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I'm (F21) annoyed at my boyfriend (26), pls let me know if I'm just being petty


egyptianmau

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Hello, first time poster here! Just looking for some advice to my personal dilemma. Warning, it's long!

 

It was my boyfriend's birthday yesterday and he turned 26. The day before, him, his mom, and I talked about going out to dinner altogether for his birthday. I told him I might not be able to just because I had a summary assignment due. I worked on it during the day so I could go.

 

My classes ended at 4pm yesterday, so I called him to see if I should just head over to his house from school. He said he was out with a friend grabbing some food. I said ok, I'll go home and asked him to let me know when he's back home so I can meet them. He said ok and we hung up.

 

I get a call an hour or so later and he says that he's wrapping up with his friend and his mom wanted to go for dinner at 6pm. So, I told him I'd be by his house by 6pm. Then he says that I should be at his house by 5:30pm as he thinks his mom wants to be at the restaurant by 6pm. I told him that that was an awkward time because it would be just before 5:30pm when I get to my house so I would have to drive to my house, not even have time to walk into my house, then drive to his house to make it to his house for 5:30pm. He says again that he's wrapping up with his friend and that he will leave in the next 5 min or so so he should make it back to his house before I do. I double check with him to make sure he's not just saying that and cutting things short with his friend. He says he's not. So I tell him that I will just go straight to his house and he confirms that he will be leaving in the next few minutes.

 

I get to his house (which took about 25 ish minutes) and I call him to let him know I'm out front. He hangs up on me so I just send him a text telling him I'm out front. Then he texts me back:

 

"OK, I'll leave now then"

 

[me]: "you haven't left yet?"

 

[him]: no -friend- and I got to talking and I lost track of time I'm sorry"

 

I didn't respond.

 

He calls me when he's close to his house and says, "I couldn't remember if I said I would leave right away when I called you or if I said I was gonna leave when you got to my house"

 

Which to me, sounds like an excuse.

 

I was annoyed. He knew I was annoyed. I tried really, really hard not to show it because it was his birthday and I wanted it to be a good day but I was really annoyed.

 

THEN after dinner we're going to get some milk and he says that the country my parents are from doesn't know what they're doing and they're (the country as a whole) is messing up. I basically said, "why would you say that, that's so rude" then he said "I didn't mean any of that" and brushed it off. But that made me mad. Again, I tried really hard to keep things light because it was his birthday.

 

We get back to his house and we're watching Jeopardy, I ask if there are any normal episodes (no teen, teacher, kids jeopardy) and he goes "you're not getting the answers to these, why do you want to watch normal jeopardy?" I knew it was said as a joke, but it was rude. He switched it to normal Jeopardy but I wasn't in a good mood and he could tell even though I was trying really hard at this point to keep things light.

 

I feel like the whole day yesterday was me trying to brush things off when he said rude things, when he literally made me wait because he told me he was done with his friend when he actually wasn't and then me trying to keep things light again when he said something that was rude.

 

Today, we went to the gym together. He seemed annoyed but he's the one who invited me to go with him. Now, I'm annoyed. Tell me, please, if I'm doing something wrong here.

 

Any sort of insight would be much appreciated. Thank you!

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Can we have some context? How long have you guys been together? Is this the way you two normally interact and communicate?

 

Was your BF and his friend talking about something really important that he lost track of time, or is this something that happens often?

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I really want to, I want to try to be the best I can cause he's helped me with a lot of stuff but sometimes it feels like he still treats me like the person I was when we first met. Any advice on how I can just let this go? I don't want to be the nasty one who made him feel bad on his bday

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We have been together just under a year (it will be our 1 year in 11 days). I had a bit of mental health issues going on when we met (depression mainly) and he helped me through a lot of that. I'm mostly mentally stable now.

 

He's a little weird when it comes to communication: he's had past girlfriends who apparently got mad at him when he didn't say/text them exactly what they wanted to hear so he gets super defensive when I say things like "Can you use the word 'love' when you're responding to my I love you text". In the end, I didn't really care enough about it to keep asking and putting a strain on the relationship and I haven't brought it up since. But basically, I made a request and he got mad at me because it made him feel constrained like when his ex asked him to text him specific things. I on the other hand, don't see it like that. It was just a request because it would be something I would like.

