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Thread: Confused by Ex Girlfriend

  1. #1
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    Confused by Ex Girlfriend

    I'm gonna apologise straight up because this is gonna be lengthy. I'm just looking for a bit of advice on a breakup i'm dealing with at the moment. I was seeing a girl for a few months and it was great. Everything was so easy between us and there were only a couple of times where we had problems. I'm the first guy shes ever been with and I always gave her plenty of space because I knew the idea of being with someone was quite overwhelming for her. Anyway, a few months in she had to go away on a course she'd applied for. It was at the other end of the country and was going to be for three weeks. I also happened to be going away on holiday for the last week that she was away. We would both be coming home at the same time. However, the day before I was due to fly I had a day off work and had nothing to do so I decided to go down to London for the day. I'd never been before and wanted to see the sights, but as well as that, I missed her and didn't want to wait another week to see her. I didn't think she'd be able to meet up on such short notice but thought it'd be nice to surprise her on the off chance. I didn't really think it through. After i'd been walking around the city for a few hours I told her I was there. At first she seemed really happy, then was annoyed that i hadn't said anything. She seemed to come around a bit but then when we met up things just seemed really off. I got a late train home and didn't hear from her until just before I came home from holiday. Obviously i was worried and knew it wasn't a good sign, but I didn't want to smother her with text messages when it was clear she needed space. I think I did end up caving and sent one message asking what was going on, but she just replied that we'd speak about it when we were both home. When I did get home, we met up and she split up with me. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted to focus on being independent. She said that while she was away she hadn't been able to focus on her course because she missed me too much and wanted to end things before they got more serious because it would only get harder. She also said she felt that by coming to see her unannounced, I hadn't respected her space. I was gutted, but again didn't want to push her away even more. I did my best to be reasonable and not make a huge fuss. She asked if we could be friends, I calmly said I couldn't and then I went home.

    For the first month we had almost no contact what so ever. There was one day where we were in work at the same time. She didn't say anything to me but mentioned to a friend that she was upset because I had deleted her off social media. I did this because I didn't want to be tempted to message her because I knew it would only make the situation worse. When I heard she was upset about it I re added her. I thought that it meant she wanted to talk to me. We did end up messaging and arranged to meet up. A few days before, however, she messaged me saying she didn't think it was a good idea and if we did it would only be as friends. I agreed that we shouldn't meet up in that case and didn't speak to her for another month. I texted her a week before she was due to go away volunteering for 3 months. I told her to look after herself and said i was happy that we were together even though it hadn't worked out. While she was away things were pretty quiet between us. The only thing that did happen was she unfollowed me on instagram after I put a story up of me and my friend having dinner. I wanted to text her to tell her that I wasn't on a date (i presumed this was why she had unfollowed me) but felt silly jumping to the conclusion that that was why, so left it. I did text her before she came back when I heard she'd had an accident and hurt herself. She replied when she got home and we had a catch up. I was asking questions about her time away and she sent me a message saying I was messing with her head because I seemed to be acting in a more than friendly way. At that point I decided to come clean and tell her that I did still have feelings for her and wanted to start again. We spoke about it. She got upset about me cutting off all contact when we first split up and i explained that i only did it because it seemed like she really needed some space. She admitted that she thought about me alot and missed me too, but she still felt like she was better off being on her own. I told her I wasn't going to try and convince her otherwise and left it at that. About a week later I was on a night out and she was at the club. It was packed, but she came looking for me. When she found me I said hi and she started tearing up. I went to hug her and she pushed me away, then ran out the club. I followed her and we had a bit of a row outside. She kept jumping from one extreme to the other. One minute she was hugging me and saying she missed me and it felt good to be with me. The next she was saying she wanted to be free to see other people and never wanted to see me again. She had a go at me for coming to see her in London and for not talking to her about things when she broke up with me. She told me she'd never loved me and then started crying again. We hugged for a long time and then she pushed me off and ran home. About a week later she texted me apologising. I replied a few days later saying I didn't know what was going on anymore. I thought it was clear she didn't want to be with me but then when we saw eachother out it was like talking to two different people. I said I was confused about what she wanted. She replied saying she was confused too. I told her to message me back when she had figured it out. I didn't want to put pressure on her. A few days later she replied saying she was happy and in a good place. she said every time we spoke it confused her and threw her off so we should go our separate ways. After sending the message she blocked me. This was 2 months ago.

    Until a couple of weeks ago the only thing I noticed was that she was checking up on me on instagram even though she doesn't follow me. Every now and then she'd watch my story updates. Two weeks ago I was walking into town and she was on the other side of the road. Because of her last text I didn't think she'd talk to me so just kept my head down. I passed her and she shouted my name. She looked genuinely happy to see me. I didn't really know how to react so just waved at her and carried on walking. I didn't think much of it but when I was next in work a girl I work with mentioned that she had been in a couple of times when I hadn't been there, before we'd had our run in. A week ago another guy I work with told me his sister had been clubbing with her and she'd ended up going home because she was crying about me not speaking to her. A day later she blocked me on instagram. A mutual friend of her and my sisters also mentioned she had been talking about it. I texted her a couple of days ago explaining why I hadn't spoke to her. I told her I do want to see her but thought she didn't. She replied the same day saying thank you and that it had made her feel better about it. She said she did want to see me sometime and wanted to be friends. We had a short conversation about what we'd been up to. I tried to keep it going by having a joke and keeping it light but she stopped replying after a few messages.

