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Thread: He “didn’t cheat” and that is so much worse.

  1. #1

    He “didn’t cheat” and that is so much worse.

    I had no idea something could hurt like this.

    I have been married for 12 years, it’s not our first marriage so our kids are grown, money is not a big worry, and we really do like each other.
    I thought we were happy, there has been some stressful issues with my grown child that has made me a little more distant than usual over the last year, but nothing major.
    Neither of us are jealous, we made only one absolute for our marriage and that was if you start wanting someone else, then leave first because the marriage is over.

    There wasn’t any signs for me, I am not stupid, I have been in bad relationships, while I would never be naive enough to think he would never want someone else, I thought he would do what we promised and leave first.
    So fast forward.
    I noticed that a co-worker he is friends with was no longer on his Facebook feed, so I asked him what happened and I knew immediately when I saw his face.
    He was honest once I asked the question.
    He admitted to having feelings for her and here is the best part, he told her how he felt, but she had no desire to break up a marriage. So they have been distancing themselves from each other.
    When I said the obvious, that he would have cheated if she had been willing, he said no I would have never broken that promise to you.
    And then it hits me, he would have left me first. He says he doesn’t know what he would have done if she hadn’t stopped them talking about it. He says he was relieved.
    Nope. He knows and I know I was second choice. I am only still married by default. It would have been more humane to lie to me and say he may have had an affair with her, but he wasn’t going to leave me. Then I could have left him with a little bit of my self respect left.
    He didn’t do this out of malice, which is also so much worse.
    Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
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    At first my wife just told me she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I was devastated.

    I told myself, "Well, at least if she was cheating, our breakup would be so much easier on me. I could be angry and move on."

    Turns out, she was cheating and it did absolutely nothing in helping me feel better. I feel even worse now.

    Point is, being second choice and getting dumped hurts no matter what.

  3. #3
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    "He “didn’t cheat” and that is so much worse."
    - Is this a question or is your question somewhere else in there?

    If it is:
    Newlyweds/people say all types of things about how they will act in future situations.

    It's just talk.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Keep in mind he did not volunteer this until you asked. He's already cheating. He's telling her he's about to leave you soon and the marriage is "dead", "you're like roommates", etc.. You need an attorney asap. Sadly second marriages have 75% divorce rates. Precisely for the reasons you mentioned. Baggage from the first marriage/divorce, issues with step kids, ex spouses etc..And of course the "won't get burned again" mentality.
    Originally Posted by Newmoney2006
    I noticed that a co-worker he is friends with was no longer on his Facebook feed, so I asked him what happened. He admitted to having feelings for her and here is the best part, he told her how he felt, but she had no desire to break up a marriage.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry this is happening. Keep in mind he did not volunteer this until you asked. He's already cheating. He's telling her he's about to leave you soon and the marriage is "dead", "you're like roommates", etc.. You need an attorney asap. Sadly second marriages have 75% divorce rates. Precisely for the reasons you mentioned. Baggage from the first marriage/divorce, issues with step kids, ex spouses etc..And of course the "won't get burned again" mentality.
    I agree with Wiseman that this is already cheating. He was having an emotional affair with her, but she was decent enough to stop it. He's not being "honest", he's just providing this information because you caught him. Had you not, he'd still be silent about and god knows if he'd keep his distance from her or not or if he wouldn't "catch feelings" for other women and engage in other emotional affairs. He didn't proceed to a physical affair because she stopped him. Had she not and he'd have continued.

    As to him lying to you, as much as it seems less painful, living a lie is not much better either. Always choose reality. If he was having a physical affair with her as you wish, he'd be giving you less of his time and devotion, he'd be putting your health in risk without your knowledge and you'd probably find out anyway and be devastated anyway. And him "I'd keep my promise to you" as if he's being so honest and honourable and thinks he deserves a cookie is BS. I hope he doesn't expect the marriage to continue and everything fine and dandy like before just because he thinks he deserves a pat in the back for having been "honest" after being caught in an emotional affair or that he deserves praise for not having left you for that woman. Or that he doesn't expect you to think it's alright that you know the information that he had feelings for another woman and only didn't proceed because she didn't want to.

  7. #6
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    I dont know if thats accurate.. (married by default)
    Married for 12 years, and honestly, people "look". She caught his eye. She was respectful of your marriage and didnt do anything.
    I could consider going to counseling with him to work things out. If he didnt love you, he would have broken the promise.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    I don’t understand why you’re so upset. He recognized feelings were forming so he distanced himself. Isn’t that what you would want to happen?

    I agree wth the poster above. He did this out of love and respect to you. It’s salvageable. He recognized and fixed. Go to counseling and work through it, it sounds recoverable to me.


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