 

Apparently the conversation he was having with his friend was about whether or not another friend in their group would or wouldn't get into med school. I don't know how important this was, because it could have been really important, but the way he talked about it made it sound like it wasn't that important.

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I really want to, I want to try to be the best I can cause he's helped me with a lot of stuff but sometimes it feels like he still treats me like the person I was when we first met. Any advice on how I can just let this go? I don't want to be the nasty one who made him feel bad on his bday

 

But your reactions were in line with what he was doing and with what he said to you.

You aren't making him feel bad on his birthday. He was being disrespectful to you and that doesn't feel good.

 

If this was just one off and day and it being his birthday, you can choose to shake it off and reset. But I am going to guess it's a little more of a daily theme between you two.

 

He seems like he can't be bothered with you and you shouldn't feel good about it.

 

I hear you asked for help on how to stuff the disappointment you have from how he treats you.

I think you address how he treats you instead.

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I’m not sensing anything over the top rude from him either. He got carried away talking to his buddy on his birthday. I don’t think that’s a big deal. Couldn’t you have met him and his mom at the restaurant at 6 to avoid putting on extra pressure?

The jeopardy comment I find pretty harmless to be honest. I would’ve probably laughed, but maybe the mood of the entire day made you a bit more tense. Do you find him generally disrespectful or was it just on that day?

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I’m not sensing anything over the top rude from him either. He got carried away talking to his buddy on his birthday. I don’t think that’s a big deal. Couldn’t you have met him and his mom at the restaurant at 6 to avoid putting on extra pressure?

The jeopardy comment I find pretty harmless to be honest. I would’ve probably laughed, but maybe the mood of the entire day made you a bit more tense. Do you find him generally disrespectful or was it just on that day?

I could have met them at the restaurant yes, but he didn't even know where he wanted to go. I had no problem meeting him wherever he wanted but he specifically told me he was done hanging out with friend so he would be heading over to his house and should be there before I got there.

 

I feel like I'm trying hard to make his life easier and he doesn't do the same for me

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I could have met them at the restaurant yes, but he didn't even know where he wanted to go. I had no problem meeting him wherever he wanted but he specifically told me he was done hanging out with friend so he would be heading over to his house and should be there before I got there.

 

I feel like I'm trying hard to make his life easier and he doesn't do the same for me

 

He lost track of time talking to his friend and was a little longer than planned, so what? It's no big deal. Everyone has lost track of time at some point, even you i bet. I think you need to chill and get off his case.

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It would be best to get a check up and a referral to a therapist for this. You can't force someone to say ily. etc and he's not a psychiatrist. He's not responsible for your mental emotional health/well being...you are.

I had a bit of mental health issues going on when we met (depression mainly) and he helped me through a lot of that. I'm mostly mentally stable now.
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The old saying 'familiarity breeds contempt' is a cliche' for a reason. Might you be a bit overexposed to one another? That tends to bring a bit of boredom, and what do bored people do? They pick nits. They get annoyed over small things.

 

Do you see one another to the exclusion of friends, family, other interests? Do you have a well balanced life outside of one another? If so, engage in it a bit more and reduce your exposure to one another a bit. If not, build your life outside of the relationship. Too much togetherness can get suffocating, and yes, it's annoying.

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So my guess is that this extends beyond the events on his birthday.

 

How is communication between you two in general? How often do you see each other?

We see each other a lot, like basically every day. I've brought up that we should have a set day where we hang out and just milk it and any other day we meet up is a bonus but when I try to set it up it's like he doesn't want to and won't give me a definitive answer to what day would work best. I wanted to do this because I'm starting to expect to hear from him at the end of the day and get upset when I don't, which is so stupid. But again, he won't give me a straight answer to what day would work best for him

 

Communication is ok, he would rather brush things under the rug and be sort of passive aggressive rather then talk with me about it

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It would be best to get a check up and a referral to a therapist for this. You can't force someone to say ily. etc and he's not a psychiatrist. He's not responsible for your mental emotional health/well being...you are.
Yea, I understand that which is why I didn't push the case. It honestly was just a request but because of his ex gf's he just got really offended. I haven't brought it up since :/

 

Therapy wise, I've been really on the fence about it because I know I'm going to hate it but I know it's going to help me a lot

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The old saying 'familiarity breeds contempt' is a cliche' for a reason. Might you be a bit overexposed to one another? That tends to bring a bit of boredom, and what do bored people do? They pick nits. They get annoyed over small things.