    I suppose my question is what's going on with her? One minute it seems obvious she doesn't want me, the next everything she does seems to contradict that. She doesn't seem interested to talk to me beyond a short catch up, but then why does she react so emotionally to me ignoring her. It doesn't make any sense to me. I know I could have dealt with the breakup better. I wish I had made more effort to speak about things when it first happened but I genuinely wanted what was best for her. I didn't want to make things harder and didn't want the breakup to be messy. I always thought the best chance of getting back together was by giving her space to think and deal with the other things she had going on in her life. She really means a lot to me. Its been 7 months now and I do still have feelings for her. I have made efforts to move on. I've spoken to a few girls and met up with a couple, but nothing seems to stick because I'm still interested in my ex. I just don't know how to read her behaviour or what I should do to make things better. I don't want to just forget about her and move on but will if she really wants me to. I'd like to start things up again but don't want to keep flogging a dead horse.

    Whats your opinion? And thank you so much for listening

  2. #2
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    Well I don't think any of us can say what her problem is, herself included. She is all over the place and I cannot see what you have done that is so wrong.

    Regarding the London thing maybe it would have been wise to mention you would be there for the day but it's not like she didn't know you already had your own plans for traveling. Her response is a massive overreaction.

    It sounds like she does like you and possibly have feelings for you on some level but I'm how on earth could you have a relationship with someone who is this all.over the place from day to day. She sound very young and immature emotionally.

    How old are you both?

    Personally I would give up and move on. You have respected her wishes and she is not happy whatever you do.

    I'd be polite, wish her the best and cut all contact otherwise resign yourself to a life of being her yo-yo.

  3. #3
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    Thatís sound advice. I always regretted not telling her I was coming, but it was a spur of the moment thing. I suppose I do that sort of thing quite often. Even though it was mainly a Ďseeing a new placeí kind of deal I thought it was a nice gesture that sheíd love.

    Sheís almost 20 and Iím coming on 23.

    If Iím honest with myself, I want to be with someone who wouldnít even consider taking the risk of losing me. I just find it hard to see past my own feelings. It seems a waste when we had such a nice time together.

    But thank you v much

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    Yeah I really don't think the London thing was that bad. It's not as if you set out to catch her out or anything. Strange reason to dump someone.

    You are both young and there's so many more people out there for you to meet. This girl just sounds like a lot of hard work, effort and drama for little reward so to speak. She keeps keeping her distance so that's what i'd stick with for your own good mate.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    First loves/relationships are supposed to be fun and exciting . Quite the opposite from overwhelming.

    You meeting with her in the city should have been fun, even romantic; something to which she first reacted happy about then annoyed.

    She's not ready for a relationship and you knew this from the start. Yet you tried. You sound like a nice guy, young and with qualities that women actually look for.

    Things with her won't get better for you. My advice to you is to put that energy on yourself and you will eventually find someone who reciprocates your feelings.

    Start healing soon. Wish you luck

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    Thank you. Thatís very kind :)

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    It's not really helpful to try to diagnose her issues, because even if you could pinpoint her problem, you can't resolve it for her.

    She knows how to reach you if she ever wants to reconcile. I'd move my focus forward and trust that if the two of you were ever a meant to be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to reach that place on your own.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. It sounds like you're in the friendzone. Next time text an appropriate amount, not this sparely/indifferently. And do not just show up in someone's town, especially announcing that 'you walked around for hours' before contacting her. You were acting so casual and so indifferent that you put yourself in the friendzone.

    Try to pace yourself and be somewhat more attentive between dates. Playing it this cool gave her the impression you can't communicate and were too indifferent. Next time don't obsess with "smothering" anyone and instead use good judgement to plan regular dates, and text here and there in between dates. Ignoring someone does not "build attraction" contrary to what you've been reading. It ends you up in the friendzone, as you've unfortunately found out.
    Originally Posted by Monkeyfeet
    She doesn't seem interested to talk to me beyond a short catch up.

  10. #9
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    @Wiseman2

    Thank you for your reply, however, I think youíve misread the situation. I didnít go into detail about our actual relationship before now but we were constantly either with each other or communicating somehow over social media. There was never any indifference from either of us before we split up. We had a very good time together and were in each others company more than not. London also isnít her town. Weíre from the same town. She was there on a course, I was there for a day out. Not specifically to see her. I just thought Iíd see if she were free while I was in the city as I was going abroad and missed her.

    Also, I have heard of this Ďno contact ruleí but never thought much of it as I donít believe in manipulating people into being with you. The reason I didnít contact her after the breakup was that she broke up with me. I was upset about it so at first didnít want to talk to her. I wanted to try and move on on my own. But she had also asked me for space, so I give it her.

    I also doubt Iím in the friend zone. She has told me twice since breaking up that she canít be friends with me because being with me confuses her feelings. This is after she originally suggested staying friends. I do get this though because like I said, sheís never being with anyone before, so obviously wouldnít have known what to expect regarding her feelings after the breakup.

  11. #10
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    @catfeeder

    Yeah I agree. I donít think thereís anything I can do, and I certainly nothing I should do anyway because she needs to deal with stuff on her own. Itís not my business anymore.

    Thank you so much for your reply!

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