away. It sounds like him choosing to not respond results in a lot or anxiety for you. Maybe consider moving on from him and finding someone who texts the way you do.

    For the record, I think the primary issue is your own inability to emotionally regulate, but you're not alone in this world of instant gratification and could find a boyfriend who will be just as smothering as you.
    Ick, last thing I want to be is smothering! I agree I have a hard time regulating my emotions.

    So my question now I guess is: is it ok to not care about this? Like, when he messages me or something, I answer because I feel like I would hurt his feelings if I don't. But since im not getting that same attention? Response? I think I'm getting upset the way I am. It's my first relationship so I'm just feeling things out. Like, if he doesn't answer me because it's not setting up a time or anything it's not rude for me to not answer if it's not something that's important? It's not rude?

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I find it helpful to interpret what my attitudes and behaviors say about ME rather than about someone else. For instance, how controlling to do I want to become? Wouldn't I feel better about myself if I can be just as busy as my BF? Can I be patient enough to learn his rhythms and patterns and discover whether those might work out well for me, too? Do I have enough going on in my own life for a healthy balance that prevents me from focusing like a laser beam on BF?

    Ultimately, it occurs to me that I own control over my own focus, and when I misuse it, I'm the one who will pay the price. I'll make myself miserable, and that will come out sideways and make me less attractive to BF or anyone else. I grasp that patience and empathy with others is a life skill, and I encourage myself to build it instead of stew in my own immaturity.

    There are any number of ways to talk yourself into better thinking, and you will thank yourself later.

    Head high.
    I like this a lot. Talking myself into being better about this doesn't mean he's taking advantage of me right? In this case it would just be regulating my emotions? I just really don't want to be taken advantage of again because that's what happened with the previous guy.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by egyptianmau
    Ick, last thing I want to be is smothering! I agree I have a hard time regulating my emotions.

    So my question now I guess is: is it ok to not care about this? Like, when he messages me or something, I answer because I feel like I would hurt his feelings if I don't. But since im not getting that same attention? Response? I think I'm getting upset the way I am. It's my first relationship so I'm just feeling things out. Like, if he doesn't answer me because it's not setting up a time or anything it's not rude for me to not answer if it's not something that's important? It's not rude?
    If he says "Hi" then say "Hi" back. Just don't get upset if he doesn't continue the 'conversation'; there's probably no need to. At the moment you're responding to him because you think his feelings might be hurt (they probably won't!) when it might not be convenient to do so. This is all arising because so much of your focus is on him, rather than the bits of your life which are separate to him. No harm in getting on with your life!

  7. #16
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    It really sounds like he's putting you on the backburner. I don't think your overreacting. Sometimes I place my phone down or just don't see the notification on my phone and my GF still chews me out and I'll just explain what I was doing, but anytime I see her text or calls I always respond back as soon as I can. If something or someone's important in your life then it matters to you. Do you ever confront him about not responding?

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    If he says "Hi" then say "Hi" back. Just don't get upset if he doesn't continue the 'conversation'; there's probably no need to. At the moment you're responding to him because you think his feelings might be hurt (they probably won't!) when it might not be convenient to do so. This is all arising because so much of your focus is on him, rather than the bits of your life which are separate to him. No harm in getting on with your life!
    Ok, thank you for the break down of this! A lot of the comments are saying I need to chill so I'm going to take that in stride and chill lol and I won't worry so much about possible hurting his feelings over mundane things like this!

  9. #18
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    I personally think he's taking advantage of you. He's pretty much saying I don't have time for you right now. Not even acknowledging you with a text or quick call. All im saying is, if someone of importance calls or text my phone and I can't answer, I at least text them.. Hey, I'm busy. Unless I'm asleep or almost asleep that's the only time I won't text or call right back.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by DGlenn87
    It really sounds like he's putting you on the backburner. I don't think your overreacting. Sometimes I place my phone down or just don't see the notification on my phone and my GF still chews me out and I'll just explain what I was doing, but anytime I see her text or calls I always respond back as soon as I can. If something or someone's important in your life then it matters to you. Do you ever confront him about not responding?
    I have before but he says that's just who he is. To be honest, Ive pulled back a lot and he hasn't changed a thing so I find that really unfair. If I'm changing to suit your needs I feel he should change something to suit my needs. Of course this is all to an extent, I'm not saying change who you are as a person to be with me but he thinks everything's fine just the way it is and I'm getting fed up because I'm the only one who's trying. He says he makes time to hang out with me every day and while I do appreciate that I find that that it's just too much tike together sometimes and I would rather just have a quick "hope you're having a good day, love you" kind of thing. I don't want to see him everyday because frankly it gets annoying because I also have school to focus on too

    Sorry for the paragraph hahaha

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    And that is why you're upset. Dating to to get to know someone, not fix and change them.
    Originally Posted by egyptianmau
    he says that's just who he is.
    I find that really unfair.
    I feel he should change something to suit my needs.a

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