 

Do you see one another to the exclusion of friends, family, other interests? Do you have a well balanced life outside of one another? If so, engage in it a bit more and reduce your exposure to one another a bit. If not, build your life outside of the relationship. Too much togetherness can get suffocating, and yes, it's annoying.

Yes! I think this is it. I've tried setting up a day a week where we know we'll hang out and any other day is just a bonus. He won't give me a definitive answer to what day works and seems to get sort of unhappy about the idea whenever I bring it up. I do think we need to hang out less because at this point I'm starting to expect to hear from him at the end of the day and get upset when I don't (which I realize is stupid)
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Yes! I think this is it. I've tried setting up a day a week where we know we'll hang out and any other day is just a bonus. He won't give me a definitive answer to what day works and seems to get sort of unhappy about the idea whenever I bring it up. I do think we need to hang out less because at this point I'm starting to expect to hear from him at the end of the day and get upset when I don't (which I realize is stupid)

 

He is clearly not the type to have someone plan out his life for him. It's not what he wants. He doesn't like it because it probably feels controlling. The more you push it the more he pulls away. Try asking him what he wants rather than focusing on you and what you want. Get some help with your issues.

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It was his birthday, cut the guy some slack.

 

 

- What? Relationships and the heart don't know anything about birthdays. They only know about Respect. The heart does not hear that excuse.

 

 

Ok, some of it is kind of minor, but some is not. Generally, he's disrespecting you and taking you for granted. How long have you two been a couple?

 

You can try tough love - cut off sex. When he asks, "What's wrong?" - then he will be ready to really listen to your needs and change.

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- What? Relationships and the heart don't know anything about birthdays. They only know about Respect. The heart does not hear that excuse.

 

 

Ok, some of it is kind of minor, but some is not. Generally, he's disrespecting you and taking you for granted. How long have you two been a couple?

 

You can try tough love - cut off sex. When he asks, "What's wrong?" - then he will be ready to really listen to your needs and change.

I agree, he is disrespectful a lot more recently but I don't want to use sex as a weapon. The more I'm in this relatjo ship the more I feel like he's taking me for granted though
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I agree, he is disrespectful a lot more recently but I don't want to use sex as a weapon. The more I'm in this relatjo ship the more I feel like he's taking me for granted though

 

It's not a weapon, it's tough love. What I suggested comes from people who are naturally great at relationships, the best. Think about it.......if you are turned off enough by your partner, can you imagine that you might not be too interested in sex at that juncture?

 

As an alternative, you could threaten to leave. Counseling is another option, if you can get him to go - and if you can find a counselor who actually sees the problem.

 

I'm sure you have talked about it. After that, it's counseling or tough love, these are your last options if you want to save the relationship.

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It's not a weapon, it's tough love. What I suggested comes from people who are naturally great at relationships, the best. Think about it.......if you are turned off enough by your partner, can you imagine that you might not be too interested in sex at that juncture?

 

As an alternative, you could threaten to leave. Counseling is another option, if you can get him to go - and if you can find a counselor who actually sees the problem.

 

I'm sure you have talked about it. After that, it's counseling or tough love, these are your last options if you want to save the relationship.

Yea, I haven't really been sexually attracted to him the last couple of days. I think I will try a bit of tough love next time and stop letting him get away with things that actually upset me
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First, it sounds petty to seethe over this one day when your communication was off, and you felt that the dynamic between you two was one-sided and off balance because it was his birthday and you felt you needed to defer to letting him win every time. His individual comments alone, they didn't sound that rude, even the Jeopardy thing could have intended to have been lightly teasing you. Or the comment about your family's country - maybe he meant it as an intellectual, objective debate topic, not to be taken personally.

 

But it's not petty if this happens all the time, and you can't ever seem to communicate well or coordinate plans very well.

