In the military, and still in love with an Ex (25F)

Hello! First time poster here, and a little warning, its long.

I don’t even consider this person an ex-girlfriend because technically she wasn’t, but to me, it sure does feel like she is. Stick around for a good story.

We were introduced to each other by mutual friends. This woman had played online video games with these mutual friends, whereas I had been friends with these people in real life for years. This woman and I started out as a friends, but we quickly got really involved with each other. It was a problem from the beginning because she lived in a different country than me, completing her advanced degree. We Skyped and communicated daily, most of the time for hours on end. We got extremely close, and when I visited her in this foreign country, we discussed making things official. She told me that she liked me, but that she wasn't ready. She cited still getting over an ex she had dated as an undergrad that she had thought she was going to marry, another fling she had that she wanted to materialize into a relationship but didn't, and long distance being the reasons. I was heartbroken. She said that it didn't rule out the possibility of the future however...so we kept talking.

Context: I'm in the military. My values reflect a more conservative view to relationships. I value traditional values of loyalty, duty, honor, and respect. I was not opposed to a LDR because long separations are a reality in this line of work. I hold fears that a potential spouse will not be faithful, as I have heard and been surrounded by stories of this happening to fellow peers and coworkers. My faithfulness, as a personal quality that I take great pride in, is unwavering in resolve. In a world where flings are seen as growing in acceptance and common, I go against that grain. As a man, I do not sleep around. Promiscuity, for me, is an immature character flaw. I view both men and women who do in a different light.

A week upon my return to my home country, this woman who I adored more than my self, betrayed my trust. She was preparing to go out with a friend group, perfectly innocent. We talked throughout the night, off and on, as she hung out with her friends. I didn't think anything of it. She returned later that night, when we Skyped again, I could tell she was visibly upset and stoic. I asked her what was wrong. She said "you're not going to like it," and told me she had been out partying with her friends and had drinks, and one of the friends was this guy she had had a fling with and feelings for, and she tried to bring him home with her.

Needless to say, I was pretty broken up. I had not even looked at another girl this whole time.

The next day, I went to the mutual friends who set us up, because both of them are really good friends of mine. They were unsympathetic to her, and took my side. Determined that she was just playing games and that while I was fully committed, she was not. My female friend of this pair sent a nasty Facebook message to this woman, and blocked her, never to talk again. These mutual friends, with growing concern over my wellbeing as this situation had affected my daily living situation (it was all I thought about), stepped in. I was not happy about it. I felt it was extreme reaction, and they should've let me handle it on my own. I only went to them for guidance, because they too had been in a LDR. Those three friends had been online friends for years, and I felt that I ruined that with my feelings.

With problems rearing their ugly head, I tried to communicate with this woman. She would often block me, not communicate for days at a time, and not want to work out problems. I made every effort to communicate and try to come to common ground, but it would always end with issues being brushed under the rug.

We continued talking, and she had suitors over there. There was one she told me about who approached her, and she said "I'm talking to someone back home." Things got better. We spoke more often, soon back to every day. It was good. I tried unsuccessfully to get the mutual friends to talk to her again, but it did not work.

Around the holiday season, she invited friends over. She asked me if I was comfortable with a friend staying over in her flat, and being the gentleman that I am, I said sure, no problem, specially if friends were traveling great distances. Makes sense. What I did not know, was that this "friend" was the guy who had asked her out, and she had told him that she was talking to me. He stayed there for a week, and she completely ignored me during that time. She had gotten upset the day before the holiday with me, and cut contact. Now, I'm not an idiot, I know what was going on. About a week later, she contacted me.

Within that week of non-communication, I had looked at other avenues from pressures on multiple fronts. Friends pressured me to look elsewhere at other girls, and so I did, even though I was uncomfortable. I still had feelings for this person. A local girl who I had asked out a while ago and never followed up with (TBH I had forgotten about because of this girl in a foreign country) agreed to go to dinner with me. It was fun. It was a single night of fun and talking. After dinner, I hugged her goodbye, and went home. I felt like I was cheating on the other girl.

When this other girl (foreign country) and I picked up talking again after she had simmered down a few days later, I felt guilty about that single date with the other girl. I felt I had betrayed this girl who I had gotten to know so well and intimately, even though she ignored me for a week, and had probably gotten laid without a care in the world as to how I felt. So, I told her I had gone on this singular date, to come clean. It went about as well as you'd expect. She blew up at me, like I had slept with this person.

So we continued the tug-of-war of not talking even though I wanted to, and what made matters worse was that she was supposed to come visit me for the holidays. She missed her flight, and I held hope that she didn't miss it. But, she did. I ignored her efforts to contact me over the next few days. I was pissed, and hurt. I finally answered one day, and she said she wanted to still come. And she did. Bought tickets and showed up. We had a blast, and things were looking up.

We met each other's families and parents. It seemed like things were going to be right for once. Her mother and I had a heart to heart while this woman was showering, and I got emotional over how strongly I felt for this woman. Her mother told me that this girl did love me, but I wanted to hear it from her. I never got that.

One day, at local pub, we started talking, about everything. She told me about having the friend over for the holidays for that week, and that she had slept with him. She wasn’t sorry. She was mad at me, and it was her right to do while not in a relationship. Later on in several months, she would tell me that she did tell be at this point in time because she wanted to come clean, and to be in a relationship with me. Just me. Well, I didn’t take it good. I left the following day.

We talked again later on after that, after about a month of no contact, off and on. She stopped talking to me completely when I was hanging with my friends who hurt her, and they have no regrets. Now she’s dating the guy that was into her over there, who she told that she was seeing someone else (me). I can’t get over how bad this feels. I feel betrayed. Angered, disgusted, and most importantly, hurt, extremely hurt. That I invested so much and got no returns. That I only focused on her when she had others lining up over there. That I hurt this other girl who was innocent when I focused on this girl. I have been to mental health and therapy sessions for this entire scenario.

This female, who I got to know exceptionally well and personally, now seems like a stranger to me.

What makes it worse, is that from time to time, she still reaches out to me. Probably when she’s bored. And I talk back.

What's worse than that? I still have feelings for her, when she's with someone else. What's worse than that? She doesn't have feelings for me.

I'm confused. You said you were not in relationship. That is what you said in your first paragraph. Coukdnt she do what she wanted, and with whom she wants?

How many times have you met in person?

You should have been done with her after she told you that she did not want to take it further. Plus, she lives in another country.

For the love of god, I cannot understand why you have not blocked her!

Sorry for the emotional turmoil you're going through at the moment. I know it doesn't feel good. I will say though, that this relationship is very emotionally immature. You and her don't fit well together and you are not bringing out the best in each other, which is what healthy relationships do.

From the beginning, things have been handled on all sides very poorly. Your friends had no right to treat her the way they did with regards to your relationship with her, which you should have kept private. You only fanned the flame by disclosing (unnecessarily) your date. Your guilt was misplaced and only served to ignight things. And she also had the right to engage with whomever she wanted as you and here weren't a couple.

From start to finish, this has been negative after negative and you and her are not emotionally compatible, I'm sorry to say. Best you move on. You need to go no contact. Block and delete her and focus on people around you that you can connect organically with.

It's very hard to have an LDR. if you are on the move constantly in the military, it's also very difficult.