 

Can you accept that he might not be great about being organized or on time, and that he may not change that, and you may have to just accept and adapt to that part of his personality? That might mean that you will need to be more organized and to be the designated planner and clock-watcher in this relationship. When scheduling and planning something important, you may have to set your own timetable and TELL him when and where you'll be. Be clear and precise. Repeat things, ask him to repeat things back to you. instead of trying to ask and agree on a plan, YOU decide for the both of you. You may have to check in with him more often, send him reminders, when you expect him to be there, knowing that he's not paying attention to the time. Yeah, that's a pain but that's who he is. And if he is late or not where he said he would be, it's reasonable to be annoyed with him and to explain how his lack of planning messes up your day or your plans, and ask him to try to be better about that when it's going to affect you. And don't be a dictator about it, you may get to know him enough that when he's with his friends, you will have to add on an extra hour to whatever the schedule is. You know how if someone is always late, you might want to tell them the thing starts an hour before it actually does, so that you'll be on time. Give him that cushion since he won't stick to a planned schedule. (All that being said, this was hi birthday so I think you should give him some leniency for talking to a friend). When it's HIS thing, like his birthday, then you can assume there won't be a strict schedule and things will be loose. Then you won't need to stress so much.

 

When he says rude things, you can either call him out on it and discuss it, which might turn into a fight if you're both not careful. Or you can develop a tougher skin if you believe that he's a good person who loves and respects you but who sometimes says bone-headed things in the wrong moment. You might be like me. I'm very sensitive when it comes to a person's words. I can read way too much into something someone said and I can be too easily hurt by someone's tone. I know that about myself, but so does my husband. He knows I'm really sensitive and he will apologize for his angry words and make sure we're OK. For my part, I try and I hope I do succeed in not letting things get to me. But yeah, it is hard to know if you're just being too sensitive or not. Try to look past his words and view his actions as well. Do you think that he really thinks you are too stupid for Jeopardy? Do you think that he doesn't respect other cultures? Has he demonstrated those beliefs before, or did he just blurt out the wrong comments and jokes when you were already in a bad mood?

 

When you are really sensitive and touchy, like me, it's important to recognize when other things are affecting us while we are dealing with one person. If I had a bad day and I come home and make dinner and my husband says "You're putting lemon on that?" I can take that as him trying to tear me down when he wasn't at all. Even if my whole bad day was his fault, I should probably say "I'm in a bad mood right now, so please just don't say anything about dinner"

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First, it sounds petty to seethe over this one day when your communication was off, and you felt that the dynamic between you two was one-sided and off balance because it was his birthday and you felt you needed to defer to letting him win every time. His individual comments alone, they didn't sound that rude, even the Jeopardy thing could have intended to have been lightly teasing you. Or the comment about your family's country - maybe he meant it as an intellectual, objective debate topic, not to be taken personally.

 

But it's not petty if this happens all the time, and you can't ever seem to communicate well or coordinate plans very well.

 

Can you accept that he might not be great about being organized or on time, and that he may not change that, and you may have to just accept and adapt to that part of his personality? That might mean that you will need to be more organized and to be the designated planner and clock-watcher in this relationship. When scheduling and planning something important, you may have to set your own timetable and TELL him when and where you'll be. Be clear and precise. Repeat things, ask him to repeat things back to you. instead of trying to ask and agree on a plan, YOU decide for the both of you. You may have to check in with him more often, send him reminders, when you expect him to be there, knowing that he's not paying attention to the time. Yeah, that's a pain but that's who he is. And if he is late or not where he said he would be, it's reasonable to be annoyed with him and to explain how his lack of planning messes up your day or your plans, and ask him to try to be better about that when it's going to affect you. And don't be a dictator about it, you may get to know him enough that when he's with his friends, you will have to add on an extra hour to whatever the schedule is. You know how if someone is always late, you might want to tell them the thing starts an hour before it actually does, so that you'll be on time. Give him that cushion since he won't stick to a planned schedule. (All that being said, this was hi birthday so I think you should give him some leniency for talking to a friend). When it's HIS thing, like his birthday, then you can assume there won't be a strict schedule and things will be loose. Then you won't need to stress so much.

 

When he says rude things, you can either call him out on it and discuss it, which might turn into a fight if you're both not careful. Or you can develop a tougher skin if you believe that he's a good person who loves and respects you but who sometimes says bone-headed things in the wrong moment. You might be like me. I'm very sensitive when it comes to a person's words. I can read way too much into something someone said and I can be too easily hurt by someone's tone. I know that about myself, but so does my husband. He knows I'm really sensitive and he will apologize for his angry words and make sure we're OK. For my part, I try and I hope I do succeed in not letting things get to me. But yeah, it is hard to know if you're just being too sensitive or not. Try to look past his words and view his actions as well. Do you think that he really thinks you are too stupid for Jeopardy? Do you think that he doesn't respect other cultures? Has he demonstrated those beliefs before, or did he just blurt out the wrong comments and jokes when you were already in a bad mood?

 

When you are really sensitive and touchy, like me, it's important to recognize when other things are affecting us while we are dealing with one person. If I had a bad day and I come home and make dinner and my husband says "You're putting lemon on that?" I can take that as him trying to tear me down when he wasn't at all. Even if my whole bad day was his fault, I should probably say "I'm in a bad mood right now, so please just don't say anything about dinner"

That's a really good way to looks at things. I think I've been a bit of a push over in this relationship because of low self esteem and stuff. I'll try to be better at communication and let him know where I'm at with feelings (like if I had a bad day and am extra sensitive to things). I'm willing to put in the extra effort of scheduling and what not but ONLY if he's willing to accept the fact he sucks with time and scheduling. At this point in time he thinks he's got life figured out and if something is a pain for him he would rather not do it. Or if some part of his life is difficult then it's not him, its the other person making it difficult.

 

I just don't want to baby him to the point he doesn't even try anymore because he said that that happened with his last relationship and he just let her do things for him. I want an equal divide in work and effort, not me doing everything. I'm willing to pick up the work where he's lacking (like times, scheduling) but im not willing to do things like make dinner every day after a full day of work and school because he doesn't know how to cook. We don't live together but I feel like if we did, this would happen

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That's a really good way to looks at things. I think I've been a bit of a push over in this relationship because of low self esteem and stuff. I'll try to be better at communication and let him know where I'm at with feelings (like if I had a bad day and am extra sensitive to things). I'm willing to put in the extra effort of scheduling and what not but ONLY if he's willing to accept the fact he sucks with time and scheduling. At this point in time he thinks he's got life figured out and if something is a pain for him he would rather not do it. Or if some part of his life is difficult then it's not him, its the other person making it difficult.

 

I just don't want to baby him to the point he doesn't even try anymore because he said that that happened with his last relationship and he just let her do things for him. I want an equal divide in work and effort, not me doing everything. I'm willing to pick up the work where he's lacking (like times, scheduling) but im not willing to do things like make dinner every day after a full day of work and school because he doesn't know how to cook. We don't live together but I feel like if we did, this would happen

 

Your concerns are totally valid and reasonable. Days like the one you described are opportunities to learn about each other, about how you operate and communicate and share expectations. It is so hard to be objective about myself when I'm around someone with different values. Example, my brothers are so laid-back about time and tidiness and everything. When I'm with them I feel like I am so annoyingly high-maintenance and I'm a control freak! But then my sister-in-law comes in and she's much more concerned than I am about it all, suddenly I'm like my brothers in her eyes and to her I want to say "hey, chill out!"

 

So you're unlikely to meet someone who is exactly on the same level as you with everything. But it is reasonable and vital to think about what you expect from the other person in terms of their behavior. He has weaknesses, he's not perfect. Think about what you're not strong at, where you need someone and what type of forgiveness you need from him.

 

I've been married to my husband for over a decade and we're not perfect by any means. We're still figuring each other out. But we definitely share mutual love and respect, and forgiveness, and the desire to know each other and ourselves better. We had lots and LOTS of rough times in the beginning just like you described where we were not seeing eye-to-eye, or managing conflicting expectations from one another. Maybe you two can work it out, maybe you're not compatible. It does take time to understand each other and people can grow and change.

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This is the second thread you've created in your unhappiness with your boyfriend. I responded twice to another thread about lack of communication between him and you when meeting up.

 

Regarding the particular incident in your first post, yes, his comments are unnecessary but so is your involvement with a careless individual who makes rude comments. You get to choose what type of people you want to hang out with. Ultimately the responsibility to make yourself happy is on you. I hope you realize this.

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